The Therapy Edit - On the thoughts we don't talk about

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

From thoughts of pushing over a stand of mugs in a gift shop, to imagining crashes on the motorway, intrusive thoughts are rarely discussed. We all get them, but do we know why? And what do we do about them?

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to episode 10 of the Therapy Edit. Today I'm talking on intrusive thoughts. Now, I'm going to do this slightly differently today because my book, Mind Over Mother, every mom's guide to worrying anxiety in the first year is out on Thursday, Thursday the 14th of May. So I'm going to read you an extract. Now, before I read this extract, I just want to tell you a little bit about intrusive thoughts and what I mean by this.

So intrusive thoughts are those thoughts that just pop into your mind. Now, they can be really unremarkable. So I'm going to give you a humorous example. So sometimes I get intrusive thoughts at a wedding. You know that part where they say, does anyone here present, know of any reason? why this couple may not be joined in matrimony. And I get this intrusive thought of just popping my hand up, jumping up, just to see what would happen.

I'm not going to do it. I've never done it. I'm not going to get any more wedding invitations now. But that is an example of an intrusive thought. Other interesting intrusive thoughts I've had are what if I just took my clothes off now and streaked through this tube station? What if I pulled that lady's hair, a lady in front of me on the. bus with a really long ponytail. What if I pushed over that massive rack of mugs in the gift shop?

So those are all intrusive thoughts and they might be flashes of thought or imagery that come through your mind. Now what I'm going to talk about in this extract here is the kind of intrusive thoughts that really bring a lot of confusion. They can be quite dark and they can bring shame. So these are the ones I want to talk about today. So yeah, I mean, I'm going to share some really honest experience of mine with intrusive thoughts. So it feels like quite a vulnerable thing to do, but hopefully it will help people. So this is my extract. I'd experienced intrusive thoughts before becoming a mother. There was a time in my life where I felt very low and depressed. A few years later, I had a new baby. I loved him with my whole heart, so much so that

sometimes it almost hurt my eyes to look at him for too long. I walked down the creaky stairs one morning after a rough night and bam. I had this clear flash of him tumbling out of my arms and down the stairs. It made me feel sick. I held him tighter, tensed my shoulders and continued downstairs at the pace of an elderly woman. If I let my mind ruminate on these thoughts, I'd feel a heavy ache of fear, shock and grief as I played out the scenario in my mind. If you had watched me during the moments in which I envisaged the buggy rolling into a busy road, you'd have simply seen me inhaling sharply and continuing on. In my darkest, most desperate moments, I fantasised about something happening to me

so that I'd be hospitalised, which would give me a break. I could sleep there, someone would look after me. it feels shocking to see it in black and white but I doubt that I'm alone and if you've ever thought that and been shocked at yourself too then there we go you aren't alone with this low point came a different kind of intrusive thought as I type this I feel a wave of shame and trepidation will you judge me will you wonder what kind of mother I am perhaps you might consider picking out the phone to the police or a doctor or to social services maybe you tell them that they need to take my kids away. These feelings of shame and fear keep us stuck and isolated with

intrusive thoughts. They stop us from seeking supportive and grounding voices and input. We power on because we worry about the judgment of others, but for me, powering on in my own strength just took me deeper into my own darkness. Waving that white flag of surrender was the bravest, strongest thing I've ever done. It wasn't the end but the beginning of a better path, a path on which I wasn't alone. These days, my intrusive thoughts ebb and flow with hormone peaks in a rough night's sleep. Seeing the patterns and the links between my physical state and the fluctuations in intrusive thoughts has been so important for me. I can rationalise them a lot more efficiently when I've put them down to the fact that I'm tired or my period is due.

I still get intrusive thoughts. I know I probably always will to varying extents. They're often focused on people I love getting sick or dying, me falling down the stairs whilst holding a child or crashing the car on the motorway. However, they don't impact my mood, actions or state of mind in the way they're used to. I see them for what they are.

They are cruel visions that skip across my mind. They are not certainties of my future. I have stopped feeding them their favorite form of nourishment, my attention. These days they rarely grow unless I respond to them with undeserved headspace. Why do we get intrusive thoughts? Our minds are creative and clever. We are constantly assessing risks, choices and possibilities as we go about our lives. Our brain considers impulses, needs, fears and desires in a single fleeting second that often goes unnoticed. Sometimes, during periods of anxiety or increased intrusive thoughts,

we can become hyper aware of this internal process that usually bumbles along in the background. We're much more likely to hone in on obscure thoughts or consider them further if they evoke emotions such as humour, shock, fear or grief. It's like we're bringing something into full colour theatre when it was only intended to be black and white static image. The challenge is that these intrusive thoughts

aren't irrational. You can't easily beat them off as impossible and reassure yourself that they are never going to come to fruition. I'm conjuring up real life potential scenarios. These are things that do happen or have happened to me. These are things that nobody can promise will never happen. Promising me that nothing bad will ever happen to my baby might make me feel better. However, we'd know it would be an empty promise. Sometimes I really want to hear it. I want my mum to walk into the room, give me a hug and promise me that my family and I will forever be safe. We are sometimes sharply aware that none of us, however careful, are immune from life's curveballs. Addressing anxiety and intrusive thoughts is a process of coming to terms with the fact that bad things happen

and seeking ways to feel peaceful amidst that truth. What should you do about intrusive thoughts? Consider what might be fueling them. This insight can give you strength and ground you. Insight can act like a boat anchor in the storm. The waves will still come and go and the boat bobs with the tide, but it is safe. My top tips are addressing intrusive thoughts. These are my go-to techniques when I have an intrusive thought.

I use them often and they can be used with all times. types of anxious and intrusive thoughts that barge into your brain. One, starve them of attention. Intrusive thoughts will come regardless of what you do, but you have a choice in how or whether you interact with them. By indulging them with our attention, we are inviting them to take space in our mind that frankly they don't deserve.

As we apply less meaning to their content, we can grow in confidence that they are thoughts, not premonitions of future certainties. Imagine the boring, mundane alternative. I've been using this technique a lot and I'm finding it helpful. Every time I get an intrusive or anxious thought, I encourage myself to think of the boring, mundane alternative. Number three, recognise that you are not passive to intrusive thoughts. You cannot control how often they come and what they are, but you can control how much authority you give them through attention.

Wave the thought on by. Intrusive thoughts are not reflective of your personality. If you have cruel thoughts that hop into your mind like an unwelcome visitor when you're simply getting on with life, remember, they do not reflect your personality. The thought might seem crazy but you are not. It's not the thought itself that's the problem, it's what you do with it. Be kind and patient with yourself as you address intrusive thoughts. Your mind is used to responding to them in a certain way and therefore challenging

and changing them can take time. Even if you're managing to hold one spiral out of five, that is a victory. We're equipping and retraining our brains to react differently. I know I've touched on this before, but if intrusive thoughts are causing you distress, please seek support like I did. You are worth finding the tools to live your life without being bombarded by traumatic thoughts. Intrusive thoughts don't deserve a position of dominance where they rob your motherhood experience of all peace and enjoyment. Thank you for listening to today's episode of the Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram and Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know

You're Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way. platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.