The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Kelsey Parker on the amazing sacrifice of parents

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

In this Friday guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to Kelsey Parker, founder of Performing Arts School, K2 Stars and the wife of the late Tom Parker, the member of boyband The Wanted who sadly passed away due to a brain tumour in 2022.Kelsey shares her One Thing and it's all about the admiration she has for the incredible sacrifices that great parents make for their children.Alongside establishing her performing arts stage school, Kelsey's memoir, With and Without You will be published in September and you can pre-order it here.You can follow Kelsey on Instagram here.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. Today I have with me, Kelsey Parker, smiling away on my screen, try not to smile too much. She is a mother of two. She is the owner of K2K performing art school.

I've just learned that's because her friend is also called Kelsey. And there's big Kelsey and little Kelsey because I was worried how... And I am the big one. You're the big one. You're the big one. And then you've got little Kelsey. I had a friend called Anna when I was younger and she was little Anna and I was Big Anna. So I relate. Her husband, Tom Parker, died from brain cancer. at 33. And she shares so generously about her journey navigating grief as a mum of two. She's got her documentary, Kelsey Parker, Life After Tom, all about sharing really openly and honestly, kind of just following her life, following the first, following the highs and the lows

of living with grief. She's also supporting Tom's book, The Amazing Hope, My Inspirational Lifewear, in which you can read more about Tom's amazing and inspiring story. So Kelsey, hi. Hello. Hello, how are you today? Yeah, I'm all right. I've got a really busy day ahead of me, so quite stressful, really. Yeah, well, fortunately, this is a super short podcast. So I won't be keeping you for hours.

But thank you. I've got to rush to get a train, you know. Oh, gosh. I just feel like life as well that, like, some days I'm just doing nothing, then I just have everything packed in one day. You're like, how am I going to get through today? But you do. Yeah, and you do, you get to the end of it, and you normally think,

Wow, I've done it. You know, I don't have to kind of look at my diary and see all of that squished in day. I can breathe a bit till next day. Yeah. And then do you kind of flop on the sofa? What do you do in the evening after a day like that? I'm going to a wedding. So I'll drive to Maidstone tonight because I'm saying overnight in a hotel because I've got a wedding somewhere.

So it is just go, go, go, go. It is go, go, go. I feel like with a wedding as well, there's been such a buildup, like we've had the hendos. Now I've got the wedding. I'm like so excited. Oh, it's just good on the day. It's good on the day

and I think the women don't have to do quite as much on the day as the men like we do all of the stuff beforehand with the weddings we do the hindoos and we do all the planning and the like little details

and on the day it's like the men they have to do all of their showing people where to go and they're telling people absolutely that's the day to yeah just enjoy it and chill a bit

there's so much logistics isn't there with the kids and the dog and just so you can go and relax and enjoy it so the question that I ask all the mums and all the people that come on this podcast is if you could share one thing with all the parents or the mums what would that one thing be?

One of the things would be to share with you all just the importance of the hard work and sacrifice that us parents have to do and I feel like I've learned that from my mum because growing up you know I didn't come from like the richest parents and I and you know my mom worked so hard to give me what I want in life. And she put me through performing art school, a private performing art school, as a hairdresser. She worked all hours God sent to put me through it. And I just think it's the sacrifices that she made

that I necessarily didn't know that she'd made for me. And now me as a parent of two, and now I'm a solo parent, you know, it's the sacrifices I'm going to have to make for my children. yeah and looking back now as a parent and thinking oh my gosh she must have just been burning the candle at both ends at some point in order to give me yeah yeah so yeah it's the sacrifices that she's she's made over the years and even now she's making sacrifices as a grandparent to help me out yeah so kind of just going beyond yeah and not making it a thing as well like not afraid it back in the face being like i'm doing all this for you like my mom just worked and worked and saved her money and did everything to better my life. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it is that not, well, you should be grateful because look how hard I'm working. Almost sometimes the resentment that could come with that. Yeah. You didn't seem to be really understanding

the sacrifices that she was making, but she didn't do that. No, she didn't. And there was no like guilt. She never made me feel like guilty. It's just, I've done this for you, Kelsey. this is the life I wanted you to have and I've worked hard and she's provided and now obviously I'm going to do that for my children. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, definitely. And what does that, what does that look like for you?

And what would you love to give your children? You know, I just want to give my children the best life they can possibly have. Whatever dream, whatever ambition, I'm going to facilitate that and make sure that happens for them, you know, or give it a good go. like Arrayal is really into performing arts at the moment so how you know I get her into as many classes as she could possibly be in she's working hard I mean she's only three but she's on an agency like it's just facilitating whatever she wants to do you know she said to me mum I want to play the guitar I'd make it happen for her yeah my kids love hopping around though one minute they want to do cricket the next minute they want to do football and it's like oh it's a constant jug I love is you still into this you don't really want to go to this, right? You want to try that? And I think, yeah, kids don't really always know, do they

right at the beginning? So it's a case of just trying to see what it is. I did always know what I wanted to do. When I went into reception at school, they said to my mum, does she go from performing art school? Because you need to get her into something, because obviously I was like dancing around the classroom. Amazing. And I couldn't really sit still either. That's why my mom knew that like secondary school-wise, a performing art school was the place that I needed to be because I think if I'd gone to a normal secondary school, I probably would have been chucked out. Obviously, going to performing arts school,

they're into you not being able to sit on the chair and listen. You'd have been dancing around a bunsen burners. Yeah, and they would have been like, just get out, go. Yeah. And did you see your mum slow down then? Did you see your mum, like how did she get her needs met a little bit? Because you know what my mum decided to do? Have more children.

Oh, wow. So I've got a 16 and 18 year old brothers. So even now, like one of them's doing their GCSEs and my mum's an erotic mess. I'm like, mum, it can only be what it can be. But obviously she wants us to do well. As a mother, you want your children to succeed. She's like, I don't think he's even realising that I'm having sleepless nights. I'm like, he doesn't really care.

Yeah, he's just getting on with it or not. It's when you get older, like I know one day that my brothers are going to have that turning point and go, do you know what? My mum did everything for me. And I think you do have that as a child. You go, wow. Yeah. And you look back and you appreciate it. So right now, if our kids do not appreciate us, they will at one point. That's what I say to my mum, the boys will appreciate you one day because I appreciate you. It's both pushing forward, isn't it? And striving forward and trying to kind of give and support them in every way that you can whilst also letting go. of the fact that there are certain things outside of your control. You can't make him study.

You can only encourage him to do it and how well he does is out of her control. So it's supposed, isn't it? I think as a mother, you always have that like, you just want them to succeed. She said when she used to come and watch me in my show, she used to be like so nervous before them. I said, but you couldn't do anything. You weren't the one going on stage. Yeah. So it's that kind of that acceptance and letting go and doing everything that you can and then just having to try and relinquish control with the things that you can't control. Yeah.

Oh, motherhood. But we're parents and we want to control it all. I know. What do you struggle with? What do you have to encourage yourself to let go of when it comes to your kids? Do you know what? I think for me, obviously, we've gone through such a difficult time with losing Tom.

And I think I worry about the children. I worry a lot. And I don't like I'm going to the wedding, I'll need to go and just have a good time because otherwise I will worry and think, are they missing me? Do they think I'm coming back? Like, mine is such a, everything's just such a worry for me. But I just have to sit back and then just, you know, I have to let it go. Because otherwise you would just worry all the time, wouldn't you? Yeah. Oh, constantly, there's always something to worry about, isn't there? And it just really, it would take away from your enjoyment of that day. Because, you know, with mine, they're three and two, they're hitting milestones. I know that they're doing really well, but it's that emotional worry of it all. Because what they've been through is so traumatic. And you think, how's this now going to, where's their life going to go?

Where is this paving their life? Like, is this made them better people? Are they going to have a, get to hit their teens and go, oh, I've not had a dad and I'm going to rebel and whatever? Yeah. They're running ahead. minds and just working it, trying to work out the impact on what you've been through. If I'm doing the right thing, am I saying the right words to them, am I explaining everything that I should be to them? I just, do you know what my mum always taught me as well? Just be honest.

Yeah. Just tell them the truth. Because in years to come, if you don't tell them the truth, and they're going, well, why did you lie to me about that? Why did you tell me dad was doing, it's gone wherever else? Like, I've just been so honest with them. Yeah. I honestly think that's the right way to be. And let them see you sad sometimes and you're living your life and you're making decisions around, you know, doing things that make you happy and they're going to be seeing that and you're trying to do everything for them and letting go trying so hard. Sometimes we really have to coach ourselves, don't we, through letting go of the stuff that you can't control. And what more can we do than that? Exactly. As mums, what more can we expect ourselves to do? We can't see into the future. no we don't know the future you wish you could but you couldn't and that's what I always say to people like I never thought this was going to be my life like when I married Tom I didn't think you know

when we said our vows that he was actually going to die for better and for worse and you know sickness and in health like I never thought this was going to happen and you know even if I did know it's happened would I've changed it no because I've still got my beautiful children at the end of it but it's just that now I've got to do it on my own and it's, I'm a solo parent. And do you have, I mean, it seems that you have some amazing people around you to support you and how easy do you find it

to let people be there? I, yeah, I do find it hard leaning on people because I feel like sometimes you can over ask. Like even for me, if I want to go to the gym in the evening, I have to ask someone. Like I feel like I'm back to that stage I have to ask my mum for everything, can you babysit the kids? Can someone pop around while I pop out? I'm going to work. Can someone have the kids? Like, it is really hard, but I wouldn't be able to do

what I do without my village of people. And I talk about the village because, you know, my best friend Kelsey does come and help me. Her husband, Dean, you know, I'm really close to my auntie. Like, I have the village of people that massively help, but I wouldn't be able to do it without them. yeah so actually letting them be there for you and and the you know the benefit of the input that they'll have on your kids lives as well so yeah I do think I think that's really important as well to bring family in and give you know today Bodie's gone off with my with my nan that's his great grandma he spends Thursdays with his great grandma but I think that's brilliant I think it's brilliant for my nan to keep her going also it's great for him to spend that time yeah

definitely and we need this village and I think sometimes it takes tragedy and it takes trauma for us to actually let people step in and be who in other cultures. In some of the cultures, I love the fact that you'd look around, you wouldn't even know whose kids were whose because everyone's just pitching in. Our family's always been like that, which is so funny. We're a very shemmy family. So, you know, my cousins will be with my mum and I was always with my auntie. Like when I used to actually come home from school, I used to ring my auntie and ring my mum, see which dinner sounded better and go to whoever's house.

I'd be like, Julie, what are you doing for dinner? That's amazing. I can't see that. I'll be over in 10. So you'd have options and maybe, did your mom have that available to her then when she was doing all of this work? So maybe that was also part of what enabled her to give you. Yeah, definitely.

And I just think, you know, family is important. Family is key. So if we want to give our kids, what we would love for them. And we need to be calling upon other people because I think the challenge happens is when you're just trying to juggle all of this totally and utterly on your own.

Honestly, I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. Yeah. That's so, you know, I think it's so important. And sometimes we really just need to step out and ask the people around us because I think many people have moved away from family over the years, kind of gone to uni and they've moved to a different town.

And my parents, for example, are like two and a half hours away. Yeah. So it's trying to kind of cultivate the relationships and the people with the people around you. I remember being in labour with my third and needing to go to hospital and who was going to look after the kids.

You know, and so I sent a message out to my local WhatsApp group. And there were literally like, I think, three people in the road, like on their way to my house. It's that village. You know, that village doesn't have to be your first family,

your aunties, your mum and whatever it can be other people. Yeah, it needs to be. It needs to be some people. Yeah, you need the village, but I feel like we've all sort of lost that way of the village. You know, growing up, we all lived down the same road. I lived down the same road as my nan. Yeah, so he just went down a few doors. Yeah, I'd just get my own. I did another fridge. I'd go straight down to my nans. I love it. And then my auntie lived one road from my nans. So we all just lived like that to each other. And I love that growing up. Yeah. So there's encouragement to think about what your kids need. How might you facilitate that for them? But you need an

acknowledgement that to be able to do that, you need the support. You need to reach out to other people. You need to let other people be there for you. You need to kind of just share life a little bit more. I feel like we're all a little bit scared to ask, aren't we now? We're all a bit like, oh, I don't want to ask that person to help me, but I just think, you know, especially me, I've been thrown into this position where I have to ask now. Yeah, yeah. And we need to. We need to get better at it because we need each other. And I think often people feel like that some kind of failure of their own, you know, I'm not enough if I need other people. And it's like, no, you're never going to be enough on your own because we were never meant to do it on our

little island in our kind of one house surrounded by people that we don't know. But I do just love people. I always have, even K-to-K stars, that's a family. Like when people come to the performing arts school, they go, oh, wow. It is like a family up here. I'm like, yeah, that's what I want. I want it to be a family, you know. And even some of the dance parents say to me, oh, if you ever want me to have the kids, I'll have the kids.

And I now say to them, oh, would you like my children? Take him. Take him for a little while. Take them for a little while. Yeah. And it's cultivating family. It's cultivating community. Yeah. And you're right. We need it. And sometimes, you know, tough stuff happens at home. And having that already there, because we're nurturing that in day-to-day life before we need it, it just makes it even easier when we really do. And it's a privilege. I'm sure your friends and family, when you're going through loss and you're going through grief, you just want to help someone. You want to be able to do something. So actually being able to do something practical to support you, you know, that must be a release.

and a gift for them? A hundred percent, because people did just want to help me. What could we do? There's anything. You know, people was, when Tom first passed away, people came with like cook vouchers or my friend had actually gone to the shop and bought me shopping and went, right, get all this in your freezer. You're going to need it.

I hope you had space in your freezer. I did. Oh, that's good because we sent someone a whole bundle of cook food once. I think they just had a baby and they were like, thank you. you so much. I've just had to have a freezer clear out because it was so packed we couldn't actually fit anything in there. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm sorry, imagining us surrounded by kind of chipped ice and old peas, but I'm glad you had space in your freezer. So it's an encouragement to, yes, strive for your children. Coach yourself through those moments where

you're just trying to control and desperately hoping that the best happens for them, those those things that we cannot control, but also to enable you to actually do this, you need to access and create community and village around you. So how might you start reaching out and engaging with the people around you and just creating more family, especially if you don't just have family on your road, family to call nearby? So thank you. You're encouraging words and your honesty. And I've got some quick five questions for you. Okay. Hit me. before I let you go off for your bus or your train or wherever you're going. Where are you going?

On a bus or a train. I'm going on a train. You're going on a train. Lovely. I love a train. I love a train. Yeah. It's just so passive.

There's nothing you can do apart from just what you want to do. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And toilets and like the bus. Oh no. I wouldn't really recommend the toilets on the train anyway, to be fair. But at least they're there.

Yeah. So what's a motherhood high for you at the moment, Kelsey? I think just watching my kids develop and be happy. Yeah. Yeah, just seeing them live and love, especially some of those. I bet you're doing your daughter, just seeing her enjoy engaging in performing arts. They just love it. They both have to come.

Both does it as well, but they do. She's just so much more confident than him. He holds back a little bit, but she just absolutely loves it. Brilliant. And that must just, yeah, joy for you. And what's a low for you at the moment? Oh, a low. Bedtime?

Bedtime, yeah. Bedtime's always alone. You just have to be stripped at bedtime and it's like, oh, just before they're going to bed, you have to be like, right, come on, in bed. Yeah, it's always a bit of a slog, isn't it? Yeah. But mine are in a routine.

Yeah. Push boundaries. Last night, Aurelia told me that I love Bodie more. Oh, gosh. You love me? I'm like, you're three. I said, you shouldn't be saying things like this. Like, that's not.

not true, but you're like three-going and third. How are you getting that from? I know if they come out with these things at bedtime. Mum, you don't even love me. You just hug Bodie more than you hug me. Oh, no. And at bedtime as well, she knew how to keep there for that little bit longer. She's a clever girl.

What's one thing that makes you feel good? Well, like, well, the wedding will make me feel good, I think. Yes, it will. Just like spending that quality family time with everyone. I live for it. I live for the family debates. Oh, the debates. Oh, they always go either way in our family.

I don't know if I live for them. We just love it. And your family don't actually talk to each other. You all just shout. I'm like, yeah, that's true. Passionate. Yeah, passionate family. Passionate and dramatic.

I love it. So finally, how would you describe motherhood in three, words. Oh my God. I love it. I'm with you. Thank you so much, Kelsey. It's amazing to talk to you and I encourage people to go and watch your series called Kelsey Parker Life After Tom, Navigating Life With Grief. And also just to go and have a look at Tom's book, Hope, my inspirational life. So thank you. Thanks for your time. Enjoy the wedding. I will. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out

to benefit more juggling parents like us. And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing starting at only £20. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon.