The Therapy Edit - On why you're doing better than you think

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Our focus is often 'doing better' at parenting, or berating ourselves for missing the mark. But what a difference it can make when we start to recognise the moments reminding us how we're doing better than we give ourselves credit for.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi and welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. Today I wanted to share a moment I had the other day. And I've called it on doing a good job at parenting, not because I've got a shedload of tips on how to a better parent, but because I think often we don't actually give ourselves enough credit. It's so often that we focus on the things that we want to or need to improve. I don't know about you, but I've got a whole bookshelf on with parenting books.

I listen to lots of podcasts. I read lots of stuff and it's all in the pursuit of just trying to do better and be better. I think, and I know many of us will have this feeling sometimes fueled by our own childhood that we fear, and I'm messing our kids up. We fear messing our kids up. I spent a lovely weekend at home recently and we had a great time, but it was also an absolute reminder of, you know, one of the reasons it is so good for me to be having therapy. Because often it's the dynamics, isn't it, in our childhood that we can see where loads of the neuroses or loads of the habits or loads of the ways of seeing the world that might feel a bit problematic

to us. You know, it's childhood that these things have often come from. So I think I have this fear that, you know, when I get it wrong, if I, if I shout, if I drop the ball, that I'm, that I'm that I'm damaging my children in some way. Now, there is so much kind of research. And Winnicott is one of my, one of my favorite psych therapists, psychoanalyst, psychologist, when it comes to saying that, you know, it's all about being a good enough parent. And actually, the other thing that I find really reassuring,

and I have to anchor myself in this, is that healthy failure, you know, when we fail sometimes in our, ideal parenting ways when we when we drop the balls when we you know when we lose when we lose our composure and we probably do that far more than we would like but it's how we resolve it with our children isn't it it's it's how they can see these things going full circle from kind of that that safety that that comfortable place to that disruption to the resolution and that it might be the chat that you have with your child and you say you know what I'm really sorry for shouting at you and one of my kids all often say oh that's okay mommy i'm like well it's not really how i want to

react i just need a bit more rest or i'm tired and i might explain to them what led to that but ultimately i think we put so much pressure on ourselves to do a good job at parenting and i think in a way that's healthy like of course we want to pursue being a good parent we want to equip ourselves and resource ourselves so that we could do a good job. But again, I think the focus is often on where we're getting it wrong, where we need to grow, where we need to learn, where we need to amend things, where we need to resource ourselves. And as we do that, I think it's so easy then to overlook those moments

that happen in front of our eyes, that we can miss when we're gazing at life through this haze of guilt, and self-questioning, those moments that say, you know what, actually I'm really not doing as bad a job than I thought. I have one child, he is very vocal in his feelings, and one of the things he will quite often say to us in those moments of rage, and it's very different to how he might speak to us or treat us in other moments. He's very affectionate, but when he's feeling angry,

he might shout and say, I hate you. And I often respond in, I know you feel like that, but I love you. And that's, that's just what I say. That's my party line. Despite what I might be feeling inside in that moment. And it's hard, isn't it? It's hard to hear those things. Anyway, I, I often struggle in those moments. Like I have, I tend to have lines to say that I just say to them and I'm like, well, I love you and then, you know, the mood changes and he then feels happier and normality is restored. But the other day, I heard my toddler say to him, I hate you. And he turned to her and he said, it's okay, you don't like me right now. I love you. And in that moment, I was like, oh my goodness, he is taking in what I am saying. He is giving out what is being put in

and in that moment I thought man maybe I'm not doing too bad a job after all and I let myself see that moment for what it was and then I think after another particularly rough morning you know there's mornings where you're literally trying to swallow down the shouts and the irritation and I remember sitting on the sofa just before we left for school we had a few minutes watching the telly and I looked across

and one of my kids was holding the other kid's hands now they war you know they fight they wind each other up but i think just allowing myself just in that moment where i was sitting with them and i'm so often rushing around and sorting things out and preparing and planning and you know cleaning up after breakfast but i for some reason had just decided you know what i'm just going to sit down it's probably tired a lot of our early starts at the moment and i just glanced over and i saw them just being affectionate with each other and just being gentle with each other and I thought to myself you know what I can't be doing too bad a job now those moments are like caffeine for us moms aren't they

they're like that those little affirmations those little nods along the way that you know what what you're putting in is coming out and I think so often we fear that we're putting in the messy stuff we're putting in the hard stuff we're putting in the messed up stuff when actually we're putting in a lot of great stuff too we're human of course we're not perfect we cannot be and kids do not need a perfect parent they need they need to see that you know what life isn't perfect so actually if we if they have perfect parents which let's face it doesn't exist is not setting them up to to accept and navigate an imperfect world so the best we can do is sometimes fall apart, sometimes break, sometimes go of peace,

sometimes drop the balls, sometimes shout, but it's how we address it afterwards, how we articulate it, how we then take those things as flags to meet a need that we have perhaps that came out sideways or articulate something with a friend that perhaps, you know, that we needed a feeling heard or validated. And I think seeing those things as flags to address not to shame ourselves. That's why I always say is guilt is there to prompt you not to shame you. I did a whole episode just on guilt and a technique that I have for guilt. So I think it's so often that we look at the gaps.

We look at the failings or the perceived failings. We look at the not good enoughs. When actually we are viewing things through that haze of guilt and self-questioning, we will so often then miss those moments that are there that are affirming that are saying you know what the stuff that you're putting in is coming out and don't we need more of those moments and don't we need to acknowledge them to stall them up almost for those moments where we feel for those moments where we start questioning ourselves so look out for them and when you when you see them just take that time to say to yourself, I can't be doing too bad a job. And maybe even

note them down. Maybe even have a little note in your phone or in a journal that just list those moments. So when your focus is all on the striving to do better, you can also balance it out with the acknowledgement that actually you are not doing too bad a job. You're not doing too bad a job at all. And then allowing yourself to feel pride for that, allowing yourself to feel that warm glow of, yeah, is coming out there. What I'm putting in is coming out the good stuff, the messy stuff,

all of those things. a man, don't get me wrong. I see traits in my children. I'm like, oh, I know where that came from. I know where that came from. That probably came from me. And of course, they're not going to grow up being perfect either. But I think the important thing is balancing that out with those moments in which you see them being kind, being tender to each other, being thoughtful, being loving, responding with compassion. Those moments are there because you're putting it in them. So don't be so blinded by the pursuit of being more that you are not recognising those little moments that are there to affirm the work that you are so diligently putting in. I hope you notice more of those.

Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional wellbeing. It's been lovely chatting with you.

Speak soon. Thank you. Thank you.