The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Mel Schilling on why your mind is like a radio station

Episode Date: December 8, 2023

In this fabulous guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to Married at First Sight Relationships and Dating coach, Mel Schilling about her One Thing; on why your mind is like a radio station and you get to change the channel! Melanie Schilling is a respected and high profile thought-leader in inspiring confidence,courage and competence. She has built a 20-year career as a confidence coach, speaker,TV presenter, business consultant and leadership coach for high-performing businesses andpeople.As a trailblazer in confidence and courage, Mel has recently developed her high-value confidence building programme The Confidence Gap, designed to help global corporations nurture, empower and get the best results from their female employees.You can learn more about Mel at her website and by following her on Instagram.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to a guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I am so excited to bring this episode to you. I have with me, Mel Schilling. Now, Mel is a respected and high profile thought leader in inspiring confidence, courage and competence. She has built a 20-year

career as a confidence coach, speaker, drawing from her background in psychology and sociology, but also you and I will most likely know her as one of Australia's highest profile relationship coaches, an expert, and you will recognize her from Australian and UK seasons have married at first sight, also known as maths. I've had to ask her, no spoilers, please, as we are crawling our way through the recent UK season. And I have absolutely loved the escapism of maths, especially the one in lockdown. She has such a warm professional style and a reputation for asking the hard questions, just being so warm and just getting to the core of it. And I was saying to her, I was saying to her and thanking her actually before we clip record for all of those moments when you're sitting on the sofa and she just does that amazing thing of saying like a sentence and just getting to the core of it and you look at your partner and you think, oh gosh, that's for us as well.

She has recently developed a high value confidence building program, the confidence gap, designed to help global corporations nurture and empower. I love those two words, nurture empower, and get the best results from their female employees. So, Mel, I've got so many, I mean, I've got so many things to say about you. But ultimately, I just, yeah, we've already had a lovely chat. You are as warm and wise as you come across. And it is an absolute pleasure to be sitting here. Oh, Anna, thank you so much. I'm so delighted to be here.

I feel like I've met a kindred spirit already. Yes. Yes. Yes, we need to do things together. We do. I think what I love about your work is is very much that gift. And I think it is a gift. It's a gift that comes from all of your experience of sitting with couples and doing what you do. But it's that gift of just cutting to the core and just seeing connecting those dots and just speaking it out. And yeah, just this whole level of awareness can just open up with a single sentence of yours. And you know what? I absolutely love seeing the impact. that those little words, those little phrases have on people. And when I have a couple sitting in front of me on the couch with a thousand cameras

around them, you know, all the other couples, they know that, you know, they're being watched by millions potentially. But to see that that little private moment of insight open up in their own eyes, that, you know, as we might call an aha moment, those are the little gems that are hidden for me within maps and those are the things I absolutely love. Yeah and you can't, I call them light bulb moments and they're my favorite thing as well. I do a lot of one one off coaching sessions in the way that you do kind of just getting to the core of things quite quickly. And I call them light bulb moments because once you've had that aha moment, once you've switched it on, you can't unknow that, can you?

That's right. You can't unsee that. You can't go backwards from that little realization. You can hide it and try and ignore it, but you know that you're trying to ignore something of value. Yes. Brilliant. Well, how are you today? It's the question I always ask, guess. You've had a busy weekend, haven't you? I have, and I'm going to be really honest with you, Anna.

I am quite exhausted because, you know, I know that you talk a lot about mum guilt, and I'm going to say that I've been plagued by it. we've just had my daughter's ninth birthday and I'm often away in Australia at this time of year because I film Maths Australia I'm about to go back there next week actually to just finish off to film the reunion but I did have a good three months away

and last year I completely missed her birthday which killed me and so this year oh my God was I about to compensate it was a full pamper party We had 10 little girls for three intense screaming hours. There were manicures, pedicures, face masks, glitter. There were tattoos.

There were balloons. There was karaoke. There were games. Oh, my gosh. Did you get any, I think you needed all of these, the face masks and the beauty treatments after this. I think I need it now. So, Mel, with all of your experience, your wisdom, all of those hours spent in front of

the camera and on the therapy couch and talking about confidence, what is the one thing that you would love to share with all the mums listening today? I would love to say to our fellow mums, your mind is like a radio and you get to change the station. Wow. This is one of the most powerful lessons I ever learned. And I was, when I was learning or my coaching skills, So I was a psychologist for 20 years and then I retrained as a coach and then as a dating coach. And in my coach training, one of the most incredible lessons I learned from my mentor, Kathy McKenzie, was she talked about, you know, we all have these, excuse me, scripts playing in our minds over and over the stories that we continuously tell ourselves.

And often they're not our own stories. You know, they come from family or the media or maybe Hollywood, Disney movies, for some people or they come from our friends. And I love that Kath said to me, it's like sometimes you have family FM playing in your mind and you get to change the channel. And so I think if everyone listening, if you just imagine you've got family FM

and I'm talking about your family of origin, so the family that you grew up in, and all of those messages that you were bombarded with from your parents, maybe other siblings, perhaps extended family, maybe all the rules, maybe the shoulds, I should be this, I should do that, I should not do that, all of that rigid approach to thinking and feeling that you are bombarded with. Imagine if you could just go click and change the station and move it to Me FM.

And move it to Me FM. What would that look like? What would that sound like? Because one of the key things, I guess, I've learned as a CBT therapist is that the thoughts that you have control the feelings you have and the feelings that you have control the action and therefore the life that you live. So it all comes back to the thoughts.

It all comes back to those stories that you tell yourself. And you have the choice here. You have the opportunity to switch the station, to change that from other people's stuff to your own. And also, if your own stuff is not helpful, you can change the channel again. So you might have several me FMs. You might have unhelpful me FM

and you might have helpful me FM. And you can choose which one you listen to. That is so powerful. And I think one of those light bulb moments or those aha moments that might be going off for people, right now is wait a minute i didn't even realize that some of my thoughts were not fully from me because i think we can live to a narrative that we don't even question um i remember i'm just trying to think of some of those narratives over the years that i that i maybe grow up with oh mine was

that i found it really hard to learn so my brother was one of these guys who he could just he always got really good grades and he just didn't really have to work that hard, whereas I had to revise really, really hard to get the same grades. And it was just an acknowledgement, I think, growing up that Anna has to work a lot harder to get the same grades. So I just thought I'm not as clever. And that was a narrative that I had. And then I went to uni and I went and did all my training. And I think I just realized how if I love something, it doesn't feel like I'm having to just trawl through it in the same way. And it just really challenging. that narrative. And I think that's just one example of, I just had it in my head that I just

wasn't that clever when actually maybe I just didn't love the science and the biology of plants and I wasn't great at algebra. And that's just, I mean, I don't do that anymore. But it's, yeah, I just think sometimes it just goes unquestioned, doesn't it? It does. It does. Yeah. And change the station. No, I ran a program for many years in Australia. for women in in relation to money, women and money, and, you know, the stories that we tell ourselves about money. And it was so common to hear women having these light bulb moments in those sessions going, I just, I realized that growing up, I was always told that, oh, I'm not good at maths.

I'm not good with numbers, you know. And it was this, it became this self-fulfilling prophecy where women grew into adults and would abdicate their responsibility to their partners and sort of say, well, that's his or her job. They will take care of me. They will manage the money. And, you know, we had women in those groups who had, you know, found themselves, you know, in midlife, suddenly divorced and saying, well, I don't even know the PIN number, you know, or where's my pension or, you know, where's the money invested?

not having any knowledge, essentially having given up responsibility for that big chunk of their life because they told themselves they weren't very good at it. And it just wasn't reality. Yeah, how powerful to start questioning some of these narratives and just looking on them as if, actually, is this true of me? Might it not be true of me? Where did this come from? is this just something I've kind of blindly believed and never challenged because this is what I was told. So say we recognize, we have that a ha moment and we recognize actually, oh my goodness, this is the voice of my dad.

This is the voice of my teacher. This isn't, is this even me? How do we then switch that channel? That is the million dollar question, isn't it? I would love just to be able to switch. I'd love to be able to turn it down. I'd love to be able to change a channel. And I, too, and I've seen it in my own life and the lives of my clients,

how our whole world can be absolutely transformed and change by this. But how, I'd love to ask you, how do we change the channel? From Family FM, from teacher in grade 3 FM. Yes, yes. Do you know what I would say? This is simple, but it's not easy. Two very different things. It is a simple concept.

It's a simple process. it's not easy because we're talking about years and years, sometimes decades and decades of patterns and habits that have been ingrained and reinforced and entrenched. So it can take a bit of time and you need to be patient. But the first step is self-awareness. So there's a number of ways that you can become aware of what radio station is playing in your mind. And I think one of the best ways to do that is through journaling.

I'm a huge fan of journaling. And often, you know, I'll get my clients to just, you know, for a couple of weeks, do a thought journal every day or, you know, some people like to do it throughout the day. Some like to do it at the end of the day before bed is a reflection thing. And just capture the things that you're telling yourself. See, and this is why I think it's actually better to do it throughout the day. And I can recommend it a really good app for your listeners. It's called Mood Kit, which is developed by psychologists. It's a great one.

Sadly, it is only available for Apple phones, as far as I understand. But there are others around, and I can get some links for you. But essentially, if you can, throughout your day, give yourself certain intervals. So set a little reminder in your phone to go off maybe three times a day and just ask yourself the question in the pop-up on your phone. What am I thinking? And just write it down. and it's what am I telling myself? What story am I telling myself right now? And just

essentially collect that data over a couple of weeks. So you can then go back and if it's in your notebook or if it's in your app, you can go through it and highlight the themes that come through there. And very quickly, you will start to see themes. You know, I have, it's very rare that that I don't see things when I do this with someone because that's the way we're built. You know, we do, you know, we have, depending on which research you read, we have around 65,000 thoughts a day and most of them are not new thoughts. Most of them are on repeat and a good, at least 50% of them are unhelpful thoughts, by the way. So they could all do it some work.

That's a huge amount, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of chatter. There's a lot of busyness going on in those minds. And so taking that time to actually stop and reflect and record and then to go back and look at the themes is really, really powerful. And then when you start to notice what those themes are after maybe two weeks, four weeks, once you start to get a sense of what the themes are, you can start to intervene. So let's say you have a theme coming up that is about, I don't like my body. Let's say you're saying to yourself, I'm overweight, I don't look good.

I don't like myself. I'm uncomfortable. I'm heavy. Let's say that's the kind of thing that just keeps playing for you. Well, what you can then do is once you start to raise awareness of it, is doing this journaling activity starts to prep your mind for being more aware of it in the moment. So you're saying to yourself, I'm going to need to record these thoughts. so I'm going to hold them in my short-term memory.

I'm not just going to let them go through to my unconscious. You're telling your mind that you need to record them for recall. So they stay top of mind. So that's a good thing for starters. That means you can more easily access them. And then what you can start to do as you become aware that they're coming up is stopping yourself in the moment. This is the hard part.

This is called thought zapping. and there's a number of different ways that you can do it. Some people find it really helpful to have a little physical stop, stop up. So putting an elastic band around your wrist and going, snap. So you literally get that little jolt of a little tiny bit of pain, but it is a physical jolt. That can really help stop the thoughts. You know something I do, and I have been known to do it in a supermarket,

and I look like an absolute crazy person, but I'll say no out loud. If I notice unhelpful thoughts coming up, I'll just go, no. I'm sure they think I'm one of those crazy people with a little man on my shoulder. Brilliant. But it works for me. Just no. And then I'll change. That's right.

Yeah. And it makes it easier to being very consciously aware that those thoughts are unhelpful. I'm going to change the station. And so then really consciously saying to yourself, I'm going to change the station. Now, what really helps with that from a preparation point of view is to actually map out what the station is that you want to listen to. So that might be in the form of affirmations or statements that are really, really helpful to you. So to that body example, maybe that's saying, I've made the decision to take control of my weight. I am in the process of becoming the weight I want to be if it's about weight for you.

So that much more positive, empowered present story that you can tell yourself that will get you back into the present, back into your own choice about what you're doing with your body, and leaving behind all of that unhelpful, negative self-talk. That is so, yeah, so practical and also so effective. But you're right, it sounds simple, doesn't it? And it is simple in so many ways. It's just changing the radio station, recognising where that choice actually is, instead of just marching to the tune that you've always marched to. It's just, wait a minute, what are these thoughts and journaling them?

So you're actually seeing them written down. Because I think when it's just internal, it just is that background buzz. And we often don't even recognize or question how much of an impact it has on how we think. and feel and behave. So yeah. And it becomes easier in time, doesn't it? It forms, it starts shifting that narrative. It does work. This stuff is life changing. It's worth the time. So thank you. Thank you so much. I feel like we could chat. I feel like we could do a whole series on Mel's wisdom. But I'd love to ask you a couple of quick fire questions to finish off. Sure. What is a motherhood high for you.

Okay, got it. It was last summer break, last summer break, and Maddie was going to a three-day Peter Pan drama workshop. Wow. And she said to me, I'm going to be Tinkerbell, mum. I'm going to be Tinkerbell in the play. And my first thought was, oh gosh, I hope she doesn't get her expectations too high.

There'll be lots of kids there who are probably older and more experience. You know, all of my own limiting thoughts started setting in. but I didn't say any of it. I just said, okay, great, you know, that's great. And she wanted to have her hair in a tinkerbell bun on the first day, and she wore a little necklace that had a little fairy like tinkerbell on it. She said, I'm wearing this because I'm going to be tinkerbell. I went, okay, you know, slightly panicking on the inside, wanting to protect her.

She came home from day one. I said, how was it? And I didn't want to ask about tinkerbell because I was, you know, too nervous myself. She said, yeah, it was great. I've got my Tinkerbell script and blah blah, blah, and hang on, what? You got your Tinkerbell script? She said, yeah, well, remember how I said I was going to play Tinkerbell? I said, yeah.

She said, well, of course, I'm playing Tinkerbell. And there was no arrogance, there was no surprise in her. It was just absolutely what she expected in just the most innocent but natural way. And sure enough, you know, by the end of day three, we all came along to watch the play. And there she was as Tinkerbell. And that was a manifestation, then that's manifestation, isn't it? There we go. Absolutely.

And I know that this is something that I have done very intentionally throughout my life, but most specifically throughout my career. And, you know, I think it is now somehow that is instilled in Maddie and it is coming very naturally to her. I had to work for it, but it's coming through naturally for her. And that is an incredibly proud moment for me. That's wonderful. I think that's it, isn't it?

When you start seeing all of these things that you've put so much work into, just coming more easily for your kids. Like my son was in the bath the other day and he just said, I'm the luckiest guy in the world. And I said, what do you mean? He said, I've got you and daddy. And I was like, this is gratitude. I have worked so hard on myself to have this attitude of gratitude.

And there it is. He's just sat in the bath. Feeling this wave of joy and it made, you know, like in the same way, I guess it made me so happy. So my final question, well, is what's one thing that makes you feel good, something you do that you love? I'm going to say exercise. You know, for me it is, I love it. And I know when I get overwhelmed, when I get too busy in my work and life schedule, my exercise is always the first thing to drop off. And I know right now, I'm in one of those periods where I haven't exercised

for a couple of weeks and, you know, I've got, you know, incredible stiffness in my joints and I've got so much more brain fog because I don't have those moments of clarity. So for me, I'm going to do it today, particularly now that I've spoken to you, I'm definitely going to get to the gym because I'm just craving that, that clarity of thought and, you know, just that that outlet emotionally that I get from exercising. That's when I feel really good. So those endorphins, yeah, needed. So I'm glad you're going to make some space for yourself for that today.

Well, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Absolute privilege. And I encourage everyone's head over to your Instagram just to get some more of your wisdom and to immerse themselves in your words. But thank you. Thank you for sharing with us today. Thank you, Anna.

I've loved it. Let's do it again. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy

and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.