The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Gi Fletcher on how to handle advice

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

On this episode of The Therapy Edit's 'One thing', Anna Mathur chats with Giovanna Fletcher, Sunday Times No 1 Bestselling Author, Founder of Happy Mum Happy Baby and mum of three.Gi's one thing that she wants to impart to other parents is centred all around how mums can pick and choose what advice they decide to apply to their parenting. You can follow Giovanna on Instagram at @mrsgifletcher or @happymumhappybaby and browse her books here https://www.giovannafletcher.com/booksThis week Gi has also shared some BIG news! Happy Mum Happy Baby - The Big Get-Together, will be taking place on the 8 & 9th of July in the heart of the City at Old Billingsgate, London. The event will be delivering informative, entertaining, and supportive talks in a fun, relaxed environment from Giovanna Fletcher and friends, sharing first-hand experiences to honest conversations. Taking place across two days The Big Get-Together embodies the connection and conversation for all stages of the parenting journey from prenatal to toddlers, starting school to the ‘tweenage’ years’. Meditation, anxiety, sleep support to nutrition, behaviour, mealtimes, first aid and returning to work - no topic will be off limits. For more information and tickets visit happymumhappybaby.comAnd you may just recognise our Anna Mathur herself amongst the lineup of guest speakers!

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me for the next 15 minutes as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of One Thing. and I'm so excited to have the amazing G. Fletcher with me today. I mean, Queen of the Jungle, author, I have taken you many a time to bed with me, G, and snuggled out with one of your books, the perfect escapism, and just, you know, podcaster

and all-round, amazingly talented, generous with all your kind of motherhood experiences and knowledge, mum. So welcome. How are you? I'm good, thank you. I'm really good. The sun is shining, which I always think makes a massive difference to your thoughts and feelings. It does. I feel like my whole physiology changes when it's sunny. Like in the summer, I just walk down the road and I just, you know, the sun is enough to make me feel happy sometimes. Your chest is like you. Your chest is open. You've got a spring in your

step. Makes such a difference, doesn't it? But gee, before we start, I also just want to, I want to ask you about your happy mom, happy baby event coming up in the summer, talking about the sunshine. I know. We were going to do this two years ago. And then obviously, lockdown happened. So we changed it. And we did two virtual events, virtual meetups, which you were a part of, you actually kicked off the first ever one. And it was amazing. But yes, we are doing a big old get-together. And I can't wait. The idea of having lots of parents together in one room, of, you know, we're going to be tackling lots of different subjects and topics and we're going to have workshops and panel chats and just chats and it's going to be so much fun.

I want people to come along and just have that place where they can relax, they can feel seen, they can feel heard and hopefully walk away with a bit of a spring in their step at the end of it. Just being with people. I think we're craving that. We need that, don't we? just to be alongside, alongside each other face to face. Exactly. And I think we both know how important it is to have, you know,

be part of conversations as they happen and, and to, you know, see other people express how you have felt. And I just, you know, I want it to be that cuddle to a lot of people, but also a lot of fun, you know. So there's going to be some fun food, some drink, you know, all of that jazz. Yeah. so I cannot wait.

And it literally feels like it's a party that I've been waiting to have for two years. Yeah, I think it's so lovely to have something in the diary to look forward to. I think there's been so much uncertainty around.

Part of fun of things is looking forward to it, isn't it? We just haven't been able to do that. But summer, oh yeah, I'm glad to have that in my diary. I can't wait. Exactly. It's an old Billings Gate.

So that's a gorgeous venue. It's on the South Bank. So there's a river there as well. And it's just the most beautiful venue as well. Yeah, so I cannot wait. I can't wait. So tickets, I guess all the information is going to be from your page and happy mom, happy baby, be able to get tickets from there.

So I'm going to be there. Yeah, you will. Brilliant. Well, Gee, thank you for joining us. And the question I ask, all our guess, is if you could say one thing or impart one thing in all the moms, what would that one thing be? It's a way it's hard to pick one thing. And my thing was always to not give advice at all because I feel.

like I, because I didn't know what I was doing, I shouldn't be offering it. But now I look back and I kind of say that, because before having my first child, I read all the books, every single book going. And he had read nothing. And, you know, I thought that was quite inconsiderate of him. I'm doing a lot of studying. Very much relate to this. Yeah. And I think I read all the books. I try to take on every single person's knowledge, you know, that people just fire at you. They don't ask, They don't, you don't ask for it. You just, a random man in the supermarket will talk to you about breastfeeding or talk to you about how you're going to deliver your baby, you know, and what work for them.

And, you know, I got quite dizzy actually trying to take on board everything everyone said and implement all of it, you know, trying to make it resourceful for me. And because of that, it made the first few months of motherhood quite challenging because I was trying to be a good student and to get it all right. And I think the sooner you realize that you can never get everything right, the better. However, one thing I think now is there's a, what I've realized is there's a reason why people stop you and offer you advice. And that is because they have been through what you are experiencing, experiencing in that moment where you are looking for the answers. And they happen to have reached that point where they found their answer.

They've landed on that. And now because they've done that hard work to get them to the answer, they want to impart their knowledge on everyone everywhere. Yeah. But every situation is different. Every baby's different. Every parent is different. You know, whatever's going on. It's all, it's all, there are so many different elements going on. So now, I would say, to take all that on board, listen to it, let that person vent realizing that they are absolutely right. They are absolutely right in their situation. They're absolutely right in all of the pathways that took them there.

so listen to it but then let it go just let it just wash over you because at some point it might be that oh my gosh two years ago that man in the supermarket said this maybe i'll try that and it might work for you but at the same time you've got to be able to just to listen but let it go because if you don't let it go if you keep that that noise in your head then i don't think your natural maternal instincts and your own reasoning and your own intuition can fire up because it's it's busy doing other things instead. Oh, that's so true. I think, yeah, all that information and all the words and all the things that we read

just kind of culminate together to create this kind of, I guess, like an instruction book that then we try and follow and it doesn't work for us because it's not our, it's not born from our story and our specific circumstances. So, yeah, kind of receive it and then let let it go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's all right. We've all right. We've all had gifts before that you're kind of like, well, let me just put that in the cupboard. I won't do anything with that. That will just sit there until you can go to the charity shop or find a new home. And I think advice is very similar to that because I don't think on the whole, I don't think anyone offers advice in an ill-meaning way. I think it's given because they've been on that journey and because they want to impart their knowledge, because they want to make it a little bit easier for you. and I think people forget sometimes that actually they're just adding to the confusion of what is a really messy time.

So yeah, so take it in good faith and park it and free up your own space. And what about like in those moments? Sometimes I literally have to like metaphorically sit on my hands because I can feel this advice like kind of rising up for me for someone. And like what when it comes to those moments where you just want to give advice, what do you do? I guess it depends on the person. Depends how close I am to them. And also, we've both got three kids. We both know how different each one has been. So I think when you're

offering advice, it comes from a place of kind of, well, this work with this one, but it didn't work with this one. So you're already kind of, you have a way of doing it that, I don't know, I guess it's a bit different. Although I can remember once. being in a swimming pool. And I, so it was with my second child and we had a day together, a planned a day together. And it was going to be absolutely amazing. Tom had taken him swimming before and quite a few times and had had an amazing time. I think I was pregnant with Max.

And I thought, I'm going to take him swimming and it's going to be amazing. Got him to the swimming pool. And there are two pools as a kid's pool, which is always used for school swimming, certain lessons. And there's the main pool. That day, he could only go in the main pool. He's only ever allowed in the main pool. And he was insistent that he wanted to go in the kids pool. Obviously, he couldn't go.

And he had the biggest meltdown ever. And, you know, I was trying everything. And a woman came over to me. And she definitely was not offering me advice. She was completely being judgy. She was completely making me feel like the worst parent ever. We've been there. Yeah.

And I think, although it was horrible at the time, like Buddy did not get in the pool at all, even though she tried her magic, you know, she's got four kids. She knew best. I couldn't, I didn't want to say to her. Actually, I'm pregnant with my third and the other ones. I didn't even want to go there with her. You know, it was just a very awful experience. And we ended up going to, I think we went to like a shopping center. And he, the next thing that happened in that same day, he went to the shopping center. and he wanted to go on one of those cars that drives around, you know, that you push them around. I can set up the trolley. And I only had my card and they only took cash. So that was the next thing. But there was no way he was getting out of it to go to the cash machine, which was ages away.

So he literally sat there for five minutes with it parked. And it was happy to be mom. Yeah. But I think, I think, so I think it's, I think there's also the knowledge in how your actions as a mom or a human looking on to a situation is really, really impactful. So whether you, you come and you bring words of judgment of, you know, you know, essentially. And she actually, I can remember the words she said, were,

she said, I'm a much more experienced mother. And I was like, oh, but I think, but on the flip side of that, I think I've been in situations, many situations where I've had other moms come over and go, you know, I've been there, it'll pass. Or simply, you're doing a great job. You know, when your kid is mid meltdown and you feel like the world is watching you in that moment and judging. They're just kind of realizing that that's not the case, actually. Usually everyone's so self-absorbed with their own life that they might glance, but they're not going to even give you a second thought.

But for me especially, I think it's definitely impacted how I react when I see those sort of things going on. And I have found now that more often than not, I will lean over and say something. that's just a little bit more like, yeah, I've been there. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you feel seen in that moment then, don't you? You feel comforted and that someone's alongside you rather than kind of tearing over you, telling you what to do, like you're a child or, yeah. So, so, so accept the advice and then let it go. And then if you're in that moment where that it's threatening to pop out, maybe just thinking how can I perhaps say or something or look in a way that is like I'm, I'm,

with you. I see you. This is hard. Yeah. Kind of alongside. Oh, yeah. Helpful. Thank you. I love that. Really? Yes, I do because we're all on the, you know, even when we're, whether we're looking for it or not, there's just so, we're just bombarded, aren't we? Yeah. With advice and so, so much of it is conflicting. So I think. Because you can't do all the advice. It's literally impossible. You can't possibly. Yeah. So I think finding a way that works for you is is so important. And realizing that the way that works for you will change with each child as well. And then it will go through phases where what was working last week is no longer working. So you've been straighten, isn't it? You think you've got it down and then. It's always a bit worrying. It mixes up. Yeah. When a situation arises and everyone deals with it really calmly and you're like, wow, I have cracked this parenting

milwaukee. I've got it down. Yeah. And then two minutes later, you know, shit's going to hit the fan. Yeah. I remember rocking. I remember one of one of the kids. I was like rocking on this rocking chair and I was like, if I do it fast 10 times and then I do it slow 10 times and then I pat him on the bottom 10 times. And he went sleep and I came downstairs and I said to my husband, I've got it. I know what to do to get and it didn't work again. But I think it's also trusting, isn't it, that you'll find you'll find what works as things change. Yeah, you will. You've been there before. You've got through before and you will again. Absolutely. So to finish off, I always ask

quick fire questions. So G, what is a motherhood high for you? Oh, when everyone's getting on and they're showing kindness and compassion and they're laughing together. We've had some meal times recently where everyone's just chatting and like making each other laugh. And you're like, this is what I pictured. Like it's the oxymum moment, you know. And I love that. So that's definitely a high when you can see the good that you're trying to to show them and to guide them to awards, I guess, is there. You know, yeah, those are the highs for me, I would say. Motherhood caffeine.

I call those the caffeine moments that carry, you know, you need those to carry you through the other ones. Absolutely. They put on a bit of a high. What would you say a low was for you? Oh, a low would be when I find myself not reacting to situations in the way that I would like, in the way that I'm proud of. like you talk so brilliantly about the the paper thin line between Mary Poppins and the Hulk

and they are always my low. I think that's, you know, when your kids are in, when you put them to bed and there's that, you know, they're asleep and there's that innocence and there's that stillness that's there within them that wasn't there when they were charging around of being, you know, chaotic. And you suddenly have that moment to kind of go, oh, if only I dealt with that better. If only I, you know, I failed in that moment. And I, and I, And I realize, you know, I think the more work we all do, the more we all share, you realize that that isn't a failure. That's just life. And, you know, we're all learning on the job and getting it wrong occasionally. And, yeah, I just say that those moments are low for me

when I don't feel like I have the resources to deal with a situation in the way that I would really love to. Yeah. Yeah, and that guilt rolls in. Yeah. And do you what makes you feel good what makes me feel good laughter laughter and cuddles with my kids but also the stuff that's not planned for

because you can say to a child give me a kiss and they'll come over and they'll give you a kiss but it's the kiss that lads in your cheek or the hand that goes into yours without being asked for

you know it's making them laugh without even trying to make them laugh it's all of that little deliciousness that you think that's what motherhood is going to be but yeah that for me is lovely. I had a moment with Max the day where he was a bit restless before bed and so I got

into bed with him, which I'm sure some people are like, that's a rod. You're making a rod for your road back. But I was like, it's going to sleep. It's fine. And he just kept leaning over and giving me kisses. I'm like, I love you so much. And I'm like, you really should be asleep right now. But this is just too adorable. And I absolutely love you. So that for me is definitely. When you start seeing it come out, what you've been putting in, now and again, you're like, oh, it is going in. Oh, it's just come out. Oh, I love that.

So, G, to finish off, how would you describe motherhood in three words? Messy, raw, and brilliant. Oh, I love it. All of those. So true. So true. Well, thank you so much. And just an encouragement to everyone to go onto the Happy Mom, Happy Baby website and get

your tickets. Yay. Thank you so much. I can't wait. Thanks, Jake. See you there. Bye. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit.

If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Welfth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.