The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Alison Perry on the magic of hugs

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

On this episode of The Therapy Edit's 'One thing', Anna Mathur interviews Alison Perry.Alison's one thing she'd like to impart to other parents is the magical power of hugs and how they transform those moments as a parent when you just don't know what to do or how to help.To find out more about Alison:Visit her website at https://notanothermummyblog.comFollow her on Instagram @iamalisonperryVisit her Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/iamalisonperryOrder her book OMG It's Twins at: shorturl.at/yACKX

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me for the next 15 minutes as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Welcome to The Therapy Edit One Thing Today, where I get on a guest. and we hear there one thing that they really want to impart in fellow mums. And today I am so excited that I am speaking with Alison Perry. Now I started following Alison, I think probably the day that I downloaded Instagram when I had a refluxy baby. And I just found her honesty. Oh, just comforting, inspiring, just heartwarming. And yeah, just that amazing feeling that we all need of knowing that we're not alone. So Alice, is a blogger. She has not another mummy blog where she writes about travel, style and opinion all through the lens of motherhood. And she also is really candid about her experience of secondary

infertility and parenting twins. Oh my gosh. She has, she's the author of OMG, it's twins. And I'm pretty sure that's what would come out of my mouth. If I ever discovered, I was having twins, which was published in 2021. She is also a podcast extraordinaire. And her podcast is one of my go-toes with her amazing guests. And that is called Not Another Mummy Podcast. She is a feature writer for Grazie, Telegraph and more. And she is an all-round, wonderful, down-to-earth, honest fellow mum. So welcome, Alison.

Thank you so much, Anna. I'm basically going to take that little segment of recording and just play it to myself in my earphones as I walk about, you know, day-to-day because that will just make me feel amazing. Thank you. It's funny hearing you. I'll summed up, isn't it? It really is. How are you today? I'm okay.

I'm okay. Yes. We're recording this. It's nearly half past nine in the morning. I've been kind of rushing around trying to get all my various children out to school and preschool and getting ready and, you know, doing packed lunches and all the rest of it. And I just feel a little bit like, I just need to kind of just sit here with my cup of tea and have a chat to you and decompress and it's all going to be okay.

I hear you. It's like exhale, isn't it? I often feel like I'm holding my breath all morning. I caught sight of my Apple Watch this morning and my heart rate was at like 130 and I wasn't even moving around. Thus was the stress of a few moments. It's intense, isn't it? So when the house is quiet. Yeah, I've got a problem with my Apple Watch though. It keeps asking me to stand up and breathe and I'm just like, I'm too busy to breathe. Stop asking me to breathe. switch that bit off i say switch that notification off yeah telling me to breathe and stand up i'm sitting down for the first time and ages so alison in this little bite-sized podcast we we invite you to share that one thing that one thing that you today would just love to impart in all the mums listening whether they're walking a dog who've just done the school run wherever they are you know what is that one thing that you would love to share. I mean, no pressure here. No pressure at all.

No pressure. No pressure. I would say the thing that I keep coming back to time and time again, so I've got an 11-year-old and two, three-year-old, so three-year-old twins, as you mentioned. And something that I learned when my eldest was she was probably around five. And I remember her having a massive, she was really upset. And she was on the kitchen floor, refusing to put her school shoes on, refusing to go to school.

And that morning, I learned the magical power of hugs. And it sounds kind of a bit hippie-dippy and a bit, you know, woo-woo. But honestly, she was so upset. And you know where a child gets themselves so worked up and their breathing is like really erratic. And they're just getting themselves more and more and more worked up. up and it doesn't, you feel as a mom, I felt helpless. I felt like, I don't know what to do here because we need to get you out the door to school. You know, there's a time pressure. I can't just say, okay, let's not go to school today. That's fine. It's all good. Let's just go with how you're

feeling and, you know, that's cool. And I had this real panic rising. I was like, how do I deal with this? How do I help her? How do I sort this situation out? And I got down on the floor with her. and I'd never done this before but something just in my head made me get down on the floor with her, on the kitchen floor and I racked my arms around her and I just, we just laid like that for maybe a couple of minutes

and her breathing started to slow down like started to evacuate but she was still doing that kind of like thing that kids do like ages after they've been, yeah ages after they've been upset but it was just that little judzer and I could feel her heart rate was slowing and I didn't say anything. Maybe I think I might have

I've been making kind of shushing noises, but not in that kind of, be quiet, in that kind of comforting kind of way, which I think there's a real difference in how you do that. And after a couple of minutes, she just sort of sat up and she breathed and she was like, oh, and I was like, okay, shall we, should we get your shoes on? Should we go to school? And she was like, okay. And it was, and I actually felt like, I don't know, I felt like, oh my goodness, I've unlocked to the secret to parenting. I, you know, I am, I am a superhero mum. And I just,

patent that one, the hug. Honestly, it felt so good. It felt so good. And I have, I've remembered it so many times. And there's times when I do it with my twins, you know, and, you know, being three, they regularly get themselves worked up into a state over, to me, over the smallest of things. They're not small things to them. They're big, important things. And one of them occasionally pushes me away. And I find that quite hard because I'm like, no, I'm trying to hug you and then, you know, envelope you and help you. But she obviously just doesn't need that right then. She's just physically pushing me away.

And there have been a couple of times when, you know, this may not be the right thing to do, but there's been a couple of times when she's pushed me away. And I have just firmly grabbed her. And sure enough, after five seconds of her struggle, she'll just come and she'll relax and melt oh exactly um i kind of think that sometimes in those situations they don't know what they need like i know i know as their mom this is what you need you need to be held um and so sometimes i will just pull her into me and just be like no we're we're having this hug um but yeah it it really it really helps in those situations just especially when sometimes

I'm feeling stressed and anxious and like, it calms me down as well. It's a reconnection, isn't it? It's a grounding moment of stopping and reconnecting with that other little person in a way that takes you back to, I guess, what it's all about, because you can feel a bit at war, can't you? Definitely. Oh my goodness. Especially when it's about putting your shoes on or, you know, stop throwing things or, you know, things that seem illogical to a grown up. So, you know, my toddler might get upset because, you know, she wants a certain topping on her toast and you give it to her. And she's like, no. And it's like, but that's what you asked for. Oh, I hear. I hear you in those moments. I had a morning like that this morning. And

it was just, it was so full on. Do you know when you find yourself thinking, well, that's today now. This is it. It's going to be an awful day. It's a write off. And it's a right off. And I said, to my middle child who was warring with me, I said, I'm here for a hug. And he came and he hugged me. And we just sat there on the, on the, you know, on the bedging floor for a couple of minutes. And it was just so, it just brought us back to each other. And I think there's so much in it, isn't there when we look at the science of hugs and that oxytocin, that bonding hormone, that calming. And it's down, it's so good for your nervous system when it's all, do you need hug sometimes. I definitely need a hug sometimes. And like I say, I think in those situations,

that hug is just as much for me as it is for the child. And it's really interesting that you mention oxytocin because, you know, when we, you know, read like baby books and, you know, get, you know, tips on how to be with babies, we know that skin to skin with newborns and older babies is important. But I kind of feel like we forget. We forget that actually we all need oxytocin. It's not just about newborn babies. It's a scientific fact. that hugs release this hormone into our bodies. You know, it's called the cuddle hormone. It's, you know, it's a no-brainer really. Oh, I think we need that. We need that, don't we? I was sat on the bathroom floor the other day and I was cuddling a tantruming child. And I had this mental

picture of someone cuddling me in that moment, but no one was there. But even just, it made me feel teary. And I think often it is that connection. It's that feeling held that us as mums, we need it too. And it was, yeah, this kind of image of someone just coming and putting their arms around me as I was mothering. So I think it's such a powerful thing, isn't it? That we need to remember sometimes more intentionally that it's actually in our toolbox. Yeah. Yeah. And it's there for the taking and the giving. As ridiculous as it sounds, I sometimes wrap my arms around myself because I honestly feel like like you know mothering ourselves like we moms need mothering oh my goodness like I feel like we take an emotional battering pretty much every day and we can be

so hard on ourselves and we can you know we can really feel like mum guilt you know a lot of the time and just just giving yourself wrapping your arms around yourself and giving yourself a hug can sometimes and just, you know, like, you know, putting pressure on your shoulders. I get, I really, I carry a lot of tension up in my shoulders and my neck. I'm sure a lot of people do. Just giving yourself a little massage and, you know. Touch, isn't it? And when you can't get that from someone else, it's acknowledging that we need, we need

to feel mothered as well. That is so powerful. Thank you. I wonder how many moms are currently just wrapping their arms around themselves or leaning to kind of give a child a hug at the moment. But thank you so much. for that powerful reminder that hugs, yeah, they are powerful and they are in our toolbox and we can give them and we need them. And yeah, thank you. Thanks for that, Alison. So to finish with,

I have got a quick fire round for you. So can you tell me just in a single, in one or two words, what's a motherhood high for you, a feeling or a moment? Oh, a motherhood high is, honestly, it's when all three of my children are kind of like happy and content because it really feels like if it's not one, it's the other in terms of, you know, winter bugs, making them feel grumpy, not being happy with something that's happening in the house. So if I have even just five, ten minutes where all three of them are happy in a good mood and, you know, which is kind of unfair on them, right? Because we can't, we're not. as people, we're not, we can't be happy all the time. But when you see them all lined up there, just content, it's that moment, isn't it? Yeah. This is, this is, yeah, it's that high.

So everything's okay. Oh, yeah, it's good. So what would a motherhood low be for you? A motherhood low, oh my goodness. I mean, I've, I feel like I've had a lot of them. I really, I battled quite badly with anxiety, which is why I love listening to, you know, your podcast and all the content that you put out there, Anna. For me, a real motherhood low is if I'm

in the park or in a cafe with my youngest, my eldest, like she's absolutely fine. There's no anxiety there. But if they're kind of kicking off and, which again, it's a really horrible phrase, isn't it? It's a really kind of negative phrase kicking off. But if they're upset and, you know, the people around us, the head swivel, they turn and they're, and they're And in my head there's judgment and they may well be looking and being like oh I know how you feel but in my head I'm like

they're judging me they think I'm a terrible mother this is terrible this is awful and anxiety kind of goes yeah the stories we tell ourselves of what other people are thinking yeah that's definitely from me a motherhood low

yeah and what is one thing that makes you feel good one thing that makes me feel good oh goodness I would say oh just that feeling of pride that you get through your kids sometimes whether it's my youngest

one of them you know coming out with what I see has been quite a complex sentence for a three year old or whether it's my eldest getting distinction in her dance exam like she did recently it's just that feeling of like

oh like your kids doing well just does something to you doesn't it? Yeah seeing them thrive and what do you need right now? What do I need? I need to finish this cup of tea that I've got here because it is in danger of going cold. Yes, I can imagine it's verging on tepid.

There is nothing worse, if you ask me, than a microwaved cup of tea. It just doesn't taste the same. It's not the same. So how are you going to meet that need today? Well, if you could just stop talking for just a minute and let me finish it, then we'll be glad. Have a big gulp.

Have a big gulp whilst it's still vaguely warm. So the final question that I have for you, Alison, is how would you describe motherhood in three words? Oh, I would say, honestly, I'm going to give you an honest answer. Oh, go home. I'm welling up, thinking about it. Hard. I would say it's rewarding and it's confusing because it is. hard and rewarding, that then makes it confusing because it just feels like these extremes.

I hear you. I hear you. I bet there are so many people nodding along. So thank you. Thank you so much for bringing your wisdom and for, yeah, just for bringing your inspiration of just get back to the hugs. Reconnect. Get back to the hugs. Hold. Oh, I love, I love that. Thank you so much for joining us today, Alison. You're a gift to us all and we really appreciate it thank you take care bye thank you for listening to today's episode of the therapy edit if you enjoyed it please do share subscribe and review you can find more from me on instagram at anamatha you might like to check out my two books called mind over mother and know you're worth i'm also the founder of the mother mind way a platform full of guides resources and a community with the sole focus on

supporting mothers' mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.