The Therapy Edit - On the real reason you don't feel good enough

Episode Date: August 16, 2024

In this, the sixth of a special ten part series of The Therapy Edit, Anna talks through the second of The Uncomfortable Truths; I Am Not Good Enough.The Uncomfortable Truth: Change Your Life By Taming 10 of Your Mind's Greatest Fears is Anna's 5th book was published on the 8th August.Order your copy hereHere's a teaser from Anna about what to expect in this long-awaited, transformative book.‘Some people don’t like me”“Bad things will happen to people I love”“I’m going to fail”… these words underpinned my anxieties and nightmares. I bet they feature in yours too.Our fears are anchored in the unavoidable truths of life; all things reach an end, bad things happen, and we lack the control we crave.As an experienced psychotherapist, who’s had years of therapy, I realised that ploughing endless energy into trying to control the uncontrollable is keeping us all tired, wired, and worried. Ignoring fears doesn’t make them less true, it makes them more powerful. I decided to try a different tact and it changed my world.Instead of doing everything I could to ease and avoid life’s uncomfortable truths, I sought a deeper acceptance of them. Through using this approach, my clients and I discovered that fear began to loosen its grip. We were living more intentionally and peacefully.So, face your fears one a chapter at a time, and discover who you are without worry, doubt and people-pleasing holding you back.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, I hope you're well. I am recording this in the depths of the summer holidays. And I have got literally 10 minutes until the kids barrel in and it's not so quiet. So it's all going on back here. but today I'm so excited to share another uncomfortable truth. This is Uncomfortable Truth, number six of ten,

and you'll have to listen back for the other ones. But this one is something that people utter all the time. I'm not good enough. I don't feel like I'm good enough. How many times have you thought or felt that, well, this uncomfortable truth is, I am not good enough. And I'm going to share a little excerpt, and then I'm going to share some tips on how to get more comfortable

with this uncomfortable truth. So it goes a bit like this. You are not good enough. Well, that really contrast with the positive mantras printed on the T-shirt and the cursive affirmations that skip across your social media feed, doesn't it? It's a bit of an anti-affirmation.

Normally we're kind of used to that echo of people saying and things saying, you are good enough. No, you're doing great. But actually, the uncomfortable truth that I want to talk about is that actually you're not. You're not good enough. You're not good enough. Now, whether you have positive affirmations on

every single mirror in your house or not, you may find that no matter how many times you repeat them to yourself, they just don't seem to shift that constant feeling that you're not good enough. Not good enough for who? Not good enough for what? You want to get away from this feeling. You want to believe that you're enough, just like the words and friends proclaim. Now, I'm here to tell you that one of the main reasons you don't feel good enough is because you're not. You're not good enough. You with your limited resources of time, energy and patience and your human body that gets sick and tired, you who responds to the world with emotions and sometimes makes decisions based on narratives and beliefs that are so deeply set in your brain that you don't

even realise that you're dancing to their beats. You with the toxic traits, no matter how many self-help books you inhale. You with a vulnerable, breakable heart. You're never going to be enough for what the world and some of the people around you want you to be. You are never going to be enough for some of the standards set by yourself and others. When you begin to accept the uncomfortable truth that you are not enough, you can start to find more respect for your boundaries and the limits of your resources rather than asking yourself to plan. the rhythm. I'll say that there are just so many benefits to just waving my hands up and be like, you know what? I'm not good enough for all that. I'm not good enough for that standard. I'm never

going to attain to that perfectionist standard. I'm never going to be living the life that I see on social media because it is a Frankenstein mishmash of tiny pieces and shards of goodness and we don't see the rest. And it's so liberating. I really find it. And the whole heart behind the chapter and the book itself, actually, as I'm sure you'll know, if you've had your hands on it, is, yeah, just exhaling. Like, we brace ourselves. You know, what can I do to be good enough? I'm going to try harder, push harder, be faster, be better. And actually, sometimes, you know what, I'm not, I'm never going to live up to all of that. It's so, so liberating. And yeah, that's my deep hope in the book. So two reasons as to why we find it hard to accept this

uncomfortable truth. Number one is that we're sold more. There is always more. More you can be. There are always ways to become faster and more efficient. You can find endless life hacks and tips and tricks that help squeeze everything out of your resources. Your marketing literally exists to say you're lacking somehow. This is the answer. If you truly came to terms of the fact that you'll never be enough by the world's standards, then imagine how much money you'd save, energy, time, headspace, so much. And the second reason that I think we find it hard to accept that uncomfortable truth that we are not enough is around that critical internal chatter in our heads. Now, if you have a cruel or a bullying inner critic, I really did and I don't now at all,

which is an absolute testament. It has taken years and a lot of time and energy, but very well placed to turn that inner bully into a more neutral, sometimes mothering voice, but it can be done. I absolutely promise you, you know, a book, which one, know your worth is a good one for that. And if you're a parent, then raising a happy mother is a good one for that, if that really resonates with you. But if you have this cruel bullying in a critic, then you're likely to struggle with believing that you are likable, lovable and acceptable in your, you know, authentic form. You know, if you treat an animal unkindly for long enough, they will fail to feel safe with anyone. And in the same way, if your internal chatter is largely impatient or critical, then it can

feel tough to receive kind words and actions from others. So yeah, no wonder, no wonder we struggle with this. No wonder we're all just trying to work on. Why? Why do all the things say I'm good enough, just doesn't land deeply. And I think those are two of the reasons why and I talk, I list more. And those are like tiny little like sentences from bigger chapters that are there for you. So here are some tips. So how can you? Especially if you're a perfectionist or you're someone that is just constantly striving and trying and reaching and berating and self-criticizing. What can you do? Number one, know the limits of your resources, know the limits of your resources, because that's often when we're struggling with

this. Actually, we, we criticize the limits of our resources. You know, we're frazzled and we, we criticize ourselves for not working hard enough or trying hard enough or being patient enough. And actually, it's because we're done in, we're plowed through. So next time someone ask something of you, whether it's in a work or social context, don't say that knee jerk, yes. Adopt a pause. Let them know that your check of diary, even if you actually don't, but it gives you an opportunity to consider what resources you have, time, energy, money, before you say yes. Are you going to be putting yourself in the overdraft? Are you going to be edging towards burnout by giving something that you don't have or something that you are at the end of? You know,

when you say yes wholeheartedly, authentically, it's actually a gift to that other person. But when you say yes and you're secretly shouldering this hidden cost, it's, you might get the job done, but actually there will be resentment entangled in that and it can damage your relationship in time if this is the dynamic. You know, when you neglect to assert those healthy boundaries, you can end up feeling used and taken for granted. There'll be people that are really resonating with this. I know so well. I've been there. I've been there. And now I find my authentic yeses and knows so much more often, not all the time, but more of the time. And it really is life-changing, which is why I'm so passionate about getting this book out, getting this book out to as many

people as possible. Now, there are so many creative ways to say no, but being authentic in your response, you really nurtures and actually honours those relationships and yourself. So it can enrich relationships and friendships and it really is a gift. But it's a, you know, it's just starting to recognise, starting to pause, starting to ask yourself. Do I have this to give? Will I be giving out of, you know, because it's the right thing to do or because I feel I need to? And it's more people-pleasing behaviour. My kids have just gone back. Can you hear them in the background? We will plow on. I've only got a couple of minutes left. So, yeah, it's, yeah, it's life, isn't it? Number two, the second

tip that I have is to seek support and take steps in vulnerability. You know, you are hardwired to need community, as much as you might have the narrative that you do not need anyone, that it's down to you. The people around you have strengths in the same places that you have weaknesses. You know, think about the Stone Age. Some early humans were actually physically more suited to hunting whilst others were better placed in that gathering roles stoking the fire. Now, each role is very vital for survival. We can't all be good at everything and strong in every way and capable at everything we turn our hands to. And that's just human. It's not failure. So the less you try to be everything and try, try, try, the more you're actually

able to let other people step in with their skills so that you can focus on the things that play to your strengths. So yeah, you know what? You're not good enough. I'm not good enough. We are humans. We are limited in our resources, in our time, our energy in every way. We need each other. And I think the sooner we recognise that, the sooner we can find strengths in, in, yeah, turning to other people where we need to. So I hope that's been helpful, giving you something to think about. I will, I will log off now because the house is getting very loud. I don't know if this mic picks that up, but don't forget, if you haven't got a copy of the uncomfortable truth, please do it. It's sunshine yellow. It is gentle, warm, compassionate,

challenging and it's all about changing your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears and I hope you love it I hope it changes and challenges and that's you I am so excited to announce that my brand new book the uncomfortable truth change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears is available for pre-order now and is out on the 8th of August and in this book we tackle some of life's big, unavoidable, uncomfortable truths, such as some people don't like me. I am going to fail. Life isn't there. Bad things will happen. And in this book, we tackle these big uncomfortable trees that rob us of so much headspace and energy as we try and control and avoid them. And as we move into a place of radical acceptance of these truths, you will find yourself living more freely and intentionally with more presence and confidence. than ever before. So come on this journey with me and pre-order now at Wardstones in Amazon

and we can celebrate together.