The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Annie Zimmerman on understanding the power of your subconscious mind

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to fellow Psychotherapist, Annie Zimmerman about her One Thing; how we can understand the power of our subconscious mind and start to recognise how it might be impacting our choices and relationships.Annie Zimmerman PhD, is a psychotherapist, writer and academic. Annie began posting her life changing insights from the therapy room on TikTok and Instagram as @your_pocket_therapist in 2021 and has since amassed a large and dedicated following who return to her content for advice on everything from attachment styles, inner child work and making peace with your body.Her debut YOUR POCKET THERAPIST was published in January and is the guide to help readers break free from their old limiting patterns and unpick the ways in which we might be unintentionally holding ourselves back.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have with me a fellow psychotherapist, writer, and I'm not an academic, but she is Annie Zimmerman, Ph.D. Now, I have followed Annie on Instagram, absolutely loved and benefited from her golden lightbulb moments, little bits of psychoeducation, the stuff that I am so passionate about.

And in one real, one post, she just gives you this amazing kind of just dose of inside information that can so, often just stop you in your tracks and have you just looking at your own life through the filter of that and that insight. And I always think once we learn something, we can't unlearn it. And yeah, once we see something, we can't stay the same, really, with that new insight. So Annie is really gifted in this way. And she began posting her live changing insights from the therapy room on TikTok and Instagram. She's on there as at your underscore pocket underscore therapist. So go and find her if you don't already follow her. She began in 2021 and has since enmast a really large and dedicated following of just under half a million people.

How incredible that half a million people are gaining such valuable insight into their lives. And it will undoubtedly have this fresh awareness. And yeah, I just think it's such a gift. So they return to her content for advice on everything from attachment styles in a child's work and making peace with your body. And she has a book out. And it is called, with the help of your pocket therapist, understand your childhood, break free from limiting patterns and start living the life you deserve your pocket therapist. And the little bio on the book is, do you feel like you're stuck making the same mistakes again and again in life? I think so many of us can relate to that.

Why do we find it hard to address this habit? Why are we stuck in this cycle in relationships? Perhaps you can see the pattern. You know that it's not helping you, but you don't know how to change it. Your pocket therapist does. And in her new book, she will show you how to break your old patterns for good

and start living the richer, more fulfilling life that you deserve. So, Annie, a fellow passionate psychoeducator, it's an absolute joy to share a screen with you today. How are you? I'm really good. That was really nice to listen to. Thank you for having me. Oh, well, I just, I just love these insights that, you know, in one way, there's words on the screen, but they just have so, so much power.

How do you come up with them? And they just, you know, honestly, I think I'm reading and constantly thinking about therapy. So I have a notes app on my phone, which is like thousands of I know. Oh, I've got one of those. Yeah. So I think when you're in the field, you're constantly having interesting conversations or reading things and these little nuggets and there's so much to say. I guess in the online space, I'm, I practice psychoanalytically and I feel that that level of like depth and understanding and, you know, like real kind of nuance wasn't really portrayed online. So I think that's what kind of my mission is to bring that real deep psychological understanding that a lot of people are really craving and wanting. more and more as they learn about themselves and learn about psychology. You're so right on you. I think there's a lot around gaining self-awareness,

but actually a lot of your work is about connecting some of those dots and, yeah, encouraging us to think about how something we've been through might be playing out in or impacting relationships or a day-to-day life. So, yeah, thank you so much for everything that you share. I'm really really enjoying it and just delighted to share. you on this podcast and be able to direct people your way so that they can benefit from that level of understanding as well. But the question that we all want to ask you here is if you could share one thing with all the mums that listen to this podcast, what would that one thing be?

So that one thing would be that we, every single person, has an unconscious mind and a conscious mind. And I think people don't realize just how much that subconscious beliefs and thoughts are in the driver's seat of their life that Freud designed this as an iceberg and it's like just the tip is the conscious and everything that is underneath is the unconscious and we can become more self-aware of what is going on unconsciously

and that's how we grow and that's how we break our patterns we respond to triggers differently we can learn because if you're unconscious and your conscious are in conflict that is the cause of so much distress and it stops you from being where you want to be. So a good example is like, let's say that you really want a new job and you really

want to be successful. Consciously, it's really clear, it's really straightforward. I want, I want a new job. Let's say unconsciously, you have a deep fear of putting yourself out there, of failure, of not being perfect, or even a fear of success. You're actually terrified of change. if your unconscious is in conflict with your conscious desire, it's going to sabotage you. So that's when you might accidentally oversleep before the job interview or you get drunk the night before and you mess it up or you don't submit the application or you're too busy. All of these things that we think are coincidences are actually your unconscious, massively sabotaging your conscious desires.

And the same is for relationships. You might say that you really want a healthy, secure relationship. And yet you keep choosing people who are. ghosting you or who are in situationships or who aren't that interested in you, that would be a conflict because consciously you want a relationship. Unconsciously, maybe you're actually terrified of intimacy because of experiences from your past and actually you're scared of commitment too. So you choose relationships that are never going to really get off the ground.

So I think harmonising your conscious desires and where you want to be is really about gaining awareness as to what might be going on under the surface. and that's what we do in therapy, that's what you do in any kind of good self-reflective practice, is understand the parts of you that are holding you back. But I think so many people just stay on the surface of themselves and they don't really understand the ways in which they're holding themselves back. So they might go blame other people and not really take responsibility.

So I think if everyone knew that and was aware of that, we would be much more reflective and much more inward-looking. And I think that's how we change and ultimately get the lives that we want. yeah absolutely so it's this awareness that you have a conscience which a conscious part of your brain which is the i guess is this the one that we're probably more day-to-day where does this sound like the voice in our heads like tell us a little bit about how we can yeah really identify these different parts of our of our thinking yeah so your your conscious mind is the part of yourself that you're aware of so the feelings you're aware of the thoughts you're aware of the

memories you're aware of, your wants, your desires, your fears. And then you're unconscious, it's unconscious because you don't, you're not really aware. So it's quite hard to identify. And that's my therapy is so helpful because you might have someone come in and say, well, actually, I've noticed a pattern that every time you get a job opportunity, you mess it up. And you might not even realize, or you might think it's a coincidence. And it's someone else pointing it out or you're reflecting and realizing that yourself that helps you to become aware of what you're not aware of. Things like dreams or journaling or even just getting in touch with your feelings, a lot of what's in the unconscious of feelings that we don't

want to feel. So procrastination, for example, is actually thought to be like an avoidance of discomfort of feelings we're not even aware of. So we just get the urge to like suddenly clean when we're supposed to be sitting down and doing work. But really, there are feelings unconsciously that don't want to be felt. So we repressed them by, you know, not actually doing the work. And this is the same for any coping mechanism, like eating, scrolling, drinking, any sort of addiction. It's really unconsciously there's so many feelings that feel too scary or maybe we've been shamed for them in the past. So we use these coping strategies to push them down. And we're so unaware that we might not even realize that we're binge eating or drinking because actually we've got all of these feelings coming up.

We just get the urge to eat or drink. So again, the more aware that you can become of how you feel and what you think and just taking time to really reflect on yourself in like a really deep kind of curious way as to what's going on, the more you can understand what's happening unconsciously. I love that. It's that curiosity, isn't it? It's that awareness that if procrastination, for example, might be pointing to other feelings that you perhaps don't want to feel or don't want to look out or experience because you, yeah, you might have this narrative. around certain emotions, perhaps frustration or hurt or grief. So even asking that question, might there be a reason I'm procrastinating? What else might I be feeling? Couldn't increase our awareness of that subconscious. So I think as this podcast comes out, you know, there will be a lot of very well-intentioned New Year's resolutions, for example, that may have fallen quite quickly by the wayside and that frustration of, but I know that I wanted to instill that new

habit, let's say dry jam, layers of people I know are doing that. You know, I know that I wanted not to drink. I know that that's what I wanted, but I found myself making excuses and here I am again back where I was in November, December. What might you speak into those situations where people are just really trying to instill new habits that they know they need to do, but they're just finding themselves, just pulled back and feeling that frustration. So how might this be helpful in that context? I would be interested in the part of them that doesn't want to do the habit because it's really easy to feel, of course you want to get fit and you want to eat well

and you want to do whatever the resolution is. But if there's a part of you that it doesn't want that, and it's in your unconscious, it will likely win and sabotage you. So I would be curious as to what part of you doesn't want to change. Is there a part of you that actually prefers? not being fit because it's then for in line with how you feel about yourself and you feel that kind of gross, you know, self-loathing feeling or are you threatened by the idea of working out and being strong? Are you scared of trying and failing? Are you ashamed to, I don't know, be in the

gym or, you know, go through that horrible period where you start exercising where it's just really hard and you feel terrible? There's so many different reasons and it will be really unique for each person that the part of you that's scared needs attention and needs your, instead of being hard on yourself about it, again, approach with curiosity and compassion. Like, what's going on here? Like, why am I holding myself back? Why am I sabotaging? And just be really curious as to what you might learn about yourself.

Because I think the compulsion is to then, you know, try to attack that part and fight it. And I don't think that that ever leads to change. In fact, that just makes us feel more bad about ourselves and more ashamed and then we kind of give up. So yeah, compassionate curiosity, I guess, would be my answer to understanding the different parts of us. I love this. So say that consciously I wanted to start a new movement exercise routine, like way of kind of navigating my week and injecting a little bit more in, but I've recognised and identified that subconsciously I don't actually feel deserving of using that time in that way and ring fencing that time for myself. So I've acknowledged that subconscious

sabotage, basically, that reason for sabotage. So what do I do then with that insight that I might have just gained? So I've got this awareness of that kind of subconscious drive at play, that sabotage. Yeah. So in my book, I have kind of five steps and I guess we're going through them now. It's the first one is curiosity. So just like, what is this part of me? The second one is, is understanding where it's come from and that often involves looking back into your past so like why don't I feel deserving you know you're no child is born feeling undeserving of self-care you would have learned that so like what's happened in your life what were the messages that you were taught about time for yourself or exercise or self-care and does it go deeper into your sense of self-worth and how

you were treated and how you were loved as a child and throughout your life um so really understanding the root of it is so important, then number three is to feel because it's not, it's not just about understanding. Otherwise, people would come in for one therapy session and you'd say, this is why you are, how you are. It's because of your parents, goodbye. Off I go. Thank you. Exactly. Real change and processing is connecting to the feelings of that, and that can take a bit longer because it's really fragile and vulnerable. So like that part of you that doesn't feel deserving is, it's a painful part. It's like, that's a really vulnerable part. And why is it there? And how can you connect to it in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming

and scary? And what else does it open up different parts of you? Is there a lot of fear about taking up space and about self-actualizing? Is there a lot of sadness and grief, you know, whatever might be there and just allowing those feelings to come out and however they come out. And then step five, step four, sorry, is action, which is, okay, so we've like, we've really understood that part, we've given it time, we've connected to it, we've mapped back, we've felt it, now it's about putting that into change. So you have to actually challenge the scared, unconscious part of you. Okay, what happens if I give myself a little bit of time to exercise, like, how does it feel? Is it really terrible? Is it as terrible as I imagined? Actually,

probably you might feel a bit good as well as it being hard and, you know, like really doing something differently. And I think this is the part that people get stuck on because it requires actual change. And as much as we all want to grow and new habits, a lot of us are really scared of change. So it's a real, that is a real conscious decision of I'm going to do something differently here. And then number five is repeat because, as we all know, these things do not change overnight and they're not linear you might you know go straight into action and then actually have to go back and understand what's happening and where your resistance is and then start feeling and then be curious of you know it's all kind of loose but repeating and going through

is the way that we then change on your pathways because if if you're habitually if you're unconsciously kind of in this self-sabotage you're going to need to retrain very consciously a different pathway and that requires going over it again and again and again until it becomes the dominant way of being. So that's kind of how we change through repetition. So don't be disheartened if you do this. And it doesn't work straight away. It can take months and years and a lot of hard work. But that is, that's ultimately how you kind of get to your desires and your goals rather than keeping yourself back. Amazing. Thank you. So it's around kind of, yeah, just acknowledging, validating, feeling heard, feeling those feelings, then actively challenging

those feelings, I guess, in a way when they, when the opportunities arise and there are decisions to be made there to choose a different way, and that's hard and uncomfortable. But it's through doing that and repeating that, that we then start rewriting that narrative and changing that subconscious driver. Amazing. I think as you were talking, I was thinking, You know, there's that step of feeling those feelings and allowing ourselves to feel perhaps some grief or some hurt or some anger and that might be fueling that subconscious sub-sabotor. But then also in the decision-making of, you know what, I'm going to move today. I'm going to acknowledge those feelings, but at the same time, not be ruled by them.

So tell us a little bit about that in one, one way we're feeling feelings and then at the other in another way we're choosing to challenge them and I guess make a decision despite them well I guess it's like working with them it's like accepting that they're there but not necessarily yeah as you say always being ruled by them a lot of times our feelings will tell us to like avoid the thing that's uncomfortable and if we can challenge that it's like okay I'm uncomfortable right now that's okay. I'm not going to die. It's hard, but I'm surviving it. And the more we do that, the more tolerance for that discomfort increases. So I think it's like just letting them be there

and not being afraid of them, but also not trying to get rid of them, you know? It's like that kind of sweet spot of I can accept this and I can deal with this. It's not my favorite way of feeling right now, but it's here. And actually there's so much cathartis in that. And I think it can feel like such a relief to let it be there and to not. run from it yeah so it's it's validating our feelings whilst not letting them dictate a behavior that we know in the bigger picture of our lives we need to do exactly we want to do ah amazing well you have such a gift annie and i'm so grateful for you sharing those five steps and i encourage everyone to go and grab a copy of your pocket therapist so that you might

Yeah, start encouraging yourself to get some fresh insight and to maybe challenge some of those patterns of behaviour that you know just are not serving you, perhaps are holding you back or limiting you in some way and just giving you that sense of disconnect between what you know is right and good for you and the behaviours that perhaps are just so much easier to fall into that aren't, yeah, that aren't finding you moving towards the spaces that you want to be in. So thank you, Annie. I would love to finish with one little quickfire question. Tell us one thing that you do in life that makes you feel good. Hugging my dog. Oh, yes. Your dog is a very regular feature on your Instagram page.

It's just an immediate source of comfort and joy. I feel like, you know, dogs never reject you. They always love you. They make you feel so dependent on them. loved. So if ever I'm having a moment, just knowing that he's there in a way, he's very consistent. Oh, I just love how he just like jumps up onto your lap. He's very kind of on Instagram. Always saying that. What's, what's your dog's name? Alby. Alby. Oh, I will, I will know that now as I always smile at that moment where it's just, yeah, dogs are so perceptive as well, aren't they? They just kind of know when you need them and they are very faithful in a way that my cat certainly isn't my cat will come as as you down wishes normally with a request

to eat but thank you so much for your wisdom and everything that you just continuously throughout the world just to give us that better sense of understanding ourselves and finding that really really important compassion towards ourselves as we grow in that awareness so thank you very much thank you for having me I've loved talking to you Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website,

anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance. feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.