The Therapy Edit - On what to do when you feel irritable

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

When I feel irritable, my first response has historically been frustration towards myself and self-criticism. Here's a new approach to try next time you feel that wave of irritability come over you.NEWS! To address this topic, I read you a section of my new book 'The Little Book of Calm for New Mums: Grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between'I can't wait for you to have it in your hands, whether it's for you or a gift for a friend. You can preorder it here: https://amzn.to/3vf8869More about my book OUT MAY 26th 2022The Little Book of Calm for New Mums will share advice and support on issues that new mothers face, from A for Anger, to I for Insomnia, providing an empowering pep talk for those days when new mothers need it most.Psychotherapist and mother of three, Anna Mathur, will support readers through the rollercoaster of feelings that come with being a new mum and provide expert advice based on her own professional and personal experiences. Whether you need some quick grounding, a note of compassion, or you want to untangle a feeling, flick to a page for a quick, uplifting moment of much-needed support.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to today's episode. I hope you're okay whether you are walking the dog. You've just done a drop off or perhaps you're in the bath. Who knows? But I hope that you find this episode on irritability, helpful. has been really a highly requested topic and funnily enough today I have been feeling incredibly

irritable for me today it's because I'm hormonal but everything everything is winding me up and I'm going to encourage my husband this evening to probably give me a wide birth but in this episode I want to talk to you about what can we do when we feel irritable how can we help ourselves how can we approach ourselves in a more compassionate and gentle way then I don't know about you, but when I feel irritable, I don't, I don't like that version of myself. I don't like feeling a patient. I don't like feeling snappy. So how can we approach it in a way that is going to be far more beneficial and nurturing to our well-being? And the exciting thing about today's episode is that I'm going to be reading you an excerpt. I haven't told anyone this. This is not

public knowledge yet. You're literally the first people that will hear this. I have written a book over the last year, and it is called The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows, and the moments in between. And it's kind of an index of motherhood emotions with a page or two, just untangling it, giving some kind words, almost that kind of metaphorical hand on the shoulder, the friend in your ear, you know, if someone was to be there, if you were to be in my kitchen, having a moment, what would I say to you? what words would I want to share with you to encourage you, comfort you and help you

untangle that feeling a little bit more, bring some compassion into it, which is what I'm always so keen to encourage you to do. So my book is out May the 26th and it's available for pre-order now. So I'm going to read you the passage that is about being irritable. So this is the irritable emotion chapter. Irritable. I don't like being irritable. It's like the worst of myself pops out to any given opportunity and it's hard to rain in. My words come out sharper than I mean them to and I feel less able to rationalise and bring balance to what's going on around me. Things I might normally be able to brush off suddenly feel intolerable. Emotions I might usually contain or calm with compassion instead spill over and create a mess that I later

have to clean up somehow with an apology or an explanation. The less energy you have, the less your resources are topped up through rest, connection and self-care, the less you're able to process emotions and feelings constructively in a way that you would like to. Here are three what questions to ask yourself when you feel irritable. Number one, what is making me irritable? I don't mean the dripping tap, the washing pile or the confusingly worded text from a friend. I mean, what is missing that might usually enable you to navigate this in a way that you would like to? Maybe sleep is missing or perhaps your normal hormonal rhythm.

Maybe it's support, understanding, or it might be those little things that you did pre-baby that nourished you somehow. Carefree laughter with friends. Space to do your thing. Your old exercise routine that used to give you a high. Number two, what is missing from my resources? Now this is the tricky bit because often what you want isn't something that you can have or it requires more logistics than you have energy to organise. You might want a full night sleep, a holiday or for colic to adios itself out of the door.

So then look at the underlying need beyond that. For example, a full night's sleep, maybe you need rest. A holiday, maybe you're hungering for a change of context. to add yourself out of the door, maybe you're seeking relief for your baby and a break from the stress. Number three, what can I do to meet my needs? How might you meet those needs, even if it's in a small way that tops up your resources, a smidge? Rest, put aside the washing. If you need a change of context, maybe drive to a new place for the afternoon. If you're seeking relief for your baby in a break from the stress, research some colic relief tips and take a baby free walk for

half an hour whilst listening to a podcast. So those are three little walk questions that you can address the next time you feel irritable. So my irritability today, let me have a little thing. What is making me irritable noise when I'm hormonal? I really find the noise just creates that irritable energy inside of me that is just threatening to pop out, I might literally throw my husband an evil glare as he's eating his dinner because it's just winding me up. He's not doing anything wrong. But so, you know, the answer to that and that first question, what is making me irritable? The noise. The noise is making me irritable. Number two, what is missing from my resources? so for me it's probably calm hormones is missing it might be that actually and what I often find

when I'm feeling hormonal is that it's it's removing that buffer a little bit it's often just revealing what might already be there I'm a little less defended against it so for me it might be quiet I just I've had a full house kids haven't been well we haven't done very much this last half term when I'm recording this. So what is missing from my resources? Calm hormones and space and quiet. Maybe it's those things. And then number three, what can I do to meet my needs? I can get out for a walk. I've got a meeting later on. Maybe I'll get out. I'll get out the house and go for a walk as I do that and quiet. Maybe when the kids go down tonight, perhaps I can not just shove on the TV and get on catching up on my messages for the day. Maybe I can just

lie down and soak up the quiet for a moment before I get onto those things. Just little things to meet those needs. But I think the most important thing is that when you're feeling irritable, instead of jumping into that place of self-criticism, just be inquisitive, inquire. What might it be that you're lacking right now? What resources need topping up? And how can you do that in one, even if it's just tiny, even if it is in the tiniest way? Because I know that my kids respond so much better when they are grumpy and irritable. If I am to think about what they need, to think about what resources might be low for them, you know, do they need a rest? Do they need taking outside? Do we need to put them to bed earlier? What might it be that is causing them

to just feel like the worst versions of themselves in that moment. You know, that is far more effective to do that with love and compassion and intrigue than for me, and I'm not saying I never do this, trust me. I definitely have my moments, but I'm trying to be kinder. I'm trying to be more inquisitive in this. You know, that compassion and that nurturing way of dealing with that irritability in my kids is so much more effective than me saying, why can't you just, you know, just can't down just be quiet just you know why can't you just play nicely why can't you just be calm and i think

compassion over criticism and we try and do this with our children don't we because we know it works better when we approach their grumpiness with being inquisitive and thoughtful than when we criticize it and if we can we can turn that attention towards ourselves and try and do the same for ourselves because we, at the end of the day, we're all just trying to do the best we have with what we can. And when we're irritable, why not see it? It's a little flag that pops up and says, you're feeling depleted. You've not got a lot to give right now. You've not got a lot.

You've not got a lot of that buffer. How might you just do a little something to increase that buffer? So I hope you found that helpful, that little insight into my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words, the highs, the lows and the moments in between. And you can pre-order that now, and it will be out on the 26th of May, which is actually quite soon. And I can't wait for you to have it in your hands.

Take care. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother. and know your worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mothers' mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.