The Therapy Edit - On the real truth behind success

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna discusses the real truth behind success.So often when we are confronted with other people's achievements, we fall into the comparison trap, and feelings of not being good enough can surface. We can be so critical of ourselves, particularly when we are tired and depleted.Join Anna for this short 10 minute episode where she shares the one truth that can help us to reframe our reactions to and feelings around other people's accomplishments so that they no longer trigger us.For more support around this topic, buy a copy of Anna's book Know Your Worth or watch The Week on Worth course.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, today is the speed of a little 10-minter. So whether you're listening on the school run or a dog walk, thank you for joining me. I have got a truth to share with you today. And it came to. off the back of my recent book announcement on Instagram. I shared this news that I had this book and I was just, to be honest, an absolute relief when you kind of share books because it's such a big thing behind the scenes. There's so much stuff that goes into it and I just sometimes feel like I'm being a bit secret squirrel with what I'm with what I'm up to.

So it's just, yeah, it's good to have the news out so I don't have to be so secret squirrel anymore. And this podcast episode on the real truth behind people's success is off the back of some comments that I received when I shared this news. And they were very much along the line of, this is one of them. Anna, how do you do it? Please tell me, I can't even finish an email and your writing books. Now, isn't this what happens often when we view other people's and we think, oh my gosh, compared to me, how the heck I'm struggling to do this. I'm struggling to do that and look what they're doing and what do we often feel. We feel not good enough. We sit in the shadows of the sunshine of that piece of news and we just kind of look at what we're doing and we

just compare it, don't we? So we look at other people's achievements and we can so quickly use them as fuel for comparison and often it's that kind of unhelpful comparison and we can criticize ourselves now off the back of that this is the truth that I want to share with you whenever you see someone sharing something good it might be a job promotion it might be a piece of work that they've done it might be a breakthrough that they have let me tell you this there is always. There is always a cost. And I am so privileged in my work to see behind the scenes of so many people's lives. And when I used to work in London, I would speak to people who were doing incredible things. And often this is what the world would see. And I would get the

privilege of that behind the scenes. But it gave me that really powerful insight, that fundamental underlined, emboldened truth that there is always a cost. Now, have a thing you might look at an athlete. I'm about to go and see my husband do the marathon in a few weeks. And, you know, I'm sure we'll see some amazing people whilst we're there running at paces that I, you know, will never move at. You know, we can look at an athlete and we can be utterly astounded by their running time when we're struggling with a couch to 5K. But what we don't see, see is the cost. Think about the cost. We don't see the grueling early starts when their body is begging to get back into bed. We don't see all those missed family celebrations that are replaced

by needed sprints on tracks. We don't think about the cost because it's there in front of us saying, hey, I've done this. You haven't. And we can just feel like we're sitting in the shadows of that shiny success. And we do not see the cost. And when we're tired and we're depleted and all of those things that we often are in parenting, it's even, it takes energy to coach ourselves through that comparison, doesn't it? It takes energy to say, Anna, hey, pause, pause there. Think about the cost. Think about the cost.

Now, I want you to think about, you know, some of those successes that you have in life. Some of the things that people on the outside might look at you and think, wow, that's amazing. I couldn't do that. I don't have a chance of doing that. And I want you to think of the cost. What was the real cost for you? What was the juggle behind the scenes? What were the sleepless nights? What was the, you know, the prioritising that you had to make, the things you had to miss out on? You know, what were those things? Was it a financial cost? Maybe it was money spent on childcare and support at home to facilitate you doing what you do. Maybe it's grief at missing out. on your child's milestones because you were at work perhaps? Or is it that actually in the evenings you had nothing left for your partner at the end of the day? So your relationship was realistically fraying at the edges. Maybe it was loneliness that you'd be missing out on friendships and you just don't feel like you have the energy or the capacity to invest. Maybe it's that anger

and irritability that can build up when we're just done in and we do not have the energy to be calm. Have a little think, what was the cost for you? Those things that other people praised you for. What was the reality? What was the price? And you know what? If there is no cost, if you remember that thing or you're reflecting on that success or that end result and you're thinking, you know what, actually, I managed to, everything was kind of okay. Now let me tell you this, it's very likely that you were the cost, your mental health and wellbeing. Now, let me tell you the cost for me with the book. You know, there was the financial cost of childcare. So we have a nanny that does two after schools a week between four and seven. So there's a financial cost. There were

weekends spent on my laptop writing and writing and editing and editing and logistics, sometimes tense logistics with my husband over when I can fit this work time in between all the other weekend things that we do or in the evening when he comes from home from work and I have just got my head in my laptop and I haven't even turned the lights on and let alone even thought about what's going on for dinner. You know, there have been nights that I've lain awake with just all these creative thoughts running through my mind and other income work that has been nudged aside. and sometimes I felt really distracted and absent with my kids as my mind was just in the words.

And recently we went on holiday. If I can call it that, we stayed in an Airbnb that was infested with squirrels and then there was a medical emergency with a family that we were staying with. So it wasn't the most relaxing holiday. So I used that term very loosely as parents often do. But I spent a lot of that holiday editing and editing whilst the kids my family were at the beach doing fun things. So there's a little bit of an insight into the background of that, you know, exciting announcement that there is a cost. There is always a cost.

If that resonates with you, what might you do to reassess things? You know, you are a very, very high price to pay for an outcome. You are a very, very high. high price to pay for a front of house. You know, if your mental health is that behind the scenes, if your emotional mental well-being is that cost, what might you change, what conversations might need to be had, what boundaries need to be set or reassessed. My book, obviously my book is going to delve all like right, right into the middle of this. And yeah, so pre-order that in all the usual places and your pre-orders really helped to get the word out there. Algorithms and all that and you don't pay until it's shipped.

But I've also got No Your Worth, which could be a really, really good one for this, as that talks a lot into comparison. And what's the other thing that will help with this? Either the people pleasing course on my website or the week on worth as well, if you like kind of more journaling-based things. So if you find yourself comparing, know that there is a cost. It might be behind the scenes. You might never know what that cost is.

But it is not that you are failing that you are not trying hard enough. It is just that you cannot see what that cost is. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us. and head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing starting at only 20 pounds and finally don't forget to pre-order my new book raising a happier mother how to find balance feel good and see your children flourish as a result

I can't wait for you to have that take care and we'll chat soon