The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Becca Maberly on why it's ok not to love every minute

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

In this Friday guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to guest Becca Maberly about her One Thing; how it's ok not to love every minute.Becca is an antenatal and postnatal expert and the founder of A Mother Place- famed for Telling it Like it is about pregnancy, birth and what comes after!  She is also the author of Nobody Tells You (over 100 honest stories about pregnancy, birth and parenthood) and more recently The Mother of All Journals - a paper-based space where you’ll find support, encouragement, hacks and humour to help you grab a slice of calm in the chaos!With the help of her obstetrician dad, her online courses will guide you from conception through to birth, feeding, sleeping, going back to work and everything in between, with honesty and humour.She is never afraid to tell it like it is and to shine a light on some of the topics that have traditionally felt taboo in the parenting world. Becca also has a brand new LIVE PROGRAMME! Snacks & Support - find out more here.Take a look at Becca's website here and follow her on Instagram.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I'm really excited to share today's guest. with you, someone that I followed for years and I have benefited hugely from her straight talking, totally doesn't care about the taboo, just go straight into the topics that we all

need to hear about and it's Becker Mabelie. And Becca is an antenatal and postnatal expert and she is the founder of a mother place famed for telling it like it is and she really does. She goes into anger, rage, boredom, all of those real, real elements of the motherhood that we so often like to dance around. But she takes away all the taboo around pregnancy, birth, and all that comes after. She is also the author of No Body Tells You. I've got copy of that on my bookshelf. It is one to give to a friend that is pregnant. It's a great gift. It's all about kind of honest stories about pregnancy, birth and motherhood. And more recently, the mother of all journals. It's a paper-based space where you'll find support, encouragement,

Hacks and humour to help you grow a slice of calm in the chaos. Goodness knows we need wedges of that. With the help of her obstetrician dad, her online courses guide you from conception through to birth, feeding, sleeping, going back to work and everything in between with honesty and humour. She is never afraid to tell it like it is and to shine a light on some of the topics that have traditionally felt taboo in the parenting world. And she also has a new live program. And basically what you do is you sign up a monthly membership and then you get every other week, you get this space with other mums. And it's called snacks and support where you benefit from just being open about motherhood, going away with some insight and tools. So I know full well that that will just be the most supportive and honest space. So yeah, after all of that, Becca, it's lovely to have you here. Have we actually.

met in real life. I'm trying to. No, we haven't actually. And I think there's a few events that we have both been invited to and neither of us have made it at the same time. So one day. But how are you today? Good. Thank you. I just shooed my husband out the door because he was crashing around in the background and yeah, I had a cat that I had to rid. So a husband and the cat have been outed. Both put away, put away for a little bit. So what's your, you do lots of different, you do lots of, there's lots of different elements to your work, all with the same passion and aim to just unleash some of these taboos and make people feel a little bit more seen in it all. What's your favourite thing? So you've got the live program, you've got the book,

you've got the journal coming, and what, what's your, and your Instagram's amazing, a story and the videos that you do. What's your fave? My two favorite things, because I'm really, I'm going I'm going to pick too. Probably are Instagram because I just still love creating content for that platform. And I was thinking the other day, I was sort of when stories started and everyone was a bit too scared to start doing them. I was like straight in there and I loved it and I still do and I love making videos that resonate with people and it gives me such a great feeling when, not when people hit like, but when people sort of respond and comment and just feel seen and when people send me

DM saying, oh my God, I thought it was the only one and isn't this you know, I just feel so great knowing that I'm not alone with this feeling or whatever it is that I've spoken about. And then the other favourite thing is this new live program that you just mentioned where I have

these fortnightly live calls with an amazing group of really supportive women who are all going through very, very similar things. Children of different ages and different geographical locations. different financial circumstances, different relationship statuses, you know, all different kinds of mums. And the one thing that they've all got in common is they're just, they're going through it and supporting one another.

And I love being able to facilitate that. And they've got like a little chat group where they can talk sort of day-to-day, minute to minute, about, you know, something they're going through right now or, you know, this week, this month, whatever. It's an amazing thing to be able to do. Wow. It's such a powerful thing to be able to offer that, isn't it? And just to call out and shine a light on all the stuff that I think we can keep behind closed doors or push down or feel ashamed about. And I think as a therapist, I feel like that gives me confidence to speak out about some

of these taboo elements and emotions in motherhood and experiences of motherhood because I know that I'm not alone. I clinically, I see it. So I have that confidence to be able to speak out about it and having that understanding as to the why as well is really helpful. But what has given you the confidence to talk about these topics that other people might kind of tiptoe around? Is that just how you are?

Yeah, it was just how I am. It's how I've always been. I've always been the person who says the thing that everyone's thinking. And I'm just like, blah. And everyone's like, and then like, you know, me too. you know, things like I did a video years ago, which was like, I don't love being a mum, you know, and three million people saw it or something. And of course you're going to get a bit of hate for saying things like that. But mostly it was just people going, oh my God, I've never, I've never seen or heard this being articulated before. Wow. Like, what a sort of a powerful thing to be able to do. And yeah, so I've always been like that. And I think just with my experience of parenting, you know, I'm 12 years in now, but at the very beginning, I was like flailing around, having an awful time thinking, why is no one, is no one

else having an awful time? And I would sort of say to people like, it's a bit shit, isn't it? And quite often people would just look at me like I had said I wanted to give my children away or something. And there weren't that many people talking about that kind of thing then. And I feel like I was, you know, 12 years ago, I was a bit of a pioneer. I was challenging all these things saying, I can't breastfeed. I've tried really hard and I can't do it. I'm going to give my baby formula. And I got shut down for that.

I got trolled for that. I got, you know, given a hard time for saying things that were true and for saying, this is hard. Like, why is no one talking about it? And I just have never stopped that because I think for those of us, you know, for those women coming behind us, it's so important for me to hear because that's what I was missing and that's what I needed to hear. Yeah, that power of feeling seen in someone else's experiences and given permission to even acknowledge some of those feelings in yourself that perhaps are so shrouded under shame that you haven't even, you know, I think many people haven't even acknowledged some of those feelings that they have, which is why, you know, it can feel a bit shocking for someone you say those things out loud. but maybe that then gives them permission to think, well, maybe there is a bit of me that feels like that.

Maybe there's a lot of me that feels like that, and maybe that's okay. But then in turn, what can I do about it? Yeah, yeah. What can I do about it now once I've acknowledged this in myself? Well, thank you for just feeding truth into social media and giving people permission to talk more openly. And it's people like you who 12 years ago,

those days when you could start sharing these things, on Instagram, you are part of the reason that people are talking more openly now. Definitely. It's like slow culture shift, but it takes people like you to start, yeah, challenging. I think so. I felt brave. I felt brave at the time doing it. And like I mentioned, I did get a bit of backlash from breastfeeding enthusiasts because I once, I wrote a list of what women should buy before their babies were born. One of the things I suggested was a bottle of pre-mixed formula because I knew personally how difficult it was for me to breastfeed.

And I also had, you know, I just knew that if the time came and you were desperate to feed your child and you couldn't for whatever reason, you'd be run over by a truck or a bit of your nipples just fallen off or you're having a mental breakdown or whatever it is, you'd need to be able to feed your child. And I just thought it was a great thing to have. have in the house and I you know the next day I woke up to a flurry of messages from people saying your website should be taken down how day you how dare you recommend this you know your anti breastfeeding and that was really upsetting and now I can shrug that kind of thing off because I know that I'm right

at the time I felt very daring and not bit scared of putting that kind of thing out there but now I'm on a ralph, don't care. Yeah, and those messages that you receive that tell you how freeing it is to hear that. You know, that must be a bit of the fuel to your fire as well to know how many people. Your honesty is, yeah, affirming. So the question that I ask all the guests here is, if you could share one thing with all the moms, what would that one thing be, Becca? That would be that it's okay not to love.

every minute. So love a lot of it. And you can love your children and you can not always love being a mother. It's fine. Those two things can coexist. You can love your children, what to do anything for them, but not love the role. And I think for me, that realization came. I was one of those smug people that had like a real.

really textbook pregnancy, a really textbook birth, and that was all great. My dad's an obstetrician. He prepared me fully for like every eventuality of birth. So I went into that sort of like, you know, full of confidence about that and ready for anything that was going to hit me. And then got home and was like, what, you know, I was furious. No one had prepared me for that. I'd been to antinatal classes. They had showed me a knitted boob and showed me. how to breastfeed and how to swaddle my baby. But no mention of anything else, no mention of the monotony of parenthood,

no mention of how isolated I might feel, how long the days might feel, how discombobulated I felt, how much of my identity I lost, how much I resented my partner, my husband. All these like wild, wild feelings were stirred up. And I was like, like I said, I was, I was going around to people going, God, this is really hard, this is really shit.

And people were just like, oh, you know, it was a really unpalatable thing for them to hear. So, you know, that's the message that I would love to just tell every woman actually before they give birth, when they're pregnant, before they've even conceived, perhaps. Even when they're at school, you know, that it's not like. the stock images that you're brought up seeing a woman dressed in white, gazing lovingly into her baby's arms, you know, while the curtains blowing in the breeze. It's not like that. I don't think I've ever had a single day of parenting that's felt like that. And it can be a big shock for so many women not to be loving it, not to feel maternal, not to feel like the picture

books. And that's okay because, you know, real life, real motherhood is really hard. And I would just love to normalise that feeling, that, you know, that whole concept that it's okay not to love every minute and to, when people say to you, oh, enjoy every moment, it goes so fast, you know, just smile back at them, it's fine. And there are well-meaning people, but those two things are bullshit because you're not going to enjoy every minute and it does not go fast, not when you're at the moment. It might do when you look back in 10 years' time, but it goes very slowly. especially when you're alone, parenting alone, most of the day, like most of us are. Yeah. It's just, I think there'll be many drop shoulders with your words.

I bought a book a while ago. I haven't even read it. But the title, the title is this wasn't what I was expecting. It was about raising neurodivergent. I think it's autistic children. And I just, the title alone just was therapeutic to me. I had to buy it just to have. that in my house, this permission. And I think it is permission. It's choosing to give ourselves permission to feel the extent of, well, yeah, that comes the emotion, that often conflicting emotions that come with motherhood and the unexpected. And where do you think it began that we kind of stuck together the love of our children and the thought that we need to enjoy at all? as if we don't enjoy it or we somehow feel like we're questioning our love for our children.

Like, where did that begin? Because in every other area of our life, we don't expect ourselves to love everything about everything. I've never expected myself to love everything about my husband. Exactly. Or your job. You know, they'll be doing your tax return and you're like, oh, I hate this. No one's going to turn around to you and say, do another job then, Anna.

Quit then. Yeah, shouldn't have done that job. shouldn't have, you know, made yourself self-employed, should you? And, you know, that's what's so difficult is that it has felt like that in the past when you, you know, you have a moan and people are like, oh, shouldn't have become a mum then. You're like, fuck off, I'm allowed to have a moan. I moan, and I feel better. I feel not, it feels normalized if I can connect with other people going through the same thing.

And then I try and make, you know, have a thing. Is there anything I can do to make my situation better? Can I get more support? Can I work on myself? Can I work some more sleep into my day? Can I have a chat with my partner about the things that are not working at home? Can I do any of these things? Can I grow myself confidence? Can I do something to make it better? And, you know, the answer is usually, yes, it's not normally just sitting there moaning about what crap time you're having. It's normally, you know, it could be as simple as going for a walk, even if it's raining or cold, just getting out doing something, connecting with another human being, those small things can quite often make a day a bit better. So have your rant, have your, you know, and that's what my support group is about as well. It's not just people ranting and raving about, oh, this is crap. It's people coming together and giving each other advice and swapping stories and that kind of thing. Yeah. So it's finding that what now part of it or so you're externalising it, you're talking about it,

you're ranting. And I think when we don't allow ourselves to do that and we just shame ourselves for feeling what we're feeling, which is normally a very human response to our circumstances. We're normally just finding stressful stuff stressful and hard stuff hard, really. But yeah, when we just sat there kind of shame ourselves and gilding ourselves, we're not, we're kind of frozen, aren't we? We're not going to think, what do I need? What can I do off the back of this? So yeah. And sometimes it's like when women are struggling, with postnatal depression and, you know, you'll know this, that drugs are not always the answer. Sometimes it's just, you know, saying it out loud, coming together with a group of like-minded

people going through the same thing and talking about it, and that can be the cure. So it's therapeutic, feeling heard, we have an innate need to feel heard and seen. And if we're not allowing ourselves to see ourselves and hear ourselves and speak some of these things out, then it's going to be really hard to allow other people to do that for us as well. So thank you. So it's okay not to love every minute. Allow yourself to rant, find those people to talk to and be affirmed by and find some ways forward if there are any. But before I ask you a quick-fire question, I'd love to hear just a little bit more about your journal. Tell me. Well, I have it here, actually. I do you? Oh my gosh. It's lovely.

It's so nice. It's, as you said, it's a paper-based space to sort of explore those feelings you may be having. And it's full of humor and prompts and, you know, like everything that I do, it's just normalising all this, all the emotions that we're going through. And journaling can be so helpful for those of us who have struggled to articulate, you know, some of the things that we're going through or feel shame in articulating. them and it's quite nice because your journal's so private and you can write stuff in there that perhaps you're never going to tell anybody, you're never going to show anybody. And it encourages

you to think about all kinds of things that you might not thought about before. Like, what would you like to be doing in five years time? What would you like to be doing in 20 years time? If you had a million pounds, you know, what would you do with it? Who would you spend it on? You know, and it's also great for women who don't think they have time to journal or don't think journaling's very them. I never thought it was very me. I always thought journaling was a bit like woo-woo kind of, you know, not that sort of, yeah, like a sort of hippie-ish kind of vibe. But this is a journal for women who think they haven't got time to journal and who, you know, enjoy a bit of humour along the way. That sounds amazing. I need it. I can't wait to get my hands on a copy.

Oh, thank you. I'll send you a copy. Yes, please. I would love that. I'm I've recently started consistently journaling. I think it's been about six months now and I've just loved and really value that space. It just takes a few minutes. It doesn't need to take long, but it's another way to kind of externally to write down and validate those thoughts and feelings.

So I can't wait to see that. Thank you. So to finish off, I'd love to ask you a quick-fire question. What is a motherhood high for you? So we've spoken about some of the challenging feelings, what's a high for you at the moment. Sounds, and I might cry.

It sounds so small, but I went for a run the other day and I came back, my son, I don't know what I'm getting emotional. He said, did you have a nice friend, Mommy? And I just thought, oh, shit, that's so sweet. He cares and he's polite and he's kind. And I've made him like that. That's amazing Yeah

That made me feel really emotional Yeah Sorry, I don't know I'm great Oh it's those men It was amazing Because I thought wow Hopefully he will be a nice friend A nice partner

A nice person Yeah That's amazing Oh those moments where you see All those tears Or that struggle All of those sleepless nights you just get these glimpses that you put a lot in there

yeah he's going to be a nice kind person yeah i mean i didn't doubt it but it's nice to see the evidence yeah that's so beautiful thank you that'll give a lot of hope as well i think to those in the trenches at the moment i've got a near 10 year old and i'm starting to see little glimmers like that and it's really it's really something yeah well thank you so much for all your work all all all that you throw out out there so generously and honestly into the world and just, yeah, freeing people along the way from their own judgment of their own emotion so they can speak more openly to others. So thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy. And if you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing they are all on my website anamatha.com. And also don't forget my brand new book Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.