The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Lucy London on being honest with your children

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

In this episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats with Lucy London who tells listeners that her One Thing is 'to be honest with your children drawing on her experiences of coming out as a gay to her family.Lucy London is a fashion designer, the Creative Director at London Queer Fashion Show and programmes short fashion courses for Jimmy Choo Academy.You can follow Lucy on Instagram at @lucylondonofficial

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to you today's guest episode of the Therapy Edit and today I have with me Lucy London officials. So Lucy is a fashion designer. She is now really engaged in fashion business and fashion education. She is the creative director of London Queer Fashion Show. She's also the director of short courses at Jimmy Choo Academy. And also she has got an extra account with Dolly Porton,

the most wonderful, humorous pup ever. So Lucy, welcome. How are you today? Thanks, Anna. Yeah, really good. I feel great. I had COVID and I'm over it now. So now I'm like full of energy and yeah, loving life back to normal. It's good, isn't it? Because when you, when you feel better, I suddenly, you kind of suddenly feel really good and you realize how rough you felt and how good it feels to to feel fit and healthy again. Yeah, absolutely. I think I dodged it for so long. So it was the first time of getting it. So it was a bit of a shock. And then I'm one of those people that I can't sit still. and obviously it doesn't matter what you've got. If you're a bit poorly, you have to sit still, don't you?

So it's quite good for me, really, to sit still for a while. But now I'm back, I'm kind of like, oh, I'm loving it. I'm loving being able to walk without being breathless and being able to, and I love to talk. So for my whole house, it was a fantastic break. But for me, it was really frustrating, yeah. It was frustrating, isn't it? All those little outlets of the chatting and the doing and the working and those things

that kind of come together to make you you when they're kind of depleted or taken away for a bit that's it's challenging isn't it it is challenging and I think that over the last well definitely I'd say five six years or so when I kind of engaged in a in a fantastic therapist I'd had therapists before over my life but a fantastic therapist I now completely value the kind of silence and being able to sit with myself and doing doing the work the work I should say as far as meditation and things. But being poorly for me is a bit of a trigger. So like being poorly and kind of thinking, oh, you know, I can't actually physically, it's that restriction, isn't it? It's like if you choose to do it, it's slightly different than being kind of held back

from doing it. So yeah, it's kind of, again, it's like made me stop and think and realize as clever as I think I am, there's still quite a bit to do. Oh gosh. Yeah, those moments where like a another layer of the onion is peeled away and you think, oh gosh, oh no, there's more. But it sounds like you've got some great tools, though. So is meditation something that you, that you leave? Yeah, I do, I would say I fall on it, which is not the best way to practice it. So it's not about using it when you feel like you need it. It's doing it all the time. And I've had to kind of learn that the hard way. But I also kind of, I really feel the base like, it's kind of I started it. And I thought, well,

if I do it in the mornings, I was quite skeptical. You know, I was kind of like, I'm a believer in all these things, but I was kind of skeptical as like, well, you know, if I get up, you know, 15 minutes early, that's 15 minutes less sleep or 15 minutes less, like, laying. I don't know if it's worth it. Like, I actually don't think it's worth it, but we'll see. And so I started doing it.

And I just kind of thought, it's pretty odd that when I do it in the mornings, I do actually feel more in control of me during the day. and I don't feel as, I don't know, I guess out of control, I guess is the best way to put it. I feel more in control of myself, my emotions. I don't know I just seem to have like a happier head. And I do know that is true because I've done periods of like, okay, but it's just me. It's just a phase. I'm feeling really positive at the moment.

It's nothing to do with that. And then I'll stop doing it for a while and just because I'm like trying to trick myself into thinking that it can't possibly be just that, you know, making. a difference. And if you stop it for a period of time, I start to go back into old habits, old patterns, and yeah, you can feel really quite low and down again. So, I mean, it really does help me. And I'm kind of one of those people that now, when I'm around anybody, I'm one of those annoying people that kind of go, you should try meditation. It really works. You know, it doesn't work for everyone, but it just works for me. So I'm quite happy, yeah.

That's so powerful, isn't it? And you're just even listening to you is making me think, oh, I actually really want to put that back in my life again. And I think sometimes the image that we have of meditation in itself can stop us from wanting to do it because it's like got to sit down for ages and silence. And I used to find that you've just doing five minutes of like a guided thing with an app was really helpful. So how do you fit that in? And what do you do? Do you sit there? No, no, no, not at all.

I wish I had hours. I think that the way that I started it, I mean, I've got to be honest with you, I would say probably, I don't know, 10 years ago or so, I could not have done it because I couldn't stay silent. I couldn't stay still. And the thought of that would terrify me with my own anxiety. And I filled every waking moment and probably much of my sleep with thought. And doing and it got to a point where I was just completely on this rollercoaster of burnout. And it kind of circles back really into a lot of why I was really excited to talk to you and I followed you for years and years and years. And I saw so much of myself in you when I started following you. I don't have babies anymore, but they're always my babies and they need a lot still but that really suited my lifestyle then and my anxiety and my depression then because it meant that I was needed. I had to survive. I had to live. I had to get up.

I had to make the world in my head unscary because if I was making it unscary for them it would hopefully I hoped that it would be unscary for me. And I also wanted to try and make perfect because I'm a perfectionist and I want everyone to be happy and I want everything to be joyous and fulfilling and I've learnt over huge amounts of work and also now having adult children who have spoken back to me and told me about all the things that I thought that I had made perfect the harsh reality of them knowing that it wasn't. perfect and actually they're okay, they're all right. And, you know, I did pretty good job, really. And the realization of all of that has allowed me to not only understand myself and

accept myself and accept that in my, you know, I get told by, I was told for many, many years by friends and family. You live in a fantasy world, Lucy. You live in a bubble. It's like Lucy's world. And I was like, I like it here. It's really nice. It's a really nice place. But it's constantly disappointing. You know, you're constantly let down when people don't respond to you or opportunity doesn't respond in the right way or, you know, you have, you have a child that's poorly. You know, I had my youngest, my second child, was very, very poorly and I couldn't fix it. And I often think that he was sent as one of my lessons kind of thing because I couldn't make it okay and I still can't make it okay but it is okay like everything is fine and it's just how how life is and so meditation

for me has been like a journey of I find like I have a huge praise for myself the fact that I can sit there and I enjoy now I can't believe I can you know I absolutely love sitting alone being alone I don't need anyone, I don't need anything around me, I can just sit with myself. And for anyone that kind of hears this and thinks, you know, well, I could never do that or, oh, well, I wouldn't want to do that. I think there's such a straight, I mean, for me, it's a huge power to be able to do that and not go into this awfully dark place. I was scared to be alone. I was scared to be on my own. I was scared not to have a direct drive, a goal, a need, because if I didn't have that, then my existence.

I didn't know whether my existence would be enough for me. So that reality of being able to do, I do 15 minutes. You know, I do 15 minutes meditation. I can do 45. I'm really happy doing 45. I've got it. I will do it. But it's really important for me to, for me also, it's like a priority.

I'm prioritising myself. So it's like my 15 minutes in the morning is like, that's my time. If I can do it in the evening as well, if I feel like, if I'm quite anxious in the evening, I've had really, I mean, my. My life is very busy. The fashion world is a very demanding space and one that has fitted my personality absolutely perfectly and a perfectionist personality perfect. But I'm at the age now, you know, in my mid-40s where I value my time and I value, you know,

my worth and I value my space and who holds my space with me. and I love it when I can just, you know, give myself that time. And it's something I never, ever, ever thought I'd be able to do. That's so powerful, that journey from finding it really, really hard and a challenge of identity to kind of just sit and slow and be. And it was reminding me of a line that has always stayed with me of Dido. Can you remember Dido? Yes.

I'm so lonely. And she's saying, I'm so lonely, I don't even want to be with myself anymore. And I've really felt that in the past. And I think there's, you know, it's amazing that you're, you found a way and a place through therapy and those conversations and the people that you allow into your life and to, you know, to, to know you, to know you, that you've gotten to a place where you can slow down and be. In fact, you, you crave that sometimes and it's giving you so much, so much back. And I normally, I ask this question right at the beginning, but I feel like you've given us,

you've given us a lot in this is you know that one thing that you want to share with mums is that is that is that you know find that tool of meditation but also how you were touching on that perfectionism that that consumes so much of you and that you know that desire just to make life good and safe for the kids and and how you weren't you couldn't always do that sometimes that's taken out of your hands but actually i love the fact that they they can look back now and say, yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't perfect, mum, and actually we're doing all right. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that when I, when I knew I was going to come and chat to you, and I kind of, obviously, I gave it some thought. And, you know, I've listened to some of your

podcast stuff. And I just kind of thought, well, you know, I, I listened to quite a lot of your stuff and I, and I, I'm sad for me that I didn't, I'm not, like, I haven't got baby in arms now, because it would have been so good for me then. And there wasn't anything like that then. And so it was like books. And obviously, as you know, trying to find time or peace to read a book is impossible. But I did think about the question, you know, if I could tell you one thing. And my thing that I was going to tell you all was be honest with your children. And I think that all those years back, and I struggle with it now.

I do struggle with it now because I just think I don't really, I would much prefer my children to never, obviously, It sounds ridiculous, but never feel pain and never be confronted with anything that could possibly overshadow a moment in their waking lives. And it's so ridiculous, you know, because the world isn't perfect. And actually, now I reflect on it. And especially conversations that I've had with my daughter, you know, it's not, it doesn't injustice really. to set them up in that way. And, you know, oh, well, everything's lovely. I mean, my children are very aware that in my head,

everything is lovely all the time. And I try and create that for myself because who doesn't? Everyone wants to feel, you know, loved and peace and all those things. But the reality is that, you know, your children and you and your family will go through really difficult times. And that might be through health, it might be financial, it might be emotional, it might be, you know, you go on holiday and everything goes wrong or, you know, and you just think, oh, I've been saving for this forever and now it's all gone wrong. And every, you know, I've been, you know, talking about this for weeks. They're really excited and the pool isn't open and the door won't open. And, you know, I remember a holiday, I went on once. And, you know, within the first 15 minutes, my youngest had, you know, taken a few totally little steps. as he did then and fell straight into the fire gray and basically knocked out one of his very first front tooth, you know, blood everywhere. And I just was like, well, this is disastrous.

This isn't, this isn't anything like it was meant to be. And now he won't have a tooth. You know, it was just like one thing after another. And I should have been watching him. Did he touch the chair? Did he actually fall? I just turned for a second. Like, why did I do that? And it's like, these things are going to happen. You know, and it was fine. He ate ice cream for the next two days and probably loved it. You know, so, but there's so much wrapped up in motherhood and parenthood and having this ideal. And I think especially when it depends on your, obviously, your relationship with your parents.

And I've really done a lot of work of my relationship with my parents and how that's impacted, how I then parent my children. And I'm way too, I'm way too giving. I'm way too nice. I love too much. I think one of my favorite stories. And I mean, I wish they were here. I wish my kids were here now to kind of speak to you about it. But I remember when I dropped my, my oldest off at school, so she was in reception when I had my second. I wanted to leave five years because I physically couldn't cut. I don't know how anyone does it with very close children. I really don't know how you do it. I really you don't know how you do it. I physically couldn't do it.

So I had one at five, so it kind of waving off my daughter at nursery, and I, you know, have a fantastic day and, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I said, you know, don't forget, don't forget. And I remember her kind of screaming from the top of this little staircase where they had to go up to a reception. I know, mommy, you love me. And I just thought, oh, do I say it that often?

Do I say it that? My kids are like that, yeah. Even now, honestly, Mom, you just said it so much. But you do not. I don't know why you say it so much, you know. And it's like we all have our history. We all have our reasons for doing the things we do as parents. We just kind of need to give ourselves a break.

And they do turn out, okay. They really do. Thank you so much for that. I have got some quick-fire questions for you to finish. finish off. Yeah? Yeah. You look a bit shocked.

Yeah, I didn't mention that bit. I think people would be listening to all of the podcast and I didn't know that bit was coming. Just at the end. Just a few. So, Lucy, what is a motherhood high for you? A quick motherhood high? My children knowing how much I love them. Oh, yes.

And a motherhood low. What's a motherhood low for you? I think a motherhood low for me was being a year. being a young mother alone, I felt, I felt I was completely alone. I had no support, is how I felt. And now I look back, I was, I was really quite depressed. And I covered it up very, very well, because my personality wouldn't allow me to accept it. And I think it's probably one of my lowest moments in my life. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to turn to, where to go. And it was, it was really, really low. But I did go to my GP, and I did see,

seek help and I did start some therapy at that point. But I remember if, you know, just as that quick fire question, it's like that point was quite devastating to me. Yeah. And being someone who is, looks like you have it together can sometimes be, you know, it's a safety mechanism, but it can actually keep you alone, can't it? Because people, it can be very believable, can't it? Absolutely. And we're all together. We're all, you know, I know everyone in my professional world, et cetera, and everyone that knows me. They would never describe me as anxious or they'd never describe me as depressed. They would never describe me as those things. But lots of us are all of those things. And it's completely fine. It's completely natural to go through periods, waves or constants of that. And it's just

taken me a long time to realise it. And I accept it now. You know, it's just the way it is. Yeah, a lot of acceptance coming through today. And what's one thing that makes you feel good? anything well your red lipstick's making me feel good today putting red lipstick on really gets me ready for the day my meditation makes me feel good

sharing time with my family so my wife and my children and us all being together is really fun it's a really we're all just such different personalities and we bring in such a big mix it's it's really it's good It's good fun being with family, yeah.

It's being together. And how would you describe motherhood in three words to finish off? A roller coaster. I would describe it as a roller coaster. So it's like that anticipation, the excitement of it, and then you're kind of on it, and it's like a white knuckle ride. And it's the scariest thing you've ever done in your life.

And you can't really breathe because the air is coming into your lungs too quickly. and then you know it's kind of overwhelming all consuming you can't wait to get off and then it slows down a little bit and you kind of go I want to go again you know I want to do it all again it's the best thing ever yeah I love that analogy oh especially when you explain it like that so thank you so much lucy for coming on and chatting with us and people can find you on Instagram at Lucy London official where you share your day and your story and your work and yeah Yeah, just so grateful, so grateful for you there. So thanks for coming on.

You're so welcome. Thanks, Anna. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums,

grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Thank you.