One Thing with Giles Alexander on how you're doing an incredible job and your child is so lucky to have you.
00:00Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha.Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere.So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom.I hope you enjoy it.Hi, everyone.Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit.I have with me a dad.I have Giles Alexander. He is one of the UK's leading dad bloggers. He has been writing about fatherhood
00:36in the highs and lows of its own parenting journey for nearly a decade. After finding out he wasgoing to be a dad for the first time, Jals quickly discovered that almost everything online and pregnancyand parenthood related was targeted at moms and their experience with hardly anything to help newdads figure out this monumental transition in their lives.So to help this,Giles created his blog,Uthaddy.com.com.UK,
01:02which quickly became a favourite with new moms and dads all over the world,drawn in by his humour,honesty and reassurance.And I think,Charles,I have been asked so many times over the years.Anna,are there any men that do the kind of things that you do?
01:19So it's always just brilliant.And there's only,you know,there's only a few.places that I can direct people to and you're definitely now one of them. So, yeah, what's it like?What's it like being one of one of those voices for dads? And you've got three now, haven't you?Three kids. Three kids. No, it's an absolute honor. I mean, there's, there's, I think the moreyou look into it, the more of the more similar dads you'll find, you know, especially since
01:45Instagram came about, you know, that's got a great community of dads who are just like me, you know,very hands-on, very active parents who talk about what we do.And I think it encourages other dads to do the same.But yeah, if you look for them, there's a great community of dads out there.I think that's brilliant.And just sharing that paternal mental health side of things as well, because you're so right.It's all, you know, the focus is often on mothers.And actually, I was at an event yesterday.
02:17and a mum was talking about her husband having post, you know, post-natal depression as a dad.And I think, you know, knowing that there are voices out there talking about these things so that people think,oh my gosh, that's happening to me.And I need to get support for that rather than doing the historical thing of like,got to be the big, strong man.And, you know, I'm glad that that's been broken down now because it needs to be.And, yeah, you're one of the people helping do that.So how is it juggling, juggling the three?
02:50You've got two at school and you've got one downstairs at the minute.Yeah.No, it's, I mean, that's the thing.It's the juggle, isn't it?It's, I think, when you go from two to three, suddenly it's just a logistical nightmare.You've got different drop-offs, you know, each at different schools.You know, soon we'll have three different drop-offs to do in the morning and three differentcollections during the afternoon.
03:12So you do fall into a bit of a, you know, the week is just a sort of repetitive.routine, which is a lot to manage, especially for one person, which is why, you know, on theblog and in my new book, I'm really encouraged dads to be as hands-on as possible and really getinvolved in all of that to share the mental and physical load of parenting.Tell us about your book, Childs.Oh, yes, so it's just out. It's called You the Daddy, the Hands on Dad's Guide to Fatherhood.And it's really a book for first-time dads to prepare.them for every twist and turn that's going to happen during pregnancy in the first three years
03:53of parenthood. But it's more than just a baby manual. A lot of focus on the book is also aroundhow to support your partner throughout pregnancy, be that hands-on dad during those early years,which, as we all know, are some of the most challenging for new parents. But also there'syou know, sections on how important it is to also look after yourself and your own mentalhealth to allow you to be the best dad and partner that you can be. So yeah, it's out nowand very excited. Amazing. How does it feel having you the daddy, the book out with all thatamazing, like practical, but also really holistic. So talking about mental health as well andyeah, giving actual tips on like how to help because I think that's sometimes it. Sometimes
04:41when a woman is like totally frazzled, it's hard to even.and think about what the other person can do.So it sounds amazing to have, yeah, to have that advice in there.How does it feel?It feels amazing.I mean, I found this book that I wrote when I was seven and on the back.I think I did it for a school project.On the back, it said, when I'm older, I want to be a fully fledged author.
05:03And I never thought it would happen.But obviously, it has.And I think for me, it's a real, really lovely bookend to the sort of what I've been doing for years on the blogging side.Because, you know, when we've had our final baby now, and I think you do forget a lot of the detail of, oh, and the highs and lows of those early years, you know, the further away they are.And actually, I really wanted to get it down on paper to make sure all of that kind of new, that knowledge for new parents wasn't lost.and that all that advice that, you know, I've accumulated over the yearsfrom my own experience, but also from other parents like youand so many experts I've spoken to, you know, over the last decade.
05:50Amazing. What a brilliant, yeah, resource for people to have,whether it's kind of, yeah, gifted by a partner saying,I think you need to read this, so that we can really be in this togetheror whether, yeah, Dad just goes in, yeah, at 4 a.m., buys himself in Amazon,in thinking how can I help my partner what like what's going on here so yeah thank you for thatand and I love that you wrote that maybe when you were still kind of in the thick of it a little bitwith your youngest so it was all very real and active and live and you could write kind of fromexperience as well as this memory so amazing so Charles I would love to hear what is the one thing
06:30with all your wisdom and all the words that you've written over the years and the conversationsthat you've had what's the one thing that you would like to shareSo my one thing is something, I think, as parents, we don't hear enough.And that's thank you for everything you do.You know, you're doing an incredible job.You know, modern parenting is hard work.And, yeah, as jobs go, it's a pretty thankless one on a day-to-day basis.You know, there's no promotions or awards at the end of the year like any other job.
07:03You know, no annual appraisal.the kids bless them and our partners aren't always the best at saying thank youand I think in parenting so much of what we can what we do can feel sort of routine andrepetitive it's easy to fall into a trap of just going through the motions kind of expectingeach other as partners to just get on with with the day and get everything doneworking all hours.And I think it can often lead to us all sort of sharing petty annoyances with each otherrather than actually showing appreciation and positive feedback that we all need.
07:45So really, this is, I guess, a call out to people to not only in our own relationships,but with our friends who are parents to tell them what a great job they're doingand give them that positive feedback every day.That is amazing.And I think there will probably be people that have, yeah, feel quite emotional hearing that.And I wonder if it's because so often, you know, the yeah, but, you know, you're doing a great job.And the thing that came straight into my head as I heard you say that is, yeah, but you didn't see me yesterday.Yeah, but the weekend was absolute carnage.
08:22Yeah.You know, and what would you say to the people listening that are saying, yeah, Giles, like, if you really saw me,parents sometimes maybe you wouldn't say that we all go through it you know we all have good daysand bad days you know the number of times that i have finished putting the kids to bed and i you knowmy wife rosy is is making our dinner and i say i just i feel like a terrible parent you know i feelyou know i shouted i lost my temper you know it wasn't a successful end to the day you know thesethings just happen. But what I always remind myself and other parents going through that is thatyou are the, you are exactly what your children need. And you are, they love you, you're there
09:09everything. And yes, things might not always go well. You know, they, they don't behave well orthey lose their temper at the same time. You know, we're all just human. But actually no one can look afterand no one cares for your children as much as you do. And I think, you know,at the end of the day, we're only human, as I said,and we can only do as much as we can,but you are the best thing that your children have in the world,and you're giving them everything they needand teaching them things even in the bad times,
09:44which they can learn from and which you can teach them,you know, how to regulate their emotions and talk to them about it.There's a lot of positives that can still come out of these darker days.Yeah, and you're so right. We all have them. So when someone says to you, or maybe Rosie says to you, you know, Charles, you're doing, you're doing a good job. You're doing a good job, even if it's, you know, the last night had been chaos. And how do you feel when you hear those words? Are you able to absorb them? Yeah. I mean, that's what you need. I mean, we don't hear enough and that's the problem. You know, I think, I mean, I personally am someone who gets a huge amount out of, you know, words of appreciation.And I think that just gives you that little boost that you need.I mean, it often can make you upset and trigger something in you.You know, it's like when you're right on the edge and someone comes and gives you a hug and you break down.That's it.
10:44But actually, you need those little moments in your day.You know, if you feel that way, it's for a reason.And I think it's up to all of us as parents to support each other.I saw you.You actually did a great post about it the other day.We need to as parents encourage and support each other.A hundred percent agree with that.You know, there's no one else is going to tell you or really understand what we're going
11:13through like another parent.Yeah.And I think it's overlooking that perfection, isn't it?And I often think, you know, my bookshelf is actually.absolutely like jam-packed with books telling me how to parent really well and like what'ssaying these situations and what to do in response to that and you know often when it comes down toit in stressful moments and we're in fight or fly we can't access all that stuff and it's all justmessy and and I think sometimes it's amazing that we've got all these resources but as a result
11:42sometimes it's as if we believe that there is this perfect parent and we can just function fromthat place all the time and that's where our bar is.and it's not, it's just not possible.In the book, I make it clear right up front on the opening pages,you know, this isn't about being the perfect parent.There's no such thing.You know, we all do it in the best way that we canand with our own values and hopes and aspirations for our families.
12:13And I think, you know, we have to have that confidence in ourselvesthat actually we're coming from the right place.place, our heart's in the right place and what we're asking of our children and what we expectto ourselves. And I think the more books that you have and the more you read about all of thesethings, yes, we might not follow them all the time, but just the fact that you've bought thatbook and you've read it, it's a signal of actually how much you care and how good your intentionsare. And I think, you know, we shouldn't forget that, even if we sometimes, you know,don't succeed as we want to. Yeah. I take great comfort in
12:51the fact that there are so many statistics. I mean, they're, there's a little bit conflicting,but there's loads of research done by lots of different, like parenting child psychologists,and they've done all of these studies and they've concluded that if we get it right,one of them's 50% of the time, says if we get it right 50% of the time, you know,our children will be in a good place. And there's another one that's even more reassuring that saysif we get it right 30% at the time, and you think, gosh, like I don't have to get it right all the time.And I think, as you said, but there's so much to learn when we do get it wrong and we take responsibility and we sit with our children's responses and we apologize and we teach them.We're teaching them about disappointment. We're teaching them about conflict and emotional how to deal with our emotions and other people and want to take responsibility for and how to apologize.
13:44So that's like important life learning that if we got it right all the time,How would our kids learn that?Yeah, I totally agree.I think, and I think apologising to our children is actually a great thing.Obviously, you know, not all the time for everything,but when we lose our tempo, we realise we've gone too far,actually sitting down and saying, I'm really sorry, you know,I'm very tired and I've been stressed and I shouldn't have said that to you.
14:14And actually, you can see something turn on in their heads,a little light switchas they get itthat we're humanand we all make mistakesand actually the power of an apologynot justupwards to a parent
14:31but actually down to our children tooso powerfulbecause I think children arewhen we're littlewe're egocentric which basicallywe feel like everythingis because of us somehowso someone's crossed
14:42it's because we're not rightor we've done something wrongwhen actuallyyou know that verysimple butpowerful act of taking responsibility is saying to a child, you're not bad. I just wasn'tresponding in a way that I wanted to. You know, it's not your fault. It's because I'm tiedand grumpy, not because you're bad. Yeah. So yeah, I think you're absolutely right. It's big,
15:07it's big stuff, isn't it? And I wonder how many people listening remember their parentsapologising, taking responsibility. I don't know. Do you?I think my mum was quite good at that, yeah.My mum was.But I think probably she's a therapist, so she's very, yeah, she's a counsellor.She's wired in that way.So she taught me a lot.But I think, you know, a lot of people I work with, a lot of friends of mine are taking
15:41this responsibility and apologising to their children and recognising how,their kind of childhood might, you know, how things come out of us when we're under pressure,basically. And doing all of these things and learning all of this stuff that wasn't modeled tothem. And I think it's sometimes we underestimate quite how much of an incredible thing that that isthat we are doing, parenting in a different way. Yeah. It takes a lot of energy and intention to dothings out of, yeah, out of what's being modeled to you. But I think,It's so important.I think, you know, as we've sort of learnt mistakes of previous generations
16:26in lots of ways, you know, whether that's, you know, sharing the mental loador actually being supportive, you know, actually being hands-on dads, for example,you know, in the same way, I think the way that we talk to our children is so different as well.And, you know, maybe in the next generation, they'll do it completely differentlyand they'll correct some of the mistakes that we made.But I think that's the cycle that we all go through as parents and as children.So it's a completely natural thing to do.I think sometimes do you think we fear that our children,
17:02as a generation we fear that our children will be struggling with the same thingsthat we struggle with and worrying about the same things we worry aboutor I get a lot of moms saying I don't, you know,I want to help my child not become a people pleaser or anxious like I am.and actually the very fact that we are doing things differentlyand that, you know, there are dads that are changing nappiesand getting on the floor and playing with their kidswhere, you know, older family members in my family
17:27were say, we never changed a nappy.We didn't do that.So the next generation have already had a very different experience of childhood.Yeah.And not to underestimate that.Yeah, I mean, the one thing that I try and do every day,especially with my boysis to tell them I love them
17:48I'm not sureI heard that a huge amountI know that my fatherdid love me but he didn'tsay it all the timeand I really want my boysto be able to express their emotionsand actually
18:04know that they're loved andfeel that safetyso that they can bewell-roundedboys that aren'tyou don't get faced or distracted by the same toxic masculinitythat we all did in the late 90s or mid-90s.So that's really been my big focus as a dad.
18:30Yeah, Charles, thank you for all that you do and share.And I encourage, you know, everyone especially, you know,the dad's listening to go and grab a copy of you, the daddy.But to finish off and also just go and probably readthe massive backlog of, you know, the, yeah, the huge resource that is your blog,that people can go and find things that resonate with where they are at, that you wrote whenyou were there and benefit from all the kind of insight and conversations that you've,you've had with people. But to finish off, I would love to ask you, what is the one thing
19:06that, that you love doing to make you feel good? Yeah, I've really struggled with this because there'sthere's ones which are just for meand then there are others which areus all togetherbut for mepersonally I love to go to the cinemaon my ownget a big
19:27big old bag of popcornand just completelyyeah exactlyno sharing no questionsabout it and just completelyallowed myself in another worldfor two hoursI'm amazing
19:41I started doing it in sort of in my early 20s, and I just, just love it.It's just completely.That's amazing.I wasn't expecting that.I don't know what I was expecting.We get a lot of people that, you know, just find their just, yeah, just love goingfor walks and like engaging in certain sports, but cinema going for a solo cinema trip.Oh, yeah.
20:04That sounds amazing.And how often do you, how often do you get to do that?Not enough.Not enough.I probably do it two or three times.year at the moment.That's a great idea.There's not that many films out either, so.
20:18Yeah, cinema is different now, isn't it?Probably not quieter in there, which might be a good thing.Yeah.I didn't recommend it to anyone.Yeah.Well, maybe I'm going to do that.And also, you don't have to have one of those conversations with someone about,do you want to watch this kind of film?
20:34Yeah.No agreements come to.You just watch what you want to watch.Yeah.Well, thank you.Jals, thank you so much for.for joining me today and yeah I encourage everyone to go and check out you the daddy.com.UK and go and find you on Instagram. We've got some great like really, you know,
20:50just kind of like humorous commentary as well on parenting. But the honesty I think isis a thing that is a real, yeah, that's a real gift. So thank you for joining me.Thanks so much. So lovely to chat.I am so excited to announce that my brand new book, The Uncomfortable Truth,Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears is available for pre-order nowand is out on the 8th of August and in this book we tackle some of life's big unavoidableuncomfortable truths such as some people don't like me I am going to fail life isn't fairbad things will happen and in this book we tackle these big uncomfortable trees that rob us
21:33have so much headspace and energy as we try and control and avoid them and as we moveinto a place of radical acceptance of these truths you will find yourself living more freelyand intentionally with more presence and confidence than ever before so come on this journeywith me and pre-order now at ward stones and amazon we can celebrate together
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