The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Izzy Judd on leaning into this moment right now

Episode Date: August 11, 2023

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to Izzy Judd about her One Thing; the importance of leaning deeply into the right now and being present in the moment. And of course Izzy offers some practical advice on how you can actually make that happen in the fast lane of motherhood.Izzy is wife to the drummer in McFly, Harry Judd and mum to Lola, Kit & Lockie, She's also an incredible violinist and author of Dare to Dream & Mindfulness 4 Mums.You can follow Izzy on Instagram here

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi everyone, welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit and goodness me, have I been looking forward to this. record today. Just to be honest, even signing on to speak with this guest, I, just hearing her talk, I just relaxed even more. So I can't wait to hear her wisdom. So we are speaking with Izzy Judd today. She is author of Dare to Dream, where she honestly shares her fertility journey in a way that has

been such a comfort to so many people. And she also has a book, which is on my bookshelf, to my left as I speak, called Mindfulness for Mum's Simple. ways, and this is always the bit I love the most, the simple, the accessible, the implementable, simple ways to help you and your family feel calm, connected and content. And it's just packed with, you could just open it on any page and find a really creative way just to kind of anchor yourself or your child. So I'm so grateful. The other thing I love about Izzy is her honesty on her Instagram pose, but also she's such a talented violinist. So we get to see these little gems of her musical talent, which I said it always kind of makes me cry, but in a good way.

And so she's such a gift on my feed. And she is also in the process of recording some music. So I cannot wait to see what she's doing. So welcome, Izzy. Hi, Anna. Thank you. Hi. Hi. Wow. No, it's always funny kind of hearing yourself in a little nugget. It's just a part of who you are. But it is a very wonderful part that we all get to benefit from. So how are you? Yeah. How are you today?

I'm actually grateful. So there's a little bit of rain today, which in a way, I'm sort of quite happy to put my jeans back on just for a little bit. Yes. I saw you, I saw you say that on the jeans are back on. I don't know. I feel like I've got back into maternity zone and I'm like into the, you know, the stretchy dresses and I don't know how I'd feel in jeans now.

I don't know. I think I've been talking on my page about my Varacus Fane situation. So I actually find some are quite stressful just because I find it really difficult to put the shorts on. So it's all about maxi dresses. But I guess as well, trying to embrace it. Yeah. I was quite happy to put the dresses buck on this boy. Yeah. Yeah. Got run around with sunscreen trying to grab the kids to like cream up before school, which is just an added admin of pain.

It's so weird. And in the winter, we've got all the layers, haven't we? Like, there's so many layers to take. The car is full of layers. And then you think, oh, no more layers. But then we've got the sun cream and the hats and the constant. Where's your hat? Because at my kids' school, they're not actually allowed in the field without their hat on.

So if they don't have the hat, they have to sit under this little, like a Zbo thing, if it's really sunny. Right. So they take their hat. now. I mean, I don't know. I think my middle boy would just sit under that because Eve, I don't know if that would even get his hat on. I'm not sure. Yeah. Yeah, you'd be there in the shade. To be honest, that's where I'd be in the shade, in the shade with a book. But Izzy, I'm so excited to hear from you. I think because I connect so much with the work and the passion that you have

just to help mums just ground themselves a little bit more in the chaos of motherhood. Because, as you say, you know, when we feel kind of calm and connected, we're so much more able to offer our children a bit that calm and through connecting with them. So if you could share one thing with all the mams, what would that one thing be you'd want to share today? Anna, this is, it's really difficult to think of one thing. And I'm sorry. No, it's great to really think if there was just one thing, what would it be? And for me, it would be the gift of being present because I feel we are constantly projecting fears of the future or guilt from the past rather than thinking about what we're actually achieving in that single moment

and having grown up with anxiety and going into motherhood with this history of anxiety I think presence and learning presence through mindfulness has been my anchor, my grounding, my way of staying connected to being a mum and having the courage to be a mum. So I think, yeah, I think for me to be present, to have an awareness of presence, which is not easy and it takes practice. um has been a gift for me so i i hope that that can be shared with others and you share on your page you often have shared along the way kind of just little ideas haven't you even if it's just like a breathing exercise or just like a reminder to drop your shoulders or just kind of hold your child's

hands and what what has presence given you because i think you're so right in anxiety our heads are just our minds are just like gone into the future that has not may never happen but that's where our focuses and we're here but we're also not here and I think there's so much guilt for the time that our minds they're like thinking about tomorrow and all the stuff we have to do and like worrying about what I said yesterday and did I you know there's just yeah we're backwards we're forwards but how can we bring ourselves more into the now so for example I was thinking the other day Lockhe my youngest will start nursery in Oktoberka and I suddenly have this feeling of where's all the time gone?

My littlest is going to nursery. Have I spent enough time with him? Have I done enough? That time has passed. And before you know it, you've escalated into a place in your mind, which feeds you nothing but sad energy, rather than concentrating and thinking,

okay, one of the things I was present with fucking. And, you know, how many times have we been in a playground with our kids and push them on a swing? and just seeing their little joy from that. Now for us, oh, we're back at swing, you know, we're pushing swing again. But for that for your child, it's like this born-again experience where they're happy. And children are the best way to get present. Children are teachers because they are present.

They only take things for now. So I try my best with my children to grant. and get myself present. So that might be on the walk to school. I'm quite keen on taking different routes because I think if we always take the same route, we're just sort of in that autopilot mode. And we don't really take things in.

So we go differently. I love this. I'm such a creature of habit, Izzy. That would really challenge me. I'd probably take a wrong turning. But actually, there's a walk I do locally and I do it the same way every single time. So I'm going to do it later and I might do it backwards.

I probably will take a wrong turning. But I might see things I haven't seen. You're so right. I'm just getting out of autopilot. Getting out of autopilot, I think. And in that walk as well, because you've done it so many times, you're just thinking about the things which, you know, what shopping are going to do, what's got to be packed in their back tomorrow,

what have I got to organise, you know. And you're sort of actually, you do the whole thing without realizing what you've actually passed. and with the children it's tell me something new you can see today is there something you haven't seen before and taking the time like I've noticed mine really want to look at flowers and we're always in a rush but always in a rush but sometimes I have to stop and think

actually if this is going to take 20 more seconds is it really the end of the world like they're taking something in and I want to stop and take that in with them. And that can be really hard. That can be really challenging. But even just trying to notice when you're rushing through, rushing away from wanting to feel present.

Because sometimes I think being in present moment, being in the now can be quite uncomfortable. You know, we're taught that, you know, some things are good and something's bad, right? So if your kids having a tantrum, it's bad. But why is that bad? Why is that behaviour perceived as bad rather than when a child is saying,

please and thank you, or putting their shoes on when they ask? It's going, okay, I've got to stop thinking about the fact that I've got to get out the door or that we're in a rush. What is it that is the barrier with my child right now that means he is unable?

I say he, giving me away. He's unable. to do what I'm asking him to do. And so it's slowing down, getting present, being with him. And I will often say, tell me three things you can see. Tell me three things you can feel. And I'll do it too. And then I'll be, okay, just get myself a bit more present.

And then we'll move on with the day. So I'm always trying to, always trying to be present with a brain that loves to be in the future. And a brain that loves to catastrophize, loves to think. wants it to attach to that. So I find that that fear sits in my body and it's usually in my tummy and that's usually where I feel my fear and where that feeling of anxiety where everything tightens. And again, you want to push it away. You want to get away from that present feeling. You just want it to go away. But actually, if you sit in it and observe it and go, right, where is this sitting? What is it? I think.

feel has got colour and actually allow space to grow around it, allow the space to grow around the fear. And that could be the same when you feel rage for your children when they're not doing this. You ask them, where is it? Okay, maybe it's gone up into

my chest. How can I allow the space to then get myself back to present rather than thinking oh my goodness this child and what have I done and I've been a terrible mother and why won't you just do what I'm asking? and you've gone off, you've spiraled, when actually, okay, if I take care of me first

and then go to your child and try the same behaviour with them, where are you feeling it? You know, what colour is it? That's what I kind of endeavour to do. And I suppose that's where, when I want the gift to people, it's to come back to now, because now it's really all we have. and that now my sad, hard, bad, happy, euphoric, one of those amazing moments with your kids where they suddenly say a first word or, I don't know, come out with something beautiful that you has surprised you. It could be every feeling and all those present feelings are great

and it's not labelling them, it's just acknowledging the now. I love that. I love that because you're so right there are a few moments this morning that I definitely would have liked to fast forward, but often one of my little things that I do, and I'm pretty sure this is probably inspired from something that you've shared, is just to look at their little hands or look at their little eyelashes and think, yeah, it's hard, but it's not all hard. Like there are some amazing things within this. And I think when we're running ahead into the future, it's often because we don't feel safe. Like, you know, you're saying about that fear there. and it's like we want to run away from that emotion but ultimately it doesn't we can't escape it

we just take it with us and then it just comes out like normally it's for me on a Sunday afternoon I've just carried all those emotions and tried to run away from them and then they're just like all spit out and I have my own kind of moment of meltdown perhaps like we see our children have when they hold it in so you're saying what you're saying here is like get back into your body really yeah that's what I'm hearing is how are you feeling like get back into your body body. Yeah, and breath is the quickest way to connect mind and body and to calm that nervous system. So a couple of deep breaths. I mean, I love that feeling of a tool that we have in us. It doesn't cost any money. You don't have to go anywhere. It is just within us and it is

the most powerful tool. And I think had I, had I, perhaps learned more about breathing when I was younger would have been really helpful for me with anxiety and the feeling of being safe. Like I was, I had a really lovely childhood and really close to my parents, but ever since I can remember, I had this feeling about being safe, just not feeling safe. And that was often where the anxiety for me has crept in and a lot with separation. anxiety and this feeling of safety. So at night I go through this like ritual with the kids where I do a story on their back. So you literally move your hands on their back. So you might say the

sun woke up in the morning and you might kind of draw an arch and then you walk your fingers down their back. You gobble up your breakfast and you gobbled up your breakfast and you gobble with your fingers and walk to school and you talk through the day. And I find that quite helpful as well, because if there's things that haven't told you about the day, it's where you sort of go, well, I don't know what you did at school. She hadn't really told me. Can you tell me so I can fill it in? And that's been quite a useful way that they've been able to come out. I love that. And so we sort of program and digest the day. And at the end, we do the deep breath and putting the body to sleep, going through each body part.

And we finish with some three breaths. And I always say, all is calm, all is well, you are safe. And although I'm saying it to my kids, I'm saying it to me. Like that whole process is also for me, that down just calming everything from the mad rush of after school and whatever has gone on in the house of chaos and emotions. and it's just that moment where you, again, it's coming back to being present. And as you say, feeling in the body.

That's really good. Yeah, I love that. I love that so much. I'm definitely going to try that, especially with one of my kids who's still kind of wiggling around long after. Ideally, I think his brain and his body would quite like to be asleep. So that could be a really wonderful kind of grounding thing to do. But as you talk about the breath, I would love to know what is your go-to breath that we can try?

What is like when things are just feeling a bit stressful and your brain is like running off into the future and another bit of you is kind of ruminating over the past and you're just like, wait a minute, how am I feeling? I'm going to take these, I'm going to do some breathing. What does that look like for you? What can we try? What's your favourite? Yeah, I've shared this a bit, but it's because I use it the most. And also it's a great one that you can teach the kids. but it's called Take Five.

So you spread your hand wide. And so your left hand, for example, and then you use your first finger of your right hand. And you start to trace the outline of your hand. So you go up your thumb first and breathe in. And as you breathe out, you go down the other side of your thumb. And then up your first finger and you breathe in. And out, down the other side.

Move along to the next finger, move in and out. Again, put your finger, out. So with that you've taken five minutes. and people quite like that Anna's because it's physical. Like sometimes if you are just having to breathe, but you've got something else to focus on, something to feel, something to watch, which can be a bit easier sometimes than take some breath, you know.

Yeah, it's gentle. It's gentle. And kids can learn they can do it under the table at school if they're on the tube and your anxiety is creeping up. It's always there. It's in your pocket. I love that and it's like when I was doing it was kind of like it was tickling my fingers and you know when someone like strokes your arm when you're little and they just kind of absent

mindedly stroke your arm or stroke your hair and it was that kind of feeling and I thought how often do we give ourselves that kind of physical comfort as mums as well you know we're often giving it but actually what I loved about that was that kind of like really gentle kind of trailing of my finger on my hand and it just felt really comforting so thank you so there are some amazing just ideas and tools that you implement in your own life. And I think that's what I get from your work is that you are always finding other creative ways to try and be more present and try and help connect your kids and connect yourself to yourself and seek a little bit more calm. And you're just sharing them with us, which is exactly what your

book, your mindfulness from mom's book is, isn't it? It's just like this whole collection of ideas that you can just pick and try. And if that doesn't work for your child or if it doesn't resonate, there are so many more and try them on yourself and, yeah, just get a little bit more of what you need.

So thank you so much for all that you share. Can I give you some quick-fire questions? You can, I'll do my best. What's something that you love about motherhood what's so high for you at the moment? I love it when they voluntarily come give me a hug. Oh, yeah. I really pull that in.

I really drink all that, all that up. I just, yeah, there's nothing that makes me feel better than walking through the door and a big hug. Oh, I love that. I call it like parenting caffeine. It's like we can bank that. Yeah. For one of those challenging moments, it kind of just feeds us a little bit.

And what's a low or a challenge for you at the moment parenting? Challenge for me at the moment is understanding three children's different. different needs and being three different mums to three different children and realizing that I can't be the same to each and I can only do the best I can with my resources of how much I can give to each child and to just be a bit kinder on myself with how I speak to myself about that and I recognise what I can do and what I can't. oh i'd echo that i it was really humbling for me in motherhood actually my first child was really quite straightforward and i just thought i had it down and i was going to copy and paste and it didn't

work that way i was like wow and you're so right it's like three different versions of motherhood for three different three different children and to have some grace for ourselves along the way and some patience and some gentleness for ourselves and then tell us what is one thing that is making you feel good at the moment. What are you doing that you're enjoying? So I've gone back to my violin loads more and I think it's reconnecting to something we love, something that makes our heart sing as mothers. We sometimes lose those joys that we used to love before because we don't feel that there's time for it. And so I've really made sure I'm making time to play my violin and recorded some tracks, which I'm really excited to share

and hope will bring calm to other families. So, yeah, I just, my violin is my, me. It's where I find me again. And I'm so glad that you said that I was really hoping that you were going to talk about your music and your violin because you actually put something up recently on Instagram, just beautiful, powerful playing. I think music has a way of just kind of just making its way right into the core of us,

isn't it, in accessing emotion that perhaps has been something we've tucked down or just tried to like sweep under the carpet in a really good and therapeutic way. So I cannot wait to hear more about that. But thank you so much, Izzy. It's been an absolute pleasure to talk with you and I feel so much calmer than I did when I logged on with my chaotic morning. So I'm really grateful for your beautiful presence. I'm grateful to you too. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and viewers, it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us. And head to

anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing, starting at only £20. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon. Thank you.