The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Rachaele Hambleton on dealing with challenging times

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

On this episode of The Therapy Edit Anna chats to Rachaele Hambleton, otherwise known as Part Time Working Mummy.Rachaele's one thing is that everything is temporary and this episode she tells Anna about how here life experience has led her to that conclusion and how she uses it to help soothe the bad days and bad times that she or her family, friends or the victims of domestic abuse that she supports, might be experiencing.Rachaele is a blogger, influencer, parent, and campaigner for victims of domestic abuseand bullying. She is an ambassador for Kidscape Charity https://www.kidscape.org.uk/ and is a patron for Trevi Charity https://trevi.org.uk/. Rachaele is a double Sunday times best selling author, in both fiction and non-fiction categories and has just secured her third non-fiction book deal which is due for release in Spring 2023. Part-Time Working Mummy: A Patchwork Life [By Rachaele Hambleton] - [Paperback] -Best sold book in-Psychology https://amzn.eu/d/0VNSyGBA Different Kind of Happy: The Sunday Times bestseller and powerful fiction debut https://amzn.eu/d/acp4PjS Locally in her area Rachaele has set up two women’s centres to help vulnerable families where they deliver trauma workshops and domestic abuse programmes to women. She also owns a shop @patchworkthestore – all profits from this support the running of the women’s centres.You can follow Rachaele at @parttimeworkingmummy

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit and I'm really excited today that I have with me Rachel Hambleton, also known as part-time working mummy. She is a Sunday time best-selling author of part-time working mummy, a patchwork life. More recently, a novel, which is brilliant.

I've read her. I've got it on my shelf behind me called a different kind of happy. So, hi, if you've got anything else going on, you've got so many books. You're a busy being, a family of mates, loads of animals, two guinea pigs, and ivory, two dogs. You know what? Can you get anything else in? I don't even know, to be honest. I just forget because it's just so crazy.

It was the fact as well, we started with family of seven when we ran through this because I forgot a kid. So that's where my head's at with it. But, you know, I'm doing some writing at the moment, which is really exciting and will hopefully be something lush in the early part of next year. That's very, that's very exciting and very sneaky. I guess you can't tell us anymore,

but there's a lovely little hint for us. And you're also really passionate, and I see this come through so much of what you do about fighting for awareness of domestic abuse. And a lot of your focus as well as your secret project has been, well, do you want to tell us a little bit about what you've been doing? Yeah, so we opened a women's centre last year down where I live in Torbay. My vision when I did that was just to have an extension of my kitchen table. I left my first marriage, which I was in for 10 years, with my two daughters. us a decade ago. And whilst I was in that marriage, we were in and out of women's refuge, it was all really awful. And when I left, the support available to me was not there. And I always kind of thought, if I get to a place where I can help others, I will. And I kind of felt I got there. So I just wanted to open like a small women's centre, which was just a safe space for women to rock up to with a bag of washing, have a bit of cake and a cup of tea. And, um, And that's grown massively within the last year.

We've now opened a second centre, an online shop, a storefront. And we run trauma workshops, freedom program, and have loads of services that come in and work out of our centres because it's created a safe space for them. So it's been incredible. Wow. There must be some really incredible conversations that go on there and just such a valuable space for people to be able to come to and know that it's there. and that's all come from your own story and desire to support other people. Yeah, yeah, it's heartbreakingly amazing.

Yeah, yeah, I bet, I bet. And, you know, to see that dream that you had at one point in that really vulnerable, scary place, come to fruition and seeing other people benefit from that. Yeah, just to have what wasn't there really. You know, it's just, I think it's so difficult, especially with the day and age we're in, when you're in any kind of crisis

and you just get a helpline that rings out or an online service with a web chat. You're not actually met with a human. And I think to have, you know, if I knew that there was a centre that was there where I could meet another woman with lived experience that would just sit and not judge me, it would have been life changing for me. And I wonder if I would have stayed a decade. So, yeah, so that was the thought behind it, really. And, you know, the team there are doing an incredible thing.

And when I finish with you today, I'm heading down there. So I work with the women as well now, which I love. So, yeah, so today I'm going down to work. Oh, that's brilliant. So giving people what you needed. So thank you for sharing that. And so, Rachel, the question that I ask, I guess here is, if you could share one thing with all the mums, what would that one thing be?

I feel like for the mums to share with their children. I think it's so hard to be a parent. I've got Betsy, my eldest is turning 18 in two weeks, and then I've got Will Be who is two. So we've got a whole range of children, and I feel like at each of their ages, they've all been through really difficult stuff. You know, it starts from, you know, the age of four

when they hit the education system and they're trying to work out friendship groups and who they are. And I think for me, the thing that's kind of got my kids through and me as a parent, so just constantly drill it into them, that what they're going through is temporary.

and I think with my kids, like, you know, when they haven't got that awareness, like I've had some of like Betsy's friends turn up and when like friendships break down or their boyfriend dumped them or they've made a terrible choice or decision and hurt someone, that in the moment feels so overwhelming to kids. And it's like they don't see past that because when you're a child, it's all about then, you know? And I think I constantly, constantly say to my kids like, I'll pass a girl in the supermarket now and I think, oh, do I know her? But actually at school, she made my life hell

or at school she was one of my best friends. But now I don't even know her because life moves on when you leave school at such a rapid rate of traveling and uni and getting your job and families and relationships. And like, I just think it's so hard to parent kids and when they break their hearts, we as parents break ours. But I feel like when you teach them

and when they've got that understanding that actually there is so much life after school they've got that focus and they understand it's temporary it's almost like it's so much easier to parent them because they kind of get that so I always say like I get messages every day like my daughter's being bullied or my daughter is a bully or you know I can't cope with her attitude or you know everything well you know what it's like and I think every time I get that it's like just remember you remember this is temporary and remind them this is temporary. And I think, you know, that's kind of what's kept me through, even in the really bad times. And there has been, you know, especially with Betsy and Seb the last couple of years

because they're almost 17 and nearly 18, we've had some really tough times where I've drowned in parenting them and it's getting that into your head that this isn't forever. Like, and it isn't. You, you, I promise it isn't. And it's kind of just, you know, drilling your head with that so that you can get through as a parent, but also parent your children, so they get through. I love that because it's not devaluing the experience, is it? It's almost giving you hope that actually you can just live in this time because it's not going to feel like this forever. And it makes me think of labor contractions.

And at the peak of it, you feel like it's never going to end. Yeah. And actually, you just, you know, you start learning and trusting that actually it will pass. And I think it's almost like, I found it so helpful to apply this to life. because it feels so intense. And in that time, you know, going back to that fight or flight,

you just, we lose perspective when we're in survival, because we're, everything is honed in. And I think because there's so many people shouting now about mental health, which absolutely needs to happen,

but it's almost, I think, like when my kids get a bit of anxiety or worry or upset, they're like, oh, mom, am I depressed? Am I this, am I that? And I'm like, no, you're feeling. Like, we all feel.

That doesn't mean your mental health is bad. It means you're feeling and you've got every right to feel those things. It's about breaking down why you feel like that. Why do you feel anxious? Because you've had a text message with a friend that's not gone right. So actually let's put that right. Let's go make amends with that friend. And then that anxiety will, you know, subside. And it's about, I think we're all trying to get to this goal where we feel well and healthy in our brains. And it's like when we don't feel well and healthy, we feel like we're failing because Instagram is all rose gold and pretty and everyone else has got their lives together. But it's actually about just honouring a bad day.

Like if I wake up and I've got the weight of my world on my shoulders, I no longer panic like I used to about, oh my God, I'm mentally getting poorly and I'm not going. I think it's just a bad day. Like I've just got to get to tomorrow and then I need to see how I feel tomorrow. And it's really similar with the kids. Like I'm really, especially my boys, like I want my boys to cry. I want my boys to feel emotion. I want to encourage that out of them so that they pass that onto like future generations and it sits with them and it's healthy because I just think you know it's such a tricky awful world a lot of the time what we live in and it's just about recognising that it's it's okay to you know feel awful and have bad days but it's about seeing past

that and it you know it is temporary so it's so true and it's it's about i think coaching yourselves in those moments and coaching your children that this is how it is right now and you're so right about that it's almost like we're seeking this equilibrium of like happiness and contentedness all the time. But it's not there. It's not real life. Life isn't like that. And you know, there's always going to be curbles and there's always going to be dynamics and things that confuse us and things that we respond to. And that's not not being okay. That's having a human response to a living world that is going on around this. Everybody wants that perfect life. And I say all the time, you know, I work with some of the most broken.

women that rock into that center that are in the most abusive relationships where their kids are so affected. But if I was to look on their Instagram page, I would probably be jealous of their marriage. And that's the reality. We're all trying to look to everyone else like we've got our lives together and it's perfect. But actually when you delve, it doesn't matter how much money someone's got, how many followers they've got. Everybody is battling and struggling. And it just doesn't matter who you are. And I think that's so important to kind of get across to people. people. Yeah. And I think, you know, the happiness that if you ask someone what they want for their children or what they want most of their life and a lot of people say I want happiness.

And I think there's such a difference between happiness and peace. And we in the eye of the storm and in the middle of a tornado, I remember hearing this fact and I absolutely loved it. In the middle of the tornado, it's silent and still. You know, we can find that trust and that anchoring and that normally comes out of that knowledge and that trust that it will pass this isn't my whole life now this isn't how everything is going to be forever and ever and ever it's that how can we find a little bit of confidence in that yeah just to get through yeah so powerful and do you have to remind yourself of this a lot for yourself yeah every day yeah and my husband do you know I mean like two days ago he was horrendous and he was just like I don't know why I feel like this

And I was like, because you're just having a bad day. Like, don't look for a reason. Just sit with it. And yesterday he was fine. It's just, you know, life is just, it's so quick, isn't it? It's such a fast pace. We've got so much going on. And I think it's absolutely fine to just feel rubbish occasionally.

Because the temptation is to change it and manipulate it and stop it and speed it up. And even when I, if I'm having a really grumpy day, I just go straight to my hormone, like my cycle app. And I'm like, honestly, it will tell me that I'm going to get my period in two days and that is why I'm feeling like this. And if it doesn't say that, I feel that my stomach drop and it's like, oh, I'm just really grumpy then. You know, sometimes we want to pin something on it or we want to, you know, we want to do something to change it. And how much energy do we put into that when actually it will, it will change shape and it will pass without our meddling. Yeah, cool. It's just getting through it, isn't it?

It's just doing what we can to kind of just get through that little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Powerful stuff. Helpful stuff. Thank you so much. Absolutely. I love that.

It's such a good reminder. It's such an anchoring reminder. And have you got a little sentence or something that you repeat yourself? Because I love, you know, in those moments where you know that you're frantically trying to work out what's going on, you're trying to do everything to make yourself feel better. And you just want to remind you. mind yourself that actually I think literally just remember it's all temporary because because it is everything you know some things obviously are always going to sit with you and that always

going to going to hurt and upset you but it won't feel as bad in a while as what it does now I did a podcast yesterday with a really interesting guy and he was saying that he grew up with an alcoholic father that was really violent to his mum and he said that when he was for the dad the house up and the police came and the police officer said to him, it's fine, you're safe, we're taking your dad away, everything's going to be fine. And I did the podcast with my husband, who's a police officer. And I was really interested, and I said to Josh, like my husband, so what would you do? Like, you've been out to hundreds of calls where you've had to take children into children's services and blah, blah, blah.

And he was like, yeah, I would do the same because actually I'm just sticking a plaster on that child's life. I'm first response. it's my job to go away and do the referrals and make sure other services go and protect that child. But actually to get there, I would be saying, it's fine, we're taking your dad away, you and your mum are safe. And the guy that I was doing the podcast with said to Josh, yeah, you're absolutely right.

And probably all the police officers we ask now would say the same thing. But what I wish is that four-year-old boy that that police officer had done is yes, tell me that it would be fine, but actually recognize what I was going through and say, you must be absolutely terrified right now and I can't promise you it's going to get back straight away but what I can say is tonight you're safe and he said it's about honouring actually what I was going through is a little boy because by him not doing that and just saying you're absolutely fine and probably that was to make him feel better because he couldn't deal with looking at a tiny little boy

that his house was smashed up and his mum was you know beaten it's about almost relieving that for us but it is that. It's that recognition of, you know, of what people go through, I think. And it's not failure to have a human response to that and not be able to fix it for yourself and make yourself happy. You're actually just responding to the circumstances that you're in. And that's feeling. Yeah.

And that's, you know, it's validating that whatever that may look like and trusting and knowing that it will change and it will change. and it will change shape and intensity. Yeah. Yeah. True. True and powerful and something we need to consistently remind ourselves of, especially in a world that is offering the quick fix and the explanation and the, yeah.

Yeah, definitely. So I have got some quick fire questions for you. Yeah. And the first one is, for you, what's a motherhood high? When my kids are high, probably. When my kids are happy and buzzing off something, it just makes me happy. Yeah. And what's her motherhood low for you? Probably when my teenagers have been broken to the point I can't repair that pain.

I remember when Betsy's boyfriend of two years dumped her and she slept on my bedroom floor for three weeks and I knew that feeling and I knew that there was nothing I could do other than tell her it's temporary and just love her. But actually that, you know, that pain, that awful pain I couldn't take away. you know, when they're little and you can give them an ice cream and cuddle them or take them to the cinema and they soon forget, I think, as they get bigger and transition into adulthood, they experience things which will sit with them for life. You know, she won't ever forget that. And it's that reality, I think, that there's just some things in life that your kids are going to go through that you can't make better straight away. Yeah, so you're both furiously holding on to that, that truth of this will change. This is temporary. There is again. Yeah, there it is again. There it is again. And Rachel, what's one thing that makes you feel really good? Probably seeing the change in women. We've just done a trauma course and it was the last day yesterday. So we had like the hypnotherapist got together the, you know, when the women started and when they finished with their scoring charts. And we've had one lady that, you know, wouldn't leave the house. It's really anxious and she's just done her first driving lesson. And I think that's me. Like, that's me that's done that.

I've got that centre and I've created that. You've facilitated that. Yeah, we're so easy, aren't we, to not be proud of what we've done. And it's like, oh, God, like when someone will say you're a best son and author, it's like, oh, God. You know, it's just, it's a bit cringy. But actually, when I actually sit and think about that space and what it's created for other women, it's incredible. And I just, yeah, yeah, that was a good day yesterday to hear that. So, yeah.

facilitating freedom yes yeah the most amazing amazing privileges isn't it to be a part of of seeing that yeah and then finally how would you describe motherhood in three words oh my god brutal um amazing um and and i would use the word love because it's just it's just full of love you know every every day is just you just love your kids don't you and you love your life around them it's just there's no feeling like it i don't think being a mum so yeah brutal amazing love it's like it's true it's true it's brutal and it's amazing and it's all those things in between but thank you so much for sharing with this and for those who don't follow you you you're over at part-time working mummy on instagram yes and there are your books

as well and secret in the mix coming up. And thank you for all you do and the honesty that you bring and yeah, the narrative of parenting that you're putting out there and making so many people feel really seen. And thank you for your page and just parenting really honestly because I remember when you did your post, I was in a really, really bad time where you had the incident with your daughter on the stairs and you were just like, you know, that shame I feel to not be honest and it really sat with me. And I, you know, it was years. ago and I just remember thinking, oh, thank God for you, because at that time, that really helped me. So I think I love that you just help other women the way you do. It's incredible.

Thank you. That means the world has been a delight to chat with you. Thank you so much. And you. I will speak to you soon. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra,

a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.