The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Irsa Saleem on finding the positive in every situation

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to fashion, family and lifestyle influencer about her One Thing; pulling something positive, no matter how small, out of every situation.Irsa Saleem is a talented and diverse creator focussing on high-quality fashion, beauty, lifestyle, and parenting content. Irsa’s content primarily sits across Instagram and YouTube but more recently her husband, Marcus, and daughters Mia and Alaia joined forces to set up @TheRenzFamily TikTok account. A relatable, personable, and natural storytelling approach with her audience allows Irsa to share light-hearted and fun content that they easily engage with. As well as touching on more sensitive conversations including her religion and her approach to motherhood and parenting.We hope you love this conversation.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I am so excited to you. have with me, Elsa. She is a talented and diverse creator focusing on high quality fashion,

beauty, lifestyle and parenting content. She shares on Instagram and YouTube and more recently, lots of wonderful family content over on the Wrens family TikTok account. I've tried to get into TikTok. I've been really good at watching the videos over lockdown. I was like they were giving me life, but yeah, actually doing my own stuff. Fizzled. Fizzled. She shares lightheartedly. and fun content, but also touches on more sensitive subjects such as her religion and her approach to motherhood and parenting. Now, I had a lovely little moment before we logged on, just scrolling her beautiful brand called Saza Official. And it's like, it's like full of stylish comfort, laid back, effortless style, think gorgeous, tailored blazers and like cozy cohorts, which is everything we feel

like wearing at the moment, but just done so beautifully so that you could just proudly wear it out of the house. A lot of my loungeware, I could not do that with. So I'm looking forward to exploring more. But hi, how are you? Yeah, I'm good. Thank you. Apart from the sniffles, sorry. Yeah, no, we've both got the sniffles. How's your morning been? It's been okay. Yeah, I was literally just pottering around, tidying up, you know, the usual, sent one off to school, the other ones in the caught at the minute, but she's with her dad, so she's all good. So it's been quite a calm morning, which is nice, a bit of a change. We were running late for nursery, but you know, that's a day-to-day challenge. Isn't it? Like, I just find no matter how on top of it we are, it all just goes wonky

at the last minute we end up tearing around. Honestly, like, I could set her uniform out for the full week, because I think that's the issue, but it's not, it's like, I'll say you're the issue. It's me. I've accepted that now. You're the issue, really. All the best, all the best intentions. So you have lots of different strings to your bow, don't you? Lots of different content that you're producing, things that you're kind of really diving into on social media topics and current affairs. And what really kind of likes your fire at the moment? What are you really enjoying doing? I think for me, it's more the wholesome aspect. I think especially in times, obviously where there's so much going on, whether it's

in the world or even, I think little things like the weather changing can make people's mood completely different. It's just about trying to embrace the changes. And for me, it's always about like the positive attitude and the positive spin you can put on something. So for me, it's just that wholesome content with like the kids at the minute. I'm just enjoying doing the day-to-day vlogging with them, like the little TikToks that just show how crazy hectic a day can be of wanting a business, having two kids and then everything in between it as well. I think that for me is going with a little cute OOTD, a nice little outfit video is just the little things.

Yeah, but do you know what? I sometimes go on social media just for inspiration on what to wear that day because I've got a wardrobe of lovely clothes. And sometimes you just look at it all or anything, same world, same mold, but actually just having some inspiration, how to put something that you already have together. Yeah, 100%. And for me, I like to focus more on the pieces that you have.

have. Like, I don't often go and do, like, massive holes. And, you know, I mean, who's got the time and the money to constantly be buying all the new things and then just constantly swapping changing, which I get, it's so easy to get caught up in it, because obviously everyone loves like having something new. But a lot of the times, like, I am wearing my same cohorts again because it's easy to chuck it on and just like the kids are in the same cohorts again. Or like, you've got the same jacket. I mean, I've paid for it. I'm going wearing more than once like yeah and it's nice to have that inspiration where i always feel like if someone's particularly like bought a piece maybe because i've recommended it to then then show like

multiple ways of hiking and then wear that piece because realistically no one's going to wear it once and then not touch it again because that's number one not very great for yourself the environment your bank and everything else in between but it's nice to appreciate your pieces and get the wear out of them um so yeah that inspiration for me i look for that as well and i love that when someone's able to like really we work and re-wear pieces and show you different ways and it's versatile for me I'm like and comfortable that's the other thing that strikes me about your feed is like the the simple comfort it's like comfort but make it stylish and feel good rather than just feel like a slob which is what I often feel like but you know there's there's space for that too there's space for

that too so the question that we ask all our guests here is if you could share one thing with all the mums of all the different wisdom that you have, experience, all the different areas of work that you enjoy. What would that one thing be? For me, I think for anyone that's sort of been on my motherhood journey with me, because I think I've quite hopefully shared quite a lot of it, is it's always been, it'll sound very simple, but it's the positive attitude to have. It's been able to train your brain into no matter how dire or harder situation is, is to find the one good thing in that situation and I know some people might be sat there thinking well actually there's some pretty bad situations out there and I've had to sort of practice what

I preach with that as well because trust me I've had my fair share of like the really the lows and the down situation and what's the worst thing that anyone can you know come across during their lifespan is you know the loss of someone for example that's something that I think can mentally take you into a complete different place and when it comes to parenting, how you feeling is how you parent and I always think I'll just keep you going.

Try to find and there always will be that one thing that's positive and you can think I've got that out of the situation and that's what I need to hold on to no matter how small it is. And like I said, even from the loss of someone like I've had to learn that myself and take heed of my own advice

as someone would say and really hold on to that and sort of put that into my lifestyle to then take my mindset to a completely different place and I also think it goes into just little things of your reaction like for example if my daughter will spill something

my immediate reaction isn't like oh my God really like what have you done like need to clean it up it's just to look at it and sometimes I just end up laughing at it and that's not like I know something like I can't laugh because then teaches them like it's bad behaviour because you have to look at the situation. They've not done it on purpose. No, it's not, it's not like

bad behaviour, is it? Because they, yeah, they didn't just say, I'm just going to knock this over right now, just for fun. Although my kids sometimes quite possibly. Yeah, I love this. Yeah, it's just about, basically, the one thing about having that positive attitude is that you then dictate how that situation turns out. And whether that's parenting and that's just lifestyle in general, for me, I always think like, when I think, like, when I think, back to my childhood. I remember a lot more of the bad than I do the good, but that'll speak because of my experience and maybe of like how it is dealt with my parents. And for me, I just think instead of then having a vicious cycle where you then throw that onto your kids

and like you've grown up in a household, maybe where there's lots of shouting or whatever it is, it's to remind yourself like positively, you've got the power to change that for your kids and give them a completely different childhood compared to what you had. And then, I mean, don't get wrong. I'm not saying I had the worst childhood in all. That's not it at all. But as kids, like, not everyone's had it easy. Not everyone's had that, you know, I didn't come from my household where we were told like, I love you, like all the time. And for me, I think, no, I'm actually going to change that. And this is so nice that we tell our kids every single day without a fail. And so I bring that positivity in and letting them know that it's

okay to talk about your feelings. It's okay to have that love. And like, I always heard people say that, oh, when you have siblings, they fight. And I get that. And maybe like a different ages they might do that but right now for me it was to put into my kids that oh that's your sister like you love your sister and you know they're obsessed with each other and i'm so happy with that because i do think giving them that positive attitude is what's helped sort of you know alleviate the chances of them being like at each other's throats all the time i mean they are quite young but i do think that's where it stems from and that's where it starts well appreciation isn't it and i think if they see you recognizing and appreciating and appreciate

those small things and just appreciating them, then they're more likely to extend that to each other. And yeah, they'll be the scraps and the tassels. But I think if that's the base acknowledgement and appreciation and attitude, then that's a really powerful thing to be giving them. Yeah, 100%. And I just think it's just as a woman. And literally ever since, because when I had my first daughter,

I ended up having an emergency C section, and anyone that's had an emergency C-section, I mean, birth is traumatic as it is anyway. But like, it can mentally put you in a very different place because, you know, you have gone through a major operation. Of course, like any birth as well, your body is completely different. But a lot of times you're not mobile as well, so you can't do a lot for yourself.

So you are dependent. And I think there's a lot of women in this day and age are more independent and like to get up and get our stuff done or whatever it is. It's very hard to sort of take a step back from that and ask for help in that aspect. Then it was just about me looking at the little things, even when I was like in a place where I was like,

you know, I don't even think I can do this. Like what is going on? You know, I can't even pick up my child with that so on giving me the help here. Just looking at the little things where like, well, actually, it's so nice. I've got this help. That's fantastic.

Like that's then putting a positive spinner. You know, I'm actually so lucky someone can come and help me. I'm so lucky actually. You know what? I've been able to walk three steps today without getting out of breath. yesterday it was all like one like I could barely move and I think what I kind of love is because I saw this in your broadcast as well is that with your water situation where you've not had water yeah and I love the fact that you put on there that you know we've actually used

water bottles but the positive spin is we're so lucky we've got these water bottles and for me I was like oh my God we're the same person we are and honestly and I and I don't think this hasn't come naturally to me this has come like as you were saying with that intention of even when you're in the thick of a really challenging time, especially, you know, walking through grief, it's, it doesn't necessarily come naturally to us to think, there's this wonderful thing going on as well. And there's this beautiful light, look at that sunset or, you know, I'm so blessed to have had the opportunity to love and know that person. Or it doesn't always come naturally to us if it's not ingrained and embedded. But we can cultivate it. And I remember being on

Facebook a couple of days ago, because we were literally like following these. water updates. So and so is like, oh, I've got water. Oh, I've got a trickle. Oh, I've got it. And then people sharing photos of their taps and people calling it tap porn. And you're seeing all the water come out. And it was just meant, you know, it was so interesting. But also seeing people's responses, some people just so full of rage and anger. Yeah. And I understand that some people will be in a place where they find it, you know, for whatever reason, maybe they were very heavily affected or they were in a vulnerable position and maybe felt unsupported. But a lot of people, People just had a lot of rage and that's where it was going.

It was going on the politicians. It was going on the water company. They were wanting the CEO to resign and getting petitions. And I was just there thinking, you know, holding this like massive bottle of water that I can barely live thinking, what a freaking privilege it is that we have this bottle of water. What an amazing privilege that we have toilets that normally flush. And now they don't, but they will because people are on it.

And I just think a few years ago if this had happened, it might have really affected my mood, I might have been grumpy and, you know, how, you know, just kind of, yeah, that that simmering frustration. But actually, I just approached it differently because of that discipline, that intentional, steering our minds sometimes to look for the light in the dark. And it's not saying that it's not hard and it's not saying that it's not sad and it's not inconvenient or you're not heartbroken over a loss. it's just saying and also there is beauty in this mess and sometimes we have to dig to find it yeah it will be there and sometimes we have to drop our standard where we're like I will accept a random flower sticking up

through the frosty ground as beautiful and I think sometimes do you not think like in our culture the standard is just so high for what is good and we're like yeah sunset whatever but where's my job promotion like where's you know more money in my bank account that's what's going to bring me joy and it's sometimes so helpful just to drop our standards yeah no 100% and like said it's something that you have to learn to do as well um because like I said it's it's something like more in the more recent years and I think especially since having kids is what I've learned I mean not to not even just about materialistic things but even little things like when my daughter

first like I'd go in and she's absolutely destroyed all my makeup because it happens I feel like it's such a cliche thing but it happens. And I just like, I'm okay that that bronzer brick is now dust,

yeah? Oh. Just how I wanted it. But you have to look at it and then I'd sit there with being, you know what? It's actually cute because she's actually seen me do it

and that's what she wanted. Like she just wanted the same experience like she sees her mom get up and do it. And it's just not worth it's not worth the drama, the stress and the potential like trauma that you're giving to yourself and your children for little situations like it's just not worth it at all because like more or less when it comes to materialistic things

they can be replaced do you know what I mean and even if they're not like you said you can go without a lot you have to drop your standards and it's just one of those things where you have to think it's not worth your well-being and your like mental state of mind to put your fore focus onto anything like that because frustration it goes eventually. It does always go. And then when you sit there and you think, well, what was I so frustrated for if it, you know, they always say if it's not going to bother you in five years, don't worry about more than five minutes. And I do think it's such a strong thing to live by. And it's just not worth worrying about things because I remember once, and I've said this before, but I was, when I used to work in a call

center many years ago. And I was basically calling people up selling postcode lottery. And I called this one guy. Done similar jobs. And I was like, hi, do you want to buy the lottery? And he was so genuine. I can't even tell you. He was the nicest guy. And he said, oh, I'm not being rude. He's like, but he went, it's not a good time. I was like, no, no, but you need this lottery. And he said, no, he went, I'm going to be completely honest. He said, the nicest guy of him, he went, I've just lost my house. He went, I've literally got nowhere to go. And I'm He said, I actually don't know what I'm going to end up doing today. Like, he said, I've got nowhere to go so you to find somewhere, some shelter.

And obviously, I immediately switched. And I was like, oh, my goodness. Like, I'm so sorry. Like, I wish there was something I could do to help. Like, are you worried? And he said to me, he said, I'm going to tell you something. He said, it'll stay with you for the rest of your life. And honestly, it really did.

And he said that if you worry and something happens, your worrying didn't change it. if you worry and nothing happens all your worrying was for nothing and literally for that I was just like wow what a way to look at things like it's not worth you being sat there panicking like find that one thing and then he just told me what sort of like even he was like looking he's like don't really but I'll do this and I'll you know I'll sort myself out whatever is and even he was looking at the positives and just thought to be to be in that situation and yeah She did to stay with you forever. I was like, wow, that is some nice words. He was right, wasn't he? He was right. It did. It will stay with you forever. And it did. And I think you're so right. It's the amount of energy that goes into worrying and ruminating over something that it is not going to control the outcome. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. If it isn't, we'll have just expended all of that energy. But also if it does happen, we're going to be less resource to deal with it because we've exhausted ourselves already living through it 100 times in our minds.

Yeah, 100% exactly. And whereas then you can then take, instead of putting the engine into worrying, put that engine into your positive thinking and literally find something that'll give you that strength to then continue with it and to get you through that situation. And I think that's in life and in, you know, motherhood as well because it's so many times where you can be stressed over little things or, you know, like I said, something happens and you just think it's not worth me putting the engine. And I can turn that around and put that into doing something positive with my kids.

and I think it completely changes like your the way that you think about it because the one thing that I love is I've had people that I've met before come up to me and said you actually make motherhood look fun and they said like we've not got kids yet but you know like it makes us enjoy it and I want to look forward to it and for me it warms my heart I'm like you know that's not what I went at to like try and do because I just like to share normal day to day with you guys but I love that because I do enjoy it and I was like

Of course, there's hard times, but it's how you deal with it. That will completely change your experience of it. And I was like, oh, like, I can't wait until you're happy. Oh, but that's what you do on your social media, isn't it? It's those little things. It's those little moments that you take photos of and little videos of, of their girls just kind of walking along. And those are the moments that you're getting the joy from.

And I love those things that people say that stay with us. And I hear something really similar that stayed with me. And it was a friend that said, if you're grateful for the big things, you'll feel joy some of the time, like those big experiences, those mountaintop moments, those the first snuggles with your baby, you know, amazing. But he said, if you're grateful for the small things, you'll feel joy loads of the time. You're like, my kids walking along, holding hands. Oh, my gosh. How incredible. Like if we allow these little things to bring us joy, then we'll experience joy so much more often. Oh, 100%. And like I said, it's the little things that. they're holding your hand. And even, I'm like, oh, the gosh, she's listening to me. She's holding my hands. Like, little things like that. It's just accepting the little wins. And like you said, ultimately, that makes you be like you're winning all the time. And then, boom, you know, you're such a better place sort of mentally and you're able to tackle so much more.

See, I love that. That's going to stay with you for now as well. Yeah. Yeah. Just I know. But these things are amazing, aren't they? And Brunay Brown says that gratitude, you know, it's like storing up joy so that when we go through a hard time it's there we've got this ability even in the midst of it and I like thinking about kind of rubies in the rubble sometimes we have to dig and dust off the good bits and we have to search for it when things are really hard but just search because it brings a bit of balance doesn't it and it brings a little bit of a bit of joy and there's enough going on in this world we know we need to grab what joy we can and not feel guilty about it not feel bad about it, but know that it brings balance. It doesn't deny the hard stuff. It just

brings a little bit of balance alongside it. So thank you so much. I know that there'll be so many people listening to you, just digging for those good bits and just opening their eyes a little bit further to the good that is there already, rather than just, I think we can just keep reaching for what is ahead when actually we've only got today, really, haven't we? tomorrow isn't there's no certainty about tomorrow so let's find what what is good in the moment so i've got some quick-fire questions to finish off what is i mean you've already shared a motherhood high what's a motherhood low for you what's a challenge me at the moment what's challenge well my youngest at the minute she's at the toddler stage and it's the where she

wants to communicate but she can't obviously because she just like she's getting certain words I mean, it's not a low. It's just one of those things I'm finding a little bit more tricky at the minute because I'm like, what do you want? And she's trying to find out. Oh, she's probably keen to tell you, but she can't. And you can't work it out. And, oh, I remember that stage.

And you're like, oh, this is going to be one big mess. And then obviously you have to look into it. And then, you know, my sister always said to his all, like, when they cry, that's their way of communicating because they can't tell you in any other way. So it's literally about, it says to be sat there thinking, oh, gosh, they're just crying all the time, whatever it is. You have to sit there and think, okay, she's obviously trying to communicate with me. Let's try. I mean, turn you into a little bit of a detective. So as much of it, it can be a little bit of like a, I can get that it gets people low. Like, you can get that

that's a frustrating like stage as such. But I just think you can also find fun in it. And you turn to detective and you're like, okay, let's go on. What do you want? And finally, what is something beyond style, beyond kids. What is something that makes you feel good? makes you feel good um oh i'm trying to think you know what it's the little things i think everyone that sort of knows me knows this is it's lighting the candle at the end of the day when i've got through everything yes it's so simple it's like a little ritual yes it's just literally i feel like that was a good day if i end the day with that candle lit and everything's put away in its place like something doesn't have to be anything like materialistic as such it should not have to be

anything like said like child related or whatever is it's just that little thing for me and i like the good stuff like it's not just the little candles that you can like during the day i like the good stuff when i know that i've had like a productive day and for me i'm just no boom i'm ready for the next day now so i know it sounds very silly no it doesn't it's such a ritual i do the exact same thing once i have clean the floor that's my last thing that i do yeah clean the floor like the candle and then I put the kids to bed and it's adult time and it's like calm and it's like these little rituals that create that we create that yeah they have meaning and they mark something don't they yeah it's nice like being able to put the TV on in your room I mean yeah like we're such

like a I'll just love it I'm just give me a cuddle and just put the TV on the candles on and we're done that was successful thing. Job's done chill absolutely let's draw a line under the day and then it's yeah chill time oh well thank you so much thank you for instance aspiring us just to think that little bit more about how we might adopt a slightly different mindset and just yeah see see our current situation through that different lens that is far more likely to bring us a bit more joy, a bit more ease, a bit more gratitude, maybe even a bit more patience in those challenging moments. And yeah, I encourage everyone to go and find you on the ground as well and we'll put all your links in the bio and including your beautiful

clothes that you that you've designed and I'm going to go and have another little scroll once we're off but thank you for thank you for coming on today no one thanks so much for having me and enjoy your water oh thank you yes I'm going to just go and flush flush a toilet because it sounds so beautiful thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the therapy and if you have enjoyed it don't forget to subscribe and review for me Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, Anna Martha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy

and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon. Thank you.