The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Millie Gooch on how to navigate the festive season alcohol free

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

In this episode of The Therapy Episode, Anna (who completely coincidentally has just embarked upon her own alcohol free journey) chats to Millie Gooch about her top tips for an alcohol free festive season.Millie Gooch is the founder of the Sober Girl Society and is one of the voices leading the sobriety movement in the UK. As a journalist, she has written for a range of publications, and her campaigning work has been featured everywhere from ELLE and Stylist to the BBC and Evening Standard. Her debut book, The Sober Girl Society Handbook, was released in January 2021 and she is currently studying for a masters degree in Addiction and Mental Health.You can follow Millie on Instagram hereYou can follow the Sober Girl Society on Instagram here

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have with me today, Millie Gooch. Now, Millie is the founder of Sober Girl Society. After years of partying and hangover started taking a toll on her mental health, Millie gave up alcohol in February

2018, just before the pandemic. So, you were, Millie, you were sober when everyone else was turned into the booze. Yeah. And then you started Sober Girl Society seven months later. In 2021, Millie published her first book, The Sober Girl Society Handbook. I love that it's the first book. I hope so there might be another one, immediately topping the Amazon bestseller charts. Now, when we approached Millie to come on this podcast, I did not realize that when I would actually come to speak to Millie, I would be on my own journey of not drinking at all. Now, I've tried, Millie. I've done like Dry Jan. I've done a week without. I've done all of these kind of little bits and pieces of going without drinking over the last couple of years. and I've been on a journey with it. And I never thought I would get to a point where I'd just stop drinking.

Which is so incredible. I'm so, so excited for you. Yeah. And your journey kind of came to a point where you just thought, no more, no more of this. And that was in 2018. And we were talking before we hit record. And I think now it's quite, you know, I know so many people that don't drink. But back in 2018, what was it like then when you looked around you?

Yeah, I mean, there wasn't really anything out there. And I mean, especially when it comes to sort of like alcohol-free drinks, which I'm sure we'll talk about later, there was literally nothing. There was just like the odd kind of non-alcoholic beer that just started coming out. And then that was basically it. But it was a whole different like landscape. And I just, I did not know any other sober people. Like I just didn't have any sober friends, didn't know anyone that was sober. And now it is just a whole different landscape, which is incredible. Yeah, but I really think you have been a part in shifting that landscape. Like it's amazing now that there are so many people that are just, yeah, coming alongside you. But ultimately, I think you had a big part to play in just that. Because I've followed you for ages and I think over time it just kind of, you know, it's all these little bits of input, these little bits of kind of reading your post as I scroll by. And I think it's all just fed into my journey. So you've been, you've probably been a landscape shifter.

Don't, I will cry. I don't know how to take like nice things. People say like, oh my God, you've had a real hand in my save a journey. I'm like, oh my God, I don't know what to do with that information. That is so strange. I mean, you'll know this. Like, you're just posting stuff like on the internet. And you don't really kind of see the real life results.

And then I like go to our events and meetups and stuff. And people were saying in real life. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is crazy. That it's people are actually reading the post and it's actually helping them, which yeah it is powerful but that's the that's the absolute power of that vulnerability and it's a really really generous thing to share your story publicly because I think with drinking and with people's relationships with alcohol often there's so much shame around it there's a lot of secrecy isn't there so when when you're there being so generous and it is a generous thing to do because

it does take you pushing through any of that shame or any of that you know desire to kind of continue any secrecy and to put your story out there. So it will resonate with people and it will help people. Oh, thank you. Oh, my God. Honestly, I will cry. Well, anyway, before I ask me what the one thing is, I'd just love to hear how you are today. Be as honest or as top level as you would like. Oh, do you know what? I'm all right, actually. I'm cracking on. So I've actually gone back to uni because I decided that I wanted to do a master's degree in addiction of mental health and it is it is wild going back to uni after like being out of 10 years of study so like on my agenda state is essay writing and I'm a bit stressed

about it but it's all good apart from that I'm good really this is amazing that's amazing that you're doing all that training because I guess you've got some really lived experience and then I bet you've spoken to thousands of people over the last few years about their journeys with alcohol. And now you're kind of getting some professional training as well. You're going to be a powerhouse. Oh, thank you. I mean, you already are.

Well, totally. Thank you. But I think that's what I found. Like I, so a couple of years ago, I went to Florida for a conference for the Royal Society on Alcoholism. And I, sorry, that's a lie, it's a research society on alcoholism. And when I went there, I, like, saw so many, like, doctors and scientists giving like presentations about these things.

And I was like, oh, okay, but that's not the experience that I hear or that's not the experience that I know. And I feel like there's such a gap between like the kind of scientific and medical side of this and people's real world experiences. So what I would ideally like to do is kind of like bridge that gap really because I think there's like, yeah, there's not enough kind of speaking between professions and real life experiences. That is incredible.

Oh, that is, yeah, that's going to be really powerful. And I think sometimes it is it is educating health professionals on that actual lived experience. So they can take that kind of scientific knowledge and apply it to, you know, with that awareness of what it actually feels like. And I think it can be more, oh, we're going to hit the spot more, aren't we? Yeah, exactly. Because I think like people are going to, people are being referred to like their GP as their first point of call. And obviously like they're general practitioners. So they know a like, they know about a lot of things.

but they don't necessarily have specific training and what to do if people are struggling with their alcohols or drugs or whatever that may be. So I think like it's important that we talk about it more so that there is more of like understanding of way your point of course should be and how you can go about like changing your relationship with alcohol. Amazing. Oh, I'm excited to see what comes and I've already asked you,

can you please do a podcast? Yeah. Watch this face. It sounds like you've got enough in your plate right now, to be honest. I did not know that this was going on as I was begging you for a podcast. But in the meantime, I would love to hear the one thing that you would like to share with all the mums. Yeah, I would love to help them navigate the festive season, alcohol-free. Oh, I need this. I need this. This is my first alcohol-free Christmas. So for those thinking,

maybe there are moms that are pregnant, maybe there are moms that just have newborns and are actually thinking, and I just, I'm not going to drink this Christmas because I am frazzled enough as it is. Or maybe there are people that have actually been thinking about addressing their relationship to alcohol and really want to challenge themselves with an alcohol-free Christmas. Now, I am one of those. So let's hear it. Yeah. So, well, the first thing, this one is not going to apply to you if you are pregnant because you have a great excuse already.

But I always think practice like what you're going to say to people when they ask, why you're not drinking or kind of if they're pressuring you to drink because I think we don't plan those responses necessarily and then we go in with like a oh I'm on antibiotics or you know I'm just trying to cut back whereas I think what I found is that you know people can smell fear or like indifference so I think practicing your reply and saying in like a really confident manner is like one of the first things so just going in with like I'm not drinking at the moment but like happy for you to crack on or and I'd really love it if you can just respect that like just coming out with sort of like one line and practicing it because I think if you don't practice it and you just sort of like make things off on the spot or you're a bit wobbly I think you can end up kind of falling into the trap of just drinking because you don't want to upset anyone so practicing your response I think is a good one I love that and yeah because I've been to parties and stuff before and maybe I've not drunk for whatever reason and there can be a real pressure you know oh come on just one. or it's Christmas

and I think you're right saying it with confidence I'm going to have a little think about what mine might be but to be honest I love chatting about alcohol and the effects of alcohol and how it

yeah so actually for me I'm just I'm up for a bit of a tussle if anyone wants one but I'm probably just going to say you know what I'm just not I've stopped drinking because it just doesn't serve me if they want to ask around

and that's cool but there have definitely been times before when I've been on antibiotics I've said lies yeah and people will challenge you like they'll say oh come on what antivotics oh i've been on them you can drink on them or you know like if you say oh i've driven let's google it yeah they're like oh get your phone out we'll have look see if you can drink on them and if you say like oh i've driven they'll be like okay it's fine let leave your car here or come pick you up in the morning like people will go so out of

their way to convince you to drink so i think having like the line you said is perfect like I'm not drinking it's not serving me at the moment I think like having that and practice it and saying it confidently, I think it's perfect. Yeah, because that kind of, that really comes up against the shame that can often be entangled with a relationship with alcohol that we want to address, can't it? So when you're just upfront about it, you're saying, you know what, I'm not ashamed, this is where I'm at in my journey. And it is a relationship, like it is, like we have relationships with food and we have relationships with sleep and many other different things that we have to face every single day. So, yeah, I think when we're,

we lie about it and we try and sidestep it, then actually we're just giving ourselves more of a reason to feel shame. This is something we shouldn't have to be doing or this is something, yeah, that it's going against the flow and we're worried about being judged. So I think the less we judge ourselves and more confidently we say that and claim it. Yeah. Yeah, it's intriguing as well, isn't it, for the people to be like, hmm, that's interesting. And I think what you find is it's actually their default reaction,

but they don't even necessarily mean it. And then actually when you kind of, I say like speak your truth, it does make them reflect. Like I will kind of say to people, and I'm, I think it's harder to be vulnerable and honest when you are in that beginning journey. But like now I'm just so honest about it. So when people say, oh, you're not drinking, I say, oh, I don't drink, haven't for ages. Like it just really messed up in my mental health. I don't do well on it.

Like it's just not for me. And people are like, oh, that's really interesting. I get hangover anxiety or I had a night the other week and I woke up and I I couldn't remember what I'd said. And then it actually makes people reflect on their own relationship. I think it's just a knee-jerk reaction from people to be like, oh, you're not drinking because it's so, like, societally conditioned that people don't, aren't even thinking almost when they kind of talk to you about your drinking. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. So actually just, yeah, be up for a conversation about it and a little bit of honesty. And it's

your honesty that has changed so many lives. So who knows what might come of a conversation around Christmas. So I'd love another tip. I've got some questions. I'm going to be, I'm going to be patient and see if they get answered because I'm pretty sure you're going to cover them. So what's another tip for an alcohol-free Christmas? I would say alcohol-free alternatives for a lot of people. I would like to add a disclaimer that some people they can be triggering. So if you do think that you might be triggered by them, it's best off avoided. Although there are loads of good drinks that like emulate things, you can get everything from like an alcohol-free Irish cream alternative to, you know, alcohol-free mold wine. But there's also,

like, incredible sodas and kombuchas and things like that, if you want to avoid things that are trying to specifically, like, taste like alcohol. But I would say alternatives for a lot of people are really good. So, like, Christmas especially, I always have, like, an alcohol-free sort of faux-bux fears in the morning because that's, like, a tradition in my household. So I'll have, like, I'm alcohol-free, like, sparkling, like wine, mixed with orange juice or whatever juice I can find, to be honest. But that's always kind of what I do in the morning. So alternatives, I think, are a really good one. And we're at, like, such an exciting time as well, where there are so many choices.

So, yeah, explore alternatives, I think is a good one. Yeah, I am such a fan of alternatives. I've actually, I went to a family kind of lunch on Sunday and took her bottle of alcohol free red. And I was a little bit like, hmm, how's this going to be? It doesn't taste exactly like alcoholic red wine because it hasn't got the alcohol in. But actually, I really, really loved having a glass of red whilst everyone else did. Yeah. And yeah, so for me, I'm a big one, a big one for the alternative.

So I didn't know there was alcohol-free Irish a girl. I'm going to hunt that down. Yeah, I will send you the link after this. Yes, please. And we can maybe add them into the show notes, any links that you have. So, amazing. So I've got my, kind of my reason. I've got my alcohol-free alternatives.

What's next? I would say plan some other, like, Christmas isn't just necessarily the day. Like, I mean, it's basically started now, let's be honest. Like, there's Christmas that's everywhere. So have a look for, like, alternative things that you can do that aren't just about drinking. I think we're at a really lucky time again where, like, loads of places are now doing, like, immersive activities. or like you can go and do ice skating and there's so many amazing Christmas market. So I would say like books and stuff in like leading up to Christmas that doesn't necessarily

involve around alcohol just so that you're like experiencing fun and joy. And I know it sounds really cliche, but like almost Christmas magic, but not revolving everything that you do in the festive season around alcohol. I love it. Yeah. So get on Google and see what's going on around you that doesn't involve alcohol. And also going out around Christmas, none of that who's going to drive. I drove last time.

None of that. I'm excited. My husband's actually joining me in the six months at Alcalfrey. I wonder if he's going to carry on as well. I think he's less likely to carry on than I am. But yeah, so actually, we're like free to go. Do we need a little stockup of cocktail sausages on a, you know, box in day morning? I don't know what shops will be open.

But we can go. Ain't no bucks. Ain't no alcoholic bucks biz in our system. So, yeah, there's that as well, isn't there? That kind of extra freedom. Yeah. I love that one. Thank you.

Any other tip? Well, I think you sort of touched on it at the end there with the cocktail sausages. One I always say is like focus on the things that you're gaining and the things that you can do rather than things that you like can't do because really the one thing you can't do is drink. But there's so many other things that you can do because the door is open now. So like maybe you're someone who is normally always so hung out. over on boxing day because you've like really overdone it on Christmas day. Have a thing about like a really cute boxing day morning activity that you could do.

Like maybe you could go for a walk for like the first Christmas ever. Like maybe there's something that in in kind of all the things that you can actually now do. Like like you said around driving, like maybe you want to see someone else at Christmas. Maybe like so for me personally I'm not spending Christmas day with my boyfriend because I'm spending it with my family and he's spending it with his. But because I'm not drinking in the afternoon, I might drive. and go and sit down at theirs and watch TV for like an hour and then come home. It gives you that kind of choice and the freedom to do those things.

So have a think about like all the things that you can do because you're not drinking. Yeah. And I'm thinking as well that there is always some moment on Christmas Day. Either it's there's an argument over who's doing what part of the cooking or there's an argument between the kids or there's some kind of, I don't know, family emotional misunderstanding based on historical dynamics, whatever. But I'm looking forward to the fact that without any alcohol, with some better quality sleep, I'm better likely to be able to navigate those things in a way that I'm more in line with what I want to do rather than, you know, when you're just feeling a bit frazzled or hung over and things come out sideways and you might add fuel to the fire accidentally.

So there's that. And just having more energy for the kids and maybe even just getting up early and going on a quick walk before the chaos begins or doing work out, something like that with that. with that energy. So thinking about what you gain. Now, I think that is such a helpful one because I think culture tells us that when we don't drink, we miss out somehow. Whereas actually, if we start thinking about what we're gaining, it just really challenges that narrative, doesn't it? 100%. And I think one for me is my family are a big games family on Christmas Day. And I think when you're a little bit sharper, like you're much better at monopoly. So I think that's always a good thing.

He's been better at the Christmas games is always a good thing. I love that. And I also encourage people just to maybe download Millie's book, The Sober Girl Society Handbook, or just have it to hand or just have a podcast or something so that if you are not drinking this Christmas, you have these voices to touch base with, like just listen to, you know, a little bit of the book or a little bit of the podcast or go and scroll Millie's feed and be reminded as to why this is beneficial for you, why you made this choice. kind of going back to your why really. But yeah, Millie, thank you. It's been an absolute privilege to

have you. I'd love to ask you a couple of quick fire questions. Don't worry. They're not too intense. What is a high for you at the moment in life, what you really enjoy and what gives you a bit of a high? Oh, it sounds really sad, but going back to uni and learning, I feel like it's so interesting to actually like learn new things. And also just from someone that mainly works from home. It's so nice to like be out. That sounds really silly, but like to actually be out of the house and meeting new people. So yeah, I've actually, part of the sort of assessment essay side bit, I've actually been really enjoying going back to you. Amazing. Yeah, just being alongside people and getting excited about the topic. I feel really, really good. And finally, what is something

that makes you feel good beside learning, beside the alcohol-free life? What do you love? Oh, I've do you know what for me is dancing. I'm not good at a lot of exercise. I find a lot of exercise really boring. I find the gym boring. I find running boring. But for me, like dancing is the one.

And even if I just like dance around my house, like I just love it. I love like putting in the music in my ears so, so loud and then just dancing. That is something that I always like feel quite good doing is, you know, pretending I'm Beyonce on stage. I love that.

And then when you go out, if you go out with friends, I mean, I don't go out very much in the out out sense anymore. I'd bring the age, average up significantly in any nightclub. And I'd have my ear plugs in and go home at nine. I don't know if it'd be open. Anyway, how do you navigate kind of dancing and parties?

Yeah. Do you just go for it? I do go for it. But I've got used to it now. So like, weirdly, one of the biggest things that people say is I could never get on a dance or sober. So actually one of the events that we run is called Soberswear. And it's all about empowering women to get the competence to get on the dance or sober.

because we want it to do like practical things that people could take away. So taking a dance class, I think is really helpful, getting used to the idea of moving your limbs without alcohol. And it doesn't need to be like a professional dance class. Just goes like Zumba or, you know, something really chilled and just get the idea of dancing without alcohol, I think is a really good one. But like always a good confidence playlist for a night out.

I think I always say like wear things that you feel comfortable in because there's nothing worse than feeling self-conscious. And I know that when I used to, like, feel really self-conscious, I would drink to feel less self-conscious. So wear things that you feel so comfortable in, even if that as trainers, even if that's like the jumper that you love so much, that's not even a going-out jumper, like just wear what you feel comfortably. Yeah, that's how you showcase your moves and the dance are in the best fashion. I will take those tips if we go to any Christmas parties. So thank you, Millie, for your honesty that you put out there and how you inspire people just to reassess what I think, Often people are just questioning already, but just empowering people to make different decisions

and to know that there is another way and actually it can be even more fulfilling. And that is definitely what I'm finding. So yeah, thank you for everything you do and encourage everyone the Sober Girl Society, Hamburg, go and grab a copy and just immerse yourself in Millie's amazing empowering feed. So thanks for joining us. Oh, thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me.

Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, Anna Martha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good. and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.