The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Hellen Wills on the truth about the teenage years

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

On this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to Helen Wills, blogger at Actually Mummy and mum of teens about her One Thing that she'd tell all the other mums. And it's great news - Helen's one thing is that we should not be fearful of the teenage years!Helen set up her blog, Actually Mummy, 11 years ago when her children were small. You can enjoy it here https://actuallymummy.co.ukHelen also talks about parenting teens on her podcast, Teenage Kicks. You can listen here https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/teenage-kicks-podcast/id1501488455The podcast aims to show that families can and do get through hard things with their teens, and offers inspiration to parents dealing with similar stories to Helen's guests. Helen's Instagram @iamhelenwills is a mix of midlife stories (fashion with colour, not 'growing old gracefully' and sloping off into retirement) and her own thoughts on life with teenagers. You can also join Helen's Facebook group 'Teenage Kicks' where you can share the trials and tribulations of parenting teens. Here's the link https://www.facebook.com/groups/486393358908628

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of the Therapy Edit, whether you're walking the dog or you're on the way back from a school drop off. It's so good to speak to you today. And I have got with me, Helen Wills, she is a mum of teens. And I found her on Instagram.

I think maybe Alison Perry had shared one of her posts. And I went straight to her page and I started looking down. And I just felt this huge weight come off my shoulders. I didn't even realize it was there. And it's so basically Helen talks all about parenting. teenagers. And as a mum of young children, often I'm at the receiving end of, if just you wait, you think this is hard now, just you wait. And Helen's page and everything she does, she's got a podcast called Teenage Kicks. It's all about taking the fear out of parenting teens. She's a blogger and her blog is called Actually Mummy. And everything she does is all about just kind of just wanting to give us hope for the future. And it's the antidote to all of that kind of scaremongering. I loved a post that she did and she just shares some words and she says three hours and A&E with my teen and watching all the mothers of bored toddlers has reminded me how pleased I am to have teenagers. Hashtag it gets better.

So, yeah, Helen, it gets better. That is so hopeful, such a balm. I can't wait to hear more of what you've got to share. How are you today? I'm really good. Thank you. I'm so pleased to be here. I've just got such a buzz listening to you, describe all of that because that's exactly the

message that I want to give people. And you do. And it just leapt out of your page at me. And I, you know, sometimes you see something and you read it and you didn't know how much you needed it. So as the years go by, I'm going to be consuming even more and more of your everything that you've put out there. So I'm grateful that all those podcasts are going to be there for me as I approach those

times. So yeah, thank you. Well, no, thank you. It's brilliant to be able to share, share the message. And actually, since you shared my page, I've had lovely people just popping into my messages and saying, I feel seen. I've just had one this morning. I feel seen. Because my kids now call me, or actually one of them doesn't anymore, but one of them still calls me bruh instead of mum. I saw that as well that you put on your page, like the four stages of like mom naming. And the first one was like, mama, then it was mummy, then it was mum. And then it was like, brough. I loved it. Oh, I loved it. But still, there's something really friendly and like, you know, I love that. Yeah. No, I know that I'm in a good place with my kids if they call me brough or fam or queen. I know I've done good. Oh, wow. I love that. I've got it all ahead. I asked my mum what her favorite age was of us thinking, you know, she was either going to say like that adults where we, you know, we can do nice things together and we're kind of speaking on more of a level or whether it was going to be like,

the baby stage and she said, I loved every stage. Yeah. There was something different about every stage that I loved. And I just found that so helpful and encouraging that, you know, I think there is a lot of that scaremongering, that kind of fear-based, well, just, just you wait. You think this is hard now. You just wait until they're teenagers. You just wait until they don't want to talk to you.

They're just grunting. And yeah. So basically, bring us you one thing, please. Helen, what's the one thing that you want to share with this? Don't be scared of teenage years. Just don't be scared. It's such a waste of your time. And because like your mom said, I've loved every stage,

but also as some of your posts occasionally make me feel, I hated every stage as well. I've loved and hated every stage and I love and hate this stage. In the same way as all the previous stages, it's less physically exhausting, but it's maybe a bit more emotionally exhausting. But then if you're the kind of parent that I am, every stage is exhausting because I'm constantly second-guessing myself. Am I doing the right thing?

Am I doing the best thing for my kids? Is my relationship with them good enough? Is it better than the one I have with my own mum? And I just think we strive for everything to be perfect. And so it can't be perfect. And that's why I love some of your posts so much. you posted one just recently, and I just went, oh, thank you, because it's really hard to admit sometimes that you're struggling and it's tough. And I think you said I feel lonely. And you can

feel lonely surrounded by your children at any age. But just don't be scared of the teenage years. I wasted so much of my time and energy when my kids were younger, feeling scared. Like if it's, if it's like this now, how bad is it going to be in seven years time? And I remember, I'm going to quote that one specifically because my daughter at around the age of seven, I think hormones kick in then. I don't want to stereotype, but maybe for girls, that's when they kick in. They don't imagine it starts at 11. It started at 7 for her. And I was having a nightmare with her. She was defiant, argumentative, hysterically upset at times, not easy at school. And I remember sitting there one night and thinking, oh my God, when she's 14, thinking that this would be an incremental advancement of rage of hers, she's going to be climbing out of her window because she's got a roof outside her window to go off and meet boys and sneak into clubs illegally and drink alcohol. And I was convinced and I spent so, so much of my energy worrying

about that. And it could not have turned out to be less true. Oh, wow. She's, yeah, she's a really feisty 17 year old now, but at no point has she tried to do any of the horrible things that I imagined I would have on my plate. So it's just not worth being scared. You just never, you just never know. And I think I've got two questions. So my first one is, you know, you say don't fear. being a parent of teens. I think we're told so many reasons to fear it. We're told so many stories like the, you know, the climbing out on the roof and the grunting and all of that.

So I'd love to ask you, why not? Why shouldn't we fear it? And then my other one was, what can we do, those of us who have young children at the moment, how can we start investing in our relationship with our kids in a way that's going to serve us well or a little better when they're teens? because I love the fact that you get called, bra. And, you know, that shows kind of a fondness

and a relationship and a connection. And I think, you know, that doesn't start there, does it? You know, that starts, like, rewind it back. That starts where I am. So what could be the two questions. Why shouldn't we fear it? And what can those of us with young kids do now, just something little to invest in, you know, the future, that connection.

Yeah, really good questions. So why we shouldn't fear it, I really try to take every day at a time, just one day at a time, because you actually don't know what you're going to be dealing with tomorrow. And I had no idea. In truth, I do believe that feisty girl is what's turned her into such a resilient person today. She's smart. She makes good decisions. She makes terrible decisions too.

she learns from them and it's how it's how it's how we grow with them and that leads into your next question it's it's really really straightforward from my point of view anyway I've literally just communicated with them at every point I've told them when I'm uncomfortable with what they've done when I'm happy with what they've done when I'm proud um how I feel if I've told them sorry when I've lost my, lost my crap for one of a better word and yelled at them. I've just been really open. When they've asked me questions and they don't really anymore, that's the sad part. But they ask their friends questions now. But when they were little and they asked me questions, I would tell them everything I could as honestly as I could in a way that wouldn't scare

them. So the things that are really scary that I know parents worry about, and I did coming up to adolescents are social media, drugs and alcohol, all the knife crime stories in the newspapers. I was asked about all of those things when they were little. And as soon as they asked me, I told them. So I remember very specifically, my son was only 10 and there was a big headline in the local newspaper about a knife crime involving young people. And he saw it and he asked me. And I, my mom would have said, oh, you don't need to worry about that. It's just something not, it's nowhere near us and put it in the bin. And I read the article to him and explained as, well, I just read it with him and explained as I went what might have happened and asked him

if he had any questions. And he asked me some questions. And I honestly just, it's a bit like that conversation when they're, mine were three and six when they asked me how big. And he asked me, babies are made. And I just said, well, you know, half from the dad, half from the mom. And I left it there. And then the next time they asked, they asked me, how did it physically happen? And I practically described it without any of the detail. It's continuing that all the way through. And then being clear about how I feel and accepting their feelings and encouraging them to name their feelings. And I can't say that I've done a magic job. I beat myself up. every day, as I used to, for things that I wish I'd done differently, got better.

Did I pry too much into the girlfriend, boyfriend situation now that I've made them shut down and not want to tell me? You know, all the same stuff, just a different topic. But just trying to, the fact that we've got communication channels open makes it easier for us to have those conversations. And going back to the reasons not to be scared, there will be days. are there are plenty of days when they're monosyllabic and don't want to talk to me. And I know that those are the days that I can't ask about problems at school

or things I've seen on social media that I might not be pleased about. I just take a breath and bide my time. And it comes out of the woodwork eventually. Yeah. Because you've probably because you've got that, you know, all of that foundation of that connection that you started building at a young age. That builds trust, doesn't it really? Yeah, I think so.

Or it doesn't come out of the woodwork. And this is the hardest bit I find of parenting teens is that you don't actually know everything about their lives and nor should you. So a friend of mine just recently said, she's got kids exactly the same age. I feel like I'm making myself redundant slowly every day. And I thought, well, that's exactly what our job is as parents. From birth to the time they leave home, our job is to make ourselves redundant. And that's the hardest part.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot, you know, it is a loss. And I think there are little griefs along the way in parenting, aren't there? There are the different stages you kind of, you leave them behind. And then sometimes you reflect and you think, yeah, that was a change. That was a kind of a letting. go another level of letting go that is it's healthy to it's healthy to be done and I think as a therapist one of the best things that a client might say to me is you know I was doing this thing and I suddenly

thought wait a minute what what would Anna say you know what would my therapist say and it's that hope that the clients over time will start internalizing that compassionate grounding voice that you are being to them in that therapy room and I guess with parenting it's kind of a similar thing, like you're investing and you're teaching and you're answering and you're grappling and you're doing these things with them so that one day when they're choosing a partner or when they're going through a challenge, they might, you know, they've got that to utilize and they've got those tools that you spent those years just trying to give them. And they're, they're there, they're kind of, they're inside them. They've kind of internalized them and

yeah exactly that it's um i i said this to so many people because i do get messages and oh god how do you do it i'm so scared and you have to trust yourself that you've done a good enough job up until now you've taught them all of those things as you say that they can now take that and experiment by themselves and if it goes wrong you don't need to always step in and rescue they'll tell you if they want you to and then you have to trust that when they don't, they're finding their own way around it. Yeah. It's a real letting go, isn't it? It's a relinquishing of, you know, I think we get, you have a lot of input when they're small, don't you? You can choose the play dates. You can, you can choose even what they

eat and how they're spending their time sometimes. You're kind of putting that structure in place, but then I guess the older they get, the less, you know, the less hands on. That is and the more kind of relinquishing that control then over slowly over to them they get to choose and they might not always choose what you would want for them yeah but it's that yeah trust yeah and then they and they don't and they choose not to tell you the things that you want to know because instead they're going to their peer group that's more important to them at that time and it's i've read all the the science behind it and it's so logical but as mothers i'd say that's the hardest job is allowing them to be free of you and trusting.

And I listen to people on Instagram who have got kids in their adult years or away at university. I hang on to their words thinking, I just hope I've done it well enough that they'll come back because people keep saying, oh, they'll come back. Don't worry. You need to let them go and they'll come back. I'm like, yeah, please. Yeah. Well, thank you so much.

I have got some quickfire questions for you, just four little ones. don't think too much about them but helen what is our motherhood high for you oh when my kids share something with me willingly i will put aside everything you know that thing of it gives someone all of your attention and be present in the moment i've really learned to do that with teenagers um if they look like they're planning on talking to me for any length of time it doesn't matter or what I'm doing, I will put that time aside and it feels so great to be part, to feel like I'm part of their world. That's lovely.

And that's such a, it's also such a tip for us, moms of younger ones, you know, to take that opportunity to do it at this age. So it's kind of like starting a habit, isn't it? That, you know, we can start doing that now. We're so often multitasking and it's just another noise in the background, but actually just stopping and building that. you know, giving them that impression, that care and that desire for connection is something we can start doing now. And then a motherhood low for you? Oh, anytime my kids are

upset, especially now that they're teenagers, I cannot, literally cannot get involved. They don't want me involved. You know, when they're little and they've got friendship issues, for example, and you're torn between shall I speak to the other parent, shall they speak to someone at school, what shall I do? They don't even want my advice. They just want to be able to offload their trauma onto me. Yeah, that's always the hardest thing.

When they're struggling with something and they're sad, seeing my kid's sad. Yeah, yeah. And what's one thing that makes you feel good? Something that makes feel good. Anything. Taking time to go and, read. I think there's there's something about the kids not being around as much that makes me

feel compelled to work, earn money, do as much in my business as I can. And I can wear myself down and feel tired reminding myself in those moments that it's not a good idea to eat a chocolate biscuit and plow on through and do 10 minutes of work in an hour. It's a better idea to go and sit on the sofa and treat myself to half an hour with a book. Yeah, yeah, I love that. No, really helpful. And finally, how would you describe motherhood in three words? Oh, just in a nutshell.

I think I would say joyful, draining and sometimes scary. Yeah, absolutely. No, I relate. Well, thank you, sir. much and I encourage people to go and find you on Instagram at Helen. I am Helen Wells and just if you're a mom of younger children allow her words and funny funny little quotes and just insight of being a parent of teenagers to be that barn to that that that scaremongering that we're often at the end of and also if you if you are a parent of teens or you know

anyone who is approaching that then send them Helen's way and just have a list of to Teenage Kicks, the podcast, where Helen really does help take that fear out of parenting teen. So thank you so much for what you do. And thank you for coming to speak with me. Oh, thanks, Anna. It's been really nice chatting. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and

my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a mum. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamara.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.