The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Louise Pentland on how to boost your confidence as a mother

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

In this episode Anna chats to Louise Pentland about how mothers should pay attention to how they are seen through the lens of their children as it's undoubtedly with more kindness and affection than we view ourselves.Louise is a Vlogger and #1 Sunday Times Bestselling Author as well as an NSPCC Ambassador for Childhood. You can follow Louise on Instagram at @louisepentland and you can order her brand new novel, Time after Time, here https://www.amazon.co.uk/Time-After-must-read-bestselling-Pentland/dp/1838774084?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1655901343&sr=1-1&linkCode=sl1&tag=spriofglit-21&linkId=04f7ab7f4b2e729a6229fcc5d44dc4ae&language=en_GB&ref_=as_li_ss_tl

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. It's a guest episode today and I'm so excited. to have with me the original, we were saying the eve of YouTube bloggers Louise Pendland. Hello.

Hello. You are a mum of two. You've got a podcast called Mother's Meeting. You are passionate about sharing motherhood and helping, like inspiring us to, I guess, make the most and feel positive about the good things in our lives. Yes. You've got a book coming out in summer. Yes. A fiction book called Time After Time, I will be pre-ordering that on the old Amazon Kindle.

But anyway, how are you? How are you? Thank you. I'm really well, thank you. I'm in a really good headspace at the moment, which is nice because I've spent a year being a bit not. And I'm looking forward to the next season, whether that's summer, but also like the next season of life. I'm feeling on the cusp of a new season. I'm launching in here, like you can give me some therapy.

I feel like I'm on the cusp of a new season but I don't know what it is yet so I'm excited to find out but yeah I'm very well thank you for having me on your lovely podcast boy that just made me think have you ever done those holidays I haven't because I find it a bit terrifying

that you kind of pay for the holiday and then you don't know where you're going but you know you're going somewhere good but you don't know it's making me physically recoil even considering doing that I can't bear things like that. I hate surprises in any form. I like to over-research

absolutely everything. So the thought of going somewhere, not knowing where you're going, no, thank you. I wouldn't even go out in my local town and not know what restaurant I'm going to. It's a strong no from me, but hats off to those people that love the sense of adventure. I couldn't do that. I am not in there. I'm not their target market. I also like, I like a bit of trip advisor, a bit too much though. But if you read too many reviews, you end up not wanting to go anywhere. Yeah. Have you ever been to Disney It's cold. No, I haven't. You can book restaurants 180 days in advance, and that's my kind of holiday.

So this next season of life you're teetering on, and you don't know what it is. That must be a mixture of kind of like, ah, what's it going to look like? But also, hmm, interesting feeling. Yeah, I'm trying to tell my brain it's exciting and not nerve-wracking. But I do feel a bit. I'm a naturally nervy person. I'm a worrier when I was a kid they were like oh you're such a worry ward

so I do worry about things but one I was just being a bit polite because it's your podcast I'm excited but also I'm trying to make myself be excited because I saw recently a friend of mine I don't know if you know SJ and Naomi SJ Strum

they are going through a really difficult time at the moment Naomi is fighting bowel cancer and she was waiting for some scans and naturally Naomi was very nervous for what the results of those scans might be and Naomi said to her and they shared this on Instagram Naomi said but what if it's good news and so I'm trying to take her ethos for life but what if it's good news and think of things a bit more like that just brings balance into it doesn't it because I think it's so easy

to kind of find ourselves wandering off down those roads that are less pleasant and maybe quite scary and actually it's just reminding yourself that there might be another way It could turn out a different way. So it's kind of, it's not like killing it with positive mental attitude. It's more like, but hey, like it could also be good. It could be quite good. Yeah, it just brings a bit of balance. I like that.

So I feel like you've already bought us a load of wisdom. Oh, no, to what else is wisdom? Well, it was great wisdom to share. So Louise, if you could share one thing with all the mums, what would that one thing be? So my one thing to share with other mums is that. that your child doesn't view you the way you do. I think that we are our own biggest critics, and we're very, very, very quick to feel not good enough

to maybe look at a picture and say, oh, God, don't share that, I look horrible. Or no, don't take a picture of me now, I look terrible, or I've been such a rubbish mum today, I just did a picky dinner, all that sort of stuff that we all berate ourselves for. Your children do not feel that way. your children think you are the best thing since sliced bread.

They don't see mummy with bags under her eyes. They just see lovely mummy. They don't see Mummy was too tired to put dinner together, so did a picky tea. They think, oh, yay, we've had cocktail sausages and little sandwiches. Isn't Mummy fun? And to cherish those small moments where you think you're not doing good enough, you are. Look at yourself through your children's eyes.

If you're going to judge yourself as a mum, judge yourself through the people whose mom you are, your children. And the reason I like to talk about this and tell people this is my mum died when I was seven. She was only 37 when she passed away, which is the exact age I am now, which is weird for me. And people always say, oh, Jane hated having a photo taken. There's barely any photos of her. I've only got about six bits of video footage off and I'm like, oh, Jane hated that she hated it. I never look at a single photo of her and think, oh, she was a bit fat there. Oh, God, she was a bit ropey, it's a bit tired, or the house was messy.

I just think, oh, look at my gorgeous, lovely mum and cherish all those little things about her. So I want to encourage other mums to not judge themselves to these perceived standards that, like, society and the internet has given us for what's a perfect mum and judge yourself by your own children's standards. Yeah, that's so powerful. And I think especially when you think about your mum, and you just think you were just grateful to have her. You were just grateful that she was there

and grateful for the things that she did do. You don't kind of, as a child, you don't analyze all the things that your mom could have done or she could have said it like that or she could have spent like two minutes longer with me at bedtime or she could have cooked this elaborate thing. You don't see what could have happened. You just engage, well, you just love what did happen.

Yeah. Yeah. Children naturally, innately adore their parents. We know this because when you see, for example, this is like quite an extreme example, I know somebody that works in the police and part of their role is unfortunately to take children out of homes where it's not a suitable environment for them to live for whatever reason. And those children, all they want is to get back to their parents, even if their parents on paper are not great parents.

Perhaps there have all sorts of other issues going on, which is not for this podcast. But those children just want to be back with mum and dad because we just naturally love our mum and dad so, so hard. And I think that we give ourselves a really difficult time. We tell ourselves we're not good enough. We tell ourselves we're not good moms. We feel mum guilt.

That's something we hear so much. But our children aren't putting that on us. It's everyone else around us. And the only people that matter in your mothering relationship, are the people you are mothering your children. That's so true. And I wonder how different it might be for my kids in certain moments where I'm getting crossed with myself in my head.

I'm probably like all tense and maybe frustrated with myself because I could have done this or should have done that better. And actually they probably get that vibe off me. You know, they'll probably sense that I'm not happy or I'm not kind of very present in that moment whereas actually I guess if you take that pressure off yourself to get everything right and to make all those right decisions and then then maybe you're going to be more relaxed for them because you're taking the pressure off they're not sensing that stress in you because you know all the things that you could have done better and you're going to be relaxed for them yeah but you're going

to be relaxed for you as well and you deserve to be relaxed whether you're a mother or not you deserve to be relaxed and happy and you can't pour from an empty cup so it is really important to make sure that you're okay so that you can then be an okay parent because if you're running on empty and you're exhausted and you've berated yourself and you've got yourself in a real pickle it's then really hard to pour love onto somebody else yeah that's so true so do you do you find that do you is this something you practice or do you think it's something that comes more easily than what you do it or do you have like a little tussle in your head where you're having to like have this conversation with yourself like this conversation in myself this one yeah it definitely

doesn't come naturally i don't sort of feel i'm not like yes hi kids mommy's the best um they might enjoy that though yeah i should i should wake them up with that every day um but when i am having one of those days i often think about this when i'm driving like if i'm always driving them somewhere so i'll be like oh i've not spent proper time with them and also all their bags need sorting out for school and i haven't sorted out dinner and i've got 8000 bits of paperwork to do and i think that haven't taken the washing out the washing machine and i just think stop just stop this we're all in the car together we're happy and healthy put something nice on to play on the radio and sing along to it with them and that's fine that's enough that will do and then they're happy so just yeah i i have to

almost mother myself in that moment. I have to sort of say to like little Louise that's getting really like, I'm just say, shh, it's all right. You're okay. Look where you are right now. Just stop that. And then I do. But I definitely have to do that almost daily. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm with you on that. I'm just saying practice what I preach, not what I do. But it is, I think it is having that little conversation with yourself. And I think you're so right in the in the mothering yourself. And the mothering that part of you or that younger part of you that is like, but I could have done this, but I should have done that. And I can't believe I said that. And I should have made more effort with that. And it's just like, whoa, it's okay. You know, you're there. Yeah, you have to

bring yourself back to the moment a lot of the time. I think motherhood is so layered because it's not just in this moment. I need to make sure my child is warm, clean, fed. It's all the other things. It's all the mummin, like the mummy admin. So have they got all their school uniforms sorted? Have you done that permission slip? We need to make sure they do that bit of homework now because tomorrow it's gymnastics. And also I said that I would call such and such about something. And you also need to be running your own life and having your own job so that you can

afford to pay the bills so that they can live in a house. So it's such a lot. So it's often bringing yourself back to the moment. We're like, just stop where you are right now. You're okay. What can you actually do in this next 10 minutes? deal with that and then deal with the next 10 minutes. You know, when people say one day at a time, I'm like one half an hour at a time.

One minute at a time. And I think I love that that idea, you know, that thought about being in the car and thinking of all the things that you should have done and you need to do. You can't do them in the car. You can't. You can't actually physically do anything about it. And you're, you know, you're sitting there thinking I should have spent more time with the kids. And in all of that thinking, you're not doing what actually matters to you.

yeah and in the car you are spending time with your kids yeah they're in the car they're with you they're there but i'm berating myself for not having quality time when i could just put frozen on or whatever something like that week and have the quality time yeah be in that moment and just cherish those small moments and it's and it's that when people think oh but i haven't that wasn't that wasn't quality time because on instagram they've just been they've all just been on this big holiday or done that big day out it's not it doesn't matter those things are just like the icing on the cake it's I will look back and remember that my mum used to talk to me in the car.

And we did go on the nice holidays as well, but they're not the things I treasure. I treasure the moments in the car, those little moments where mummy was there with me, just being my mummy. I love that. You know, last night I started a new thing,

because often I have to put the three kids down, like on my own, and I decided I was going to spend 10 minutes, I think I'd heard this on a podcast, I was going to spend 10 minutes with each of them. So I put the older two in front of the TV. I put the little ones. on to bed and spent 10 minutes with her. And then, you know, with each of them, and with the

boys, I ended up drawing really bad quad bikes and random stuff that was quite embarrassing when I look at it. And, you know, and actually they just love that time just with me. And it was led by them and it was only 10 minutes. And, you know, I think you're so right. It's those moments of connection. Those are the things that are important more than the experience and the big kind of the mountaintop high memory making but it's those little moments where they feel like they matter to us and we've slowed down and stopped enough for them yes yeah it's those moments of connection that I think are the foundation for all the good things all the big big things um I hope that when my girls grow up of course I hope they remember the trips to

Disney world and the days out in London and like wearing freely dresses and all those lovely things. But I hope that at the core they just know that mummy was always there and mummy is on their side and by their side forever. And I tell them that as well quite a lot. Not so much Pearl because she's only four. But Darcy's just turned 11 and she started to sort of discuss some bigger things with me like she does dancing and there's a particular dance. She doesn't, at the moment she doesn't want to do. And I was like, give it one more go. And if you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it. I'm on your side. I have to actually tell her that because they are in a little. So I say, I'm on your side. And you can see that like, okay, mum's on my team.

Yeah. You know, I think what you're saying here that it's so powerful is about instead of just focusing on all of the stuff you could or should be doing, just know that actually they're just looking to you and they just want to connect. And it's in those moments. It's in the moments where you stop worrying in the car about all the things waiting for you at home and you just sing with the kids it's in the moment where you have those conversations and you're like hey I'm on your side you know I'm on your side or just those few minutes where you do something that they want to do and you're connecting with them and those are the things that you look back and you remember with your mom and that yeah it's just inspiring us to just to place more I guess more priority on those

and all of the other noise that often makes us feel like a guilty old failure yeah I just I also just want to add, I think sometimes we feel pressure that we've got to make time and stop everything else we're doing. And there might be a lot of people thinking, well, I can't. I don't have time. I am busy. I do have to do my job to earn money to pay my bills. And I do have to do all these other things. I'm not necessarily saying, right, stop your day and, you know, sit all cross-legged and stop that. I'm just saying in those little moments, like when you're driving the car and your mind's wearing, or maybe when you're cooking a dinner, or. or when you're doing your emails for just one minute, have that moment of connection. Like if I was, if I'm writing and Darcy comes in,

I'll just close my laptop lid, make sure I press save and then let her have her conversation because she's going to have that conversation with me anyway. So I can either half ignore her and carry on writing or I can just shut that lid just for one minute. I'm not saying, right, everybody,

stop what you're doing, you know, focus on your kids. I'm just saying just, you're using the word, connection. I think that's perfect. Just make proper connection as much as possible because that is the most valuable thing you can do in motherhood, I think. And I'm not an expert. I love those. It makes it, it makes it, it makes it doable. It just takes the pressure off. And I've got this one thing

I try and do it when the kids are talking to me. Just look at them. Yeah. Look at look at their faces. Because when you're doing stuff, it's so easy, you know, but that is connection. It's just like really simple little bits of connection dotted throughout the day. Or dotting throughout the day. Yes. the morning. It adds, little ones. I've got another one that someone told me,

sorry, I know that you don't have time for this, but someone told me this. I think it was actually Caroline Hirons that told me this and she said she got it

from someone else and I wonder if she got it from you maybe. But when your child enters the room, greet them, like make a song and dance, make them feel so welcome.

So when Darcy comes in the room or Pearl comes and I'll say, Pearly pops and look at her face rather than, because it's really easy to be like,

yeah, and not even acknowledge so every time i'm like pearly pops and now i've just got in a habit it's not i don't it's not hard for me to do that and they feel seen and wanted and like oh mom's really happy to see me it's nice it's just those little like teeny tiny things that all add up throughout their lives yeah because that is connection isn't it that's connection it's connecting in that little second so we have some quick five questions for you yeah okay ready ready what's a motherhood high um a mother High is seeing my children dance.

They both really like dancing and just watching them move. Watching Pearl laugh with her friends as she dances because she's more just messing around and it's so gorgeously happy. But Darcy, when she dances, you can see that her brain has totally relaxed and she's just in another place and it's beautiful. Oh, lovely. So free. And what's a motherhood low for you?

Oh, a motherhood low for me is when something lovely happens and I think I wish my mum could see this and could experience this as a grandmother and as my mother that's a low and she can't because she's passed away so yeah that's a low that recognition of what's being missed yeah yeah and what's one thing that makes you feel good um being in my little nest in my house with my call them my awesome foursome so Liam and both girls um when it's the four of us doing something nice is like my dream so whether we're at home doing something or um we really like to go to center parks we've become center parks people in the last five years i never thought i would in fact i mocked those people and now i'm heartily one of them and i just really like it i'm just like yeah this is

nice this is my like good isn't it yeah yeah yeah and how would you describe motherhood in three words to finish off the greatest gift oh i love that a little sentence, the greatest gift. Well, thank you so much for your time. That's really, yeah, I'm going to be putting some of these things into action. I love those little small implementable just ways to get kind of that little like, oh, dose of connection. Just to squeeze more juice out of motherhood. Yeah, a little squeeze. Yes, I love that. Oh, thank you so much for having me and for all that you do. I love following you online and find your got to get trick. Use it all the time. Oh, gosh, yeah. That's a real game changer for me, turning up.

got to do I get to. It doesn't work with everything. I get to take the bins out. Doesn't have quite the same shine as I get to cuddle my child. But yeah, at least I've got legs that I can take the bins out and amount to ask my husband to do it. Yeah. Thank you for having me. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums,

grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos all with the sole focus of support, in your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.