The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Clemmie Telford on a great tip for decision making

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

On this episode of The Therapy Edit's 'One thing', Anna Mathur chats with Clemmie Telford.Clemmie's one thing she'd like to impart to other parents is if you let your upset/overwhelmed/confused mind settle, your course will become clear.To find out more about Clemmie:Visit her website at https://motherofalllists.comFollow her on Instagram @clemmietelfordOrder her book But Why? at https://www.waterstones.com/book/but-why/clemmie-telford//9781472278784

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me for the next 15 minutes as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone and welcome to today's episode of One Thing. I'm so excited, although just feel a bit, I know this is going to be a hard one because I've got Klemie Telford here today and it's going to be hard because I think, as she said when we just briefly chatted, we could chat for hours. So it's going to be challenging to do the one thing

and stick within the 10 minutes, but we're going to give it our very best shot. So Klemie Telford is a podcaster. If you haven't listened to her podcast, but why? Then why? and I highly recommend it. She's also the author of a book by the same name, But Why, and it's about how to answer tricky questions from the kids and have an honest conversation with yourself. Just she goes through all of these questions. You know the questions that you get asked,

you kind of get blindsided in the car on a long journey, but why? But why does this happen? But why do people think that? But why do some people do that? And she just dives head on in there, bringing in other voices. and, I mean, the end of the book, I think I just, I was so, I was, I felt so fed, but also more confident in, so I'm not saying, I just, you know what I actually just don't know, but let's

have a think about it. Clemmy also shares blogs on her blog, the mother of all lists, where she, she shares stories and voices of lists that people write about different situations they've been through so powerful and insightful. She is Clemmy Telford on Instagram. So, Clemmy, hi. How are you? How are you? Hello. I'm okay. Well, you know how I am because I just said it to you just before.

I'm frazzled. I'm frazzled as everybody is frazzled. And I'm doing that dangerous thing where I'm thinking by the time we get to the Christmas holidays, this will all be a bit easier. And I know that that is a very dangerous place to get to because you're working to something that never really changes. So, yeah, I'm going to try and pull myself up on that. Yeah, kind of leaning towards something and holding out for it. And then we get there and it just feels not a not a disappointment but just we don't we hope that we're going to get what we need and actually we need to probably find ways to get ourselves a little bit of what we need now is hard yeah so thank you for joining us kemmy i ask our guests a pretty difficult simple but difficult

question of if you could share one thing with all the fellow moms what would that one thing be This is actually something that's in my book, and it's based on a Buddhist expression, but I'm going to butcher it, sorry, Buddhists. It is that with time, even cloudy water settles. So exactly as it sounds, when things are feeling most complicated, most overwhelming,

you're most emotional, often all you need to do is just sit with it and wait it out and things sort themselves out. Those emotions settle, things change, and it becomes easier. And I think particularly through the lens of motherhood where I not went wrong

because I don't want to use that language about myself, but the thing that I found challenging is that I tried to control my way through uncontrollable situations. And actually, with time, your child will sleep again, with time you will find your identity again. With time, that middle of the night argument with your husband will just feel like part

of the patchwork of parenting. And so, yeah, just to allow time and not to have to always do something. That's the challenge, though, isn't it? I think, I think that's right. That's a challenge. We want to do something, if we feel something, especially if it is uncomfortable or it's confusing or we don't have the answer or we can't see a way forward. We want to do something to make it feel better to get clarity, to be proactive, to control,

sometimes to manipulate, to Google, to ask around everyone to get an answer from somewhere outside of ourselves. So you're saying just kind of just sit with it and trust it a bit more. And just give yourself time. You know, my granny used to always say just sleep on it or maybe it's the case of just go for a walk. So often the thing that was like wrangling around your mind, just walk it out and you come back and it's untangled itself a little bit.

So yeah, it is, yeah, this thing with you exactly that. So how do you find doing that? find, do you find it hard? I find it really hard. I have to be very proactive about not being proactive. Me too. Me too. But I see it also in my work. I'm always trying to get five steps ahead and trying to predict something. And actually, if I just did, just weighted it out, did what I'm doing. So often the bit that you're trying to get to never even comes about anyway. So it's, it's utterly wasted energy. I'm not good at it. No, I'm not good at it at all, but I'm trying to be better.

And I think mood changes as well, doesn't it? And we see so much through the lens of how we feel. I had a really, just yesterday was full on. And I felt so many things and wanted to do so many things off the back of it. And then I woke up today. And all of those things, they just don't feel relevant anymore because they don't feel that way. They're dissipated. No.

And actually, particularly with feelings, I was guilty of kind of landing on the feeling that was loudest to me and actually you know once I settled down the thing that was making me feel emotional wasn't that big loud thing at all it can be something so small and and often quite actually quite fixable and but the only way you get to that is to yeah is to sit with it and wait out so how do you in those moments where you see yourself just going for the fixing or the searching or the controlling you know is it a process you go through in your mind like do you literally Is this, you know, that little Buddhist saying, is that something that you just record yourself? Is it like a little mantra?

What settles you back down into the sitting with? My way to get there for me is to do anything that gets me in my body and out of my mind. Because, again, it's trying to think my way through problems when that isn't the case. So getting in my body by having a shower, doing some exercise. going for a walk or going to sleep and usually that does it whereas yeah just thinking and thinking and thinking away through things really doesn't always get you the results you are you finding it easier to trust that process as you're trying to do this consciously yes I think I probably am and also with time of parenting actually I've got a few younger friends who are about to become parents

and, you know, or have just become parents and them going through those early motions. And you want to kind of hand over this, there's knowledge to them, but sometimes it's only through experience of having practiced this a bit more, of having faith that you will get some sleep again eventually, that you don't, you know, if you want to do sleep training, that's fine, but you can't fix a child that wants to wake up in the night. You just have to work through it. And I guess, yeah, it's just experience knowing that things do shift in time, but Yeah. I mean, even if, even if someone, I mean, I was given so many different pieces of advice when I, when I first became a mum. But I think now I wish I'd take in the, but actually, if you're not, you're not in that headspace, are you? You kind of, you do have to go through that journey yourself of actually, you know, three kids down and I'm finally getting there where I'm just like, this will pass. This will pass. I don't have to try. I think it's the trying, isn't it? We try, try, try so hard. And it's kind of. It's kind of. of freeing just to think, you know what? A lot of this will just write itself for good time.

And also, I think I've now got a bit of evidence that I've done something all right. Two of my kids are in school and they're seeming like they're reasonable humans. So you've got a bit more faith in yourself in that. And also, again, once they get into education, you can only do so much. The moment they go through those school gates now, I've equipped them with what I hopefully have equipped them with. And the rest is on them. you know, I could try and micromanage it, but it's, yeah, we've done as much as we can. You start to realize actually even in the areas you try to control, when it comes to kids, they're their own little people as well, isn't it?

It's such a lesson, all that energy that we expend in trying. And how do you know then when there's a situation you recognize that you're really in your head, you're trying to change and control it? How do you know, how do you differentiate some of those situations, I guess, where you do have to be proactive and there are certain things that you can do and those are the times when actually the thing really to do

is just to let go and let it be. I think often it's down to the level of my response. I know in my body when I'm having what is probably an irrational, yeah, an irrational reaction. You feel that full body rush where actually I can't quite get to a logical thought anyway because my head's spinning and there's so many things that I'm throwing at it.

And I can often hear the language that starts coming out of my mouth, which we've talked about before, Anna, you know, when you go to those extremes, this is always happening, this is forever, why does my life seem like this all the time? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I can recognize that there's something skewed here. And therefore, the thing, I don't, I can't solve a problem if I'm not really sure what the problem is. So, therefore, that's the time to try and put. So in letting go often, it also takes us on a bit of a journey of starting to recognise

our own emotional responses to things and just to not let them control us, just to let them kind of run their course, see them for what they are, and just trust that often the answer will just come, or maybe there isn't anything to be answered, maybe it's just a feeling that will pass and we can grow in trust of that process, the more often we kind of consciously let that happen and what energy we will recoup from not trying to control the things that we cannot control. I need more. I need more of that. Thank you. It's the biggest lesson, isn't it? It's the biggest lesson. Thank you and inspiring that in us. So each episode we finish off with a little quick fire round. So, Clemmy, what is a motherhood high for you? Oh, I mean,

I'm just going to go for one that is right in front of me. my eldest son Bertie was in the school play last night and I picked him up and he was he was just so buzzing with himself and there are real moments when you go oh wow I have made a human and he's gone and done this and we're seeing the performance today so I didn't see it last night he did it all on his own

and he said I spoke in front of these people and it just felt great for him and that is so rewarding and yes I gave him the foundations but that's him and you just get to enjoy the people that you've helped raise and then you get to enjoy them as individuals i think is when parenting becomes really rewarding those moments and allowing yourself just to notice and enjoy so what what's the motherhood low for you this is it it sits directly alongside that because he

finished his play late we picked him up late all the bedtimes went out the window they're all still up at nine o'clock. He's buzzing and wants to chat. I want to go get down to dinner. And it felt like utter chaos. And I really wanted to hold the space for him and his joy, but also really wanted them all to go to bed. And I think this is exactly the challenge of parenting. It's like those moments sit so closely with each other. And it's trying to, yeah, keep them separate and yeah, just sit with a duality, I guess. Wanting to meet their needs and hold space for them, whilst also acknowledging your own and going to bed

and getting a bit of what you need as well which last night was about space and calm and probably dinner. Yeah, please just go to bed and as you get your kids get older that window of your own precious time on the other side of their bedtime just get shorter and shorter

more often than not now I'm often finding myself doing their bedtime and almost going to bed straight after but what I have tried to do is when they were really chatting at bedtime the boys, try and actually really enjoy that as their company rather than, because they are, I can have a great conversation with them now and not be like, I must shut you up so that I can

go and eat. This is going to be my downtime now. So let's try and lean into that. But it's really difficult to switch all those, between all those different places. Yeah, and then trying to like trying to make space a little bit more somewhere in the day, shoehorn it in there so that you're getting a bit more of that. Yes. Elsewhere. It's hard, isn't it? so how would you oh i've missed out one question is what what one what's one thing that makes you feel good or just anything in life is coming what makes you feel good um i mean all i can think now is the sunshine but we haven't got a huge amount of that sunshine and exercise exercises is the place when i feel most connected with myself and it's doing something just for me but also

making me stronger and more able and hopefully live longer for my children. So it feels like a very nice thing to do with my time because it's personally rewarding, but I think hopefully makes me a better parent as well. I've been really inspired actually by your, just your journey and your relationship with exercise that you've shared on social media because I think for me in the past it's been definitely a tool, like an abusive tool that I've used. And it's just wonderful to be inspired and see you using it in a way that just is just benefiting you. It's meeting a need, it's your mental health, it's physical, it's strength and everything. And you're right, for me it has come from the same place to be going through

the same motions, but it not be coming from a place of self-loathing or something I must do and only being a gift is, it feels like a wonderful place to be. Yeah. Well, I bet you have no idea how many people's journeys you have inspired in that way. So finally, to finish off, how would you describe motherhood in three words? I've only got four. Can I just do that? You can do four. It's the best, the best, hardest thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it just? Well, thank you so much. Thank you for inspiring us just to take a step back from our own need to control and just learn to trust that even cloudy water will settle. Thank you for that. It's lovely, lovely speak with you.

Thank you for joining us for me. Take care of yourself, Anna. Bye. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mentor.

and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.