The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Dr Caroline Boyd on how to transform your anger into a superpower

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to Dr Caroline Boyd about her One Thing; how mothers can use the anger and rage they experience and turn it into their superpower.Dr Caroline is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist, HCPC registered, with over 10 years’ experience working in the NHS and mental health settings.You can follow Caroline on Instagram hereYou can learn about Caroline's course on rage here You can also buy her recently published book, Mindful New Mother, here.**Trigger warning – discussion of rage which can feel upsetting for some. Please take care when listening.If this episode raises any concerns for you please talk to a trusted health professional such as your GP. You can also reach out to the services below:UK: PANDAS - 0808 1961 776Samaritans – 116 123For emergency help - call 999 or visit your local A&E department

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone, welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. today I have with me, Dr. Caroline Boyd. Dr. Boyd is a perinatal psychologist. She specialises in supporting mums and dads around pregnancy, childbirth and the tough tender transition. I love that. Love a bit of alliteration. The tough tender transition, isn't it just to parenthood and

beyond? I was absolutely honoured to endorse her brilliant, warm and practical book, mindful new mum. Dr. Boyd is on Instagram as at underscore Dr. Boyd, and I love that we are equally passionate about de-shaming and reshaping how we see rage, but also intrusive thoughts, which you know I love talking about in motherhood. Her page is full of shared stories, information tools and things that strip the taboo away from the motherhood emotions that we often most struggle with. And she is passionate about empowering us to find new ways to approach and experience them. So there we go. What a bio. Hi. Hi, Caroline. How are you? How are you today? I'm good. Thank you. And thank you for those lovely.

warm words. I'm going to listen to those whenever I need a bit of a boost. It's funny, isn't it? Hearing some of your work in a bit of a nutshell. I would sit awkwardly kind of shuffling a little bit, but it's nice to hear it. So thank you so much for joining me here. Yeah. So tell us a little bit about the one thing that you would love to share with all the mum's listening as they walk babies in buggies, drive home from the school drop off or wherever they may be. What's that one thing? So what I really wanted to talk with you about, and I know that you are really passionate about this topic too, but it's the topic of rage and just really thinking about the values, but also

the costs of it and how once we know how to harness our anger, then it can become a superpower. And I think, you know, it's an emotion that we all feel, including with, including psychologists. We're all familiar with that white-hot sensation of rage. It can feel like a ball of fire erupting from our chest. And it's a really vibrant feeling. It's such an energizing emotion. And it's so visceral.

And I think in those moments, you can feel completely hijacked by that sense of rightness and power. And I know for me, triggers can be really small. so things like, well, I remember once boying over seeing my husband's socks on the floor and also noise. That's a big trigger for me, you know, just that's, yeah, the sensory overload and that overstimulation, you know, at the end of a busy day. It's just, it's a lot. And I think, you know, anger, what is anger? It's a healthy human. response to a direct physical threat, but also a threat to our dignity and self-esteem,

so feeling belittled, put down or violated in some way. And there are so many triggers for modern moms. So, you know, I mean, just to name a few, that's feeling touched out, feeling anger in response to the sheer overwhelm, feeling like you're doing the bulk of the mental load, the domestic load, the child rearing. I know there's also a theme around mum's feeling that they're also taking on all the research around parenting and also doing the internal work for themselves, and that can feel really unequal. So that's why I tend to view my work through the lens of patriarchal motherhood, because that can be so anger-inducing, experiencing that gender inequality in the home. So we know also how common anger is, and I know that you've spoken

about this too. It's not openly talked about, but it's really common. And the latest research shows that as many as one and three women in the first year postpartum experience intense feelings of anger. And it was found to be even more prevalent than postnatal depression. So, So it's really common, and of course, anger goes way beyond the postpartum period for mums. And what I've noticed in the media and social media is that there's more awareness around female anger. And we're still reading from the Me Too movement, the murder of Sarah Everard by a police officer. You know, these have all been real flashpoints for women's anger. and I think it shows how powerful that can be

and that some shifts are being made, which is obviously really positive thinking about anger as that catalyst for change. And we're going to come on to that more talking about the surprising benefits of anger. But I think it's also important to understand that when anger is showing up a lot and spinning into rage,

there are significant costs, not least to our physical health. You know, we know that excessive anger impacts our physical health and is associated with increased anxiety, depression, chronic pain. And there are social costs too. Because the thing is, when we flip our lid, we're beyond seeing logic. And the fight part of our fight, flight, freeze response is triggered. flooding our body with stress hormones, we're completely hijacked by our emotional brain

and our thinking brain, as in the prefrontal cortex, goes offline. So this means we're, you know, our moral reasoning has gone out of whack and this leads us to act in ways that can be scary to those around us, including our kids. So there's, there are social costs too,

and anger can really impact the relationships with those around us, including ourselves. And so I think what I find interesting about my work in supporting parents is that while there is more awareness and talk around female rage, it's still the most stigmatized emotion in the word. And I also think that women are still being socialised to squash it. I don't know if you notice.

Yeah, yeah. Now, I think in the, just in all the conversations I have with mums and thinking about to my own experience, I was aware of my anger and my rage prior to having children. But I think there's something very different when you, you've got this very, you've got this kind of maternal instinct that just feels very conflicting with the rage that I would sometimes feel towards, and do sometimes feel towards my children. And I think that can feel quite surprising and quite shocking. And we can, and I think that's where a lot of the shame comes in. we judge ourselves really harshly and we don't talk about it, which is why I think we're both equally passionate about talking about this and thinking about what that anger might be saying to us and what might be, yeah, I'm sure you're going to give us some tips on it. But absolutely seeing quite how far we've got to go in talking about de-shaming and therefore being able to understand and address the things that are causing this very, as you say, kind of physiological, like white-hot emotion to erupt out of us and the collateral that that comes with that as well. So yeah. Absolutely. I love that you talk about this. I'm so grateful.

Absolutely. And I think the pattern that I notice in my work, I'm sure that you do too. And I wonder if it will be, you know, it will really resonate with women listening as well. But that pattern around trying to suppress anger because it's become such, you know, it's such a feared emotion. And we know this comes from those good girl narratives, later reinforced by the myth of supermom and pressure to be the perfect mum. And I think that can become blurred with more extreme versions of the gentle parent. And all of these stories feed into our fear-based beliefs. that we must get it right to be a good mum.

And that leads to perfectionism, trying to control ourselves as well as our children, rigidity, all while staying calm and serene. And obviously, that's impossible. So anger has to come out somehow. So inevitably, it all comes spinning out. And then we had left drowning in shame. So what I notice is this pattern of oscillating where mums are in that position, they kind of veer between the position of trying to be the calm, serene, gentle parent.

And they try to stay calm, try to stay calm. And then, of course, they can't do that. It's just impossible. So then they move to the other end of the spectrum and become raging, shouty mum. Yeah. And that's a really, you know, that's a really powerful. anger, shame, guilt cycle that we can get caught in. And so I think, you know, what to do with all of this?

Because it is a real... It's such a heavy context for modern mums, isn't it? And I think it's about using the real value of anger without being used by it and experiencing so many of the costs. So once we can learn how to harm, honest it and how to listen to it, then it can become this real superpower. So I think my first tip is really about getting curious about our anger and understanding its function. It's telling us to make a change. And we need to learn to listen to it. So in the day to day, I think this

could look like making it a practice to check in with yourself. You know, how, just pausing in the day-to-day chaos, how am I feeling putting a hand on your heart tenderly because that's really soothing as well. And just noticing signs that anger is rising. So noticing has your jaw got really tight? Are your fists clenched? Have you become caught in spirals of blame directed at yourself or perhaps others? Have you become more shouty? more sweary, more snappy. And I think it's interesting that when someone is anxious, we want to move towards them to reassure them.

And when someone is sad, we want to comfort them. But with anger, when we're faced with our own anger or anger in someone else, and Russell Colts talks really powerfully about this, what do we want to do? We want to get away. Get away. Get out of here before they blow. And quickly. However, if we can begin to turn towards our anger with compassion, we can dig deeper and then be curious about this vulnerable part of you and the feelings underneath.

Because anger can mask those vulnerable feelings such as fear, fear of not getting it right as a mum, fear of losing control and acting anger out in a way that we don't want to. and that can be particularly if we've experienced verbal or physical aggression from our parents growing up or if anger was modelled in a scary and unpredictable way or perhaps we never saw anger and so anger in both cases feels very confusing and so we learn to fear it and lock it away yeah this is transformative and this was absolutely transformative to me is instead of I think we just so quickly move to that place of shame, don't we, in self-judgment and self-criticism and I would feel very undeserving of the love of my children and the role of a mother. And moving from that place to actually having more of an inquiring mind after these moments or during or before

as you feel these moments arise thinking, what's happening here? What do I, what is this anger telling me? What emotions are leading to it? A completely different way of approaching and addressing it, isn't it? far more compassionate and inquiring and acknowledging humanness and limits and limited resources and yeah just transformative for me and the mums that I work with and I'm sure the moms who work with too so yeah powerful powerful one to kick off with yeah and with you know for myself too personally um just that learning to just focus inwards and connect with

that vulnerability um which can feel very scary initially. But once you learn to do it in those small ways, then you learn that actually there are, you know, it's deeply rewarding and it's, and it really deepens your own self-awareness. And I think, you know, there's other feelings underneath that Anga Kamar, so we can think about grief, grief that motherhood's not how you expected it to be or that you're not getting the support that you hoped for. So once we begin to turn towards those feelings and focus consumers and bring that compassion, we can then identify those unmet needs and take the action that we need to. So that could be a need to draw a line in the sand if we're being treated unfairly

and say, no, enough. It could be a sign that we need more support. We need to feel recognised and valued in what you do. So perhaps that means we need to assert our needs with our partner to get that support and that's something that we explore more in my course because that is not straightforward always. And it could also be, you know, if for getting more support, calling a helpline, perhaps panders and speaking with your GP to explore, you know, local support, either psychologist support or local peer support or accessing a private therapist. Really helpful. So seeing that as a prompt to consider whether you might really benefit from some further support to be empowered into how to even meet some of those needs or sometimes even know how to articulate what they might be. Because sometimes it's, you know, we've ignored those needs for so long. It can actually be hard to find the words and really helpful to get some guidance in doing so. Yeah. Really helpful.

Yeah. And a lot of a lot of the work I think is supporting moms to find their voice to voice those needs. So my second tip is using our body, because anger is so visceral, as we know. And what it does is it triggers our internal alarm system, energizing the body to react. And what is going on in that moment is our brain is telling our body, I'm not safe. I need to prepare for action now. So whether it's doing 10 star jumps or running on the spot, which I'm sometimes done, this allows us to release from that threat-activated contraction. So the fight-flight response is meant to be followed by a burst of activity and the movement signals to the brain,

the danger's now over. You've survived and fight-flight can switch off. It's incredible. So responding to, so that fight-or-flight response, that rush of adrenaline is intended to be responded by a rush of movement, I guess, to utilise it. So it's a bit of a, like a body hack, isn't it? So instead of that eruptive, kind of destructive rage that can just come out of us, what about just running on the spot, doing something physical that uses that, that kind of justifies that adrenaline burst and tells your brain then that is, okay, it's done now. She's acted.

You know, we can calm. Yeah. It's okay. And I've heard mum say, you know, that the baby monitor. has had it and been held across the room in those moments of anger. And it's because your body wants to act. So maybe save the baby monitor and just try and release some of that, that angry tension and energy by movement. I'm going to try that. I'm going to try that because, yes, it's melamine plates, those ones that aren't meant to break, but they can shatter quite far across

the kitchen floor. And so it's a much cheaper also. natural damage and also could just defuse the moment. I imagine if I'm feeling it bubbling up and I just stand in the kitchen and I do some crazy dancing or I do some star jumps or I run on the spot, there's something quite diffusing about that for the people around me as well. Incredibly different thing and maybe they'll join in

and you're modelling to them using their body and then they might laugh and humour is what happens when we laugh it means our body's relaxing so it's actually helping with that as well. I love this. Thank you. And what's the third tip that you've got out of sleep for us? So my third tip is about channeling anger constructively. So thinking about fierce compassion and you know, this can look like journaling. So releasing that angry tension through the physical act of writing. We know that's really therapeutic. And I think it can be really cathartic

and I hear this from so many women and I found it myself when you're writing about your feelings so that could be a stream of consciousness and or what's important to you and that allows you to find meaning out of the jumble in your mind. So I think there's something about journaling

that's very powerful and then through that you can become you know finding that meaning you can become clear on what action to take. So that could be activism work, fighting injustice. Some of my clients as part of their therapy, get involved in, say, campaigning for better maternity care if they've experienced birth trauma or perhaps more flexible working for mums. So that could look like writing to your MP, getting involved with relevant charities like pregnant than then screwed. So I think

those taking that action once you've become clearer on on where you, you want to channel that anger can be incredibly powerful and help you feel like you're making change on an individual level, but also on a wider level. Thank you so much. So helpful. I'm going to be, yeah, I think the running in the kitchen on the spot is going to be a, is a big takeaway for me. But you mentioned a course. I'd love you just to say a couple of words about that for those who are thinking, yeah, I really, really want to delve a little bit deeper into this. Yeah, so my cause is supporting mums around their anger to support them to understand it more, to explore where it may be coming from in terms of perhaps those experiences growing up,

as well as all the pressures and messages we get from society. But also thinking more in the wider system, so how anger shows up between you and your partner and support around, as I was talking about, you know, voicing those needs. Obviously, it's a process to first identify the needs and to be turning towards those feelings. And then thinking about anger between you and your child and what's going on there as well. So it's the whole thinking about the different aspects, I think, of how anger can show up. What an amazing resource. So that can all be found, I guess, from your Instagram page, which is at underscore Dr. Boyd.

And there people can find all the details, can't they, about the different offering that you have. So thank you so much for being so open and passionate about de-shaming rage and giving people more supportive and constructive ways of approaching it in themselves. So to finish off, I've got a couple of quick-fire questions for you because we're just nosy. We'd love to hear one thing that makes you feel really good. Oh, well, now I'm thinking about channeling anger constructively. I would say it's those moments when either on my course, when I brought people together that way,

or in my anger workshops, or maybe I've just written about anger or anxiety. That might be something of, that's another topic of mine that I have a real interest in. And just hearing back from women who might message me privately, just saying, I just wanted to say thank you so much. I've now understood something about myself or I've reached out for help. And I'm really bringing women together on my course and understanding the collective power of the group and helping people feel less alone where they share their experiences and then others say, yeah, me too. Yeah, it's such a good feeling, isn't it? So I'm sure it's something that makes you feel good, but absolutely something that makes them feel good. And then

Finally, how would you describe motherhood in just three words? Not easy, I know. I would say, okay, cheating a bit, just using slightly more than two words, deepening self-awareness. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If that's allowed. A dance. Yes. Oh. And repair. Yeah. And repair. I think that is definitely one for a whole other, a whole other episode. I actually did one with Dr Becky on repair, which I think is, you know, when we have these moments of rage and things don't go as we wanted them to go. That is the next step, isn't it? So that's definitely one to check out.

But thank you so much, Dr. Boyd. It's been an absolute privilege to have you and wonderful to delve into rage and anger, which is something we all experience. So thank you for empowering and equipping us. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to us. subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like

us. And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing, starting at only 20 pounds. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, How to Find Balance, Feel Good and See Your Children Flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon. Thank you.