The Therapy Edit - On the most life changing thing I've ever admitted

Episode Date: January 17, 2022

Being told 'you've got this' is sometimes exactly what I need. Yet some of the most life-changing moments have happened when I've proclaimed that I haven't 'got this' at all.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, Psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. So today I want to reflect on how we're so often praised for being independent. And we recognise it in our children. It's a trait that is often. kind of praised culturally as well I guess you know you sort yourself out be strong be resourceful and I think often there can also and I know that I can say this for myself be a fear around burdening people wanting not to add any more stress or pressure or ask anything of anyone else now I think the reason I want to reflect on this is

because there is another side to the story, isn't it? And it just really hit me. The other day, I was walking in our local town with my two-and-a-half-year-old toddler. And we were walking through a car park. And she, as she does so often these days, completely refused to go in the buggy. So we left the buggy in the car. And I said, hold my hand because we're walking through the car park. And she said, no, I'm going to.

to hold my own hand and she proceeded to kind of walk along in front of me just quite literally holding on to her own hand and it made me laugh because she is so independent but it also it also made me think about all the times I have resolutely in those moments where someone was offering something be it support a listening ear help physically emotionally mentally I have said oh it's okay I'm fine don't worry about it I can sort it on myself I don't want to burden you I'm taking this one I've got this and I've refused that kind of metaphorical hand holding Maybe because I thought I should be able to help comfort, support or advise myself using what I know and what I have available to me. But I think often because I didn't want to burden anyone or have anyone using their already kind of stretched resources on me.

And maybe sometimes it's because I can. I can help myself in this situation. I can hold my own hand but in this situation with my toddler it kind of utterly defies the point, isn't it? I'm wanting to protect her and keep her safe and she can't do that for herself

we can't always sort ourselves out we can't always meet our own needs and even if we can sometimes it has a cost attached to it sometimes even letting someone else support us they might not do what we need as well as quickly or as meticulously as we might be able to do for ourselves but actually sometimes it's it's actually that the benefit of letting someone else be the person doing it because perhaps you just haven't

got it in the bank perhaps you just don't have the resources perhaps you are already stretched and depleted. Now the thing is, is that we need each other. We need each other. Us moms, we need each other. Whilst we might be able to hold our own hands and help ourselves, if we are trying to do that all at the time in every situation, it is to go against our own human nature and need. We are wired for community we are wired to lean on each other sometimes we are resourceful we are efficient we are clever we are strong but we also need each other and that isn't a failure and I think for me so much of this in the past has also been tied up with a feeling of failure if I can't do it myself if I can't do it all then that equals failure it's a challenge of identity when actually

needing other people sometimes isn't a challenge of identity. It is part of our humanity. Someone in my life used to say to me when I did something, good. You know, what do you want a medal? What do you want? What do you need? What kind of recognition do you want? You can give that to yourself. And I think it got me in that mindset of I need to prove something. I need to work harder. I need to do more when actually we are never going to get a medal for our self-sufficiency. We are never going to be, we might get those little compliments, those little praises. You know those, you know when people say, I don't know how you do it. What is that?

It's often a, it's often a, you know, an acknowledgement that, wow, you're doing it all. When actually what is often not seen is the cost behind the closed doors, the cost of you, holding your own hand in that situation, the cost of you turning down that support or that offer of help or that offer even of just a chance to vent. And it might be that actually you've just swallowed down those feelings or you've just pushed on through being exhausted and now you're that little bit more burnt out, that little bit more snappy, that little bit more overwhelmed or that little bit more kind of resentful. What is the cost of doing it all? What is the cost sometimes? of holding your own hand. Is it loneliness? Is it that feeling of being misunderstood? And I know

I felt that when people have said to me, how do you do it? Is that feeling that comes then of being misunderstood of actually no one else is seeing the cost in my independence, in my doing it all? Now, going back to that little example of Florence, my toddler not wanting me to hold to her own hand. Now going back to that example of Florence, not wanting me to hold her hand the other day, I was offering safety. I was offering support and guidance. And that is what she was turning it down. In that moment, she couldn't offer herself that safety that I could with the knowledge and just even the height that I have above her. I can see further. I can see the bigger picture of what's going on in that car park. You know, I know more than she does in that situation. I'm

I am resourced to keep her safer than she can keep herself. But I know that huge change can come from letting others hold your hand. And I'm talking metaphorically, practically, might be physically, it might be verbally, in whatever way. Those moments where we put our hand out and we say, okay, you might not do it as well, you might not know everything. you might not have all the right words but actually it's costing me so much to keep holding my own hand and those have been the turning points of my life those have been the changing life-changing moments where I've raised that white flag of surrender and I've said you know what I don't have it all I haven't got this I haven't got it in the bag and I've chosen to let others hold my hand

now as things get busy and life gets busier and the diaries get fuller how can you seek and accept support from those around you rather than feeling a need to meet all of your own needs alone because we're not going to get a medal for it we're not going to get a medal for that independence we might get the odd compliment along the way by someone who doesn't truly know the cost of meeting your own needs all the time now as I always say it's not all the time but more of the time how can you accept some of that support when are those moments in which you're walking along and you're saying it's okay I'll hold my own hand I will hold my own hand I've got this I'll sort this

I've got it in the bag when perhaps someone does know better perhaps someone is offering because they have something to give or they have more resources or more patience or more energy or more strength than you in that moment. Perhaps it will give them something in accepting it. Relationships are two-way streets aren't they and we can often feel so much more comfortable on the hand-holding side of it than the one that is being held. But it's a two-way street. It's give and take. This is how relationships are deepened and formed and trust is deepened and formed. So,

So there we go, a little moment that came from that time in the car park and a reflection on all of the times. I have tried to hold my own hand metaphorically and the turning points that have come when I've let others support me through moments, through times, through storms. Then maybe it will make you think next time. Someone reaches out and they want to hold your hand. Maybe it might encourage you that perhaps this is the time to say okay.

Okay. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental, and emotional wellbeing. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.