The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Nicola Chapman on finding your confidence

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna speaks to Nicola Chapman Haste about her One Thing, how she'd love to help all mums become more self confident and own the things that are amazing about them.Over the past 12 years, Nic has co-authored best selling book FACE, executive produced BBC Worldwide's documentary Hollywood Icons & was the driving force behind the hugely successful makeup brush brand Real Techniques.‍Commanding 26 years of award-winning makeup artist experience & recognition from established titles such as Sunday Times, New York Times, Glamour (of which Nic won Women of the Year) This Morning & Lorraine, Nic continues to educate followers on how to create a range of looks, in-depth product reviews and applies methodology behind problem fixing.Find out more about Nic on InstagramTake a look at her YouTube channel here

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have with me, Nicola Chapman Hayes. Now, I remember first finding Nicola on YouTube via, she is half a pixie-woo. I don't know if you remember, but sharing loads of kind of makeup videos, makeup, and it is literally where I learned how to apply makeup. I don't know what I was doing

before. I still have some very dodgy techniques when I apply mascara. It's very kind of winky and blinky. But I just loved getting to know her and a sister Sam through those YouTube videos. So I'm really excited to chat with her. She's a fashion and beauty expert. She's a makeup artist. She also shares through Nick's New Beginnings, her other Instagram, sharing honestly about her journey with living with MS multiple sclerosis, which is incredibly insightful and educational. Whether it's something you're struggling with or whether you know someone who is, I recommend checking that out to you. But yeah, hello. Nicola, how are you? Hi. Really good. Thank you for having me. you're glowing today you just said you put some fake tan on so that might be part of it it is definitely that

because i thought oh can't be bothered to sit in the sun i've got things to do i'll just put fake tan on and feel like i have been um but there is a giant blue bottle in here or green bottle haven't seen it yet but it keeps buzzing around me i think it must smell my biscuit tan yeah it's it's there for it i i was just saying i've always started that i always know when i'm getting my period because the flies they're not just background noise they start to like makes you want to burn the house down. But it's not just the flies, it's even my husband's breathing or my kids. Mum, mum, mum. I'm like, what? What now? I'm here. What can you possibly need since the two seconds ago, mum, that I answered. It's all those things that kind of normally you just marginally stressful

suddenly become. Your reptilian brain is like no more. Anyway, you share so honestly on your Instagram pages, which I just think is always needed in the feed that is social media. But I'm really excited to hear what the one thing that, and I'm not even sure you entirely know what this one thing is. So I think we're both equally excited to see what pops out of your mouth. What is the one thing? If you had all the mums in one massive, very, very large room in front of you. And someone said, what's the one thing that you'd love to impart? What would that be? Self-confidence. We are so down on ourselves. We are so down on ourselves. So I would love to give everyone a compliment. And everyone has something that is brilliant about them. They might

not see it in that moment, but to be able to say, God, your hair is beautiful, God, just really not always looking at the negative. Like, it's a tough journey being a mother and a father. It's really difficult and we have to have time for ourselves. But I see people that have got, well, I wear zero makeup to do the school run because I just don't care because I have a lot of confidence. And I always, and I see the people that put more makeup on, which I don't criticize. I think, wow, you look beautiful. I think, God, I wish I could give you more confidence so that you wouldn't have to spend that time doing that or feel like you need to. Some people just enjoy that and that's absolutely fine.

But I think most of it is confidence. Actually, I was sitting watching my son play football the other day and two of the mums were like, oh, I saw you put some makeup on Eadie. It was so nice. I wish you would start doing the makeup from basics because I've never worn makeup and they're my age 40. Like, I've never worn makeup and I just can't. And I looked at both their faces.

I was like, you don't need to. You are so beautiful. You don't need to cover anything. and then I said there's a reason you don't wear makeup is because actually you've got quite big paws and if you were to it would sit in them and it wouldn't look right. I was like embrace what you have

because you're very, very beautiful and just to be able to say if you really felt like you could say, well like I really want to wear a foundation. I was like, well if you really feel like you need to wear a foundation just get a little bit of powder and dust that over and it will do enough. But if you've got big pores, it's going to sit in it.

And the older we get, the more self-conscious we get, but the more difficult it is to find products that work for us and the less time we have. So you would just say, don't worry about it. I wish you didn't even worry about it. You did it if you wanted to do it, but you didn't feel you had to wear makeup or. Totally.

Yeah. And have you always had that confidence? No. That's come for me with starting all of my YouTube videos with no makeup on. And people say, you've got lovely skin. And after, and so many people would say it, and I just didn't believe it because I had a bit of rosacea

and I had very dark under eyes and so many people would say it and I'd be like, after a while, you listen. You're like, okay, I must have. I must have. And then as I got older and I didn't have time to put makeup on

because I was always running late for something, taking the kids to school or whatnot, I realized no one cares that I haven't got makeup on or that I don't look a certain way because no one is looking at me. And even if they are, what are they going to think,

or she's not wearing any makeup or she looked a bit tired. Yeah. Well, what's that going to do? I was listening to something the other day and they said, I actually know it was a book. I was reading a book and it said two of the most freeing words in the, you know,

that we can use our so what? I loved it. So I was like so if someone thinks you look tired, you haven't got any makeup on, it was probably a statement rather than an insult. So, so. Yeah, cool. What's that going to do?

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And I think that's the thing. It's self-confidence. And we do lose that. We lose a lot of that as time goes on. Like even when I put a certain outfit on, I'll be like, oh, Ian, is this skirt too short? Is this, are these shorts too short to do the school running? And then I'm like, why am I caring? I'm literally jumping out of the car, grabbing my child and going. You know, we think so much that we are so important to other people, whereas actually their life is, going on and they're worried about theirs. They're not worried about yours at all. But you're having a conversation with yourself. They shouldn't be. But you're having a conversation with yourself about that because it doesn't, you know, it could so easily stop at, oh, why am I wearing this? What was I? And then you carry on you say, what, what, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing. No one, no one's going to be thinking about it. It literally doesn't matter as long as I feel comfortable. So it's, it's having that further

conversation with yourself rather than letting it stop at that kind of critical. yeah that critical place yeah so do you do that quite a lot not so much myself anymore because I am very much um not so much of a carer anymore I'm like okay I'm 42 I've made it this far I was bald not long ago do you know what I mean so if anyone's going to stare at you that's when they stare at you and I was like fine you just have to step out of that comfort and be like fine, I'm fine. I feel confident. What's happened has happened. If people look at me, they look at me, that's absolutely fine. And I think, you know, self-confidence isn't something you can just give to people, but that would be the gift I would love to give. It would be good,

though. It would be good, and it, if we could just give people self-confidence. We all have friends that we think, oh my gosh, you're so incredible. Your life could be, look totally different if you even grasped apart that. But so, yeah, you can't give that as a gift to someone, you've given us some gifts in the, you know, saying coach yourself through those moments where you recognise that you're making different decisions because you're worried about what other people are thinking. Have a conversation with yourself and say, what does it really matter? Does it actually matter what people are thinking? Are they even going to be thinking about me at all? So that's a really, I love that tool. What other tools, what other things have been

helpful for you and developing that confidence? So going without makeup on the start of all of those videos and having those compliments coming at you so regularly that you actually started believing them. So maybe it's also about repetition. Yeah. Repetition with ourselves on the stuff that we're feeling insecure about. Yeah, definitely. And just, you know, like you said, talking to yourself about it and being like, why I have a lot of counselling, which I think everyone should have. I really believe it grounds you and makes you understand your rationale, understand why. And, where it comes from and stuff.

So I think just having a moment with yourself to think about things that, you know, just stop, don't react, have a moment. And I think that with everything in life, stop, breeze, don't react. Okay, and go with everything in life. But, yeah, I would say it was putting myself in a vulnerable state first so that those things didn't bother me afterwards. Yeah. And when we do it enough times, we start, yeah, we start recognizing. It loses power, doesn't it? It loses power over us. Because it starts challenging that and turn on that, that narrative of, if I don't want to make up, people will think this, people will think that. So you go without it and then you realize maybe someone says something, but overall people don't really care. No. So what other areas of our lives can we do that with? Yeah. Totally. And I think also, speaking of makeup anyway,

the people that you see on social media don't look like that if you were to see them in real life. You know, there's such a high expectation and a far removed reality than what people are. Sorry, I think a dog's trying to get in, than what people really are. You know, you think that someone looks a certain way. And actually, if you saw them, they don't look that way. Like everything's been filtered, everything's been changed. I only found out the other day that you can put a filter on stuff before you even take a picture. Like, what do you mean on that?

On TikTok. You can choose your lip size, your skin fading before they even, before you even record. I was like, this is nuts. No wonder we are also self-conscious. Yeah. It's doing back to front what you said has been good for your confidence, which is challenging the narrative, you know, and keep kind of plowing on, challenging your in the areas that you feel kind of self-critical of,

it's doing it back to front, isn't it? It's something that is there and is you, and you're changing it before you can put it out into the world. So you're actually damaging or damaging that internal narrative. Totally. And, you know, there's a reason why we say to our children, oh, you can't wear makeup until when it's the right age that you tell them they can wear makeup.

Do you know what I mean? What are we imprinting there? You know what I mean? Because actually, if we were to say, or it wasn't a big deal, then maybe they would never get to the point of wanting to wear it. I don't know the psychology behind that. But do you know what I mean? If we're saying, don't do that until you're of a certain age, then when they get to 16, 70, do they start wearing those? You know what I mean? It's just, I'm going off subject, but I just made my little

brain start thinking about that chain. It's true. It's also thinking about the less power these things hold over us. We're actually gifting our children as a side effect, showing us showing them it doesn't matter my son i've got one son that has a lot of challenges with emotional regulation he often has like very public meltdowns and my oldest son really worries gets really embarrassed about people seeing and hearing and i'm often trying to say it doesn't it really doesn't matter what people think it actually doesn't matter people will think what they think yeah and it's exhausting to try and change your circumstances for what you perceive the stories you're telling yourself it's storytelling

isn't it? We're telling us our stories about what other people think. And as soon as we decide, actually, I'm not going to tell any stories at all. So I'm probably wrong. Then it starts giving us, we get more of ourselves back. Yeah. And also, if you're worrying about what everyone else is thinking and you're just, I don't know your son's circumstances, but you're just hushing or you're like, calm down, calm down. That's not reaching the cause of why that might be happening. So if you're just ignoring everyone around you and going, right, what's wrong? What can we do? And, most people around will have children be like, I get that, bless her. Do you know what I mean?

They're not going to be judging. They're going to be like, I've been there. I've been there. You know, maybe different circumstances. But these things happen. And we just have to be not so worried about what other people are thinking about us. Do you have said and done? Yeah, how little what others thought about us was actually anything to do with us at all.

Because often people are seeing, people are seeing us through their own filtering. and their own narratives and their own stories and their own judgments which often show us a lot about their self-judgment actually it doesn't really mean anything no the only people we're in printing

is the people that are right next to us which are our children and that's the only people I care about like I try not to talk about weight or diet or anything in front of my kids because that's going to happen at school people will be talking about it because not everyone will be on the same page as me

but I don't want them to ever grow up thinking oh my mum constantly spoke about oh do I look fat in this do I look thin in this I just don't want that to be the narrative of our house so I don't because I grew up with that narrative quite a lot and I just don't think that's a healthy way to be around your children so I just try not to yeah because if it's not important at home then hopefully they'll be anchored in that that will be the thing that anchors them and they'll get thrown all stuff all sorts, hopefully, hopefully, they'll get thrown all sorts of stuff in the world, won't they? But yeah, if we can show them what really matters and the things that we want

to give power and let speak into our lives about the things that matter, then, yeah, maybe. Yeah, totally. Maybe that will help. I think it will. So, yeah, you might not be able to give everyone the gift of confidence, but you shared some amazing just things to think about. as to how we can nurture our own and actually live it out so that it's inspiring and, yeah, inspiring those around us and our kids as well. I hope so because that's, you know, my whole being is making sure that I bring up, and my husband, we bring up two quite grounded children

that have support network around them. And that's very difficult. And obviously my kids are now, my sons, I'm at high school and my daughter's about to start there in that bracket. So actually most of what happens around them will be by their peers. So we just need to make sure that we are a united force when they come home. They can share anything with us and be, you know, and have that confidence to come to us and not be judged and feel present and valid and important.

But see from us confidence shining. Do you know what I mean? It's really important because. we are up until now we're the people that they look upon for everything. It's going to change now because they're going to high school so everything will be about fitting in and that's going to be a whole new roller coaster of stuff that will come home but hopefully we can just be united force and support them with that. Yeah because I think if you if everything at home is about fitting in and worrying about what people think and worry about what the neighbours are doing then

when you move into high school and everything there is about fitting it, it's just kind of double whammy that's not even going to be questioned, is it? But if everything at home is about not worrying about what people think being authentic and honoring you and your sense and your needs and your passions, then at least there's going to be a question there, isn't there? Oh, totally. And as long as they're not rude and they're polite and the way they speak to people is taking in people's consideration, but they are fully established. themselves as little humans. That's the most important thing for me. Like my daughter really struggles because she's dyslexic and discalcula. And she was like, oh, mommy, what if I have to

repeat a year? I was like, well, just don't stress about it, darling. I was like, don't worry. I'm not stressed. So why would you be stressed? Just don't worry about life. I just don't want her to go through life worrying about what the future will beckon for her. Do you know what I mean? Already. But I think, you know, sharing your MS journey, there can be so much fear about the future with MS, can't there? So as you're addressing that and as you're trying to anchor yourself in what you're dealing with now, that's the most powerful way to be inadvertently teaching your daughter that this is where life is happening, this is where it's going on, this is where our focus needs to be. Totally. So to finish off, I've got some quick fire questions for you because we're nosy. what's a motherhood high for you?

Oh. Being present for my children. As present I can be. So like I said, when they go, Mom, Mom, Mom. Stopping going, yeah, what? And even the most mundane things being present. Like I go to as many sporting things that I can with them,

just them always knowing, mom will be there. Do you know what I mean? But not even just mum will always be there because you can't be to everything, but listening when they ask you something, no matter how boring it is

or how ridiculous. Like, mum, mum, mum, watch me do you know, I mean? Just but making sure I go, all right, mate, all right, because my son does it a lot more. So I say, all right, mate,

because that's my thing that I say to him, all right, mate. But he does it so much because he's constantly wanting my approval or my attention and I just have to give it to him. Yeah. I think we beat ourselves up

for not being present enough but actually, yes, just taking those moments, responding, looking at them when they're talking to you, those things really help. It's so easy to just be on your phone and I do it

and that's normally what I'm doing watching someone else's life while my kids are talking to be like, what, what? I'm like, no, just stop, put it down, be present. I'm not saying I always do it, but I try my best to be present. And when I do, I feel really good about myself.

I feel like, ah, I have reached the heights of motherhood now because I am present, even though I'm hating it. I am here. Mind and body. Yeah. Body and mind, mind being the important one that I think is often elsewhere. And to finish off, what's one thing that makes you feel good? Oh.

Oh, we're going to the gym, but that's just a basic thing. I'm sure everyone says, I train three times a week. Oh, really? Lovely. Yeah, not. I don't know. No, get a proper mixture. Going to the gym is my feeling strong, feeling more difficult to kill.

Do you know what I mean? That's when I was going through my MS stuff more so. And it was a struggle. I used to say to my brother, oh, because he's my personal trainer, I'd be like, oh, God, Jim again. He's like, we're just making you harder to kill. And I was like, yes, I'm so hard to kill now. Do you what I mean?

So that's, but also my other thing. that I love doing is I take myself away once a month on my own, whether it's to stay in a hotel, whether it's something, I have mum time, my husband has dad time, and we just stop. I stay in a hotel, I'll order room service, I'll watch whatever I want to on TV, I will have a bath if I want, I will watch whatever I want on my phone, and then I come back, recharge the next day and think, okay, I'm ready for it again. All the better for it. Yeah, I often say like, looking, after yourself as an act of love to those who love you. So important.

Step away. Step away. Slowly to bend the house down because of a fly. Exactly that. Well, thank you so much. Thank you. And I encourage everyone to go and find you on Instagram and to follow your journey and your honest words there.

So thank you. Thank you for joining me. Pleasure. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling. parents like us and head to annamartha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing starting at only 20 pounds and finally don't forget to pre-order my new book

raising a happier mother how to find balance feel good and see your children flourish as a result I can't wait for you to have that take care and we'll chat soon