The Therapy Edit - One Thing with James Hunt on the importance of community

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

Anna is joined by the incredible James Hunt as they discuss his One Thing: the importance of finding community.James is the man behind 'Stories About Autism', the blog, podcast and Insta account where he shares his experiences (the high, the lows and everything in-between) of raising his two wonderful sons, both diagnosed with autism.By simply talking about his life, James has built an incredible community over the past 6 years, helping countless families from all over the world to connect, share, and ultimately feel less alone in what they face day-to-day.Sometimes it's not about tips and coping mechanisms. It's about knowing that we're not alone. That we're seen. That we're understood.Follow Stories About Autism on Instagram hereListen to the Stories About Autism podcast hereVisit James' website here

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have with me today James Hunt of stories about autism. James has two boys, Tommy and Jude, who are now 14 and 11. He has a podcast called Stories About Autism. And he has a blog there.

The archives of a blog all about entering a parenthood that you weren't prepared for. So I'd really encourage you to go and have a read. But he is most active on his Instagram sharing the experiences of parenting his two boys and all the challenges that arise with that. And I have personally found it incredibly helpful and I'm really looking forward to hearing from you. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah. So tell me a little bit about how you started sharing your journey on online around kind of parenting your boys and that experience of parenting that you felt perhaps wasn't kind of replicated around you. Yeah. So I started about six or seven years ago. I'd been. I'd been reading a few blogs myself for about a year or two before that. So my boys were, Jude was diagnosed, gosh, about 12 years ago now.

He was only, he was about 20 months old when he was diagnosed. And back then, everything online was very medical and didn't really feel like a connection. It was just a load of information just washing over your mind. and it was when Facebook would become a big thing, and I found some pages and started following and really connecting with a few families from around the world. I've just, I recognized things from my boys in their lives and similar shared parenting experiences.

And I really struggled to talk about it back then. I couldn't really explain to friends and family how I felt what was going on with Jude or with Tommy, we were becoming increasingly isolated to try and meet their needs, missing out on family functions, leaving things early, not getting much sleep. So I realized that my friends didn't really know how to approach the subject. I certainly couldn't explain it myself, so I started to write things down. And with the hope of friends and family understanding a bit more

and being able to improve our conversations and luckily it just turned into something else where others resonated with what I was sharing and it's, yeah, it's because here I am six years later still sharing. Isn't that amazing that you, the relief you must have felt when you stumbled across those blogs that weren't all kind of medically focused, you know,

like the pamphlets and the leaflets and the information websites and hearing stories. And I love actually that, you know, the name of your Instagram and your podcast is it's about stories it's about experiences and and sometimes that is what that's what we need isn't it that's that's what connects us and that relief that you must have felt when you when you found those the first time seeing your experience of parenting kind of echoed in someone else's stories yeah I think that's it I mean I was trying to come up with a name that might might be might be good and and you're right

stories is how how we connect how we how we see ourselves in other people and and and share experiences and and i didn't realize then it would i would literally be sharing stories every single day i thought it would be you know something something good to do for a year or two and and and almost like a diary isn't it of just but just letting others into your world and and and yeah Luckily, the stories that I share are something that connects with people who are going through the same thing, who either as a parent or even as an autistic child or adult themselves, who connect with Jude and Tommy's experiences. So that's been something I never thought of, you know, from day one is how much it actually

I get messages from people who are autistic or from their parents who are just saying how nice it is to see normalising those experiences. Yeah. I think often we think it's all about putting helpful stuff out there, tools and advice and, you know, five steps to seeing improvement in this one. Actually, sometimes the most powerful thing our human heart needs is to see the shared experience of someone else

and know that powerful truth that we're not alone. And sometimes you have to search a little bit to find that. So I'd love to hear. what the one thing you'd love to share with the mum's listening would be, James? So my one thing is the importance of finding community when life is turning out a little bit differently than how you imagined. I myself felt incredibly lost in the early days of Jude and Tommy's diagnosis. They're both diagnosed around the same age.

They're three years apart in age, but they're both very young. and at the time I knew nothing about autism I just had this vision of what life would be like and when you become a parent and get married, have kids and life would be kind of similar to your own in you've gone holidays and they'd go to school and you'd play football with them

and teach them tennis and go to the beach and just do all the things that you just take for granted the very normal And suddenly those things are taken away. There's no guarantees. Jude is still very much non-speaking. Tommy can say a few words, but he communicates largely through an app.

And it's just a completely different experience. There's, like I said, birthday parties you think are going to be the most special thing for young children. And suddenly, they're their worst nightmare. they couldn't handle the noise and the uncertainty and the overwhelm and you just having to learn at a parent very differently than what you expected and at the same time your sort of your world and your circle seems to shrink because whilst your friends and family are going on and doing all the things that you thought that you'd be doing yourself there just seems to be

a disconnect somewhere along the line and you find that you're having to spend more time at home, not go on the holidays, not go to these special occasions. And you can start to be very isolated. And I, like I said, I felt incredibly lost. And it wasn't until around the time that I started sharing stories online, I realized that actually what I needed more than anything was other people who understood who just got what life is like and either they were further ahead of me and had some advice to give or even if they were a few years before me, you know, we could talk about some of the, some of the challenges or some of the highlights and the good things too.

Yeah. That's, it's not all negative. There's sometimes, you know, my boys will do the simplest of things. that you'd expect any 14, 11 year old to do. But for me, it's huge. Like Tommy can now make his own drink. And of course, an 11-year-old can make a drink. That's not anything big.

But for me and for the, you know, the families who follow me and follow my stories, it's, you know, they can celebrate and really see what an achievement that is. So, yeah. So, yeah, my one thing is really about looking for that connection. I think it's something that mums do naturally in the early days. They go to baby groups. They, you know, suddenly you're in this, you're at home with this baby and you're wanting to learn from others and connect and make friendships.

And then sometimes when life goes differently, like an autism diagnosis, taking you, suddenly you're going to a different school, you're going to different activities, you know, you're not going to the same things. And I think having that connection with people is just so, so important. Yeah, I think as humans, we're wired for connection, aren't we? Which is why I think it can feel so painful and lonely when we don't feel seen and understood,

which is another kind of basic human yearning is that need to just feel seen in your situation. I think this is, it's such a brilliant one thing because it will apply to so many people, those who, you know, I think over the years as a therapist, I've seen many people benefit from specific communities, people with chronic pain, people going through loss and grief and being surrounded by friends that are still, you know, surviving with living family members and finding that just incredibly hard. People going through separation and divorce and the heartbreak and the difficulties that can come with that as they again see people, see their friends kind of carrying on life is in inverted commas normal and that sense of you don't you don't understand what this feels

like hearing people talk about the way that I can really relate to this is with my own situation with one of my children hearing people talk about their child having a meltdown or me thinking oh yeah it's you know you don't know what I mean when I talk about meltdown if that's what you're thinking and then finding so much solace in the community if it's just a handful of people in your life, whether they're online or offline or whether they even know your real name and you're just typing in into a forum somewhere, just feeling, understood, feeling like you have that handful of people in your life who get it. You don't have to be explaining things to all the time. It's just a powerful thing. It's an incredibly powerful thing.

It's a needed thing. Yeah. Yeah, I 100% agree. For me, it was a real realization. I think as men, often, you know, often we keep things to ourselves and we don't talk about a lot of different things, especially challenges in life. So it was very unnatural for me to do that. And it's made such a difference

that when further down the line where other things have come up, for instance, after, like you mentioned there, after a divorce or being a single parent, that was a big shift. And it helped me to find the community of single parents. I'm also a carer for my mum and dad. And where they've been going through health issues,

has helped me to find other carers who understand what it's like to suddenly be looking after your parents as well as children. And if I hadn't been through those experience, I probably wouldn't have been so readily looking for it. I wouldn't have found the Facebook group. I wouldn't have, you know, reached out and gone to a coffee morning or anything like that. That isn't what I would have done. But because I'd already been through that experience and had years of missing out, really, of, because it would have made the early years a lot easier if I'd have done it sooner. So as other things have happened

along the way, yes, when these things happen, they're always a shock and a derailment almost, but I've actually been able to cope with them and shift my way of thinking a lot quicker. Yeah. And having people, I guess, as you were saying, who are maybe a little bit further down the road or the process so that you can look at them and think, there is hope, there will be shifts, there will be good moments again, there will be a little bit more ease or whatever it is that you need to see hope. And sometimes, and I'm sure that this is something you experience is that delight in being able to offer that to others who are not where you are. So it's kind of a two-way street, isn't it? And do you find that having those people who know, having those people in

your life who get it, has it softened somehow that pain or that sense of disconnection between you and those perhaps who don't get it? Has it changed that at all? Has it softened? Or yeah definitely it's given me i think we or i certainly did i went through life thinking these are my friends this is who i'm going to be closest to for the rest of my life and and whilst we're still close there's certain things that are easier to talk about others that just i can talk about the fact that i've had four hours sleep and or if you know there's difficult with the foods that my boys are eating or if they're having a particularly hard time, it's just so much easier to be able to speak to someone who gets that.

And I think we kind of expect that our friends are going to be able to be there for everything. And whilst they are actually there for me, having just those shared experiences with others who can offer more meaningful advice. You can say, oh, actually, did you know about if you ask for a referral to this department, they can do this? And someone who's been through it, it just makes it a lot easier. And it's actually made probably my friendships better again with those who I've known for years because I don't need them for that now.

That's a good point, isn't it? is that you've got those people in your life to turn to. So there's almost less pressure on other people to really get and understand exactly how it feels to be you because there are other people providing that in your life. Yeah. I get a lot of messages from people who feel like friends and family don't understand. And usually the first message is, you know, they've related to a video or a post and they feel less alone.

And often there's quite a negativity about, how they feel towards their friends and family because they feel like they just don't get it or and I think that's it it's realising that sometimes we need different people for different things and my friends are the first people I want to go and have a drink with

and have a night out when I get one but when there's been a meltdown filled day or there's other people that I turn to so if you can find a pocket of your life just a pocket of people that understand, then it means that it's not so pertinent, not such a need for everyone around you to get it.

And that, yeah, that's amazing advice. And I think encouraging people also to go and find, even if you feel like your challenge is such a niche that you can barely believe that someone else will be going through something similar, just take time to go and search. This is one of the beauties of social media. for its many, you know, negatives that we often focus on, that there will be, that there will be someone,

there will be a page somewhere that you might have to do a little bit of digging. And if you cannot find what you're looking for, what if you just start it, even if it's anonymously and maybe someone will be able to come and find you. So thank you so much for that amazing, powerful piece of advice, James. Now, I have got some quickfire questions to finish off. Okay, are you ready? Yeah.

Okay, so James, what's a parenting high for you? Parenting high will be any attempt of communication. Every single time, like I said, Tommy will communicate with an app. So when he says, that I would like and blue cake, that's a huge thing for me. For Jude, it will be taking me by the hand, taking me to something and show me. me what he wants and every single time it just puts a smile in my face yeah yeah those those little things that are actually massive and what is what is the parenting low for you lows are definitely the meltdowns uh many luckily things are a lot a lot better now

uh but it's it's heartbreaking to watch watch your child be so out of control of their own their own mind and so uh so aggressive uh aggressive towards themselves aggressive towards me and it's probably the the worst thing i've ever been for in my life is watching uh watching them hurt themselves there's yeah i know it's going to end it always ends, it always gets better. But in that moment, whether it's two minutes, ten minutes, half an hour, you just feel so helpless. And you feel like you're a failure as a parent because you must be doing something wrong for them to be doing that. Which I guess is the power of that community that you have around you when you see and know that you're not alone in that, they're not

alone in that. And hopefully that works to kind of alleviate some of that feeling of failure in it being about fault on your part. So, yeah, another benefit of finding those people. And James, so much of your life is focused on supporting those around you, caring positions. But what's something that makes you feel good? Exercise. I know it sounds like a boring thing, but at the moment, that's something that I really try to do. because I get stuck at home a lot.

Getting out to exercise is good, even if it's just a walk along the river. And books and box sets, always. Good bit of escapism. And how would you describe where you're at in three words to finish off? Where I'm at. Yeah, where you're at, where you're at in parenting, parenting itself. Okay.

Tired. Happy. and hopeful tired happy and hopeful i bet those three words will be such a beacon to those who are behind where you're at in that journey to know that you're sitting here with everything that's going on and you're saying tired happy and hopeful what powerful what a powerful three words so thank you so much and encourage everyone to go and check james out on instagram he's on there as stories about autism. He's got a podcast by the same name and also a book in the pipeline, which I'm really excited to hear about and I will obviously be sharing that on my social media when that comes

to fruition. So thank you so much for your time today, for your time today, James. It's been great to have you. Yeah, thank you, Anna. It's been a pleasure. I'm really glad to be here. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Over Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just

pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.