The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Laura Belbin on saying no to shame

Episode Date: August 12, 2022

On this episode Anna chats with Instagram mental health campaigner, podcaster and author Laura Belbin on about how to address feelings of guilt and shame and live authentically with your own version of motherhood.Laura offers a brilliant antidote to the unrealistic, sugar-coated portrayal of ‘perfect’ motherhood, and she is no stranger to ‘going viral’. Laura started her channels after chronic post-natal-depression left her with an insatiable desire to make people laugh and reassure those who doubt themselves every single day: the ones who have struggled to accept the way they look; the mums-to-be about to find themselves taking their first step towards parenthood; and the women bossing it like badasses every single day but never getting the credit they deserve. Laura’s favourite saying is “you are more than enough”. You can follow Laura on Instagram at @knee_deep_in_life You can also purchase Laura's book 'No Shame, How to drop the guilt... from someone who's learned the f*%cking hard way here https://www.amazon.co.uk/No-Shame-drop-guilt-learned/dp/1529148413/ref=sr_1_1?crid=RK5ROC1647V4&keywords=no+shame+laura+belbin&qid=1657885230&sprefix=no+shame+%2Caps%2C58&sr=8-1

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to today's guest episode of the Therapy Edit. And I am so delighted to have with me, Laura Belbin, who is knee-deep in life on the gram. You will most likely know her Instagram from, how can we say, kind of parodies of beautiful people doing beautiful, sexy things. And then amazing Laura, just bringing the realness to it all and bringing the grit.

And I followed her for years now. We actually met in real life a few years ago. we just worked out. It was three years ago. And I just remember sitting at a table with her and the amazing Victoria Eames and just feeling like I was in the most authentic company. And I could, as soon as I sat down, I could just completely be myself. And I think that's everything that flows through your work, Laura, is that invitation and you kind of paving the way in, this is who I am. This is motherhood. And yeah, it's gritty and you're real. And you, free us up and invite us to be the same. I've got loads of other stuff to say, but now I've

been speaking about you. You're there. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Thank you. I'm really good. Yeah. Very excited to be on here as well. I had to like send you a pair of my dirty knickers in the post just for you to agree to this. Well, they are gratefully received. They are grateful framed, framed on my own right now. And you've been, you've been busy. So you've got the no-holes-barred podcast, which is amazing for a laugh for just honesty and authenticity. And you've got your book called Kne-deep in Life and it's wife, mother, realist and why we're already enough. But you've got another one coming out, which is something I'm always so passionate about breaking down, which is no shame, how to drop the guilt from someone who's learned.

It's the F-star-star-king highway, hard way. That's the non-explicit way of saying it. That's the nice way saying it, yeah. That's how it's about. So that's how it probably has to be in front of my kids. Yeah, a lot going on, and you've been through a time of it and using all of that depth and that darkness to encourage us all just to live more authentically.

So thank you for everything that you do. It's a pleasure. I love what I do. love what I do, but also being surrounded by strong women that kind of helped me to, that support system on social media is so crucial because it helps us shed the shame. And I think that when I started writing the book, I realized on such a massive level and I continue to realize on such a huge level just how much we live with shame on a day-to-day basis. And I think that until you really stop, and take stock of what it looks like and how it makes you feel.

You don't realize that it's kind of there ticking under the skin all the time and even down to just the basic society of how we view women versus men. And I know that can be a real split divide discussion between men and women. But there's no denying the fact that we are on completely different paths with regards to how we're seeing respected, especially as parents. And that really infuriates me because it's 2020.

Like, why have we not moved on yet? Why have we not learnt, I don't know, why have we not learnt progression? Yeah. Yeah, but you are, you know, and I think there's a whole like systemic challenge here, isn't there? And like a cultural challenge.

But I think what is amazing about you and following your journey is that you are claiming it for yourself, you know, you are funding. And you, you know, even looking at you on my screen now and your beautiful red-haired glory, like you, it's, you know, as you say about kind of, as we address this shame, we can step into ourselves. And I feel like we have been, had the privilege of watching you step into yourself. Thank you. And that's kind of, that's, that's, that's the hope, I think that, um, you know, I think that, um, you know, I think that, there might be some listeners that don't know,

but I had a really, really, really big breakdown last year where I nearly ended my own life and, you know, sort of full-on hospital admission kind of extreme. And I just thought that that was it. Like my career in what I was doing and what I loved was over because I just felt like I would never be accepted back because I just disappeared. I removed all social media and I just thought,

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. And then, you know, I teetered back very gingerly, but I knew that something felt different within me and those physical changes that people have seen are probably just like the representation of what I've always wanted to be to the world. And yet, you know, that whole saying, you know, don't let people know how weird you are until it's too late and then they can't back out. And I think now I'm just like the outward weirdness of me is, is that. there to see. So, you know, some of my hair is shaved off. It's bright red. I'm covered in tattoos. I've got loads of piercings. And I've done all of that in the space of 12 months because I've just gone, no, I can't do the Susie Homemaker cookie cutter look because it's

not me and it never has been. And I just need to let go of the fear of what society might say about that. It makes me want to cry. I think it's just so, it's just so incredibly powerful. And to go to that depth and to, you know, I think there's so much fear, isn't there, around vulnerability that we fear that we will push, if we are our authentic selves, we will be unacceptable to the world and we fear that people will run away from us when actually, you know, what you've done is you are stepping into yourself and the impact that it is having and the people that you are inspiring in doing so is actually drawing people towards you. And I'd like to think so.

And the ones that run in the opposite direction, we'll always have those that run in the opposite direction. But that's okay because they, you know, we're not for everybody. No one's for everybody. No. And I don't think I want to be for everybody because I think the expectation, and there is a huge expectation on all of us, isn't there? You know, to perform a certain way, to be a certain way, to behave a certain way. And for one sole person to be able to be that for everyone, you can, you, you, you, you, you, you can't. It's not possible without severe mental health issues. You've got to be changing

yourself every second dependent on who you're with. Yeah. And then that's not you actually living to your own ability. And I've definitely been that person as well that's shaped herself to who she's been around for fear of abandonment. And I cover a lot of these things in my book because I've had to learn them the hard way about myself. Like I've really had to sit with myself. And I've heard that saying passed around so much where people go, you've just got to sit with it. And I'm like, nope, I haven't got a clue. Because to me, my learnt behaviour is that I push it away. I push it away. So it's something bad. I feel something bad. I feel disgust. If I feel shame, if I feel anger or hurt, it's wrong. So my immediate reaction is to push that away. And like, I've learned in this process

that I have been so dissociative in my life that there's not many times and I've really had any kind of genuine level of feeling about anything. I've just drifted through it with the fear of feeling, I think. So learning to sit with what you are and who you are and wanting people to accept you is really scary and to come back to this environment

and to feel that acceptance and see the fact that it's helping people, I just, I wish I could put into words, and I'm sure you can kind of relate to it, Anna, it means more than you can put into words, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's actually, it validates the fact that your story, your journey and its authenticity has power, you know, good power. Yeah.

And, yeah, and that vulnerability is actually what, connects us together. Yeah, absolutely. And the fact that we just don't have to hide. And so being able to provide a level of reality across social media is the fact that I am not fixed. I'm working on it and I will have to work on it for the rest of my life is hugely important to me because I don't want to be one of those people that puts out the final product that just looks amazing and happy and wonderful and great. It's not that simple. And it's important that people recognize that. Yeah.

And this is what you do. You know, this is the thread that draws together, everything that you write and share. And it's that desire to say, you know, I don't want you to go where I've been. I want you to address shame. I want you to drop some of that guilt. I want you to see that you're not failing and finding it hard. It's because it is. And I think, you know, you're doing what you can and you're doing.

it really powerfully and I feel like that you know this one thing podcast you've already given us you know you've already given us a powerful one thing in it in what you've already said but what what is that one what is the one thing that you had that that you would like to share with us beyond that as well I think it's for women to realize they're not alone that's my one thing in whatever it is they're experiencing if they're finding motherhood hard if they're finding um that the idea of children hard if they're finding the you know conceiving of children hard all of it like that whole process we are so heavily um expected because we are owners of wounds to want that one thing and that is motherhood and sometimes it doesn't look the way that is you know the the perfect

idealistic ways that you meet a man you fall in love you have a baby and duh that's it like it doesn't always work that way. And I think it's really important for women to understand the fact that whatever process they're in right now of motherhood, whether it be not wanting to become a mother or whether it be wanting to become a mum or being a mum and finding it so much harder than they thought is knowing that that feeling they are not alone with and they're not to feel guilt or shame for it or feeling it and understanding the fact that actually I'm not alone in feeling that feeling. Yeah, because I think that's it.

When we feel and believe that we're alone in it, we can feel like there's something wrong with us or feeling it. And then that's where the shame comes in, isn't it, that you're so passionate about kind of showing people that there is another way. And actually, if we're more authentic with each other and more honest with each other, then how can that, that shame can't exist

when we find compassion for ourselves. No, and I think that's the thing. We can't expect other people to help us with shame if we aren't able or prepared to be able to work on it for ourselves. And I think that's the biggest thing of all of it is you'll never be able to work through it. If you can't expect external validation when you can't validate yourself, basically. Yeah. I mean, that's absolutely right, isn't it?

Because otherwise we get that validation. We feel good for a minute. And then something else comes along and disproves it. So actually, is that being the biggest thing for you then in changing your relationship to some of these feelings? Absolutely. Yeah, I think that speaking to myself in a much nicer tone and being more gentle with myself has been transformative because there is a level of shame when we speak to ourselves in such a negative way. Without a shadow of a doubt, there's that part of us that goes, you know, the self-comparison, there's an element of shame there because the shame is,

but I'm not good enough. And when we speak to ourselves in that really negative way, it does make us feel horrible about ourselves and what I don't I don't really know what our the point of that mission ever is other than to make us feel worse. So I'm really leaning into this idea of the fact that I'm human. I make mistakes and I'm not perfect and sometimes I'm going to need to apologize. Sometimes I'm going to need to apologize to myself because there could have been a situation where I could have dealt with it differently and I'm no longer. able to communicate with that person or that situation. And so I need to go, okay, I could have dealt with that differently.

But you know what? I forgive myself for the fact that I didn't nail it. Because that, you know what? I tried my best. And that kindness to ourselves has so much power. We've just not learned. We've not learned to do it. Yeah, but we can.

Oh, easily we can. But you've got to really dedicate that time to work on yourself with it. Yeah. So what would you say then to the mum that is thinking, I want, I want some of this. You know, I feel like I've hidden within myself. I feel like, you know, I'm heading, I'm in a dark place or I'm heading, you know, what your saying is resonating and I might, I feel like I'm slipping towards that place. What is the one sentence you would love to kind of reach in and say to that It would be that the journey is, it's not linear, and I've learned that big time of recent times. It's not linear.

It will move. It will move up and down. And there is so many conflicting issues with regards to the NHS and how they support mental health. But there are also so many charities up and down the country that will offer therapy. And there are so many different websites. that you can read, you can do so much work yourself to help, you know, there are so many accounts that I follow on Instagram now, much like yourself, that really help with the idea of forgiveness, understanding why you feel the way that you feel. The holistic psychologist is

another good one that I really enjoy listening to and watching and reading and setting some time to yourself to say, I want to feel better. I deserve to love myself more. I deserve to give myself more. And I think that just that and itself has power. But the next part you have to do is you have to dedicate that time. And it's not necessarily some grand two-week cruise away, because that would be lovely, but it's not realistic. It's setting yourself aside that time to go, how can I do this? What do I need to do? Is it download a book and listen to it? Is it see if I can get some CBT therapy through a charity in my local area? Is it starting up exercise because I understand the fact that exercise helps with mental health?

You know, there are so many different things to do and not all of them will cost money. Some of them are free, but you have to invest that time to want to look at it. And another thing that I've realized, and I downloaded an app, and the app was basically explaining the process of self-esteem. and I downloaded it and I read it and I understood the fact that I had and I'm still working on really poor self-esteem and just read

just wanting to understand the fact I have poor self-esteem I tick all of those boxes now I'm going to read why and how I could potentially change that I gave myself that opportunity because I knew that I wanted to change it and I think it's that need and want to change

that you need to have and understand that you're worthy of it. It's true. It's brilliant. And it's finding those things, isn't it? Finding those things. And just having that kind of little seed of faith and hope that there is more for you. Yeah. And there always will be.

Yeah. And feeling undeserving of it and being undeserving of it are two very different things. You might feel undeserving of it. But it's that decision to stand upon that fact that you have value as a human. So thank you. so much. I've got some quick fire questions. I feel like we could chat for hours. But what is a motherhood high for you, Laura? Motherhood high. Bedtime. I love that. I love that. Sitting down and flopping the flop, the moment of the flop. The flop. The flop. Absolutely. And what's

the motherhood low? The morning. Yeah. When they wake up. when it all begins and so much has to happen and I love my children dearly I do they are you know we shouldn't ever have to justify it but it's really caveat the caveat the caveat yeah the caveat but it's really important to acknowledge the fact that motherhood is hard it is no matter who you are it is hard yeah absolutely it's not failing it's having human response to circumstances what's one thing that makes you feel good about me or about motherhood just you what would you like doing what what do you do and you think yeah i feel good i've recently started doing particular workouts to help with my like uh muscle tone

seeing like i've got arms like spaghetti so i'm like you know i need some muscle in that now and i think like dedicating that time to go yeah i'm going to do it it's like 10 minutes a day or whatever it might be and then like hiring a PT and being like yeah you know but it's it's not an unrealistic pity that shoves diet down his throat because I hate the diet culture and it's just like that opportunity to be like yeah I'm doing this for me like this is for me nobody else I'm doing it for me and I love it yeah brilliant and how would you describe motherhood in three words to finish off intense complicated and enriching intense complicated enriching. Yeah, relate to all of those. Well, thank you so much for your time. No, thank you.

Yeah, it's been a pleasure. I want to see your real face at some point, not through a screen. Yeah, absolutely. Because I always, I was saying I'd just devour everything that you do because I just find it so. I find it empowering in your vulnerability and your authenticity. It is empowering. It empowers others. So thank you for everything that you bring. I can't wait for in your four new book. Thank you. No shame. How to drop the guilt from someone who's learned there for stars, stars. in July. So thank you so much. Amazing Laura. Thank you very much for having me. It's been a pleasure. Bye. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it,

please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little book of calm for new mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a mum. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them

on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon. Thank you.