The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Carly Claydon-Davies on how hitting rock bottom can become a gift

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to friend and owner of Mill Road, Carly Claydon-Davies about her One Thing; how hitting rock bottom can become a gift.Carly Claydon-Davies is the founder of Mill Road - an award-winning production company that produces films that drive change, create conversation and shift mindsets.Mill Road have produced viral videos for Mother Pukka’s Flex Appeal campaign and won the 2023 Charity Film Awards for ‘Birth in Lockdown’, a film for Pregnant Then Screwed.Carly is a mum of two and worked for over a decade in the film industry before founding Mill Road after a series of unexpected events turned her life upside down.You can follow Carly on Instagram too. 

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have with me today, Carly, Claydon Davis. Now, I feel like I'm chatting with a friend because I think we are friends, aren't we really now, Carly. Absolutely. It's not like one of those

things when you start dating and you, you know, you make it official. But when you meet at work stuff, you just, when does that, when does that happen? We've just had some lovely chats, haven't we? And we've met up. We've met up at David Lloyd very recently, which is really lovely. And you know when you just feel like you could chat forever. So Carly is one of those people. She is also the founder of Mill Road, which is an award-winning production company that produces films that drive change,

create conversation and shift mindsets. Most beautiful, powerful films that Carly creates. Mill Road have produced viral videos for Motherpuckers Flex Appeal campaign and won the 2023 charity film awards for birth in lockdown. A film for pregnant, then screwed. Carly is a mum of two, and she has worked for over a decade in the film industry before founding Mill Road after a series of unexpected events turned her life upside down.

It's often that, though, isn't it? It's often these messy, painful times. It really is. It really is, yeah. They teach us so much, and, you know, I think they definitely set our life on a different kind of direction. Yeah, so I'm looking forward to hearing a little bit more about that. but what's what's one of the best your favorite things that you've been working on recently because you do all sorts and we will ever even if we didn't know it was mill road that produced

some of the things that we have seen you you have produced things that many of us have watched in support of pregnant then screwed for example and also some of mother packers campaigning things so we will have winters your work but what's one of your favorite things you've worked on um i think yeah there's so many it's really really hard to choose I think when I started Mill Road back in 2018, having worked in the film industry for a long time, I really wanted to kind of take everything I'd learn about narrative structure and cinematography,

all those things that ensure you just do not forget a film or a trailer and apply those things to stories, human stories, that really need a voice. So yes, for Anna Whitehouse's Flex Appeal, that was one of the first kind of wider-ranging, kind of high-profile pieces we did. and it just went crazy on LinkedIn. It was a message that really kind of needed to be told.

And more recently, we've done a documentary for the Early Education and Child Care Coalition on the crisis within the childcare sector. And yeah, the reception for that film, it was screened in Westminster in front of MPs and philanthropists. And, you know, with each project we take on, I'm so proud of the change that is kind of,

we contribute to through making these films. Yeah. Yeah. That one was so, it's just so powerful and so emotive. And I can imagine it just really tapping into that really, yeah, that really human part of what is often a place of like logistics and numbers and just, yeah, that's, I guess, what you do, isn't it? I think, yeah, there's so much content out there, you know, there's so much video. And it is a kind of world of noise and flash and bang and try.

trying to get people's attention because our attention spans are narrowing. You know, we are watching shorter and shorter videos all the time. So, you know, the films we make are very, very thoroughly thought out in terms of how we can reach a specific audience, how we can make them think, you know, how we can really stop them in their tracks and get and land a message with impact. Yeah. Amazing. Well, you do that so powerfully.

So I'm excited to see what's next for you. So, Carly, the question that we ask all I guess here is if you could share one thing with everyone, what would that one message be, or that one plea or that one tip? Okay, so I think my one thing would be that if you are currently going through a really tough time or if life has thrown you a curveball or two or three, that actually hitting rock bottom can be one of the best things that happens to you. It can really mean that something amazing comes out of it and you don't always see that whilst you're in these kind of times obviously it depends what's happening to you but in my experience um you know sheer adversity

can really really make you appreciate life like you've never done before that's a powerful message isn't it uh keep going uh hold on in there uh something amazing will come out of this even though it feels impossible to make it through and i definitely found that to be true in my life as well. But tell us a little bit, because in the bio that I spoke out, we talked about how there was some unexpected events in your life that turned things upside down. Yes. So I was diagnosed with Graves disease in 2013, and Graves disease is an autoimmune condition that affects your thyroid gland. Now, I had very little knowledge of what the thyroid does before I had this condition. And it's actually a really important part of your body. It

interacts with most of the kind of internal bodily functions that we have going on. So it regulates your blood pressure, your heart rates, your body temperature. It plays a part in muscle function, in kind of brain function. It's very, very kind of, it has so much to do with our everyday live. So when you have Graves disease, your immune system is attacking your thyroid and causing it to produce too much thyroid hormone. So it is essentially sending your body into overdrive. So my symptoms were a very fast resting heart rate of 140 beats per minute. I just had a cycle and that was what my heart rate was, probably on average, on an exercise bike. Exactly. That's fine if you're exercising, but not if you're sat still.

trembling hands. My period stopped. I was very hot all the time. And even though I was exhausted, I just couldn't get to sleep at night. So insomnia is another problem for people who have graves. And I guess what followed that diagnosis was like a kind of very swift tumble into, you know, the darkest place mentally I've ever been. So a series of events happened following that. I had a relationship breakdown. I ended up getting divorced, very soon after getting married. I obviously had to sell the house that we just bought. I was having problems at work with a boss who was harassing me. I ended up raising a grievance and ended up losing my job. So there was all this stuff happening kind of off the back of that diagnosis,

not necessarily because of it, but it's kind of important to say that it was all overlapping, which kind of explains the kind of depth of the low that I got to. And obviously when this much stuff's going wrong in your life, you know, you're thinking, okay, I'm the problem here. Like, you know, something's wrong with me. What, what on a, how is this all happening at the same time? And then other people's reactions to that can kind of back up your feelings of shame because, you know, these things, divorce, job loss,

they are things with shame attached to them. Yeah, they're like kind of reject, you know, take them, forms of rejection, can't we, even though they might have very little fault? Exactly. So, you know, you do feel this, what's wrong with me? Why is this all happening? And, you know, it sends you to a really, really dark place. I was, I was really struggling financially, socially, like mentally. It was a really, really dark place. And, and, you know, I'm somebody that's very, very painfully aware of other people going through much worse stuff than this and all the horrors that are happening in the world. But this thing that happened to me was so kind of

soul-wrenching and just changed my life completely that, you know, it really did change how I am today. I'm a completely different person following that series of events. So what does, I mean, there must have been times where you thought I literally can't do this. What else? What else can happen? What else in my life? You know, the things that feel so foundational that we don't even think about them when they're going well, you know, it might be your job, your health, your relationship. They just kind of are these constant things when they're all moving and in a state of flux and they're not as you know them to be. Well, they're kind of crumbling, aren't there? I never remember you'll have to remind me that hierarchy

of needs that you have just to exist as a human. You know, those foundational levels were crumbling. I didn't have a home anymore. You know, I was staying in friends' houses. I was, you know, it was the job loss, bizarrely, I think because it was the last thing to happen that was the real kind of undoing of me mentally because I'd kind of managed to stay afloat through all the other stuff.

And my job was still the constant that I had. And when that went, yeah, it wasn't a nice time at all. And this is all sounding very doom and gloom, but it's, you know, it's just to kind of explain how low I got. But ultimately, you know, coming through something like that and such a kind of range of things going wrong has made me appreciate life so much more. And so I have friends who are struggling at the moment or they might be going through divorces or things are happening in their life that they didn't expect to happen.

And I just say to them, I promise you, amazing things are coming out of this. I can't tell you what it is, but there is something that you are going to look back on this time. I think I wouldn't have that if that hadn't happened, you know. Yeah. So do you, how do you feel about the whole, the term, you know, everything happens to a reason? Because that's often one that gets banded around, isn't it? As if these things are happening on purpose for a reason. So I just wondered where, where in light of this, you sit with those words?

It's a hard one, isn't it? Because I think for depending on what people are going through, it's a very hard thing to accept that these things happen for a reason because it does have this connotation of, well, then there was some fault. There was something you did to trigger them. In my case, I think, I don't know if it happened for a reason, but I think it all needed to happen.

I think I was living on a very different kind of level of consciousness, if that doesn't sound too, like, I wasn't appreciating the things I had in life. It's really difficult to describe, but I definitely didn't have the gratitude that I have today. I didn't value the things that I value today. And, you know, part of existing in this heightened state of anxiety with graves is not being able to kind of calm yourself down to be reflective enough

to kind of look at your surroundings and your relationship and really see it for what it is. I was just kind of going at 100 miles an hour. So it was a deeply unhappy relationship that I had allowed to kind of lead to a wedding day without really going, we are not a couple here. We're deeply unhappy. You know, we're arguing constantly.

So I think that everything that happened needed to happen, for sure. I love that. Thank you. So, yeah, it sounds like your body was just in survival mode. I mean, as you speak about the symptoms, I'm thinking that's what it feels like when you've had too much coffee and you just can't be present and you don't feel well

and your heart weight's going and to feel like that consistently. Yeah, I mean, how can you make see things clearly and make kind of grounded decisions when your body's running at 100 miles an hour? You can't, but you know, it's hard to explain all that to people.

You know, there's so much that goes on, isn't there behind, you know, underneath everything? And one thing it really taught me is that we can think in such a binary way as people. There was, there was a lack of understanding and compassion because I think people like things simplified. So it's, you know, perpetrator, victim, good, bad. And actually, there is so much more to things that happen than that, which is partly what kind of drove me to set up a production company that primarily makes films that kind of challenge that prejudice and bias and really make people stop

and think before they judge. Think about the wider picture and the nuances of things. So a really challenging time and not as if everything happens for reason. I'm totally with you on that because I think, you know, looking back at some of my losses and traumas over the life, over my life, I don't think any of those were meant to happen in an ideal, you know, losing my sister, for example. I think that some of these things are tragedies.

But I do think, as you're saying here, that if we can be open to it, the most incredible awarenesses, appreciations. Like my mum, she ended up working in a children's hospice then for years and years. Being that lighthouse for grieving parents, as you are saying, you know, being able to say those words to someone that is in the thick of divorce and relationship breakdown, you can stand there and you can say, I know it's excruciating. I know it feels that there is no hope, but I promise you this. you know there is a there is there is there is light at the end of the tunnels amazing things

will come out of it and and that is a gift that you would not be able to give someone had you not walked that path yeah I think it's it's what I hoped somebody you know it's what I needed um and didn't have when I was going through it I needed somebody to say you know this this isn't necessarily your fault you know sometimes life does give you this big whack round the face. It can happen. And it's, you know, as I think you and I've talked about, you know, we're so attached to this version of our life that we think is going to happen. And when it doesn't turn out like that, and in my case, when like several things just, you know, come back at me and knock me over, it's really, really hard to pick yourself up and

be like, okay, well, that wasn't my fault or that's just what happened. So yeah, to be able to say to somebody in the depths of despair, you are going to be okay and not just okay, you may well come out of this better than you've ever been before, like, hold on. It's not, it's not the end of the world. And I hate that phrase because, you know, it's used to kind of flippantly. Yeah, I think it feels right. It's hope, isn't it? Yeah. I see what you mean. So for someone who is in the thick of it at the moment, what tips do you have to enable them to kind of keep hold of this potential for wonderful things to come out of it even though it just feels hard daily like a real slog what helped you keep going not that you had a choice i think my advice would be

which is something i didn't do at the start is find your trustworthy people and talk to them because you know i hadn't talked about how i was feeling for a long time and whether that was the graves, you know, part of, as I said, existing on this high state, heightened state of anxiety is, you know, you're lying to yourself. You're not, you're not in a state where you can kind of go, okay, how am I feeling? Like, what's going on with me? Why am I behaving like this? You're not able to do that. So I've been lying to myself about being in a happy relationship and presenting this happy relationship. So nobody else knew that I wasn't happy because I hadn't said it. So nobody saw, you know, what happened coming. And, and

So, yeah, I would say start talking and start talking to people who are going to genuinely listen to you. They are hard to find, but they're there. And they're not always in the form you think now, but talking about how you're feeling, it sounds so obvious. But I think when you're trying to survive something, you don't necessarily do that. You just clam up and you freeze. So just starting to kind of let it out, however shameful, or narrow. whatever, you know, whatever you think is, you know, somebody's going to take from it. Just talk.

Yeah. And you figure it, you figure it out eventually. Because in all honesty, people were like, why on earth you're getting divorced, you know, so soon after getting married? And I was like, I actually don't know. I was going through it myself. I was like, I just don't know. I just know this is wrong. I'm starting now that I'm on this medication and I'm starting to calm down to understand things.

So, so you want people to kind of come on that with you. you and not judge you and just be there to support you. So, yeah, it's been such a kind of revelation for me going through that. There's so many positives that have come from it. You know, you're so, you see with such clarity, like I really do now. I'm very clear on who I am and you learn a lot about your strength and resilience and you're brutally confronted with like who your friends are and what a friend is. So that's a huge gift.

You know, I've met some of my best friends since going through this. because you're, I guess your, yeah, your awareness of what that connection can be like is completely different when you're starting to be more honest with yourself and what your needs are and express those to people because it can feel risky, can't it? And I think that's often we build these barriers around ourselves because it makes us feel safer when in truth, it just, it makes us feel alone. And how can people help us? How can people meet needs when we don't even know what they are? So yeah, I guess this is an encouragement really, isn't it? That if you are in the thick of it, amazing things can come out of it. But you're more likely to feel that hope and that support along the way

and to feel a little bit held as you walk through that fire. If you can take those risks of being honest and vulnerable and not everyone will get it and not everyone will be that person, you might have to try a little harder to find those people but those stories those yeah that support is there yeah and amazing things amazing things can jump absolutely and I think if you're a friend to somebody that is going through a hard time it is just it is it is offering encouragement and and not judgment and questions all the time I think it's just you know acknowledge that this person is just trying to stay afloat so say sometimes kind of the purpose of a friendship in those times

has to shift and be, you're going to be okay. You know, I remember someone saying to me, it was very simple, you're going to be okay. And nobody had said that to me. And it was like, I broke down because I was so emotional that it was such a simple phrase, but you're going to be okay with such conviction. Gave me something to cling on to. So for friends, I think it's important.

Yeah, I think sometimes we pressure ourselves, don't we, to do all the right things and say all the right things? And find something that will be tangibly helpful when actually, it's just that encouragement that it's going to be okay yeah don't know what it's going to look like what's going to feel like but you will come through this so thank you and just want to direct people onto my website i've got a whole kind of page of helpful contacts as well but go and find carly and her incredible incredible work and feel moved by her filming feel moved by the yeah just the content that she puts out there that really reaches into a place inside of ourselves

that challenges and changes and starts conversation. So to finish off, Cuddy, I would love to ask you a quick-fire question. This is always my favourite one that I go to, actually, out of my little list. What is something that makes you feel good beyond your work? Something that makes me feel good. My family, my two children, I didn't think I would have this. I really didn't. With everything falling apart, yeah, sounds really cheesy.

and believe me, there are obviously days when they're disastrous times and where everyone's crying, but I am so grateful for them and just, yeah, all the funny things they do and my husband. So, yeah, you know, I have a family unit that I didn't think I'd have, so that makes me feel good. Yeah, it just helps you to have into that gratitude and that privilege. Well, thank you so much for your honest words and your insight also to grave disease, which I didn't really know much about. So that could be really helpful for some people, both feels like. seen, but also to know perhaps a little bit more of what someone they know and love might be going through it. And those your helpful words of just the affirming the simple. Like if you've got

a friend going through a rough time, just be there and yeah, just encourage them and give them hope and know that you don't have to overcomplicate it. And if you're going through that time in the thick of it, there is hope you will be okay, lean into people. And amazing things can come from it. So thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website,

anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good. and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.