The Therapy Edit - On untangling feelings of failure

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

I share a thought on why we feel like we're failing sometimes. It's a philosophical one, about how motherhood is a role, but it is also an identity.As mothers, when we feel like we are failing, the feeling can hit a little harder sometimes, because it can feel less to do with getting a role a bit wrong sometimes, and more to do with who we are! I untangle this a little in this episode.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. I hope you are okay whether you're listening on a quick walk or on a dog walk or with a buggy. I love imagining what you'll be doing as you listen to this. I have got a little philosophical thought on guilt today. Actually came from a moment last night sitting on the sofa. My husband walked in from work and I felt this wave of jealousy and I wanted to unpick that.

So I'm going to share that with you. But first of all, I wanted to remind you that my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums is out really, really soon and it's full of little kind of pep talks. Every emotion in that early kind of intense stage of motherhood I've written a couple of pages for. So if you're feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, irritable, anxious, you just flick to that page and you've got some just warm, compassionate words. So I really encourage you if you're in the thick of it yourself or if you've got a friend that is or is about to be to pre-order that, and I promise you, it has so many words of wisdom and support in there that

I needed. I think often us authors, we write the books that we needed. I want to give you what I needed. So yes, that's that's that. So back onto this moment of guilt. So I had a really hard day with the kids yesterday. It was just one of those days where the tantrums were rolling in like waves. Everything, you know, go from happy to chaotic and loud and just total chaos in in the matter of moments. And that kind of continued, continued really right until the end of the day, my husband and I were actually swapping out with one of our kids who was just in it, having a meltdown and we were both exhausted so we took it in turn so that we could be calm for him and do that thing that I think we all ideally want to do that is I think the hardest thing

in motherhood which is just trying to be like trying to be steady and calm for our children so that when they have those storms we are like the anchor and I find that really hard I find that the biggest challenge of parenting and my husband walked through the door at just the right time really as that was going on and we were able to swap out, take it in turn so that we could maintain calm. Anyway, he came in and I felt this wave of jealousy come over me. I think I'd had such a hard day. I had used pretty much everything inside of myself to try, try and be calm. Now let me tell you, there were, oh my goodness, there were moments where I did not manage. I am only human. We are human and our resources change every single.

or day, don't they? So to expect ourselves to always be calm is just, it's not, it's just not possible. So I had not been perfect. My kids don't need a perfect parent. I had tried my best. I'd done the best I could with what I had. And to me, that that has to be enough. But I felt this wave of envy that he had been at work and that his challenges were different to mine and maybe required different parts of him. So maybe they were more intellectual or kind of mental. challenges and the stress that perhaps he'd encountered at work was different. I feel sometimes the motherhood stress is so visceral, don't you? It's emotional, it's mental, it's physical. And on those days where it's just hard, I think, I'd sat on the sofa and I just felt rubbish.

I really questioned my ability to be a mum. I'd questioned my sanity. I'd questioned why on earth I'm finding this so hard. Does every... find it this hard? Does everyone find it this hard sometimes where it takes everything inside of you and still you don't feel like you've given enough or you've not done enough or you've not done it right or you've failed there and it's just it just felt so big and it felt like such a challenge of my worth really and I was just unpicking this this envy this jealousy that I felt, as I love to do, being trained in psychoanalysis is one of my favorite things and I often use myself as a subject. And I thought, why do I feel? Why do I struggle so much at the end of

these days just feeling rubbish? Feeling rubbish. And I thought, when we are working, that is a part of us. You know, if you've got a job, that is a part of you. My work days, I often, feel accomplished. I often, it's good for my self-esteem because I know when I'm doing a good job, I can get feedback, I can feel like I've been productive and efficient and I know what I'm doing. I don't question myself as much. I feel confident. You know, if I have a rough work day and something goes off-piece, work is one of my hats. It is one of my hats. You know, work is one of my husband's hats. I have other hats. You know, we wear other hats. So if we've had a rubbish work day and we feel like, oh, that was a bit, I did something a bit wrong there. We can

look at other areas of our lives and be reassured that we're doing a good job. Maybe it's your friendships. Maybe it's your, you know, your relationships, your, your mothering, whatever it is, other areas of your life, but you think, you know what, I'm not a total failure. That's going all right. That's going all right. It was just a bad day. But I feel like, motherhood is such a huge part of who we are. It's not just a hat. It's our identity. We are moms. We're other things too. We are other things too. But it's not a job. It's part of the essence of who we are. It is who we are as a person. We are a mum. We have other hats. We're daughters, we're daughters, partners, you know, all of those other things. But

we are a mother. It's not a job that we have. It's a part of who we are. So when I've had a hard day, when something's gone awry, you know, it's not just that one hat. I think, oh, that didn't go so well, but there are other areas of my life that I can gain confidence and comfort from. This is why I think we struggle so much as moms with feelings of guilt and shame because it's not like saying I didn't do that well. We are mums. We are questioning everything about ourselves. There is so much that goes into it, isn't there? Every, every essence, every element of different forms of our resources and our energy go into motherhood. So when we feel like we haven't done enough, it's so easy to shame ourselves. It's not like we say that wasn't great.

That wasn't enough. We turn it into statements about our identity because we are mother. I wasn't enough. I feel, I am guilty. Do you see what I mean? It's harder because it's not a role that we have where we can say, I feel like I've failed in that. Because it's our identity.

we can feel like we are the failure. We are the failure. Now, I think my tip for this is just know, notice when are you shaming yourself? When has having a bad day turned into I am bad? I am not good enough. I am a failure. Just start to be wary of those shaming statements that are about who you, You are. Zoom out. Look at the bigger picture. Look at the bigger picture of who you are. Start thinking about actually looking for those moments where it went well. Looking for those moments that your child perhaps did something that just really affirmed that you're putting really good stuff in them too. Remember that kids do not need a perfect parent. We're all just trying to make it through. And as I found myself saying, why is this so hard?

Why am I finding this so hard? Am I not enough? Am I not strong enough? Am I not patient enough? Really questioning me, the entirety of me. I felt another voice inside of me go, and the reason you are finding this hard is because it is.

It is hard. It is hard. And it's so easy, isn't it? to look at that little snapshots of what other people are doing, what we see of what they're doing curated, created, filtered through the lenses of our own insecurities and take those statements, fingers pointing back to ourselves saying you're not doing well enough. Why are you finding this so hard? Look at everyone else. They seem to be doing better than you. And when I shared this on my Instagram. So if you go on my page and you'll see a picture of me, I think it's my face and in the back

there's all kinds of manner of chaos going on on the floor. Have a look there and scroll down in the comments, scroll down to see what people are saying, see how people are responding. So many of us, almost all of us, are sitting there going, why am I finding this so hard? What is wrong with me. Let that shame. Let that shame fall away. Encourage yourself to say statements like instead of I'm a failure, oh, today didn't go so well. Oh, today was challenging. How might I get some support to help me to resource me? I hope that's helpful. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find Find more from me on Instagram, Anna Martha.

You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worse. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.