The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Kate Rowe-Ham on not fearing your menopause

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna speaks to Personal Trainer, author and menopause expert about her one thing; how menopause can be an ideal time to reflect and thrive and isn't something we should fear.Kate Rowe-Ham, is a PT, mum of 3 , author of Owning Your Menopause : Fitter . Calmer Stronger in 30 Days and Founder of the Owning your menopause app.Find out more about Kate on her website and follow her on Instagram.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have with me, Kate Roham, and I've followed Kate for years. I actually have already said to her that I feel like I've had lots of different conversations with her just around understanding

menopause, talking about exercise, talking about alcohol, when in fact it's just me responding to her social media wisdom in my head. That's what social media does, doesn't it? So I'm just really delighted to have Kate with me today. Kate is a PT. She is a mum of three, and she is the author of the newly published Owning Your Menopause. Fitter, calmer, stronger. Yes, please. All of those things in 30 days.

And she's also the founder of the owning your menopause app. And I've followed her for years and I've just really benefited from her insight, her honesty and just her passion to empower fellow moms about taking, yeah,

just advocating for ourselves. Anyway, I'm going to I'm going to introduce her. I'm going to welcome her on now rather than just talking about her. But Kate, it's so lovely to have you here today. Thank you. I feel like I'm talking to, like not an old friend, but someone like you said, who I've known for years because I've, of course, followed you too. And obviously love what you do. So I feel really honored to be here chatting to you this morning. Oh, thank you. And I often think about you and I go in the cold tub thing outside of my back door.

because you are also a fan of the cold water dipping, aren't you? And I'm sure you've probably influenced me, actually, over the years to... I was thinking about going in this morning, but I haven't put on my brave pants and got out there yet. But it's so sunny. It's kind of we should, but there we go. Maybe later in the week. Maybe later. Maybe later.

I think it's about three, four degrees our water at the minute. And our fence blew down in a storm. So, and I normally go just dip in their starkers because I can't be, I can't bother to put some ink costume on for the sake of a couple of minutes. So that's added a whole other level of adrenaline now is, can I do it without the neighbours getting an eye full at 645? I'm sure they'd be delighted. Oh, well, hmm. Anyway, less of that, less of the early morning nudity. But how are you? How are you getting on? You're having a busy time at the moment.

Yeah, it is busy and overwhelming, but brilliantly busy. Clearly a need for the conversations that I'm trying to sort of ignite and have. And I mean, not just myself, but other people. But I think that the book has definitely found a little spot for itself in the market amongst Menopause books. Because it's what I love is the feedback is that people have sort of like talking to your best. friend about menopause, but then she's listened and then she gives you a couple of things that you can do to make it better. And that was kind of what I needed. And so I think that's what this is all stemmed from, is it was what would I have liked to have known, what would I have liked to have had and what support is very much needed. You know, the conversations around menopoles are brilliant, but I think a lot of them focus so much on the drive to take HRT or the drive to make change in Parliament, which is really, really as equally important. But the one thing that we can or change today is our own individual journeys. And that's kind of what I want the book

to do. And it's certainly, it's certainly doing that. And I think, yeah, what an amazing gift to be giving women. And it's that, you know, you're not alone. how you feel, this is how it's going and this is actually something actionable that you can do today that can empower you. Because I do think there has been a lot of fear, you know, for years in this kind of like shrouded, almost like secrecy of, you know, the change. And actually, I'm so grateful for you educating me. At this point, I'm 38 and I can tell that my hormones are changing. And I just feel so grateful that I'm getting this understanding and awareness so that I, yeah, can feel armed with knowledge and know what I can do, what I can do for myself.

Yeah, I think that's really key because that's really empowering. We write the books we need, don't we? Yeah, totally. And it's for every woman to kind of, you know, if you've got daughters, if you've got sons, it's equally important that they also learn so that, you know, we can make this, as lovely Diane Danzmering said, the generation to make menopause matter, so that we can then, you know, empower our children as well. Like, you know, the girls aren't afraid of their periods like we were.

I mean, if we'd kind of take it back. Like, I remember, like, walking around, you know, you'd hold your tampacks and you'd be shoved up your sleeve and you'd be really sort of embarrassed, you know, even saying the word period would be like, oh my God, I've just said I've got my period. And, you know, I think that has now come on brilliantly in leaps and bounds, but that's where we are with menopause. And, you know, I often will be with friends who I know they are struggling with perimenopause symptoms. It is really clear when they're like, I don't know what's happening. And I'll be like,

I think you might be impacted. They don't, they're like, don't say it because like you just said that, you know, somehow or other, there might be an element of shame or embarrassment just sort of around it. Because I think for many, it seemed like sort of this impending life of doom because the images we are fed aren't these positive strong women. And actually, I know for me, and this is one thing that I've said, I was really, like, scared about telling my husband because I just thought, okay, we've now got to navigate this next life phase together.

But it is one that is difficult because the images are of sort of potentially elderly, elderly people. And, you know, does that make me less attractive? Now I'm in menopause. Like, what does that look like for your relationship? The good thing was it explained, the rage, the complete loneliness. And so actually that was a, that was better, as it were. You know, I think that being, giving him a reason for my withdrawal from the family dynamics

helped a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's it, isn't it? Having having that insight and that understanding is just so empowering because I think it incites more compassion and understanding for ourselves and encourages us to think about ways that we can support ourselves rather than just questioning what's happened to me. Yeah. And other people probably asking the same thing about you. So yeah, so grateful for what you're doing, which leads me to my question that I ask all the guests here. If you could share one thing with all the moms listening who will be at many different ages and stages of motherhood, what that one thing be, okay? So my one thing would be that menopause can be a brilliant time for reflection and reinvention. And it shouldn't be feared. And for

anyone who is feeling low, I want everybody to know that there is hope and it really can be a time to thrive. So positive, isn't it? So can you share a little bit more about that? No, it's a wonderful one thing. So menopause can be a brilliant time for reflection and reinvention and it shouldn't be feared. So yeah, tell us a little bit more. Did you fear it? And what has that reflection and re-evention looked like for you some of the moment that you work with? So I didn't have a chance to fear it

because it hit me quite hard. I was fearful whilst I guess I was in the throes of it at the beginning because I didn't understand it. So that's where we talk, you know, what we just touched on about that early education is that it shouldn't be feared if we can educate ourselves around this is what it is.

But if I just start on that first point, the reflection and reinvention. Like once I had worked out I was in perimenopause, I had to take a long, hard look at where I was really in my life and what was going on around me. Because I think also the one thing is that, you know, menopause coincides with caring for elderly or sick parents. And at the time I was caring for my dad

who'd been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My son also, who is seven, had recently been diagnosed with a rare genetic lung condition. So I think that these life stages come, but we don't take an opportunity sometimes to stop and process them because we're so busy. But actually, because of the menopause making me slow down because I didn't understand, I had to look at how I could improve my future life. I had to make it better because I was in a place where I didn't want this to be as good as it got at the age of 40. I was 41. You know, I've always been a bubbly person, but I wasn't.

I've removed myself from very many things. So I didn't get much out from the GP, but I sort of sorted it all out to cut a long story short and went on HRT, but it wasn't this magic fix for me. For some women it is, but for some it isn't. So I had to go, okay, so I've done this, but what else can I do and how can I do this? So I looked at all the things that weren't adding to my life. And that was alcohol, that was really, which actually I say bad food choices. I ate really well, but alcohol just didn't allow me to make sensible food choices. I was everybody's everything and go to.

And I had to have the conversations with my family and say, look, I love you very much. But, you know, we all need to pull our weight a little bit here. Like, this is what mum's going through. It is the menopause. you're old enough to to help and do things. So let's pull together as a family. And also I lived life at a massively fast pace. I still do, but I never, ever stopped.

And so we touched on the cold water. And actually that was a massive thing to add because that allowed me to learn the power of breath to use in situations of anxiety. Making these lifestyle changes enable me to stop and quit alcohol, which actually opened up this, I mean, totally whole new world. And I get emotional about it because, like, the one thing I won't forget is when I put my little one to bed once. And, and he told me how much more present I was. And like, at that

moment, you're like, wow, my big kids, however, Anna, on the other hand, that's just put this into perspective, said I was more annoying because I was noticing how much more time they were spending like on an Xbox. That just shows that I certainly was, which is also about being more present. Yeah, totally. So I was there. And so that literally was the turning point to where I am now because it gave me all

these opportunities to value myself and to go, you know, I am capable of doing this. And I got better and better and better. And I added more weights and I began to thrive. and I ate well, and I have literally totally and utterly, not reinvented myself, I'm still that crazy person that everybody's known since they were young, but I've literally had this massive reinvention with my career and with the feelings that I've had for myself over the years, because I think obviously alcohol in your no better place than me in terms of your job,

you know, is it something that we turn to perhaps as a coping mechanism and, you know, it can help manage trauma. And that for me was very much what alcohol is. And I actually think if we all just take a step back, it is for most of us, it turns off that noise or that voice that we don't want to hear. But equally, by doing that, I wasn't allowing the good stuff in either. So I was just numbing everything. So that's my biggest takeout, I think, for menopoles or women, is to really try and look at those lifestyle changes alongside HRT, in particular, cutting down or cutting back on alcohol. And I think this just sounds about honouring, just really questioning some of those habits that creep in over the years. I think our culture just really affirms and normalises

eating a certain way kind of that's that fast-paced living the drinking to switch off and that's definitely something I've stopped I haven't been drinking now for three months and I would say it's the biggest gift actually that I've ever given myself and my children and you know it's all it's popping up in conversation a lot at the moment but you know it's what can we do for ourselves that perhaps have been hard to tackle because they've been so affirmed by our culture but actually what isn't serving us the speed of life that we're living at, what we're reaching for when we're feeling, what we're learning about feelings or not learning about feelings because of it. And just starting, you know, it sounds like you just started respecting

yourself. Yeah. More in your equal space in relationships and yeah. And it's hard. I mean, there've been a lot of tears, you know, there's been tears because you've had to, and like through some of it, and there's things I haven't shared, obviously, with the world, because you don't. You know, I've questioned situations in my life that have happened, and I've confronted the people or things or times with a clear and conscious mind, you know, to be able to help myself grow. And that's like massively empowering. And I was saying someone the other day, and I think, you know, your audience will definitely resonate with this. Like, I think menopause and and parenthood childbirth are two massive, obviously massive life stages, but very similar again

in terms of the hormones and the feelings. And, you know, we have children. We definitely, or most people do, lose themselves. We give ourselves over. We're trying to have that family life. And I feel like what happens is just as, and is that mummy wine culture, you know, because it's that sort of let down, just as you're kind of getting yourself back to a strong place where you're ready to like get out there again for many women like you're saying you know maybe 38 39 the hormonal shift starts to come again and I think those habits creep in again so what was your default then was maybe wine and comforting and food and then you suddenly default that again because you start to lose yourself again so I think those are two huge life stages where as women we are so like

amazingly incredibly powerful but also at the same time we are then we put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves at both of these times and they for me definitely that sort of parenting thing and then the menopause have led very similar paths you know as sort of that when the kids would go to bed glass of wine a celebratory glass you know do and then sort of with menopause as I'd got to the end of the day a celebratory glass of wine or something like that instead of actually sitting and kind of going okay what do I actually need to do for myself now to help myself rather than just do something to just keep fighting through. Yeah. Yeah, that's a massive question to ask and often we find that the answer isn't always

as simple as a glass of wine and might require us to talk or just breathe or acknowledge feelings that actually might feel messy or hard. But what we're doing will we make those decisions and it is a discipline, isn't it? Because we're wired for comfort and ease. And so often that is what we will go to. But actually as we choose what might feel like more effort in the moment, we're actually gifting ourselves. And the changes that you're empowering other people to make

and that you've been making sparked by the menopause as you reassess stuff, these will benefit you for the rest of your life and the relationships that you have and the experiences that you have and the ability to actually drink them in and enjoy them and be present within them. This is, as you say, it's life, life-changing stuff. And it would be so much easier not to. And it's exciting.

Like that's the one, that's the one thing when I think back to those three years. And I think, you know, when I was questioning, is that as good as it gets? And I look where I am now. And that's why I want other women to, to know that like however however low like I said they are feeling tiny little steps like don't try and do everything at once either you know I think obviously sort of this is being recorded you know new year new you sort of that you know blue Monday's just gone by where many of us sort of you know don't stick to the things we've set ourselves up for but again that's because I think we place such

unrealistic expectations on ourselves and like if you're one thing to to do each week after to sort of make and create change is drink more water, go outside and get some more steps in. All of that is going to build up to something bigger that becomes more sustainable and achievable. And just like slowly, slowly, you'll just feel yourself climbing back up and feeling, you know, a bit more, a bit more you. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's so, that's such a good reminder, isn't it, that you and I can sit here and talk about our cold water. dips and this and that. But I started with drinking water and it was probably about three years ago now

and I was getting chronic headaches and I hadn't even realised that I was dehydrated and that I wasn't meeting my basic need and that's where I began and you kind of established that and then you feel quite empowered. But also you're feeding into that positive self-esteem and sense of worth as you honour yourself and meeting these small needs. So it becomes then slightly easier to think, okay, so I've done that and now I'm deserving of not having headaches. So what my, what little step might I take next? So the cold water plunge for me was, you know, a few years down the line after some cold showers and thinking, oh my gosh, I feel alive.

That makes me feel good. I'm going to do that again. And yeah, just not forcing yourself to do everything straight from the off, which is why I think your book so great is it is that encouragement to think about what are those little things that you can do to respect and honor and meet your needs at this. stage in your life and just yeah to build to build up from that yeah no totally and actually the one thing I do quite love about it because it does focus obviously on strength training so this is you know something for and there is something for beginners there's something for intermediates but

whilst we're having this conversation and and actually I said this last night to someone it's number one in body in powerlifting and bodybuilding and so I have this brilliant like thoughts of men like you know, war work going to build muscle going on and there's like this pink book because there's like menopause or ladies shouting owning your menopause and they're like, what is it?

And it's that, yeah, and it's kind of like showing them that women are, you know, we are strong from the inside out and especially if we can add, you know, weights to our workout, we're going to be right there on top. Yeah, I love that.

I love the thought that big musliny man is going to be scrolling across and finding something that may well a stark conversation in his life with someone that they care about and open up this whole new level of understanding and awareness that is just so empowering.

And yeah, so I'm so grateful for your wisdom and I'm so grateful for everything that you put out there. And I encourage everyone to go and find your book, whatever age or stage you are at, it's never, ever too early to just educate yourself

and feel empowered by the encouragement and the knowledge that Kate shares. And yeah, just start lifting some weights and learning how that this can build you up, build you strength, not just physically, but also mentally for the rest of your life. So thanks, Kate. Thanks for joining us. Thank you so much for having me. Lovely to chat with you. Thank you. It's been so lovely to see you. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode at The Therapy. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me.

Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing. They are all on my website, anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon. Thank you.