The Therapy Edit - On what to do about envy and jealousy

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

In this episode Anna considers the reasons that we might feel envious of others and how we can reframe this emotion and allow ourselves some self compassion.Anna reads a short excerpt from her lastest book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, Grounding Words for The Highs, The Lows and The Moments InbetweenYou can get your copy here https://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Calm-New-Mums/dp/0241559812/ref=sr_1_1?crid=30JE2GQLPU7WL&keywords=the+little+book+of+calm+for+new+mums&qid=1658230072&sprefix=the+little+book+of+calm%2Caps%2C72&sr=8-1

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, welcome to today's episode of the Therapy Edit. Today I'm speaking about that feeling of envy and jealousy because it's one of those feelings that we can be so judgmental towards ourselves, can't we? We can criticise ourselves. We don't like that feeling. We might feel like I don't want to feel like that choice someone. I don't, it's just, it's uncomfortable.

So what can we do about it? Now, I'm going to read the section out of The Little Book of Calm for New Mum. So this is that I'm just showing if you're watching this on video, I'm showing, I'm giving it a flash. So the Little Book of Calm is my new book and it basically has different sections for every feeling and emotion that you feel in early motherhood. In fact, the overwhelming feedback we've had is that this, there is so much in here that is useful for moms of children of all ages. So we're going to talk about the section on envy.

So the mantra that I've got that I've written for this one is feeling envious isn't being a bad mother, it's being a human one. It's a human emotion. Let's take the self-judgment out of it and look at it in a different way. Now I'm reading straight from it, okay? We want to be nice people, nice mums, friendly, likable, loving. So when the green-eyed monster rears its head, you can immediately catapult into judging yourself. To accept yourself isn't to filter your human feelings and only approve of the nice ones. Feeling the whole spectrum of emotion isn't being a bad person or mother. It's just being a human one.

Now, nobody, nobody is immune to envy. is what we do with it that makes a difference. You can't control what feelings come, but you can decide what you do with them. Left unchecked, envy can drive a wedge between friends and family. Have you ever felt that? That wedge, it can leave you feeling less than and critical of yourself. So when you feel a stab of envy or you recognize that that emotion is coming up in you,

what can you do with it? Here are three steps. Number one, acknowledge. Acknowledge the envy. Accepting something doesn't mean that you're going to leave it as it is. It doesn't mean that you're just going to feel envious forever and that you're just going to sit there and look at that envy. It just means that you accept that it's a feeling you're having right now. Acknowledging something and naming it means that you can then respond to it constructively rather than rely on autopilot.

So number two is investigate. Get your detective goggles on. Consider what might be behind the envy. Is it because you feel lacking in some way? Is it perhaps a sense of loss or grief that someone has something that you lost or your heart so wishes that you had? Might it be that you're making assumptions, for example, if the month the play group looks happy and well put together, then she truly is. Or when you open up envy, you often often discover feelings of not being good enough, hurt, loss, fear or sadness. Isn't this so true? And I think what is helpful about this investigation part of dealing with envy is that this is where we find the compassion for ourselves. Isn't it? Because when we're judging ourselves, we're stuck in

that emotion because we're just criticizing ourselves. We're shaming ourselves. We're saying, I am a bad person for feeling like this. How am I feeling like this? But when we're investigating it and we're learning that actually, you know, often behind envy, there might be a loss or a grief or that someone has something that you want. Perhaps they've got more support. Perhaps they seem to have a better friendship network. Perhaps, you know, they have a child.

I remember when we were going through my sister's cancer treatment, Are the envy that I felt at families that didn't have to be journeying through that? You know, does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a bad person? Or does it just bring awareness to the fact that I wish I had something that they had? I wish they had the health that we so badly yearn for? You know, when we start and picking it a little bit off, and this is where we can find that compassion for us.

ourselves. And then the third thing is respond. How can you respond kindly to this envy that you're feeling? Self-criticism, it gets us nowhere, but self-compassion enables us to acknowledge and move through an emotion rather than feel stifled and stuck in it. How might you help yourself in this moment? Perhaps this envy can move you to work on your self-esteem. You know, maybe you just realize actually I'm always feeling jealous of that person because I'm actually just not feeling great and I think that they are and that's hard for me. You know, maybe that prompts me then to work on my self-esteem. Maybe it prompts me to have a conversation with a friend about the envy that you feel about this aspect of their lives. When we talk about envy in an honest way, it can be

like disarming a bomb before it detonates. You know, is that, is that, you know, is that, You know what? I feel really envious. This is how I see it. This is what I've realized I'm struggling with. This is why I'm finding it hard. And I know I can see it in me that it's just affecting the way that I feel in our relationship. So talking about that honestly can actually sometimes be like disarming that bomb before it detonates, removing that wedge before it drives in between that relationship that means something to you. Perhaps you can acknowledge that your envy as a result of seeing someone excel in an area where you want to see growth. Maybe it can be a launch pad to addressing procrastination or in helpful habits so that you too can grow in this area.

It's just a completely different way of seeing envy, isn't it? Instead of something just to get frustrated ourselves about, they're actually just exploring it a little bit and we might find out that we're sad or we're frustrated or we're lacking and we're needing or actually we want to grow and that person is growing in that way and we want some of that and we don't have it and how might that prompt us to to find a way that we might grow in that area. And the tip that I have for this, so I end every little chapter, I end every chapter with a tip. And this one is note down in your journal the different kinds of envy that you have felt recently and go through these three steps to see how that feeling changes. And I assure you that it will because when we untangle it

a little bit, when we see it for what it is, when we allow it to be a feeling rather than a statement of who we are as a person and how good we are as a person, then it starts shifting and changing shape and we can move through it. And I've also got here, so every chapter I recommend three other chapters you might like to read. So if you're picking this up in a moment where you're feeling that envy and you've got an extra couple of seconds or a couple of minutes, then you might like to also read the sections on comparison, comparing myself, don't feel good enough, and also social anxiety. So if you've got the little book of camp for new mums, then you can dive into those sections afterwards. So I hope that's helpful.

And the next time you feel that familiar wave of envy or jealousy come up in you, then just, you know, have a listen to this episode again, maybe mark it so that you know that you can go back to it just to kind of disarm some of that because envy can really get in the way of relationships, can't it? It can really find us telling those stories about that other person, you know, the number of times that I have almost kind of encapsulated who someone is, what they're going through, what they're like, because they look like they're thriving or they're really good. They seem to be just doing a great job of parenting multiple children, whereas I feel like I'm that swan that seems okay on the top, but it's floundering under the surface. And I might feel really

envious when actually we have those conversations it gives us that opportunity to see a little bit more behind the scenes and then we know that we're less alone than we thought we know that these fantasies that sometimes we build about other people you know it just starts to break them down and that's so helpful anyway i find that really helpful so i hope you enjoyed that little chapter that i read from the little book of calm for new mum's grounding words for the highs the lows and the moments in between one for your bag, your bedside table, your kitchen draw, a little pep talk, some grounding words in the moments that you need the most they say as authors write the books we need or we need it. And I definitely say that that is true for this one.

Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional

and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.