The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Illy Morrison on healing from trauma

Episode Date: December 31, 2021

On this episode of The Therapy Edit's 'One thing', Anna Mathur interviews Illy MorrisonIlly's one thing she'd like to impart to other parents is not to compare your emotional responses to things, touching on birth trauma and shameTo find out more about Illy: Visit her website at https://mixingupmotherhood.comFollow her on Instagram @mixing.up.motherhoodPreorder her book The Birth Debrief at https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1529417015?keywords=the+birth+debrief&qid=1629969186&sr=8-3&linkCode=sl1&tag=birthdebrief-21&linkId=0d8a78f07dc6bd0d25597ae67a4a8f0d&language=en_GB&ref_=as_li_ss_tl

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me for the next 15 minutes as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Welcome to today's One Thing. I'm really looking forward to sharing today's guest with you and hearing from Ily Morrison. So Ily's Instagram is mixing up motherhood where you can find out everything that she does. She is an advocate for women around birth and birth trauma.

And I love her. She is articulate. She is compassionate. She is wise and she is honest. Ily is a mother, a midwife, a birth debrief facilitator. And amazingly, she has. a book coming out next June. Oh, that makes me think of summer. I know. I hope it's warm then. I hope it's warm then. And that book is called the birth debrief. And what a gift it is going to be. It's a birth reflecting on pregnancy, reframing birth and redefining postpartum. And that is available for preorder now. So I will certainly be preordering that because if your words are anything to go by Ili, what a powerful read that is going to be. What a handholding supportive, empowering reads. So welcome. How are you today? Thank you so much. I'm well. You know,

when people introduce me, I always end up a little bit humbled, I suppose. I'm just like, oh, oh, that's nice. What a nice thing to say. But yes, I am well. I am cold, probably like everyone else in this country, but otherwise I am brilliant. Yeah, I think the bio thing is quite something, isn't it, being summarised. And whenever, I don't know if anyone's watching this part of the video, but it's always that awkward thing. Like, what do I, do I just smile? It's, you're right, it is, it is humbling, but it is also very true, really, thank you. Thank you for joining us. So, the question that I posed to our guests is this, if you could share one thing with the mothers that are listening today, what would that, what would that one thing be?

So my one thing is going to be about the perception of your experiences and how important it is. It's super easy to be like, oh, do you know what, actually I'm being dramatic or I'm imagining it or, you know, so-and-so doesn't find it so bad or maybe I'm weak, maybe I'm this, you know, always really easy to be like trying to convince yourself it's something else or something it's not. And the reality is, is first and foremost, how we experience things and how we feel about them is actually the most important thing. And what's secondary to that is what actually happened. And a lot of people don't really get that because they focus so much and, well, you know, let's talk about, for example, in your maternity notes. Maternity notes may say vaginal birth with foreseps, mother well, baby well, blood loss normal, right? And it's like, oh, okay, yeah, well, on paper, that sounds absolutely fine.

Yet, you as an individual felt scared, felt that you feel traumatised, you felt that it was out of control, you felt that it was anything but normal. You didn't feel well, but reading that might make you think, well, actually, maybe it was all fine then and maybe I shouldn't feel this way. The reality is that's not true. How you feel is vital because you should come away feeling like actually I'm okay. And if you're not, then that's the problem, not what anyone else says is normal, what anyone else says happened.

So, yeah, and that's with all of our experiences across motherhood. So, you know, someone might say low risk pregnancy, but you're dealing with an anxiety about your pregnancy that perhaps isn't clinical. more of an emotional anxiety and so it doesn't feel low risk to you or they might say toddler reaching all their milestones and yet you don't think they are and you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed by it or you're just not enjoying it or whatever how you feel is so so important and so my one thing is give yourself the validation of allowing yourself to feel and living authentically in the truth of your experience oh powerful stuff so I think what really stuck out to me there was

You know, it's all when a good seeing the words on a page or, you know, I think often we say, you know, on paper, it was good or on paper, you know, it was this relationship, this experience, it was great. Therefore, we can often then use that to shame the emotions that come with it. So it's about kind of validating and focusing on your lived experience of what on paper might look any way. it might look simple and straightforward, but actually how you experienced it is the most important thing. Yeah. And I think that's where my work comes in. That's where my Instagram comes in. And everything that I'm doing is always about saying, well, how do you feel about that? Well, are you okay about it? And what do you think? Because two people could have had the exact same experience, but their perception of that experience could be wildly different. Yet if you hear that person talking about a birth, it sounds the same as yours and they're just, oh, yeah, that's absolutely. fine like I'm cool you could then be like oh what like why am I not okay this is where shame envelopes us continuously that embarrassment the guilt you know the feelings of inadequacy and they impact our whole experiences as parents and as partners and just as people and so it's like no no no no no

it's okay it's okay that I don't have the same perception or the same feeling about my experience as that person did, that's great that they feel that way. But equally, we aren't the same person. And so why on earth would we have the same perception of an experience? And so giving yourself that, and every time those thoughts crop up, like someone saying, oh, I think that the baby stage is the best, and you think that the baby stage is absolutely terrible, it's okay. You aren't the same people. You haven't had the same lived experiences. And I promise you, no matter how similar your experience is sound, they are not the same. So it's telling yourself that all the time.

I think often we jump to kind of identify, don't we? And to find similarities when actually you're so right, we go into it differently. We experience it differently. We come out of it differently because we all have completely different stories and experiences and resources and relationships and support networks. So therefore, no matter how similar these experiences look, they are not. Therefore, we cannot use someone else's story as a measure of how well we have or how we've, you know, how we've coped with it and whether what we're feeling is valuable and valid. Exactly.

I think what's important to know as well is it's not always with a negative thing. This can be with something positive as well that you could be on the flip side of it where you're like, oh, I'm really loving this. And someone else can go, I hate it. And like Anna just said, like you just said, that kind of thing of really. wanting to identify, you go, you might downplay your own sort of joy. Or you might be like, oh, well, I can't sound like I'm too happy about my birth. Can't sound like I'm too happy about my baby sleeping through the night. So I'll just rein it in a little bit. And it's like, no, no, if it's good for you, then this is good. And bask in the glory of that joy because you're

deserving. And if it's not, then it's not. But you don't need to downplay or invalidate good things or bad things for anyone that's so empowering because I think the the less we fear are other people's experiences validating or invalidating ours and allowing that to happen I guess then the less we fear that ours may do that for other people we can't take responsibility for how other people process what what they see of our journeys exactly it's really important to be like well hold on am I triggering someone, am I upsetting someone, or are they upset or are they triggered? You know, when we look, you know, actions are backed by intention.

What is your intention when you're telling your story? Is it to be like, oh, I just wanted to share that with you? Or is it that you actually want to upset them? Because you can't base how you feel about telling your story on how they've responded to it. Everyone is going through their own things. they've got their own triggers and their own things that upset them. And you have to remember that. So, you know, when I say, I love the toddler phase.

I'm not saying that to make you feel like you're rubbish because you're not enjoying it. I'm saying it to just be authentically truthful. And so it's that as well. It's that kind of thinking, hold on, this has impacted me. I don't like the way it's made me feel the way she's told what she's telling me. But is it because of what she's telling me or is it because of myself? So constantly checking ourselves, what are we triggered or are we, you know, is that person out to trigger us? Yeah.

Which often is so delicate in mothering because we are, we're sort of on like high alert a lot of the time. We feel defensive. We can feel like everyone's watching us or like we're getting it wrong, you know, continuously getting it wrong. And it's like, you know, actually when we find our people and we find that safety where we can be ourselves, no. that those people aren't out to get you just because they're sharing part of their experience it's just sharing and that's what you know it goes back to finding your safe people your safe place because there are some people who's you know whose intentions might be different but you know just just think about it before you feel and respond and you know

think oh did they did they do that to trigger me or am I triggered and then why am I triggered and can I reflect inwards rather than responding or reacting outwards yeah Yeah. So how can I go back to my emotional experience and validate and give that space and process that? So I'm less likely to be comparing and triggered and then sitting in that shame where we get stuck and we might not seek help because we've invalidated that. We've invalidated it. That's so powerful. Oh, so much to think about. Thank you. Thank you so much, Ellie. What a brilliant, poignant bit of advice. Yeah, I think we do it a lot, don't we? We do. And to be honest with you, we just end up sitting in it. We sit in constant comparison. We sit in constant shame, constant guilt, constant inadequacy. And it's like, this is exhausting. Like, it's exhausting. Why do we have to experience mothering like this? Why do we have to experience parenting like this? And, you know, it is normal. It's normal. Society is set up that way. But equally at some, equally at some point, we have to shake it off. And we have to go, actually, what do I want? You know, how do I want to feel? How do I want to live? How can I get that? Who do I need around me to achieve that? What do I need to get rid of? Is it Instagram pages? Is it mom and baby groups? Is it this friend? Is it my mother-in-law? Or is it, you know, how can I create this space where I can authentically be me and, and, you know, my experiences be valid. Yeah.

So that's what I want to leave you. I love that. Taking responsibility back for our own journeys and the validity of our own journeys. Thank you so much, Ily. So I finish off with a quick fire round. Are you ready? I'm ready. So, Ellie, what is motherhood high for you?

I'm going to be completely honest because this is me. my motherhood high, 100% has to be dropping my toddler at nursery. Like, I feel like I give so much and to allow myself the space to breathe and to reconnect with myself and to then be able to reappear as a mother again is the biggest gift I could give myself. Oh, that is brilliant. I absolutely love that. And what is a motherhood low, a motherhood challenge for you?

A motherhood challenge for me is actually just the constant juggle, that maternal load. Because equally with that motherhood high comes the kind of guilt or the, you know, the, oh, well, I should be filling my time or I should be cleaning or I should be tidying up or I should be working or, you know, has she got this, how she got that, has she got the other? Because as much as she might not be there, she's still in my head. So managing that and then with another baby on the way thinking, God, how am I going to do that? So it's the juggle definitely has its low moments. But I try to give myself grace. Brilliant. And that's what I advise you to do.

Juggle with grace. Brilliant. So Ellie, what is one thing that makes you feel good? What makes me feel good? Do you know what? My job makes me feel so good. And I never thought when I trained as a midwife and even when I was working as a midwife

clinically. I never felt good in the way that I feel good now, but being able to give people the validation of their experiences, their traumas, their struggles and telling them it's okay and seeing those lightbulb moments and that, you know, the kind of, it's, it really is like a physical relief you can see. The shoulders drop and the face, like, you know, isn't so tense anymore it's like it is so joyous for me so that yeah that your work well your work makes us feel good early so the feeling the feeling is mutual then obviously so how would you describe motherhood in three words yeah motherhood in three words um i would describe it as being foggy delightful and what's the word i'm looking for it's that one that one that

makes you check yourself, you know, like kind of like humbling, like that ego, that ego check that it gives you. If anyone is going to put you in your place really, really quickly, it'll be your child. Yeah, what's the word for that kind of when it just, it just shines a light on it on you. It's like exposing almost, isn't it? It is exposing. It is. See the best and the worst of yourself and all of the bits that have been hidden away in the corners with a flashlight. Oh, thank you so much for joining us. And I encourage everyone listening to go and check out. to your Instagram and have a look at your book, because that is going to be such a gift to people. So thank you so much, Ili.

Thank you for everything that you do and for sharing your wisdom with us today. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mothers' mental and emotional wellbeing. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.