The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Claire Russell on feeling unseen in motherhood.

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

In this Friday guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats for a second time to Claire Russell who this times shares how she's pivoted her life to try and rediscover the version of herself that she felt had become lots in motherhood. Claire, early years specialist and Mum of 3 boys previously known as the 'play lady', is now helping Mums with more than just play.After having her third baby Raffy in 2022, Claire was struck with the uncomfortable feeling of being lost. I didn't recognise myself.In Claire's words 'It didn't look like me, I didn't feel like me and I wasn't doing all of the things I used to enjoy. I missed the 'old me'. At the time I didn't realise it but I was suffering from 'lost identity'. I felt like I was the only person feeling this way. Something had to change, it was my turn to step off the sidelines and into the spotlight! And it all started with getting to know myself again, love myself again and look after myself again. Since then I have grown physically and mentally stronger, pivoted my online business and set big goals to achieve my desired life. And now I'm enjoying helping other women to do the same and start their new chapter, whatever that might look like!'You can find out all about what Claire is now up to here. Of course you can also follow her on Instagram too.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have a returning guest on today. There's only a few guests that have come back on,

but I spoke to Claire Russell ages ago. And I think we were talking about her book, which was called Play Hooray. And Claire was a really prominent feature on my feed during the lockdowns. She was so passionate about, well, she's an early year specialist, and she's got three boys now. She got her hands full, but she was really passionate about equipping as parents with the tools to play

with our children. And she had this mission. And I remember just feeling so encouraged by her words that our kids don't need a house full of expensive toys. But she just gave us lots of creative ways to use what we have. And she's got activity cards and play prompts. And her book, the play, hooray, handbook. However, in more recent times, Claire has just really started sharing more about motherhood, more about how us moms can not just play with our kids in a way that gives us somehow a bit of a break at the same time, but how we can become less stuck and more stronger. So all around identity, she's got courses on things like how to feel good, how to go from stuck to strong, which I think so many of us relate to that feeling of who am I, where

am I in the monotony of it all, and that feeling like we might have lost ourselves a little bit. She's got stuff and courses on manifesting, and she's also got the mum-mates podcast. So I'm really excited, Claire, to welcome you back to the therapy edit and talk to you in the context of what you're sharing now on social media. But how are you? First and foremost, I've chatted at you for the last two minutes. That's a very lovely introduction. Thank you very much. And oh my goodness, how much life has changed since I last week. I now have three boys. And wow, yes, life really has changed completely.

But no, I'm good, thank you. I am really good. Yeah, you've got your hands full. Yes. You're a busy bee. Lots of different projects. Lots of different resources out there. You've got three boys.

But tell us, I'd love to hear more about that kind of transition beyond sharing all about play, which is amazing. And before we click record, we were saying when we pivot in our businesses or we start sharing slightly different things, the most amazing thing is that you have left a legacy for those mums with young kids of your book and your resources and your play prompts. But now your focus has shifted a little bit. So tell us about that.

I think so. And I think perhaps at the beginning it sounds like it's a huge contrast and it's completely different. but actually it's not. It was, I was known as the Play Lady and in lockdown I was live every day doing these activities and what I absolutely adore is people still message me and say, oh my goodness, I remember tuning in for your lives. I used to go live every weekday, Anna.

When I think about that now, that is just exhausting. I don't know how I did it. And I was heavily pregnant as well. It was crazy. I think it was that keenness, wasn't it, to do something for people using the skills that you, that you had, that desire to just, yeah, use those skills to hopefully help make things a little bit smoother, a little bit easier. Yeah.

And that's what you did. Well, I only had one at home and was heavily pregnant and I was finding it tough. So I just really felt for anyone with multiple children, multiple ages, trying to work and everything else going on whilst trying to entertain young children, which, as we know, is a really tricky task. And my goodness, yes, it was an entire time for all of us. And it feels like it was two minutes ago. But then also, since then, I have to remind myself,

I've since had two more children. So I've added two more little boys to the mix. So now I've got a one-year-old, a three-year-old, and a nine-year-old. So I'm really getting all the spectrum of motherhood once again. And I, yeah, the rest of some days, I feel like I'm in the ditches. You know, I'm still in the trenches. I'm still in the nappies, the potty training,

or all that sort of stuff. But it was after the birth of my third baby, Raffi, he's a Halloween baby, so it's a year and a bit now. And I had him and I just was left with this feeling of, well, I just didn't know who I was anymore. You know, I was a mom of three. There wasn't a minute in the day for myself. Everything went poured into these children who I adore. But oh my goodness, I just completely lost myself. and one good thing out of that was that I recognise those feelings

and had the same feelings after each one of my children a few months old when they're tiny and so dependent on you which I find that the hardest stage when they're just always, you're carrying, they're always on your hip. And I just didn't know who I was anymore. I just felt so, I think unseen is the word, the best way to describe it,

which now actually makes you feel really sad. And I think about it that way. But I think you do. I felt like my life had gone on pause and everyone else's life around me had just carried on as normal. And it was like, well, when do I get my turn? When do I get to feel like I'm living life?

I was just getting through the day and then getting through the next day. And I was feeling really stuck, to be honest. And at the same time, I noticed that being known as the play lady, I adore it, and it's something I'm passionate about, and I have done for many years. But I've been talking about play for eight years now and teaching before that as well. And it just got to the point where I wasn't playing the same way at home with my three children. Like I said, I was just getting through the day.

I was cooking the meals, trying to run a home and business and three children. It was a lot. And I wasn't playing in the same way. So I just felt disconnected from my – I felt disingenuine. to my audience. Here's me saying, oh, we should be playing these and setting up these activities. And then all of a sudden, I'm not doing that. And I found that really hard as well. So I think it was a combination of new baby, toddler at home, sort of losing my purpose as well. I felt disconnected with my business. So when you're in that sort of cloud or that

bubble, it can be, I know it's so easy to say that you feel like you're the only, you're the only one, but you really do feel like you're the only one going through that. And it's not a nice feeling. And I've since learned that, since looking into it and learning more about losing your identity when you become a mum. And that's whether it's, and it can happen at so many stages as well, you know, the newborn stage or I have a lot of moms reach out to me, their children have started school. And all of a sudden it's like, oh, well, what now? What's for me now? I've been mum for so long. And it's almost like a badge of honour, isn't it? And that, you know, I've given my everything into my children that I've completely burnt out.

I've forgotten myself. My life has gone on hold to give my children the very best. And so I'm getting lots of amazing messages from mums who are also in the same or left with those similar feelings. And it can be really unnerving. And what I learned was it was just that feeling of just not knowing what I wanted, basically, didn't have a goal. Like I said, I've just felt feeling very disconnected from everything.

And it took me a while, to be honest, to rediscover who I was, what I wanted to be. Outside of being a mum, I adore my children, but you're still allowed to be a mum and and have something else for you and have your purpose and what makes you spark and makes you you. And it's only since going on a journey of discovery, which my first. followers saw that the transition. I think it was quite obvious. I thought I was hiding it, but I think they could see in stories the emotions and me going from feeling quite lost and alone, quite stuck. And they could see me gradually over time, just getting stronger,

mentally and physically. And I was sharing the things that I was actively doing in order to do that. So yeah, I'm in a very different place now. And it's still a journey, though. And I think that's what I'm really clear with everybody about. It's not, you know, you don't suddenly arrive at happiness as a destination. It doesn't have it suddenly happen. And then that's it. All your days are going to be happy and rosy. But I've really worked on that positive mindset.

And that just really, yeah, that's been a game changer for me, really. Wow. So really just honouring where you've been at and your work has kind of changed along the way. Because I guess it's so personal, isn't it? Or that you've been sharing. was such a, like an overflow of the passion that you had. And as you've asked those questions of who am I now? You're, you're sharing that process. And I guess people are just jumping on board and coming along with you because who isn't asking those questions at some point? And I reflect back

over my kind of postpartum periods. And it is a massive question to ask because you don't feel like the same person, I don't even necessarily enjoy some of the things that I used to do before having children. So it's not even if I could have just turned and thought, right, I'm going to re-engage in that because actually I don't really love doing that anymore. And sometimes it is that experience of trial and error and exploring things. So I love, I love that you've inspired people along the way and just being honest about, yeah, that it doesn't really have an end. I don't think these things ever do. I think this is a question that it's so worth us asking at various points in our lives.

But with everything that you know, everything that you've learned so far, everything that you shared, what is that one thing that you'd really love people's takeaway today? I think for anyone, and like we were talking, before we came on, we were talking about that pivot, that change in your life. And this is what I'm now talking about is I think for a long time, I just accepted, well, this is this is life.

now, this is it, this is what it's going to be like. You see everyone else, again, living life, almost in the driving seat of their life, what do they call it, the main character of their life? And I felt like an extra. And I just assumed that, well, this is it now, you know, this is motherhood. This is going to be it until they start school. And actually, that's not the case. You can actually change your life. You can, if you want to start a new chapter. And that can look like a variety of things. That's different to everybody. everyone's got their own journey, their own mountain that they want to climb. And that's something that I've learned is that you don't have to accept it.

And it was a quote that just really hit with me. I don't know if you, I'm sure you know him, Billy the Kid, he does amazing posters. And his was nothing changes, if nothing changes. Yeah. And it was that, it was that moment. And I can remember the moment as clear as can be. I've told this story to my listeners. I was in my kitchen one morning.

It was grim. It was early. I have all three. I've probably had a baby on my head, hair on my head, dressing gown, you know, no glamour whatsoever. Probably yesterday's makeup by my face. And doing cereal with the breakfast. And this song came on. I'm not going to sing it. Pretty green eyes. I don't know if you remember. It was a banger back in the day for me. It just came on. And it was one of those moments. I felt like, last time I remember that I listened to this. I was not standing in my kitchen with three kids. Am I? Yes. body, everything was in the right place. I was confident. I had no reason. And it was just like, I'm making pat lunches and there's cereal everywhere and I have a baby on my hip and I'm not the same person. And it was one of those moments where it was like, nothing's going to change if nothing changes. And I know there are lots of situations in our life that we can't

necessarily change. You know, childcare isn't the easiest to have or to sort whether you've support around you. There's lots of factors. However, there are some little things you can do. And this is something that I've learned is that if you do want to start a new chapter to get stronger mentally and physically, to start the new gardening blog, to write a children. I had a lady in my inbox yesterday wanting to write a children's book. I mean, how awesome is that? It doesn't mean you have to ship off and go and live in Australia, right? I'm going to start a brand new life and be really drastic can change everything. Actually, it's those tiny little changes that you can just, just the way that you speak to yourself. You know, I've been giving myself a hard time for 39 years now. And look where

it's got me. It's not working. So what we're going to do? I'm practicing, just being nicer to myself, give myself a break when you're spinning all the plates and things, you know, you're going to drop them. That's how, that's what life is like. And it's just that sort of, um, just being kinder to ourselves. It really does start with, like, our mindset and working alone time. I used to think a lone time was such selfish, you know, as a mom, imagine, you know, craving a break from the kids. I used to think, you know, oh, good moms don't do that, or good moms don't need to just go out for a walk and get some fresher on their own, you know, but actually, I've fallen in love with alone time. It's very rare. It happens with three boys. You know, the stars have to align. But when it does

happen. Oh my good, nerves. It's, it's so special, but you've got to get out of the house. That's what I've learned, Anna. Alone time in the house, you're going to do jobs. You're going to tidy up something. You're going to do a mindless scroll. You're going to do your to do list. Get out the house. Go for a walk. Go meet someone for a coffee. Bumping into a stranger and chatting to them, all those sorts of things. It's all those little things. Be nice to yourself, be alone time. That's what's going to help you to feel like you again, whether it's the old version of you or the newly improved version of you, that's how you're going to find you again.

And then you can start to decide, right, what's my new chapter going to be? What's it going to look like? Am I going to start a business? Am I going to take career lessons? Whatever it could be. You really can do it. But it doesn't need to be quite the big mountain.

It needs to climb, actually. It's just those little things will help to get you there. Oh, this is such an amazing kind of cheerleading pep talk, isn't it? Because I can just imagine there are times definitely when I just thought, is this it? I just, yeah, you just feel stuck and you know that there are so many things that you'd love to do or so many things you'd love to learn about. But it all just feels a bit much. So you're encouraging us to just start small, just start with something because nothing changes if nothing changes. So what can we do that feels like one step towards that dream or that? Yeah. Yeah.

desire or that hope for change. Yeah, definitely. It doesn't have to be huge. No, I think one of the biggest things for me, and I talk to, I'm a big vision board fan. I'm quite a visual person anyway. I'm always arty in my playing things. And I love the way that things are.

And vision boards for me really help me, whether it's images that I've got of myself from times when I felt more confident or a really good, positive time in my life, or finding images on Pinterest that really resonate with you. I find finding those images can be really. powerful because that's why then you keep in your head when so for me deciding right i need to get stronger i'd had three big babies um i felt so wobbly and soft that was the only way i could describe it and i just i wanted to be i was craving feeling stronger i was following women on on instagram who they weren't on a weight of show me they were getting stronger the workouts they

were doing were building strength and i was just like oh i want that that that's what i need i need to build that's because I you know when your core is feeling strong you hold yourself differently you feel more confident in your clothes and I just I miss that so much just that self-confidence and I knew it was on the inside as well I knew the way I was thinking about myself that self-belief had gone as well and so I was craving feeling stronger and so I found these images I found images of myself from years ago when I felt I was in that position and I also found the images and I remember one and it's a woman and she's meditated. She's very peaceful and she's outside.

I mean, just for me, that just, it was really quite a powerful way of finding right, right. I want to, who do I want to be? You know, I was trying to work out, what do I want? I want to be stronger. I want to be the type of person who looks after themselves. I want to be the kind of person who eats properly and healthfully. Okay, yeah, I do like Rosie Wine.

You know, that's a given. But I still work hard to nourish my body because for so long, It was like, oh, you know, that doesn't matter. We had lockdown. I've had two babies close in age. And I'd never, I just lost all that self-confidence in my clothes and the way I looked and I felt. And I wanted to be the kind of person who exercise was part of their daily routine. I wanted to be that person.

I want to be someone who looks after myself and prides myself on my healthy, stronger body. And so I had this image. So then when I was like, do you know what, I'm just going to start doing a little, like, little, workouts. There's some great YouTube videos, a great women. Amazing, yeah. Ten minutes. And they show you, it doesn't need to be fancy. Bang the tunes up, have fun. Now my boys are like, let's do exercises, mommy. But it's that sort of, I've made movement part of my daily routine now. And I am becoming that person on that image. Amazing. That does look after herself. Well, it's amazing. And such an encouragement. It's such a challenge to think, I don't know, sometimes we build.

change up to be so big in our heads that we don't even want to go there. We just, we just think I'm so far removed from that version of myself or the me that could do that, that we kind of sabotage even starting. But I love this advice. How can you just make one tweak towards that? And it snowballs and it really does because it makes you feel great. So thank you. Because I, I just think there are going to be little light bulbs going off everywhere as people listen thinking what they might do to take that that small step towards change. Yeah, tiny change. Exactly. Yeah, it makes such a difference. It does. And following you. Eight years ago when I, when I had my oldest, that's the thing. It's been a steep learning curve. You know, you hear the gurus. I always say, you hear lovely Joe Wicks

talk about moving for your mindset and all those things. And I just think, yeah, whatever. I was never brought up with exercise. I was, you know, you use exercise to lose weight. That's what I always believed. But now I've learned to, I enjoy it now. And I noticed when I've not done it. So yeah, actually, maybe all the goo is what they've been saying, maybe there might be quite right. But yeah, it might be something. There might be something in it. Yeah, and now you are chipping away at that in other people as well. So I encourage everyone to go and find you on Instagram, Claire Russell. You are on there as play hooray. And I think, it's also encouraging moms to play. Encouraging moms to play themselves with their own ideas and visions

of where they would love to be and what they would love to be doing. And yeah, to do those things that make them feel like themselves, even if it takes a little bit of exploring as to what those actually are. But to finish off, I'd love to ask you one quick five question. What is a motherhood high for you Claire. A motherhood high is for me seeing how affectionate my children are with each other. I get a lot of questions about because of the age gap. We've got big age gap and then we've got very tiny. It's always like what's what's best? What's easiest? What was the perfect age gap? And they adore each other. Yes, they are, you know, they were throwing things at each other and they're. But when they are affectionate and being loving to each other, you kind of feel like,

oh, okay. Oh, okay. Parenting. Yeah. Parenting. Tens. I feel like I've, you know, when they're being lovely to each other or you hear them using please and thank you's or just being caring it. It's those softer skills. That's when, that's my motherhood high, I think, when you see that in them. Yeah. Oh, I'm looking at that. I did all right, actually.

Yeah, it's a family, isn't it, when you think, oh, I'm done, I haven't done too badly. Well, thank you so much for your kind, encouraging words and people can find all your courses and your resources on your Instagram. Play Hooray. And thank you. Thanks for joining me again. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much. Thank you. It's been lovely to chat to you. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing. They are all on my website, Anna Martha.

And also don't forget my brand new book Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.