The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Beth Kitt on how we reflect on and anticipate birth

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit Anna chats to midwife, mum of four and founder of the The Bump to Baby Chapter, Beth Kitt about all things pregnancy and birth.Beth's One Thing alludes to a mum's tendencies to fixate (before and after they've had their baby) on the day of birth itself and Beth encourages listeners to lessen the expectation as well as the reflection of this day and lean in to the whole experience.Beth had her first baby at 19 years, started her midwifery training in 2010, started working as a qualified midwife for the NHS in 2014 and then continued to grow her family. That's over 14 years of either helping women in pregnancy and supporting them giving birth or experiencing it herself.You can follow Beth on Instagram or Tiktok at @thebumptobabychapter and find out about her range of online ante and postnatal courses at https://thebumptobabychapter.co.uk/

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hello everyone and welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. And today I have Beth with me from the Bump to Baby Chapter. And we've just been having a lovely chat because I recognize straight away that she has a hint of accent that I recognize. So we've been having a lovely, a lovely chat.

Beth is a midwife and a hypno birthing specialist. She is a mum to four. She has the midwife-led hypnoburthing online course. And she also has one for afterwards when you've had your baby and it just covers everything. my gosh, I needed this so much. Colic, reflux, kind of physiotherapy, mental health. So what a valuable offering. Beth went to university with an 18-month-old.

And when she was 19, I can't believe it. I was just thinking back to when I was at university and thinking that, wow, I'm not sure an 18-month-old would have liked to come to the nightclubs that I would have come to. I'm sure you probably didn't get as much of that. But you didn't have as much of that. as much as that did you. What a challenge. Wow. And that's when you trained in midwifery and you

went with an 18 month. Yeah. I know. It's crazy. It's crazy looking back, especially because the degree is such a challenging degree anywhere. You get less holidays than other students. You, if you're not doing theory work in university, you're on placement and your placement is a full-time job. So you're, you're, required to do 36.5 hours a week, which is something that when I went into, I knew that as a qualified midwife, I would not do full-time work because of children, but you have to start doing full-time work to get yourself qualified to go on to part-time. So yeah. And then you had another baby whilst you were at university. Yes. So my logic in that was that I didn't want to have massive gaps. I didn't want to have

really big gaps. But as we were talking about earlier, I do feel like I have spread to my children over a decade, which actually, you know, that's still a massive gap, isn't it? So my logic wasn't as well thought out. But hey, you know, no regrets. So your youngest is three and your oldest is

should be 14 in January. You've got, you've got kind of you know, one just out of toddler-ish stage and then one, and then a teenager. A teenager. And she babysits a bit, doesn't she? Yeah, she does. So she doesn't do too much. But if I, if they're in bed and I want to pop to the gym, then she'll just, you know,

keep an eye out if Rob's home late or whatever. That's perfect. I used to, that's how I used to earn my pocket money when I was, when I was 14, babysitting for neighbours. But, oh, wow, what an amazing. she does that now. What an amazing experience, yeah. Oh yeah. She does do babysitter now. So now it means that I have to pay her. She's the only do not see my leaflet. I charge five hours an hour. Oh, this is amazing. Oh dear. That backfires slightly. Yeah. Oh, wow. So what an experience.

And because you, because you had an 18 month old when you started, were you one of the only people on the course that had had a baby? Or was there a range of ages? No, I would say, I would say that at least, this is like an educated guess, but I'd say about 50% of them at least had children, I would say. There were some midwives who've come straight from school and, you know, A levels and then gone straight into their midwifery. But there is such a wide range of people who want to train to be midwife. And we had women who were a lot older as well,

which is great because they've obviously got lots more experience. that they can bring into the midwifery role as well. So, yeah, it was very wide. Yes, so varied ages. Lots of people to ask then. So you weren't just sat there with everyone kind of firing the questions at you, Beth. Yeah, exactly.

You've just been through it. Well, that was such an insight. Thank you so much for sharing that with this. And I always ask her, I guess, how are you? How are you today? Yeah, I am good, yeah. Feeling well today. Thank you, yeah.

Have you got a full house or are they all out and about? Their school and play group. Yeah, brilliant. Every Thursday I have a day just to do work and things. So it's a nice, peaceful household. So Beth, with everything that you know, in all your kind of parenting experience, what is the one thing that you would love to share with the mums? So the thing that I would like to share is, I suppose, more for pregnant women,

but it does apply to those who have had babies as well. I'm sure they'll find this relatable. but how birth is not just about one day. So lots of pregnant women, when they are pregnant and they're hearing about birth, some pregnant women choose to kind of put their head in the sand and go for the mantra that ignorance is bliss when it comes to giving birth. And I would like to challenge that and just say that actually the more you know and the more confident you feel and prepared you feel, knowledge is power

when it comes to giving birth and it puts you in a great stead for like a great birth, I suppose. You know, you're stacking the odds in your favour for a great birth, the more you know, and learning techniques to keep you calm as well. And the whole birth is not just one day thing is because the day you give birth

stays with you forever. So, you know, we've just said about my oldest who's 14 in January, I still remember that day. Not very clearly, it's more like snippets of it, but I remember exactly how I felt. I remember the moments where I felt more panicked. Yeah, I still remember that day

and all of those feelings are still with me now 14 years later. So yeah, I think it's really important. It is so important. It is so important. I think, you know, the brilliant thing about what you do is you put the helpful information out there. because I got lots of information and I am very much an information gatherer.

Like, I love a Google. I love a research. And I think I perhaps got too much knowledge from the wrong places that maybe kind of fed some of my anxiety. So I think, you know, it's so valuable, isn't it, to actually know that knowledge is power but make sure you're going to the right sources for that.

Yeah, definitely. Your resources are brilliant. Google is a dangerous place to be as a pregnant mum. Like you land on Mum's Net or, you know, those forums and it's just a big hole and you just spend hours reading. But it's all other people's opinions and experiences which often can be quite twisted as well and fueled by emotion. And I just find it's a dangerous, dangerous place. Yeah, that's where I'm. often landed in those forums. And I think sometimes when you have questions, you're just looking for

someone who's had the same experience and perhaps it's come out well and your worst fears haven't happened to them. However, if you have a normal, boring, straightforward experience, you're not really going to be going and motivated to go and write on a forum about it, are you? So tell us a little bit then about some of the resources that you have. So if I was pregnant now, which my daughter would flip in love, she's literally begging me for a baby. And I'm like, oh, Yeah, no, no, I'm sorry, the shop is shut now. But for those who are pregnant at the moment and who do feel kind of slightly drawn to the old Dr. Google

and the forum, you know, what do your resources have as a way for them just to, yeah, to feel safe and know that they're informing themselves in a good way? In a good way. So the main thing that I offer is a course called the Birth Chapter, and it's got hypnobirthing. So hypnoburthing is designed to give you techniques to feel calm and like stack the odds in your favour basically for birth to go your way. But I've also matched that with antenatal education.

And that's more like your what happens and your processes. So induction, caesarian, your stages of labour, your different types of pain relief as well. And I think having the two together are a great combination because it's all very well knowing the techniques on, you know, how to keep yourself calm or how to feel relaxed during your contractions and things. But then if something happens that you haven't planned for, like an induction, so say you go over due and you're advising induction and you choose to have that induction, you then kind of don't know the processes and how long it's going to take. and that can instill fear in itself and instill that anxiety. So I've combined the two. Amazing.

And it's all online. They're very short videos. You get access to it forever. So if you're thinking about birth very early on in your pregnancy, it's not going to run out by the time you get to your due date. And then if you choose to have more children, you can access the course still as well. So it's all small videos and checklists and things like that. that sounds amazing. I think there can be so much value in sometimes revisiting those things

afterwards, especially if you have been one of those people that have just been like, no, the kind of ignorance is bliss. I don't really, I don't, I just don't want to know, I just want to take it as it comes. And actually, sometimes you might want to look back and understand kind of almost like retrospectively a bit of what was what was going on for you. And I think that's where kind of birth briefs can be really helpful. But for those moms who are listening who do have children like for me my last birth was you know nearly four years ago and you're so right that day just stays stays with you and i remember all of you know just like you those snapshots of those three different days that i've lived even though one was kind of you know good old eight years ago

so what words do you have for those moms that that really yeah have those moments in memory of of those days that they've had. So the challenge that we have when we speak to people about birth is that we're talking to two very different groups of people, aren't we? We're talking to pregnant women who were like, you know, we want to empower them and we want them to feel that they can stack the odds in your favour or stack the odds in their favour for a wonderful birth and, you know, know the techniques to keep themselves calm. But then equally, it's not always just.

about what you do as a mum and one of the something that I do get into my DMs quite regularly is women who have had their babies and feel like they were wholly responsible if their birth didn't go the way they planned and and that I find that awful that someone could have their baby and feel like if it didn't go well it was because of they didn't prepare enough or they weren't calm enough or they weren't upright and mobile enough. And, you know, birth is a two-way street. We have, there are things that you can do to control it, but there's also a baby inside that, you know,

might have other plans. And there's also policies and hospital guidelines that your doctors and midwives are trying to advise you on as well. So there are lots of different aspects to your birth that need to be considered. So I would want women who have had their births to know that if it's, didn't go the way that they wanted. It's not their fault. It's not because they didn't do enough or they weren't calm enough or, you know, all of those things. I think that's really important as well. I think that's so, it's so therapeutic. It's so powerful to hear that. And I think

there will be lots of people that that really kind of lands with them. And I'm just remembering with my first holding on to this advice that I've been given about when you're kind of early in early labor, just kind of move, make sure you'll just keep moving, just keep moving. So what I did was I took that so literally. And I did laps and laps and laps of our local kind of recreational ground. And, you know, I remember my husband saying, I think you should like stop, maybe rest. And I was like, no, I need to keep going. I need to keep walking.

And that first stage just went on forever. And I think I exhausted myself. But I just didn't, you know, I just didn't really know what to do. I was just holding on, holding on to some advice. And then it's, you know, I remember kind of really being frustrated with myself after. Like, I should have, I should have slowed down. I should have stopped. But, you know, we're just trying to do our best with the knowledge that we have in a situation

that perhaps we'd never been in before. Yeah, absolutely. I feel very similar. With my fourth baby, I was so desperate for her to be born. I was doing the Clary Sage. I had the stretch and sweeps. and every evening I felt like my labour was starting. So I was like, this is it.

I was canceling plans. I was like, sorry, I can't come to see you tomorrow. My baby's coming. And then I'd wake up in the morning and there would be nothing, no contractions, no, no anything. And it was the day. So that happened all week. And it was the Friday that I said to myself, I'm not going to try and get her to be

born today. I'm going to go for a wagamamas. You know, I met a friend. I came home. I put the children's bed. I had a nap. I wasn't bouncing on my birth ball. I wasn't throwing Clariceade all over myself. I just thought, I am done with trying to get this baby to be born. And it was that night. It was that night that I woke up with, no, I didn't wake up with the contractions in the evening. Oh, I woke up

after my nap. I woke up after my nap with these contractions. And even then, I just lay on the sofa. I just thought, I'm not moving. This is not my day to have a baby. But yeah, that was the day she decided to come. And I think sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves, don't we, that, you know, we've got to do all of these things to get the baby out. And actually sometimes our bodies just want to know that we're relaxed and in a safe place. Yeah. And it's, you know, I think it is hard to try and get yourself to be calm sometimes, especially when it is such a new experience or perhaps you've had a stressful experience or a traumatic experience. And then the next time, you know, you're trying extra hard for it to go a certain way and you know there's nothing that makes me

less calm the one my husband tells me to calm down oh my gosh but I remember having that conflict in myself and I've got to be calm but the more I'm telling myself to be calm the hard you know the harder it is and it is it's a time of uncertainty and uncertainty yeah calm is actually that's funny word as well isn't it to use during birth because it's you know you're not you're not always you're not always calm you know so sometimes you're feeling strong and powerful, and that's not necessarily calm, but it's still just as wonderful to feel strong and powerful. You know, that's still a great feeling, isn't it, for birth?

Yeah, Beth, and you know what? I think how hypnoborthing benefited me most of all in my life is the fact that I still use those breathing exercises in the kitchen on a stressed afternoon because it, you know, it's an incredible way to tell your body, that you're safe. Yeah. And yeah, so I'm grateful. Same.

It was the first time that I ever, it was my first glimpse into things like breathing exercises, relaxation sessions, meditation. It's not all about that hypnoberthing, but there is parts of it and learning about your body and how you react to stress. Like those things are, they're life skills, aren't they?

I think they should teach that in school, not just for birth, for life. I completely agree with stuff like that. Yeah, I completely agree with you. So I think the message that we can take home from your words of wisdom today is that if you're moving towards birth, just know that it isn't just about that day, like find ways to inform yourself in, you know, in the right places.

And that's where your brilliant courses come in and just to be, I guess just go gently on yourself because I was thinking as you were talking, you know, would I, expect my son to just go into something that he'd never done before and just be completely calm about it. Yeah. And sometimes we do place that pressure on ourselves, don't we? So knowing what's going on can just be really empowering. And then I think the second thing that I've got from what you said is just as we reflect back, you know, really just take a moment to look, what blame perhaps are you placing on yourself that you don't need to be carrying, that it's not actually about fault how can you kind of get some compassion or maybe just speak to someone to

untangle that a little bit yeah absolutely yeah thank you so much so to finish off beth i have some quick five questions for you okay yeah you're both brave and you're like no i don't need to know them you just throw them at me later so what's a motherhood high for you oh gosh um just on like a daily basis, this probably sounds so basic, but picking my children up from school. I love picking up my children from school. And that is something that's very important to me. And I always feel sad if I can't, so because of working, but picking them up and seeing their little faces come back when I haven't seen them all day. Like, I love that. It's the best, isn't it? I absolutely love that moment, but then often a few minutes in in the car, I'm like, oh my gosh.

I should have taken an extra breath before I did this. Yeah, throw a snack at them. Like, have a snack. Have a snack. I know, literally kind of throwing at them before we even talk. Yeah. And what's a motherhood low for you? So dealing with when your children are sad and wanting to take their pain away.

So obviously I've got the children. children who are a bit older, and it obviously applies to all ages, but when your children have to navigate something in high school, or even just separation anxiety going into nursery or something, and you just want to just take that pain away from them, but you can't because they need to learn and learn how to navigate these situations themselves, but that is a low for me because you just feel so guilty and mixed in your head after. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you on that one as well and what's one thing that makes you feel good?

I love going to the gym. I do a crossfit with my friends. I don't think it's actually the gym that I love. I think it's going out with my friends but it's because I'm going to the gym I can do it regularly. It's not like we're just going for drinks in the pub regularly.

I'm like, no, I have to go. It's my gym. It's my workout time. but actually we do weights and natter the whole time. And jump around on and off boxes and things like that. Yeah. I haven't tried it. It looks amazing.

I bet it is such an outlet and such an input as well. And finally, how would you describe motherhood in three words? Oh, that's really tricky. I would say it's magical. overwhelming and a roller coaster yeah those are like a magical overwhelming roller coaster

it's a magical overwhelming roller coaster that's what it is I wonder how many buy tickets to that at open towers yeah but you know you've got to have to have the extreme highs you've got to take the extreme lows that come with it don't you so yeah I'm with you on that one

well I'm glad I've got a seat on it yeah I'm glad I got a seat on it Well, Beth, thank you so much. And where's best for people to find you? So Instagram at the Bumpter Baby chapter and our new venture is TikTok. Oh, you've ventured. I've ventured. I've taken plunge and that's the same at the Rumpter Baby chapter. Amazing. And then all your courses and all your resources are linked from those things for us. So thank you. Thank you so much for your time and your compassionate, wise words today, Beth. Thanks for having me, Anna.

It's been so much fun. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mum's, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't

need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon. Thank you.