The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Natalie Anderson on how you'll never have parenting all figured out

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to actress, presenter, writer and founder of The Capsule, Natalie Anderson about her One Thing; how you'll never have it all figured out when it comes to parenting.Natalie Anderson is an actress, presenter and writer. Her most notable screen work includes Fool Me Once (Netflix), Memory (Black Bear Pictures), Happy Valley (BBC) & Emmerdale (ITV) in which she played the role of Alicia Metcalfe for 5 years. Her stage work includes Wicked (West End) & Kay Mellor’s Fat Friends The Musical. Her performances have earned her numerous award nominations including an RTS award for Best Dramatic Performance and TV Choice award for Best Actress in a soap.She is also the founder of online lifestyle platform The Capsule and presents it's accompanying podcast ‘The Capsule In Conversation’, now in it’s 5th year, covering all aspects of women’s health & wellbeing.You can follow Natalie on Instagram here.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit, which is a little podcast, swap today because a while ago I went on Natalie Anderson's podcast and The Capsule in Conversation. We had a lovely chat about kind of I think it was just about parenting and juggling.

And I'm delighted to have Natalie on The Therapy Edit here. And Natalie is an award-winning actress, presenter and writer. And she is also the founder of the absolutely brilliant online lifestyle platform called The Capsule. And you can find it at thecapsule.com.com.com. And she has an accompanying podcast called The Capsule in Conversation. Now at its fifth year, she is, I mean, what does that when it's half a decade? That's pretty impressive. And it covers all aspects of women's health and well-being.

And since its conception, it has evolved into a brand that actively advocates a balanced lifestyle featuring articles on well-being, mental health and self-care alongside its original content on fashion and beauty. an amazing go-to for inspiration on how to use what you already have in your wardrobe and anything that might help fill the gap. So yeah, today the capsule retains its purpose as Natalie's little box of recommendations for a happy, healthy lifestyle. So it's so lovely to have you on my podcast. It's been a while since we've checked. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. And honestly, the takeaways that I took from our chat have stayed so much with me. And I use all of your advice all the time and some of your tips. And I was actually on another podcast just yesterday,

and I kept bringing you up about, really? Yeah, so many things that we discussed that really opened my eyes. So thank you so much for being my guest because it really taught me a lot. It's so lovely to know. It's always nice as a therapist when you kind of share something that just stays with someone. So that's just brilliant. That's lovely to know. But yeah, how are you today? we've just been talking about, before we click record, parenting maths of when the kids are ill. Oh, it's the worst, isn't it? It's just the worst.

I mean, the juggle in general is so hard, you know, and without being rude, it does kind of always fall to the woman, you know, as much my husband is amazing. He is so hands on, but still the overseeing of everything. It is always me that's like, mom, where's my football boots? Mom, where's this? mom and I'm like why is it why are you asking me I'm not the font of all knowledge but apparently I am and it's where you're flipping left them mate that's where they normally are and I don't know where that is exactly you're meant to know where that is exactly and this is the thing yeah and so when you

he was sick just before Christmas and going back to the maths it was like oh god it's two days off and what do you do you've got things to cancel because you want to you know you need to be there you need to be present but at the same time you're like I need to juggle everything else yeah we're were saying, weren't we, how it's a fine balance. And when you're busy, it's all well and good when everything is functioning as it should be with regards to kind of school and people where they should being where they should be. As soon as something sweeps along, then often it just all gets tipped into a state of pay. But that just shows you, I think, how it's such fine margins that we work with, like as months. Like we're working with such tiny, like,

yeah, fine margins that if anything just slightly tips off. then the wheels do start to come off a bit because we're all under pressure and we are all working so hard to maintain, I suppose, a perfect lifestyle. And, you know, one of the things that I remember you saying to me is there's magic in the mess. Sometimes in the chaos, actually, that's where you find the most love. But we all do it. We can't help it. You want to create this lovely lifestyle that's a bit perfect. And, you know, we all get a bit stressed when it does kind of all fall apart. Yeah, we had such a lovely time over Christmas of just, I delete social media. And to be honest, I was a different person. My husband said, he was like, you're a different

person without Instagram. And it's so true because I think sometimes we don't realize quite how much space elements of work or life take up in our mind until we kind of step back from it. And yeah, life is, is full on. But I think trying to find ways to instill some boundaries, to protect some of that kind of head space and energy and just have a little bit more time to rest, even if it's not physical rest, just more space in your head. So yeah, I think it's just a, it's a fine line with all of it, isn't it? But I think balance is one of those things. We never truly find, but it's always worth pursuing. Yes, 100%. I'm the biggest believer of balance. I love balance. I love the ying and the yang. I love the fact that, you know, we do Christmas and

we all go mad and we're all like, yay. And then in January, it's like we all stripped back and we reset ourselves. And it's the same, I approach it in so many different ways, you know, whether it's the work life balance, whether it's parenting, whether it's, you know, fitness. For me, balance has always been the key word of my life really. And it's always kind of how I judge jobs. You know, can I do this job? Does it work with my family life? Because there's no point in doing that if I'm not going to be happy. If my family are going to be unhappy, then I'm going to be unhappy. And therefore, the job doesn't, it's not worth it. So it's the same with exercise and food. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm not cutting anything out. I like everything. But at the same time, you know,

it's got to be in moderation. I'm not silly. You know, we're input, output people, humans. And so I kind of, yeah, I rule my life with balance when I'm trying to achieve it. I think it's just when you look at it through that lens, it just makes you, it makes you honest with yourself, doesn't it? Yeah. Where is my capacity? How will I feel if I say yes to this? Will I do it, but I'll exhaust myself and I'll actually feel resentful under the surface? Or is it going to really add something? Is it worth a sack? Yeah, it just causes you to think a little bit more about the decisions you make, doesn't it? A hundred percent. Be a bit more intentional. Yeah, definitely. Otherwise, we just go on. It's so easy then, isn't it just going all.

autopilot or just say yes because we've always done that. And do what you think you should be doing or like, you know, if people are telling you, well, you should be doing this or I can see you doing that and you think, well, that's all well and good, but you're not in my reality. And when you're in your own reality, you know what the factors are in that, you know, so you know how your life and everyday life works and what your inner mechanics are of your unit. So it's, it's all well and good for somebody to advise you, but when they're not in it, it's, there's only you that really knows that. So true. So with all of your wisdom and your passion about balance and kind of seeking those things that contribute to a healthier and happier lifestyle, what is the

one thing, Natalie, that you would love to share with all the moms that are listening? I think what I'd really love to share is that you never have it all figured out and that's all right. You know, my son is 11 now. He'll be 12 this year. He's just gone to high school. And honestly, at every single stage, I've chatted to mums with younger kids, moms with older kids. And I've come to the realization now that actually you never have it figured out. Even my mum still hasn't got me figured out. But that's okay. And I think when I was a lot younger and, you know, my son was maybe two, three years old, I kept thinking, oh, I've cracked this. You know, oh, they're sleeping. through or they're walking or they're doing this and every milestone I'd be like yes I've done it

and then something else happens and then that guilt that hits you where you feel like you're failing all the time where you feel like oh god I didn't get it right or I'm rubbish and you start beating yourself up and crying because you're so stressed with it all by the decade later I'm now in this place where I'm like you know what I'm never going to have it figured out and I just have to do the best that I can. He knows that I'm present. He knows that I'm here for him. I'm not always going to get it right. And sometimes I get it very wrong, particularly as he's coming into these like teenage years. But that's okay because that's my journey as a mum and that's our journey together. And it's been quite a big realisation for me that I think it only really just

dawned on me properly when he's gone to high school. Because I was like, why are we having these tussles at this age. I wasn't expecting us to have so much, not bad confrontation, but resistance. So much resistance and I couldn't understand it. I was like, but we've just finished primary and it was great and, you know, everything's been brilliant and now only literally within the space of eight weeks, you're like a different person. And I'm like, but that's actually okay, that's fine. And there's no point in me getting myself all upset about it because that's just the journey that we're on. So powerful, isn't it? And why does it take us so long to let go of this? I guess attaching who we are and how good a job we're doing to what's going on with our kids

because it just changes a goalposts of changing all the time. There are leaps and bounds and challenges and educational learnings and all of these things that actually aren't within our control. But so often we take how it goes as a reflection on. how we're doing, which is, yeah, it's a rollercoaster of self-criticism and then relief that you've got it all right and then it all gets turned on its head and you're back in beat yourself up phase. And yeah, so being able to detach yourself a little bit from that and think, I'm just going to go with it. This is where we're at right now. That's like a massive weight off. Yeah, I think like I said, I've just seen it from so many mums and

particularly younger mums, and I know I've been in those shoes, you know, moms that have got, you know, like I said, younger ones, five and six and seven year olds. And it's like, yay, oh, you know, you're a bit smug at that time. You're a bit like, oh, yeah, well, we've done this. And so-and-so's managing to do that. And you're like, oh, great. And then you think, you don't know what's coming. And again, that's why I'm saying it never stops.

And my mum said that to me. she was like it never stops Natalie just when you think you've got to a place then we change again because that's the other thing that I've had to realize is you know your children they are individuals they have their own personality and they're carving out their own lives and their own interests and for such a long period of time you can put your values you can put your thoughts on them you can tell them what you want them to wear by the time they start to get towards being a teenager, it's very much what they want, what they want to wear. They're trying to assert themselves. They're finding out who they are. And suddenly you don't have much control

anymore. And their friends are much more important to them. And their friends' opinions are so much more important. And you, almost in some capacity, do become the enemy until the time when they get sick. And they're like, Mom, I need you. And then you go, oh, no, I'm not the enemy. I'm still mom and I'm still there, it's just that I'm not the biggest influence anymore. And that was such a strange thing for me to kind of get my head around. But at the same time, like what my mom was saying, we're constantly changing and we have to allow as human beings to make sure we grow together to allow for those changes. And I'm definitely seeing that now with my son. And, you know, the evolution, it's just becoming more apparent.

And it's funny what you said there a minute ago about how we measure ourselves. In his first few weeks at high school, he got a couple of comments just in his planner for like talking and things. I was mortified. I was like, as if it was a reflection on me. And I was like, we don't get things in our planner. What's that about? And I'm like, he's a different child to what you were.

He's a different person. He's chatty and he's confident and, you know, and that's all right. It's not, you're not being judged. He's being judged. But it's such a mess in your head. Yeah, just starting to disconnect those things. It's making me think of like planting a flower in the garden. You know, you can choose, you can plant it in that soil.

You can make sure that it's good soil. You can water it. but then ultimately, once it's grown, once it's out there, it's out in the elements, it's going to turn its sort of face with the sun on its own, you can't control whether it rains or whether there's a drought. And I just think, I remember someone once saying that motherhood is just a stream of like little griefs of letting go and have been like, oh, okay, that's changed and I quite like that phase. And yeah, and I think what you're saying is just making me really think about how motherhood

is just to let him go and we can either kind of like claw our way on and like like you know as if our life depends on it but actually I guess we're probably far better to have a nice relationships with our kids if we do do the

letting go I think so and I thought about this a lot because I was like am I a toxic mother am I going to be one of those people that you know when my son is older he's like oh we're not going to moms you know what she's like and I would be absolutely devastated to think that that was the case. But because I have struggled probably in the last year with this letting go, with this allowing him to be who he wants to be, I'm like, oh my God,

have I set myself up? And again, I have to stop beating myself up about that. I have to think, no, you did the best you could. With everything that you had in front of you, you've done the best you could. He was safe, warm, loved, cared for everything, you know, that you could possibly do, you've given him. And so what will be will be. And I have to let that go because the idea of continuing, like you say, to try and keep that control and try and keep clawing onto something, I do think eventually would become extremely unhealthy for us, you know, as a mother-son relationship. And I certainly don't want that. I would hate that. You know, that would would make me really, really upset.

Oh, yeah. I think it's noticing that little tug of war inside of us, isn't it? Because I think our culture gives us so many aspects of our lives that we can apparently control and there are apps and hacks and just all of this information on like how to get the best out of this, how to do this the best, how to perfect that art. And actually, you know, it's kind of giving us this message that we can control every element of our lives. And actually what motherhood teaches us is that it's really humbling to realize quite how little control we have at the end of the day and actually how leaning into that

is often far better than trying desperately to control. Well, you just set yourself up for failure, basically, and that's the problem is like when you want it all to be so perfect. So sometimes we have to learn about the power of relinquishing control. You know, and step back and go, it is what it is. And I just have to accept that. And I have to take each moment for what it is and try and enjoy it the best I can. And that is hard to do. Yeah, powerful. I mean, there's just such powerful words. And I think we really have to kind of mother ourselves through those times, don't we? We just realize that we're just so desperate to kind of hold on because it feels hard to let go. So for a mum who is entering into those

kind of adolescent years or who is, you know, in a similar place to you and just really grappling with that or a mum who's just going through a real season of change with her child and finding that hard. What encouragement would you like to give her? What word of advice would you like to give her? That, oh, it'll make me want to cry. Just that you are loved because even when I've gone through these times with my child, he loves me. I know he does. and it might feel so difficult in the moment, but know that no matter what, you are loved, they love you. And that's the biggest thing I can say is it sometimes feels like

you're the most hated person on the planet or that you're the enemy. But actually, when it comes down to it, you are really loved and they need you more than ever in those times when they are being difficult. That is when they are really, really desperate to have those boundaries. because they need them. So that's the biggest thing I can say is just to remember that no matter what you are loved at the end of the day.

What a wonderful thing to anchor yourself with, regardless of what the circumstances might say and sometimes, I guess the things, the words being flung around and the doors being slammed may well feel like they say otherwise, but actually just holding on to that fact that they love you, they need you, those boundaries make them feel safe regardless of how much they might be shaken on the,

shaking on those. And that's why they do it with you because they love you and they trust you and that's why they feel they can be like that. So I think again, that's the most important takeaway that I have to protect myself as well. Thank you for passing that on. Such powerful words, such powerful kind of affirming parenting words at those stages that can feel so everything you know and the child that you know just all at sea and you don't know where the ground is or where you're going from but to hold onto that and so thank you Natalie so much for all of the wisdom that you bring for lots of different kind of areas of our lives from how we dress and how we feel in what we wear and giving us creative kind of ideas on how we

might feel our best but also you know your honesty around mental health and the different stages of parenting that you navigate all whilst working as well. I'll just really, really appreciate that. But to finish off, I'd like to ask you a quick-fire question of what makes you feel good? What do you do that makes feel good? Oh, gosh, there's so many different variations of this. Okay. The first one is definitely being with my family, like a movie night with my family.

That is the best one. Do you have snacks? Oh, we have loads of snacks. It's all about the snacks, Friday night, snacks, pizza, blankets, the works. It's bliss. They are my absolute favorite days. And then the other things that I do to feel good is I work out. I really enjoy working out. It's really good for my mental health. It gives me clarity. It makes me feel good about myself when I'm struggling sometimes. If I go for a run or I dance it out like a mad person in the kitchen, I see all these memes on their Instagram with women of my age, with the song that drops from the club from when you were like 20 with the tea towel. And that is me in the kitchen. I'm like, yes, boom, there's 50 cents on. I'm in the club and I've got the, like I say, the tea towel and I'm doing my best

dancing from when I was 20. And I love it. I do love it. And it makes me feel good. And to move my body, it makes me feel, like I said, strong and powerful when sometimes I don't feel like that inside. So, yeah, those are the things that I do. Thank you.

Yeah, I think you're going to be inspiring a few people to make a different use that tea towel. next one there's an opportunity but thank you so much for your compassionate and wise words as ever I'm just really grateful for you coming on the podcast thank you so much for having me it's been an absolute pleasure thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the therapy and if you have enjoyed it don't forget to subscribe and review for me also if you need any resources at all I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to drive you anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website anamatha.com. And also don't forget my brand new book Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all

about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.