The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Cat Sims on investing in your relationship

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

On this episode of The Therapy Edit's 'One thing', Anna Mathur chats to Cat Sims. Cat's one thing she'd like to impart to other parents is that it’s common that when we have babies, our attention shifts entirely to them and our relationships suffer. Refocus on your relationship as the bedrock to your familyWe have marked this episode explicit due to topics discussed or language used.To find out more about Cat:Visit her website at https://www.notsosmugnow.comFollow her on Instagram @notsosmugnow

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with moms everywhere. So join with me for the next 15 minutes as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. So welcome to today's episode of One Thing. Now I'm about to speak to the wonderful Not So Smug Now, Cat Sims. And I have been following her on Instagram. She's also on TikTok with the most brilliant, humorous.

I mean, they're funny because they're funny, but they're also funny because you just kind of reach into the core of the nuances of motherhood patients and you just get it so much. You've also got a blog called Not So Smug Now. And you described that as a way of processing motherhood because you found that transition from me to parenting really challenging in a way that so many of us will be able to relate to. And it can be hard to admit that, but you're just so good at talking about those kind of taboo feelings as well in a way that just break down the shame. And I love

how you do that with humour. And you have a newsletter, which is twice a week. It's called Writing for Women. And funnily enough, I got my very first one this morning. And it was brilliant. I read it in bed, and it was all about manipulation, this one, and getting us to reflect on how we manipulate, because I think often we think, you know, we can become quite aware of where we've been manipulated, but what about where we show these traits as well? And I definitely find myself slipping into that when I feel that shame and I want to defend myself at all costs when I feel attacked. So it really got me thinking. So welcome, Kat. How are you? Well, thanks so much for having me. I always, being a podcast is one of my favorite things to do, but I have loved everything that you do on social media and with the podcasts and everything like that. So I am really excited to be here. In terms of how I am, I mean, I feel like Ross in friends where he goes, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Squeak and squeaky. The squeakier, the more fast. I'm fine. I mean, listen, I am fine. We've got, I've got a kid that's home for 10 days with COVID.

my husband had it, my daughter had it, they've all back to backed it. Rather than sort of selflessly have it all at the same time, they've decided to do it all back to back. So just really string it out there, really string it out. Yeah, I think we're on our sixth week of COVID vibes. So, you know, it's just me now. I'm the only one left to catch it this time around.

Are you the sitting duck or are you the fighter? That is the question. Well, to be honest, I'm sort of hoping. And I know that this is awful. But part of me is like, if I'm going to get it, I'd rather get it right now. so that at least I'm done for Christmas. So there have been a few like smoo-chie kisses with my daughter at the moment, but so far, so far it's not happening.

I know, but obviously. Oh, cricky. I know. But we'll see. Otherwise, I know I'll just be left on my own for Christmas. I know that it'll happen then. Well, let's hope not crossing everything. So Kat is great to have you.

And we always ask our guests, what is the one thing that you would love to impart in all the mums? What is the one thing that you want in there? ears for the next few minutes. It's so funny. I, you know, normally would go with the lower expectations, but I think, I think, you know, we've all said that and I think people get that now, but I think the one thing that we're still not really talking about is the effect that having a baby has in your relationship and especially doing it for the first time, but actually any time you introduce another human being into your, into the dynamic is, is difficult. But that first baby, you are so unprepared for in every way.

that it's weird that we don't talk about how it's going to affect our relationship. We talk about how it's going to affect our pelvic floor, how it's going to affect our finances. We talk about how it's going to affect our individual mental health. More and more we talk about that. But we don't talk about how it affects our relationship. And actually, I think so many relationships crumble because both partners feel unheard, unsupported, resentful, because there's never been a space where people say, and how's your relationship? Nobody ever says to you before you have a baby, keep an eye on your relationship.

Prioritise that stuff. So true. And so we don't talk about it. And people just assume that this is what a relationship is after you have kids and, you know, the sex goes. I mean, I don't care how into each other you are. There is a period of time after having children where there is. is no sex. And that's, and that's just, and that's just the nature of a relationship.

You know, if you're supposed to be together forever, of course, certain things, are you going to have good times, bad times, sexy times, dry times, or the rest of it. And so I think what I want to be able to say is learn to learn to kind of re-evaluate what a good relationship looks like, because it isn't what we've been told. It isn't, you know, that they can just read your mind because they love you so much that they know what you're thinking at any time of the day. Telepathy has never been a reliable form of communication. We try though, don't we? We do try. We create stories all the time and the gaps of what isn't being said of this is what is thinking, this is what is feeling all the time. That's Brené Brown does a wonderful thing about

that. But we do. We make up these stories, you know, and it's really, really unhealthy. And so that isn't, you know, just knowing what, nobody knows what you're thinking. You know, you have to tell them. But also, a good relationship isn't about love and romance. And I know that sounds really, it's not about that romantic love. That's great if it's there and that's, and it, you know, that tends to come. But you have to have that teamwork love there. You have to have that absolute 100% trust. You are my person. I can say anything and I can do anything. And even if I'm my most horrible self, I know that you've got my back relationship. And that is. is, and that is from where, like, romantic love comes from and all of that stuff. But we're not taught that, you know, we're not taught the boring side of relationships. We're not taught the, you know, talk to each other about the plate on top of the dishwasher, talk to each other about the fact that you don't want to get up again that night because you've done it every other night, you know, and don't do it in like, you never do anything.

But, you know, use those, I feel like, I feel unsupported or I feel exhausted. and I feel like I need more help. It's taking the accusatory tone out of it. Yeah, that's so helpful. You know, for us, it was really, really damaging. And about three years ago last January, this January, actually, about three years ago, I remember coming in, I'm completely blindsiding Jimmy and sitting him down the couch and going,

look, it's like it's time. I feel like we've been unhappy for long enough and it's time to separate. And I'd got a flat, all sorted, ready for us to birds nest in and out of. You know, I had this whole plan. and he was like obviously blindsided but also I think for the first time felt that there really was a problem he'd been very head in the sand and so we agreed to go back to therapy for one more time and I think that was that was definitely a game changer for us and I think for the first time I stopped cheating at therapy in that relationship because I

Jimmy is very good at taking all the blame because he's quite codependent and, you know, he's very aware of it. We're doing a lot of work on it. But, you know, he's very happy to take all the blame. And so I just used to let him. And then obviously, when we went back to therapy, I really did take it seriously and started to work on my own stuff.

And that absolutely was a game changer for us because it really introduced us to that idea of what a real relationship actually is. But we've discovered in therapy, that it was that first year of having a kid. That was what was just sitting there. You know, I had really bad postnatal depression. It was undiagnosed for a year,

so I was just really struggling with no kind of, I just thought I was really rubbish at being a mum and this was really, really hard. Jimmy was home for a month, but he was a musician, so he was home for the first month, and then he went off for seven or eight months on tour. I didn't have anywhere near my family.

I didn't have any close friends nearby. I used to walk around the park for hours a day. hours. I was the skinniest I'd ever been a month after having a billy because I literally would walk 10, 15 kilometers a day. It was all I did. And he'd go away and he'd really worry about me. And I think he resented the fact that I couldn't just mother like normal mothers. You know, of course, there is no such thing and everybody's finding it difficult, but we didn't know that at the time. I felt guilty. Then he'd come home and he'd just take the baby and I wouldn't really see them, which I know he was trying to help, but it just made me feel really isolated

and really alone and a bit of a failure. And then I'd get PTSD. I'd like get really anxious when he was leaving. It was just a horrendous, horrendous time. We didn't talk about any of this until, you know, five years later in therapy. So you must have felt, you must have both felt really alone in how you were feeling and how you were processing what was going on. And that's a really exhausting and really difficult place to be in day out, day and day out when you are living in the same space with the man that's supposed to be your partner, but you feel more alone than you ever have. And the same for him too or her, who have, whichever way around it goes. You know, it's, it's a really, really difficult thing, but we're not encouraged to talk

about it. We're encouraged to get on with things. We're encouraged to accept that a relationship isn't all, you know, candy floss and rainbows. And it isn't, but it also isn't supposed to be impacting the problem. It isn't supposed to be making you feel worse. And if you've had a baby and you're a new parent and you feel like your relationship is struggling, it doesn't mean that you're wrong for each other necessarily. You know, it could just mean that you've just not been given the right help and support. You're not prioritizing your relationship.

and we're made to feel that that's selfish, that we should be prioritising the kids all the time. And I think that's a really damaging narrative across every element of parenting, actually. I don't think the kids need prioritising all of the time at all. I think our natural instinct is, of course, to do the best thing for the children. And to do that at your expense or at your partner's expense is hands down the worst thing you can do. You know, the kids are fine. And as long as they see you being secure and fine and have to be. and supported, they'll be fine. It doesn't matter if they're at nursery eight hours a day.

It doesn't matter if they're at nursery eight hours a day. People can say, well, you're such a terrible mother. No, but actually, we've got a really happy home life. Our relationship is really strong. They feel super secure in nursery because they know that everything's brilliant at home. They feel safe. That's really your only job as a parent is to make your kids feel safe, emotionally and physically, make them feel safe. And not only do you need to do that to have, to work in your relationship and prioritize it to do that, you also need to do that to show them what a good, healthy relationship is because I'm really passionate about breaking this cycle of this myth of a good marriage or a good relationship. And I think it starts by showing our kids

that it's about being partners and a team. Brilliant. That is so, and I think what really struck me as when you were saying about in therapy how you'd been doing the blaming thing and he'd just been absorbing that and actually when it really turned around for you it was it was that vulnerability it was your willingness to be honest really about the feelings and the resentment and how the the plate on the dishwasher impacted you and that that is what gave you that safe space with each other and as a result the kids benefit from you are then their harbour. You are then their anchor. Well, and you know, that has always been my downfall is my inability to be vulnerable, my real discomfort with that. And I think it comes from

going to boarding school at 11 and all sorts of weird, you know, that is just not, anyway, that's a different. But you're doing it and it's out of your comfort zone and they're you're benefiting and they're, yeah, thank you. It's about turning that spotlight, isn't it? from the kids onto us and knowing that that in itself is an act of amazing parenting in focusing on your relationship. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you. Big stuff, big important stuff, definitely, but just starts with those conversations and that honesty. So, can we always finish off asking some quick fire questions. So just say the first thing that comes into your mind when I ask you, what is a motherhood high for you. I mean, nursery was great. But actually, when I nailed, when I did a second birth a different way, my own way, and it like healed me. And I thought that, because my first birth was so traumatic. I was very type A. This is how it's going to go. My birth plan was four

pages, double-sided, color-coded and laminated. So that's where I started. And then the second one, I just hypnibirthed and didn't say a word and just got in the water and had my headphones in. And birthed like a fucking rock star. So I, that, that is my motherhood high. Really healed me. Redemptive. Yeah. And a motherhood low for challenge. Oh, so many. I mean, post-natal depression wasn't great. You know, forgetting that we didn't have any nappies and I was on my own, I helped to take my kid to Stainsbury's in a tea towel. And yeah, of course she did a massive of course. Of course she did. While we were in Stainsbury. You know, I mean, I could go on and on. Yeah. Oh, you'll have those moments, don't we? And one thing that makes you feel good.

Exercise, walking. I absolutely adore walking. It's become my, my saviour really. Just a true crime podcast and five kilometres. I am good for anything. I am. That is one gift of the lockdown actually for me. Was that walking is so therapeutic. So how would you, described motherhood in three words to finish off. Really fucking hard. I mean, I know I'm not here to be doom and gloom, but I also feel like we need to own it and go, it is hard. And nailing it is not perfecting it. That's not going to happen. You know, it's just getting through, it's getting through the days and doing your very best and not beating yourself up if you can't do your best on certain days. And it's okay to say it's hard. It doesn't mean you don't love your

children, it doesn't mean you don't love yourself. Hard doesn't necessarily mean bad. I think we've tied those two words together. If we say something's hard, it's almost like, well, that's bad. But then we also say the really worthwhile things are doing are the hard things, but we're not prepared to apply that to parenting. And it's like, these mixed messages are too much. It's hard, it's worthwhile, be proud of every bloody day that you do as a parent because it's a win. Oh, my gosh. I feel empowered. Oh, thank you. Yes. Hard doesn't necessarily mean bad. Be proud of yourself. Notice the winds. Pack yourself on the back. I think that might be my next newsletter. Yes. Oh, gosh. I look forward to that one. I'm looking forward to it. Well, thank you so much for your time, Kat. We actually recorded this twice because it all went a bit wonky the first time with the signal. So you're very gracious for doing it again. But thank you so much, Anna. Bye.

Bye. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Welf. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you.

Speak soon.