The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Olga Thompson on why it's all okay

Episode Date: September 22, 2023

In this Friday guest episode of The Therapy Edit Anna and Olga Thompson take a deep dive into the gaps of motherhood and why it's okay to feel all the feels and to allow yourself time to adjust and change in each and every stage of it.Olga Thompson is an actor, writer and comedian and provider of wonderful/hilarious and meaningful online content on Instagram. You can follow her here.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. Today I have an absolute treat in store for us. I have with me, Olga Thompson, also known on Instagram as the Big Fat Greek Mother. She is a comedian, an actress, a writer and a mum to three boys. That is a lot of boys in one house. She is professionally trained as an actress. She loves

dressing up and you can go on her Instagram, watch all her amazing, humorous videos, just focusing on different kind of nuances of life. And she loves making people laugh. She gets a lot of joy out of making people laugh and I absolutely love laughing. Laughing is a therapy for me. She is also an ambassador for Kidscape, which is an anti-bullying charity and she campaigns on behalf of the UN Refugee Charity. So Ogre, it's lovely to have you, taking a big sipper tea. So wait for, wait if you just follow that. How are you? I'm actually fan girling over you right now. Oh, I mean, the feeling is mutual. I've heard you on my little screen for years and years. I know. We were one of the, we were like the OG of the Insta land, weren't we?

Yeah, it was a while ago. Yeah, years ago. No, I'm so excited to be talking to you and I'm so honored that you asked me onto your show. I love it. Well, thank you. Thank you for coming on. I love what you do. I mean, I love how you kind of capture the nuances of just kind of life and bring them,

just bring humor into them. I mean, there's so much relatability in what you do. But also, I love how you talk about kind of aging as women and how, you know, we need to kind of, as we get older, we need to keep reclaiming. our identity in a world that is that can it can feel like devalues women as they grow old or as an actress you know absolutely yeah and it's about yeah and it's about being present as well I think you know I think people think when you get over to a certain age that you are you know you're now a golden girl you know nothing wrong with being a golden girl I love the golden

girls but it's almost like you're either 35 or you're in the golden girl bracket and it's just you know there's this there's this space in between and it's and it's this whole you look great for your age and you look you look great it's like you know it does does my head in why can't we just be a bit more fluid you know we're fluid with gender and everything else well why can't we be more fluid with with age you know and and just let people be it's almost like if you discuss anything like menopause or getting older you know straight away you are kind of put into that bracket you know um yeah and it's really tough. I don't know when it's going to change, but I feel like a lot of women of my

age, we're kind of sticking out our turkey necks and kind of trying to make a difference now for the women that are coming up behind us, you know, because with each generation, we fight. You know, I am fighting for the women in their 30s because I don't want them to be where I am now in the same way that I don't know whether the generation above were as aware, you know, I talked to my mother about it and she's like, menopausee, we never had time for them menopause, we just get up and go, you know, it was, you know, not that that was necessarily right either, but I feel like we're a lot more aware. And, you know, life doesn't end when you, when you get to 50, you know, there are so many women and mothers reinventing themselves. And

that's why, you know, another reason I wanted to talk to you, because I think for a lot of women, they think when they become a mother, you know, things are on hold or things are over. But for me, life kind of began after I mothered, not after I'm still mothering, but it was really difficult, but it was out of that season of motherhood that I actually really found who I was. It was that that kind of catapulted me into becoming what I was always meant to be without sounding too magical and mystical. I know who I am because I mothered, you know, because it was, because it was hard, Anna. It wasn't Rosie. It was really hard, but it made me who I am. Yeah, I love that. And I think it does bring hope and perspective to those who almost fear those old years when the kids, when the

kids are older and the needs are less and, you know, the identity starts to be challenged in a different way. And you know, my youngest, she started school yesterday and I've been reading all of the posts on Instagram, all of these kind of emotional posts. And do you know what? I didn't cry because I felt so ready. I felt so ready to have all my three children at school and reclaim the space. And for a second, for a really short second, I kind of felt guilty that I didn't grow. And then I thought, you know what? I've been doing this preschooler thing for nine years. I am excited about having some time to spread my workout and do some other bits and pieces and start exploring. Yeah. And anyway, that time is going to go by in a flash. Yes. Yeah. You think, you think, you think,

You're like, oh, great, well, I've got all this time. You haven't. All you're going to end up doing is living at normal pace. Before you've been going 100 miles an hour trying to juggle everything. And now you've got the time to do it. And you're actually going to feel even busier, you know. But it's just having that quiet headspace, you know. And I think it's this guilt, isn't it?

Guilt, you know, what are you if they don't need you? Guilt when they go to school. Guilt when they go to university. What am I now? What am I now? And there's so much, we define ourselves so much by motherhood. about what we are and what we aren't by what we have and what we don't have. But I think there's a real beauty in the gaps that motherhood leaves us.

And in those gaps, I think there's real gold there, that that's kind of where you find yourself. Sometimes we're afraid as mothers, you know, when you drop them off sometimes and you feel that emptiness and you're like, well, what am I? What do I? What am I? It's all about what happens in the gaps in motherhood. Sometimes we want to paper those gaps over and we feel it. a bit like, you know, those are the parts of motherhood that we don't want to see, but actually it's in those gaps, it's in those broken moments, in those moments of loss, in those moments of, you know, my kid has gone to school, my kid has gone to college,

my kid has gone to university, in those gaps where you're sitting with yourself and you're going, who am I? What am I? Those are amazing moments, you know, like sometimes we, women, a lot of women I speak to, younger women, are terrified. They are terrified of those gaps. But I'm just sit in those moments because those are the moments where you begin to, I call it a thawing out process where, you know, it's the thawing out moments of motherhood where you've literally been on hold, you've been frozen in this space, which is lovely and terrible at the same time. And suddenly you're de-frosting and becoming who you used to be, but also somebody new, and your body needs to defrost. You know, allow that. It's okay to feel really uncomfortable.

and unsettled like that is okay that is good that is your body going here i am that is your past going this is who you are this is your future going come on come over here you know it it's it's all good and we just need to let it i love that i love that i'm all about kind of sitting with those emotions and i think everything in the world tries to call us away from that doesn't it you know there's always something we can distract ourselves from that what is can be an uncomfortable comfortable feeling, but you're right, it's there. We grapple with the questions and it's there. We ask ourselves, you know, what do I need? What do I think? What do I feel? And we can so easily distract ourselves away from those. I love that. The defrosting moments. So the defrosting.

So Olga, with all of your years of parenting, your wisdom and your insight, which I feel like you've just given us a huge, generous dose of already, if you could share one thing with all the mums, what would that one thing be? just that it is okay all of it is okay the wandering around in morrison's with a buggy feeling vague that's okay the moments when you've dropped your kid off to school and you're crying that's okay the moment when you've dropped them off and you don't feel like crying you just feel numb that's okay it's it's all okay and also don't be too quick to fit into somebody else's narrative about how they're mothering, whether that's online or offline. Online is great because there's so many

tick boxes that you can check your own mothering functions against. But what if you don't fit into that? What if your motherhood is a bit different? I recently recorded a really interesting podcast on play and parenting. And that would be the thing I would say. Like, don't worry about what everyone else is doing and allow yourself to play. And when children play, they make mistakes. they do goofy things allow yourself to play and it's not about getting down on the floor and playing mind-numbing Lego

but it's allow yourself to be creative with what you have and to be spontaneous and to improvise and that doesn't mean money it might just mean where you are with your kids rather than feeling that you have to go and buy them that toy but how can you improvise what you have and just kind of play with where you are

whether it's the cushions whether it's you know, a blanket, just, and I don't just mean with things, I mean just with yourself and your own mothering. Don't be afraid to improvise. Don't be afraid to, you know, if all you can do that night is take them for a drive and give them their food in a Tupperware, as you drive around the block, do it, do whatever you need to do to stay sane. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing online or offline. You do you. Don't be afraid to play. Don't be afraid to improvise and I love it. It's such a relief here, isn't it? That permission, it's okay. It's okay to be crying the car after drop off. It's okay not to be crying when everyone else is crying. They wave their

kids off for their first days. It's okay to find this hard. It's okay that you're finding it hard and someone else isn't and cut the corners and use what you've got and find play. Cut the corners. Yeah. Yeah. And also you're going to make mistakes. Listen, Anna, I look back on some of those moments of parenting and I feel when they were little because I had a breakdown when mine were very small

and it was the hardest thing because I wasn't coping I had postpartum that just repeated itself after each birth and I look back and I made mistakes and there are things

I'm not proud of I lost it but you know what those times were really difficult but I look back now and I wouldn't undo those times because they made me the mother that I am they made my children the children that they are and I've got three incredible brave

strong, tender, beautiful young men that I've raised with my tears with my mistakes with my mess-ups with the good things that I've done as well and the bad things they are the product of all of it it's one giant great big ball of messy love and I don't even the breakdown I had

I embrace that I embrace it all and I'm almost down a lot older than you know the younger mothers with the younger children but it's a process and it takes time and where you are now is where you are now but there's no rush to finish that moment that you're in to get to the next thing That messy love. I absolutely love that because so many of the questions I get from mums is all around fear of messing their kids up, you know, with those moments. And we will. And my daughter the other day remembered a moment in which I smashed a plastic plate. It was very early in the morning and it was all just too much and I was on my own and my son was having a meltdown. She was going to have a tantrum and I threw this plate. And she, she remembers it. She's nearly five and she was two. And I thought,

oh my gosh, what have I done? I've traumatized her. But actually in the grand scheme of things, amidst the love and the trying and the good enoughness and the moments of engagement and connection, that is but a bad memory. And I think what you've just said there is kind of looking back a stage beyond where I am and some of the moms that will be listening is you've been there. You've done the messy things. You've done the broken things and your boys are all right. And actually it's not probably in spite of that, but because of all of that and all that you've learned along the way and the grace that you've given yourself to make those, for those messy moments, that is what life is, isn't it?

Absolutely. I think it's, yeah, and I think it's normal, the boys have seen me on the floor, even now as teenagers, they've seen me when, you know, maybe when a project I've been working on has fallen through or they've seen me on the floor. You know, I talk to them about how I feel. You know, they've seen me when they were tiny and I lost it and they were all fighting and I was screaming and I was, you know, shouting and crying. And they've seen me just be at my absolute low, but they've also seen me mother them and love them.

And I think sometimes with mental health, it's because we keep covering over those gaps. And that's why people hide things all the time. they hide things. They keep things, you know, covered. So that's when things explode and things come out because we've just been keeping it all quite nice. I think it's okay. You're going to mess up. I'm not saying, yes, go ahead and mess up and do everything. But I'm saying, if you mess up, it's okay. And even the things you think, do you know what, I can't talk to anyone, but no one's ever going to know. We've probably all had those moments of shame. It's interesting, though,

isn't it? We don't know we talk about fatherhoods and shame, do we? But we talk about motherhood and shame. but that's okay like allow that to be and that sometimes i think when we get into those moments where we talk about the gaps we don't want to be in i think it's those moments of shame that sometimes come up yeah absolutely and and i think in my own mothering experience and also the work that i do as a therapist often it's that we fear that being vulnerable will push people away when actually in reality i have found that when i've allowed myself to be vulnerable and open and honest about that shame and those messy moments. It's actually drawn people towards me in connection and it's deepened connection. So I think often the fear is that people will be shocked and maybe some will,

but the right people, it will deepen the richness of connection with. And I think that's, you know, we need more of that, don't we? And it can feel like a risky thing to do to show those messy in between defrosting moments. But we all have them. We all have them. And I think you know obviously I'm further on in my journey because my children are old and because you know I've done I've done the work I've done the you know I've had counselling you know I've I've been through so many different steps and maybe there'll be a time when I do go back into counselling again I think it's an ongoing thing isn't it working on yourself and you know discovering who you are now and just just being really patient with yourself just being really

really patient. And I think the worst thing is you can do patient, but you can't do patient when you're comparing yourself. So take yourself away from situations where you're comparing yourself. It's such a big thing to do, isn't it? Sometimes we really have to grapple with that part of ourselves that says, yeah, but they're doing this. Yeah, but last year I did it like this. Yeah, but with the other kid, I responded like this and actually just work with who you are and what you need and what you're able to give. Work with who you are. I'm where you are and where you were.

You know, as a family, we've known we've known plenty and we've known lack, you know, again, when the boys were small and I went through that awful breakdown, we were also going through a time of incredible debt.

You know, it was really terrifying because I wasn't working. I couldn't work anyway. The boys were small. We just felt like we were drowning. But in those moments, we, you know, we found ways to have fun with the boys

without having the money we'd have like a tin of hot dogs those really cheap hot dogs and somebody gave us an old tent and we had summer in the garden and it was just that for me I remember the boys going sorry

I remember the boys going Mama this is the best holiday we ever had and so what I'm saying to you is out of your lack and out of your brokenness and out of those parts that you want to paper over you can give that to your child.

Is the strict back nature is sometimes what is the most meaningful, isn't it? You are so right. My kids look back in. One of their best parenting moments is when it was pouring at the beach and everyone was running away and they didn't want to get out of the sea. And I took all my clothes off. I left my underwear on obviously. I didn't want to get arrested. And I ran in the sea and they remember that.

And it was free and it was wet and sandy and there was a lot of washing. But it was, yeah, those stripped back moments were actually. sometimes the world might say we were depriving our children when actually in reality those the moments we're giving them the richness of connection and it's the simplicity so oh so powerful olga the the encouragement just to remind yourself that it's okay to put the blinkers on when you find yourself comparing your how you feel how you're responding how you're you are resourced with those around you and just sitting in the moments of uncertainty and grappling with the identity and knowing that that is all, that is where

the richness is and that is where we find, that is where we find ourselves and it's uncomfortable and yeah, being vulnerable. No, but you're right. It's not going to feel nice. It's not going to feel nice. Authenticity and it's where it all comes together and it's about honoring that and ourselves. So thank you so much. Ogre, I've got a couple of questions for you that I'd love to hear the answers, too, just to finish off after your... Oh, you will. You'll have something. I don't doubt it.

If I know the answers. What is a motherhood high for you? I know you've just told us one summer in the garden. Motherhood high. Do you know what? I think it was summer in the garden. But I think it was also, like lately as they're teenagers, I think there was a time. There was a time when the three of us were lying on the bed, four of us, sorry, I was just lying them with them.

And it was just messing around. And I thought, this is the, I just thought, I've made it, I've come through. It was just this one, and I just caught myself and I, I burst into tears. And the boys were like, Mom, what is it? And I was like, I'm here, we're here. Yeah. And I just thought, I came through. Just that little moment, you know, we've done loads of exciting and amazing, great things that we've gone.

It was that moment on the bed, I just went, there was a problem about five years ago. Something like that. And I remember just that, I remember I had my dinosaur pyjamas on and I went, I'm here, we're here. And I looked at them all and it was, I literally felt like my,

like Tristie went through my body. Yeah. And it was this feeling of, I think we should cultivate those moments every now and again when we recognise that we've hit a landmark and it's so easy to kind of look forward and think of all the ground that we haven't yet trodden upon when actually just sometimes looking.

looking back and just recognising what we've journeyed through and how far we've come and just acknowledging that and allowing yourself to, yeah, so thank you. And what's one thing to finish off, what's one thing that makes you feel good, Olga? Well, for me, I love swimming. I'm not very good at it. It's like a one-legged doggy paddle. It ain't pretty. But if I can get out to my swim once a week and the other thing for me as well is prayer and meditation. when I can do it. For me, it's opening my Bible and just be quiet and be still. Connecting with the bigger picture and higher power.

Reconnected. Well, thank you so much, Olga, for all that you bring to us, the joy that you bring to our Instagram feeds. If you are not following Olga, go and find out on the big fat Greek mother and enjoy a cup of tea and a scroll and a giggle because, yeah, she brings such therapeutic laughter to our feeds. But thank you for your wisdom and your encouragement to drop the bar, put the blinkers on, sit with the feelings,

allow yourself to reflect on how far you've come and just give yourself a break where you can. So thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I love talking to you, Anna. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all,

I have lots of videos and courses on everything from Health, anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail or on my website anamatha.com. And also don't forget my brand new book Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.