The Therapy Edit - One Thing With Rachel Schofield on your identity in motherhood

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

This week, Anna is joined by author, speaker and career and personal development coach, Rachel Schofield. In this episode of The Therapy Edit, they discuss Rachel's One Thing: how women musn't be afraid by their evolving identity.Rachel's experience working with women who want to transform their careers and reinvent themselves professionally has led her to be expertly placed on how it feels to want to try something new. In this episode she shares her advice and experience in overcoming barriers to professional change.We hope you find Rachel's words helpful.You can find Rachel on Instagram hereHer free worksheet '" Ways to Explore Your Passions" can be downloaded hereOrder Rachel's book 'The Career Change Guide: Five Steps to Finding Your Dream Job' here.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have with me today, and we've just had such a good chat. I said, we have to stop. We have to click record. Otherwise, we're going to get all the gold off offline. So we've clicked record with Rachel Schofield. She was a journalist, news presenter, now turned career and personal development coach predominantly working with women. She is absolutely passionate about challenging you to design and build the career that you actually want, the one you actually want. And she is also an author. She had a book out. earlier this year called Now the Career Change Guide five steps to finding your dream job. And it is

jam pack full of insights, exercises, practical guidance and case studies to finally get you making the changes that you want. We've already had a wonderful chat. But welcome, welcome, Rachel. I can't wait to hear what your one thing is. Thank you for having me, Anna. It's great to be here. And how are you today amidst it all? a little bit weary and I feel I feel bad saying that because it's been really exciting having the book out in January and doing lots of things but but the result is that you know I've got more people saying hello and maybe can I come talk to you about my career which is brilliant and it's sort of what I wanted and then of course it happens and as we were discussing I'm in that

sort of in between of things are growing the business is taking off but I'm a bit knackered and I'm not at the stage of thinking right let me throw money at people to help me because I'm not quite there yet, and I'm busy with family and things like that. So I'm in that typical mother space, let's say, where there's all the demands, some of it's really great, but there are times I just like to sit down with a gin and tonic, but perhaps not at 10 o'clock in the morning. Maybe not, maybe not at this point in the day, but that's wonderful. And I think the great thing is, you know, you're so passionate about what you do, but the book

is also there. So for those who might not be able to go those kind of one-to-one sessions in with you, it's so full of that practical advice and just empowering people to make decisions more in line with where they're at in life right now. Yeah, I was really keen for the book to kind of almost be a coach in your pocket type thing. So it does take people through the five steps to career change, whether that ends up being a kind of monster. I was an accountant now, I'm a zookeeper type career change. Or often what happens is really it just gives people a space to reflect, to tweak, to get in touch with what they want. And not every career change is a radical overhaul. But sometimes

just building that space to think about what is in my life now? What does a happy and successful career look like for me? What does it need to have in it? And having lots of exercises in the book to work through that, having lots of case studies of people who've done it, having lots of practical tips about how to investigate your ideas and see if they've got legs, all of that stuff can take you to a place where career becomes you-shaped. and actually feels like a better fit. That's so encouraging. I think motherhood is so consistently full of change

that sometimes we can feel really fearful and actually maybe not even want to approach the thought of what changes we might make in our own kind of work lives. So we can avoid it. But actually you're saying, you know, you can make change and it is there for you. And there might be a career that actually fits in better with not only who you I was a mum, but actually who you are and what you're driven to do. And that might look different

to how it did before. You know, who we are when we are 18 and making that first decision about what am I going to study, what path am I setting out on, can feel so momentous that we feel very wedded to that idea. And then suddenly 10, 15 years later, with maybe a first child on the way or, you know, two babies and the juggle, you come to a point where you think, gosh, it really is worth me thinking, does this work for me anymore? Not just at a practical level, because clearly motherhood can throw challenges at us in terms of our time and our energy and all the other things we have to do, but also you evolve as a person. And what you felt was important when you were 21 can quite radically shift to when you're kind of 30, 40, 50. And I think, you know, in that

coaching space, I'm regularly checking in with people who come saying, I just feel I'm in a job that is no longer who I am, but they need help. I'm picking, well, okay, you know what what's not working, but what would good look like? What would a great job look like? And it's so different for different people where we're sort of led to think, it's all about the passion, follow your passion. And that's true for some people. But for other people, it can be quite different. It can be much more about the practicalities of the job, where it is. It can be much more about who they're working with. It can be about the purpose of the work and the kind of impact they're having. So all of those things are hugely personal and it's important to dig into what

they mean for you. Rachel, it's wild when you said that these decisions that we're making at 18 and my oldest son is eight and I'm thinking 10 years down the line, you know, the decisions that he's going to be making then around his education potentially. Wow, I was so flipping young. I felt so grown up and it's okay, I think then, to actually to feel like you might want to make different choices as a kind of, you know, 30, 40 year old. So I can't wait to hear what your one thing is. So Rachel, if you could share one thing with all the mums, what is that one thing? Yeah, it segues rather beautifully from that conversation because it is don't be scared to feel your identity evolving. Don't be scared by that change. Because

our natural inclination is to find it very wobbly, to think, I don't know who I am anymore. I think that can be, I don't want to sound depressing because motherhood is fantastic, but it reshapes a lot of us. It reshapes the way we are with our partner. It reshapes how we relate to our work. It reshapes our energy and our confidence in all kinds of different ways. There's no one size fits all. But what I find is that a lot of women come to me thinking about work, because obviously I'm a career coach, with a sense that their identity has shifted and it's bothering them. They're almost like, I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure what I want anymore. And what I want to encourage people to do is to kind of lean into that. Initially,

it can feel very like someone's pulled the rug from out under you and you're frightened by that change in your identity. But I think if you can if you can almost embrace it and think that's fine that I'm not necessarily who I once was. But also knowing not to feel like you've been split. I think that's the thing is some people start to see their life as kind of pre-motherhood and post-motherhood and one comes off the worst or they feel like, oh gosh, you know, the old me, I used to be this and now I'm this. And I think thinking more of an evolution of like, there's still really important elements of who I was that are still with me. which I want to hang on to, so which one still feel important, but which do I want to allow

myself to let go off? And what new bits of me do I want to embrace and honour and celebrate? So I think it's that evolution that we need to not be scared of and find ways to engage with it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And as I was reading your kind of little bio and bits and pieces before I got on to the recording today, it just really prompt this memory in my mind where I was on. on the beach with the kids and it was kind of a really gray British kind of overcast day and it started raining but the kids were paddling around the sea and they didn't want to go and I suddenly had this urge to just strip down to my underwear and run into the waves with them and we splashed around and honestly it was one of my favorite memories of parenting so far and one of theirs

and as I kind of dried myself off on the beach my husband said to me that's not the kind of thing that you normally do. You don't do that kind of thing. And it made me realize how much we often put ourselves in those boxes and perhaps other people get used to us being a certain way. So these these can be amazing kind of pertinent questions for us to start asking ourselves. You know, who am I now? What do I want to do? What doesn't feel right anymore? How might my passion have changed? So where do we go from that feeling then of? yeah, this just doesn't fit in the same way anymore. Yeah, and I think it's almost thinking about the box.

I like that, that image and I love your story there, that it's thinking, what is this box that I find myself in and who has created it? And I think it's thinking about the fact that when we want to make a change, and I find this with a lot of career changes who come to me, you meet a lot of resistance, both externally and internally, because of the box, if we stay with that, that other people, often not unkindly, but other people have boxed you in because they've

known you so long, you're like, oh yes, you're Anna, you're this, you do this for your job, you show up in this way, you're this kind of a friend, you'll be this kind of a mum. And of course, their brain is just pulling on all the information that they have about you. It's created loads of shortcuts about who Anna is. and I think when you decide to think there's bits of the box I want to reshape I want to paint this wall of my box pink I want to stick some sequins and glitter on this side of the box you know it throws people off that Sorry, that's not how your box looks at. Now, I've got you boxed in. So I'm not prepared to accept that.

And of course, they don't mean to be unhelpful, but sometimes with a career change, people will say, are you sure you want to do it? It doesn't sound very you. I've never really seen you doing that kind of work. And of course, that can be crippling to your confidence and you can start to think, oh, maybe I'm crazy to think I shouldn't be working in finance anymore.

Maybe I'm bonkers to think I could become a graphic designer because nobody else seems to be able to imagine that for me. So I think knowing that other people's boxes can hold you back, even if they're meant kindly, is really important. And also, yeah, the internal stuff, your brain will have done a very good job of making you clear about who you are. Because, of course, identity is a massive piece of us, isn't it? We rely on a sense of this is me.

In my case, you know, I am a BBC journalist. I have worked for the BBC for 20 years. these things about myself that in a way propped me up, in a way where a kind of cloak around me so that when I decided I think I need a change and I want to train as a coach, there was again, my own brain was saying to me, this is not who you are. You must be nuts. Why would you not want to work for the BBC anymore? The BBC is this brilliant institution. It's well known. You have a great job. People go, oh, are you on the telly? So sometimes your own brain will push back and say, let's not rock the boat here. We've nailed the identity piece. Let's not go buggering around

with it. Let's not go trying to paint any boxes red or like rip the lids off. So yeah, it's tough. Our brain and other people do weird things. Yeah, it's familiarity, isn't it? It's such a safety. Oh, I think we're wired to seek familiarity. And actually sometimes it's that moment, isn't it? But what if I, what if I did? And as I was on that beach, you know, there was everything in my brain going, Anna, it would be cold and wet, and you're already going to have some wet sandy kids. And we're an hour away from the shower. And there was another part of my brain that just thought, well, what if I did? It could be fun. And I'm so glad I stepped out of that box. And I had a similar kind of situation really with my works. I used to work clinically

in a very classic setting and GP surgeries and private practice. And I had, there was a time on Instagram when I started talking about mental health. And I started thinking, what if this is a thing. And we can find a new familiarity in time. Yeah. And I think it's all about taking those small steps. I think one of the things in the book on career change is you have an idea about how you might want to investigate something new. You might want to start shifting that identity and stepping into a new space. And I think the key to it is, yeah, on the beach, throw off the clothes, run in the sea. Let's just try it. How does that feel? And in career terms, it's a question of, okay, I've got an idea. I'm not ready to dive fully in.

I'm not ready to kind of hand in my notice and say, this is the new me, that there's that space in the middle that's really important where you start exploring some of these ideas. And you do little test runs. You think, okay, I've often thought I'd like to not work as an account manager anymore. I'd really like to become an illustrator. But of course, you don't want to rip up that identity all at once. You need to set yourself some small ways to try on the identity, to say, okay, let me go and talk to some illustrators and find out what they do all day. Let me sign up for a short course. Let me see if I could sell some of my illustrations at the local market. Whatever it is, it's sort of let me dip a toe into this new

identity, see if it feels right for me, see if it's what I think it is. Because of course, with jobs and career change, we often have an idea of what this new existence would be, but we don't really know And the thing you don't want to do is, like, throw in the one thing and launch full pelt, you know, into something else and think, okay, I didn't try on those clothes well enough. They don't really quite fit. So let me find ways to test them out. And as you say, expand that comfort zone. Just slowly and gradually as you gather more data about who this new you is going to be and which bits of it feel most important. So a real encouragement there just to ponder and think, you know, what if? what if and have some conversations and see if that little flicker starts kind of growing and turning into a more solid flame and maybe in time a roaring fire that finds you making changes that will really benefit you and be a little bit more in line with who you are now. So thank you so much, Rachel, for that encouragement. I have got some

quick five questions for you. Okay, so what is a motherhood high for you? I think so my kids are, I've got two girls who are 19 and 16. And I think the motherhood high was probably quite a recent one actually, my older daughter, which was she started at university. And this will sound really weird, but I think the high is realizing she doesn't miss us. And in a way, that's both gutting. It's like, oh, she can manage on her own. She doesn't need to speak to us every, you know, every day, but suddenly thinking we have put a human in the world who is happy in her skin, who can hold her own, who can navigate some adult challenges, who can make friends, who can make her voice heard, who can organise her own life and is an autonomous human being. Yeah,

I think that was a motherhood high thinking, yeah, you set her free and damn it, she's managing just fine. It's all right. We've not done too badly seeing the fruits of of a lot of those earlier challenges and seeing that, yeah, she's all right out there. And what is a motherhood low for you? I think motherhood low, there's a saying, isn't there? Something around you're only as happy as your unhappiest child. And I think the lows have been at moments through the teenage years,

having teens who were going through the very natural sort of ups and downs of teenagehood and feeling like you can't fix everything straight away, you know, that as people are growing up and evolving, there's stuff that they will go through, that you can't just put a sticking plaster on. In a way, I mean, I found the early years, they were tough, aren't they, in a totally different way, but you sort of feel like I can fix this problem. When you get teenagers who are much more complex human beings, I'm not talking about major sort of troubles or difficulties, but just having teens who are having tough times or whatever

and thinking, I need to just be there. I can't necessarily fix this. So it's a different kind of parenting. And I think, I say it was a low. It was a challenge, I think, to just realize that, again, your parenting style evolves and what's required of you as a mum evolves. Yeah. Yeah.

And not everything can be fixed with a jammy dodger and an episode of Pepper Pig. Oh, absolutely. And what is something that makes you feel good, Rachel? God, this will make me sound so middle-aged, Anna, but... Go on. Can I say going to National Trust properties? Oh, you can say that. I love a National Trust property myself.

I'm a proud member. I was like, well, a kid, my parents kind of indoctrinated me. And what's lovely, maybe this is great for all of us as parents to reflect on this, that, you know, probably when I was 12 and they said, let's go and look around a castle or let's go and look at a stately home, you'd think, oh, but it's fully, it's, it's worked because I'm a fully paid up member and I love it. It's something for me about, I don't know if it's the romantic in me or just a sense of a grounding, but stepping back in time in ancient places, whether that's truly ancient

like Stonehenge, which actually happens to be English heritage, or just something, you know, from a century ago and there's something magical to me and walking in a house that is not my own and seeing the world that somebody else lived in. Maybe it's what made me into a career. rear coach and exploring different lives. It's the journalist in me, isn't it? But yeah, I find that just really gives me joy to connect with the past in some way that makes you realize you're quite small, really, and that's fine. So true. Those things that used to make you roll your eyes when you were young that you're now doing and loving, I am always saying to my kids, look at that sunset. Oh my goodness. And my mum used to do the same. She just stopped the car. And it's brilliant.

Yes, I hear you on that. Garden centres, Anna, because, you know, that's... Oh, gosh, the garden centres now. My husband, yes, that's his area. He loves it. Anyway, thank you so much for chatting with us and encouraging us to have those little conversations with ourselves and see where it takes this. And people can find you at racheloscowfield.com.

And you're also on Instagram as we work your life and a reminder to look out for your book. which is out now, the Career Change Guide, Five Steps to Finding Your Dream Job. Amazing. Well, thank you so much, Rachel. Thank you. It's been great fun, Emma. Thanks. You too. Take care. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us.

And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing starting at only 20 pounds and finally don't forget to pre-order my new book raising a happier mother how to find balance feel good and see your children flourish as a result i can't wait for you to have that take care and we'll chat soon