The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Lillie Farrow on finding confidence in motherhood

Episode Date: March 11, 2022

On this episode of The Therapy Edit's 'One thing', Anna Mathur chats with Lille Farrow, Lillie's one thing that she'd like to impart to other parents is to trust your gut and allow yourself to grow in confidence as a parent.Lillie is a talented chef, content creator and mum of three girls. You can take a look at her recipes here http://www.lilliefarrow.com/ and follow her on Instagram at @lilandlife

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with moms everywhere. So join with me for the next 15 minutes as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. So welcome to today's guest episode of One Thing. And with me, I have someone who's never done a podcast before with a one and a half year old snoozing in the background. So I feel really honoured, actually, to be, as you said, breaking your podcast cherry. So I have Lil Farrow. Now, Lil is a chef. You probably have

seen some of her amazing recipes on Instagram. She's on there as Lil and Life. She's a chef. She's just passionate about family and food. And there are some recipes on there that I've earmarked the roasted butternut squash and the slow roasted tomato soup so lots of also lots of batch cooking ideas as well that you have there and so Lil hi how are you feeling first podcast it's lovely to have you I'm a bit nervous I'm kind of wishing I didn't have the two coffees and just had the one this morning but now I'm excited to talk to you yeah I'm with you on the two coffees there oh yeah definitely speak faster after a couple of coffees so yeah so yeah so tell us a little bit about yourself and your passion which is just kind of yeah family and food

and providing just the most amazing colourful recipes and inspiration and just life as well you share life as well don't you on insta i try to yeah it's um it's it's it's a hard balance i think kind of finding that between sharing some of it and not all of it but um i really enjoy what i do so you've you've worked from fine dining so i used to do corporate catering when i left college and then I got pregnant and went back to work. I think when I had my first daughter, I was working at the financial times as I was doing this sort of like catering parties for like canapes and stuff like that. And I went back to work for six months full time because we were in the process of getting a mortgage and it was just the only way that we could make it all

work and then eventually I sort of reduced my hours and then I had another daughter and sort of amongst all of that I started sharing like some food I actually started my Instagram as a weight loss page but that is like way back way back when um but my following grew and I was sharing recipes and food and then it got to the point where I eventually went self-employed just doing content creation and creating recipes still and then we had another daughter and yeah that kind of brings us up to now so it's been a busy few a busy few years so going from kind of creating canapes and corporate settings to cooking as a mum of three but how's that changed the way that you how's that changed the way that you cook it's really it's really lonely i really miss

having a pot wash someone doing the washing up I just love it. It's so flexible like it's not a day that I don't feel grateful to do what I do because it just fits in so perfect with family life and I still get to be creative so it's good. It's a lot of fun. It's such a creative thing isn't it? It is I think

that's the fun of it when I have space to be creative with cooking I enjoy it so much more than when it's just kind of that functional, get something on the plate, get it out there, get everyone fed. So, yeah, thank you for the inspiration that you bring and the colour that you bring. I'm looking forward to that, button at squash. You're welcome.

Thanks, Lil. So the question that I ask, I guess, is if you could share one thing with all the mums, what would that one thing be for you? God, it's really difficult, isn't it? Because it's so hard, like, not to be cliche and sort of think about things that, because I kind of think,

because I've been a parent for so, like, well, not so long, but for eight, nine years now, you kind of think, I surely, like, everyone knows what they need, like, not need to do. But it's just, I think especially being on Instagram, there's so much information out there, isn't there? But I think when I think about it, one thing that I wish I knew sooner was to trust my gut and to, like, just know that I know what's best for my kids and to not kind of take, on any unsolicited advice or there's so many shoulds out there, I think, with parenting. And I've been very fortunate to have three kids and especially having that, I think, has given me with Hallie, I can see how differently I parent her can prepare to the other two.

And I wish I'd been as late back as I am now with Abby and Ila maybe because I think that kind of shows within her personality and she's quite a chill and happy. but yeah i just wish i hadn't listened to outside influences as much and kind of just gone in and thought right what what do i think what do i think's best because there is you're so right there's so much noise isn't there and it's never ending i mean you could literally spend hours going through google page after google page answering one one question that you have about i don't know, say routine or weaning or whatever. So how did you kind of make that transition then from leaning on the external stuff more and then now, as you say, with Halley, just actually

just looking aside yourself and checking with your gut and seeing what actually what's right for us. Like how did you, how did you grow in confidence in that? What was that process for you? I think it's just learning who your people are who you want to actually take. advice from and I can tell you that there's probably aside from Kieran obviously as their dad there's probably only one person that I would take advice from and that's my own mum and even then like sometimes she might say something that I disagree with so yeah I think it's definitely been a process but we all I think I truly believe that every mum every mother knows what's best for their kid and I always say you know and I even say this to Abby when we've had a

really shit day. I say, look, I'm trying my best. I'm not always going to, you know, my best isn't sometimes not very good, but I'm trying my best. You know what I mean? It's like, I say sometimes my best is really shit and sometimes my best is really good. It depends on the day. And that's teaching them as well, isn't it? I, you know, I often will say, say to my kids, you know, I'm just, I'm just doing my best. I'm not going to get it right all the time. I'm certainly not perfect. And I think it's, it's that realistic. expectation, isn't it? And just, yeah, acknowledging the humanness of parenting and showing our children that and

being okay to hold our hands up. We're like, yeah, I'm going to get it wrong. I'm doing my best. So when people come at you with advice, because I think as soon as you can get pregnant, you can be standing in a queue and someone will come at you with some advice that you even ask for, and especially on social media, I don't know about you, but often I'm on the receiving end of a lot of advice and it's you know a lot of it is just caring it's just because people want to be supportive or help me perhaps in a topic that I've opened up so when you're

trusting your gut more and people are coming at you with it with kind of well-meaning advice mostly how do you how do you respond how do you respond to that I guess I would just it's so hard I think especially with Instagram it is like you say you get a lot on there I would say I probably get more comments online than I would in real life. I don't think people these days are as interfering. Like, you wouldn't go to the park and someone's going to go, oh, you shouldn't do that. Like, that's never happened to me.

But it's more when I think about that is like maybe your child's, Hallie's having a tantrum or say, for instance, we were at the park the other day and she was literally rolling around in the dirt. And I think, you know, there were probably a couple of like people looking, thinking oh she's really going for it there but I'm just she's happy so I just think I look at her she's happy I'm happy and that's the most important thing so I kind of just shut out the noise and if if someone was to say something I would probably just be polite and be like oh okay yeah like thanks for that but inside I'm not going to do that but in a polite way say okay thank you

but no thank you sort of thing. Yeah, I like that. So you're polite, you're like, cool, thank you. That's very kind. But actually, ultimately, you're there thinking, does this fit with my sense of what is right or not? And if not, you can just let that bit of advice or that opinion go. Yeah.

And like you say, it's normally well-meaning, especially online like people, just being nice. But I think it's really easy to sort of make a flippant comment without seeing the full picture even not online in real life it's so easy to we all judge we all you know it's sort of have to take that step back and think like right no i know what's best um i might not always get it right but i'm trying so that's all we can do yeah i think that's it isn't it it's there's a level of acceptance in this of i'm i accept that i'm not always

going to get it right and it and that takes having a realistic bar because i think often we, you know, the temptation is to aim for maybe perfectional getting it right all the time and then berating ourselves when we don't. But actually, the more we can accept our humanness, that actually we're not created to get it right all the time. And it's not even helpful for our children to have a parent that gets the right all the time because then how can they learn about the world and it can be disappointing and it can be messy and it can be a bit wonky and it can go a bit wrong.

And actually, if we are comfortable with that in our own home, then aren't we giving them a gift in helping them navigate that, both in themselves and in the wider world, like later down the line. Absolutely. And I think as well, it's a struggle, but I get, I get quite anxious quite often. It's something that I have to manage, but it's really hard when you're an overthinker and a worryer because you're kind of your guts can sometimes be wrong. I think it's kind of like you create this scenario in your head maybe, but it's just, yeah, just trying to find that stillness and just go, right, okay, I've got this, but it's not easy, like having that time and those resources to draw upon this. It's taken me a long time to get

to this point, and I still, daily, like, I still struggle massively with parenting and just feeling confident in being a mum. It's really difficult. It's a constant learning, isn't it? and a constant, well, this worked yesterday. Why isn't it working today? And a constant shift and a change. And I think you're right in that, you know, sometimes it's seeking that stillness and how can we clear some of that noise in our mind

or calm some of the overthinking in our mind in order to actually access and listen to what our gut might be saying to us. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, such honest words, Lil, thank you. Such honest words and just incredibly relatable. that even in, you know, even in this journey for you of, like, trusting your gut a bit more, it's that honesty of there's still this overthinking, there's still the anxiety, I'm using some tools, it doesn't always go right, but actually the main thing is, you know,

just accepting the humanness both for ourselves and for our kids who are watching on. And, yeah, and just will hopefully learn to have grace and compassion for themselves in those moments as well in the future. So thank you so much for sharing that with it. it's okay welcome so we finish off with a quickfire round um i've got a few quick five questions for you so little what is a motherhood high for you just when they are all playing nicely together when i hear them all laughing together it brings me so much joy it's actually a lot rarer than people think like there's a certain moment when they're all happy and playing and laughing. If I'm in the other room, it just, honestly, it just makes me more happy than anything

when they get along. Just listening in on that enjoyment. Yeah. That enjoyment of each other. Such a sweet sound compared to the squabbling and the fighting, I'm sure, isn't it? So what's a motherhood low for you? I think we've had a really difficult couple of years with Ila when she was born um my partner is in recovery for addiction and alcoholism so those two years were probably the toughest ever ever um and i'm always very conscious of how maybe that's affected her now um it's something that i'm working on it's an ongoing thing for me in therapy sort of my relationship with her and um yeah it's it's difficult it's really difficult but she she's amazing and they all are

and I think it's just it's kind of like finding the balance with your different relationships with them how the different needs are kind of saying to someone the other day like when you think

oh I'm having a baby you kind of forget that they're going to grow up into a person and like you have all these different emotions that you have to deal with like I know I've done it with all of them you kind of forget that they're actually

going to be a person with their own mind I was thinking this other day like I never were when I was thinking about having a baby and there was that dream, you know, I never really projected myself forward into them going to school and them being teenagers. And you're so right, it's those differing relationships

that you have with each of them and the different needs and navigating those and seeking different resources to support each of those relationships. Yeah, challenging. The biggest challenge, I think, one of the biggest challenge is. So, Lil, what's one thing that makes you feel good? Being alone. I love that.

Oh, yes. I love being alone. Dog walks. I love dog walks. I love laughing with the kids. I love cooking. All of those things. I can't pick one.

But right now, the top of my list is being alone. Yeah. I hope you get some of that space today. And finally, how would you describe motherhood in three quick words? Hard. amazing and messy hard amazing and messy such truth well thank you so much for joining us and a reminder to everyone that they can find you and all your incredible recipes and your blog all over at lil and life on instagram so i'll direct people towards that but thank you thank you

for your honesty your wisdom and sharing some of your story with us oh thank you for having me Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Welf. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.