The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Roxie Nafousi on asking for what you need

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

In this Friday guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to author, self-development coach and manifesting expert, Roxie Nafousi, about her One Thing; on the importance of asking for what you need.Roxie Nafousi is a renowned self-development coach, inspirational speaker, manifesting expert, and a two-time Sunday Times Bestselling author.Her debut book, "MANIFEST: 7 Steps to Living Your Best Life," achieved global acclaim since its release in January 2022 and is widely regarded as the ultimate guide to manifestation. It has been translated into 28 languages and consistently ranked among the Sunday Times Bestsellers for 29 weeks.Roxie's eagerly awaited follow-up, "MANIFEST: Dive Deeper," also made an impressive debut in the Sunday Times Bestseller list and garnered praise from top publications in the UK.Her third book, "MANIFEST For Kids - Four Steps to Being the Best You” was released this year as part of Roxie’s mission to help support young people’s emotional and mental well-being. The book received a perfect 10/10 rating from The Independent.Hailed as ‘the manifesting queen’ by Forbes & the Financial Times, Roxie brings her unique approach to self-development across the world, hosting corporate workshops for the world’s largest companies, as well as, hosting her own sell-out workshops and webinars.Her commitment and dedication to transforming the lives of people who suffer with emotional and mental-health issues and helping them to fulfil their potential has seen her quickly become a leading figure in the wellness world.You can follow Roxie on Instgaram here.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to a guest episode of The Therapy Edit. So I have with me today the wonderful manifesting queen, Roxy Nafuzzi, as if you didn't know her already for her absolutely iconic books on manifesting and more recently a kid's book on

manifesting. She is a renowned self-development coach, inspirational speaker and manifesting expert. She is also a two times Sunday times best selling all of her. Her debut book, which is sat here on my bookshelf next to me, and it's beautiful orange. and I love seeing people paint their nails the colour of your book. Her book manifests seven steps to living your best life, achieve global acclaims since its release in January 2022 and is widely regarded as the ultimate guide to manifestation. And it has been translated into 28 languages and is consistently ranked amongst Sunday Times bestsellers for 29 weeks. Rox's eagerly awaited follow-up manifest dive deeper, which is in a beautiful blue, and is also next to me on my bookshelf here, also made an impressive debut in the Sunday Times bestseller list and garnered praise from top publications in the UK.

And her third book, Manifest for Kids, Four Steps to Being the Best You Was Released this year, or last year, as this is out, in 2023 as part of Roxy's mission to help support young people's emotional and mental well-being. So Manifesting Queen, hailed by Forbes and the Financial Times, Roxy brings her unique approach to self-development across the world, hosting corporate workshops for the world's largest companies, as well as hosting her own sellout workshops and webinars. And Roxy, I've just been so inspired over the years of following you on social media,

just seeing this passion and, well, it's your mission, really, isn't it? Spread and Grey. So thank you for everything that you do, both online and offline. And you've become one of the leading figures in the wellness world. absolute privilege to have you here today. Oh, thank you so much. I will let you speak now after that. Thank you. No, that is so, so kind. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it and so happy to be here chatting with you. Because we were, we've been on a panel together, haven't we? We've been in the same room a couple of times. Yeah. But what a privilege to actually be the one asking you the

questions today. Oh my God, I love listening to you. It was a hello panel talk. And I was, I just think you're such a good speaker. You're so charismatic. I love listening to you. Oh, thank you. I think we're both really passionate, aren't we? And it just kind of comes out with you sometimes when you're given that opportunity to chat away. But amidst it all, and you're a very busy bee, aren't you? How are you feeling at the moment? I'm good. So we've just broken up for Christmas and for the holidays. And I am so happy to be at the other side of it. I think, I don't know about you, but I think that lead up before Christmas obviously is so intense and overwhelming and, you know, work is really busy and it is always a lot,

but I love my job, so I don't mind. But in that last two weeks of December, I was really a breaking point. And then I was supposed to do this big shoot for the cover of a magazine that I really wanted to do for ages. It was on my vision board and it was the 15th of December. And two days before, I was like, I can't do it. I actually have to stop work now because I know I'd had a near breakdown at the beginning of 2020. And I've spent this year, 23, and I've spent this whole year healing in the best place of my life for sure.

I could feel myself slipping mentally. And I was like, I have to call it. I have to have a break or I will swing the other way. And I felt such a sense of relief. And then on Sunday, it was at the first time. first weekend for ages I haven't had any work and I had this day on Sunday with Wolf and Wade who's my co-parent and we took Wolf to the park and we went to the market and we came home and did some spring cleaning and it was the best fucking day I have like since I can remember because

I was 100% present because this is at rare time and everybody's breaking up for work so nobody's emailing you, nobody's bothering you. You have a weekend of like nothing. And I realise that that feeling of being present with your family, that is nothing like it. So I am, I'm feeling so good and so zen right now. And I think that's one of the things I've loved about following you over the last year, especially as you've spoken about the burnout that you went through and also just seeing you put in the boundaries. And sometimes you do just put a message up on stories and you're like, guys, I'm just, I can't. I'm just stepping back for a little bit. And I think it's such a good, like, yeah, it's just people need to see that because I think sometimes we get so fixated on everyone's output and all these amazing things that people are doing that we don't actually know the cost behind the scenes.

And I think you're really open about, you know, you run at 100 miles an hour and you do so much. But sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and you do that quite publicly. And I think that, you know, that will be encouraging other people to recognize that, A, we can't just give out all the time. And B, you know, we need to protect, we need to protect our presence sometimes. And sometimes that might mean turning down something that was on your vision board, as you said, and you really wanted to do it. And that must have been really hard. But you put your well-being, you had to put your well-being first. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's something that you learn with age. And I think it doesn't matter what job you do or if you don't work and, you know, you're at home with the kids.

I think we're all so busy and stretching ourselves so far no matter what we're doing and having good boundaries and being able to just know when you're about to hit breaking point and when you're about to reach your ceiling is so important and it's such an act of self-love and preservation and I think it's so empowering. Like I love that feeling when I say no and I'm like, I know this isn't good for me and I'm going to turn this down or I'm going to say no to going to dinner with my friend because I know that I'm too tired or I'm going to say no to,

you know what, I'm not going to respond to these emails or this WhatsApp group today because I can't, like the girl's WhatsApp groups, my gosh, everyone must know. Like, they're exhausting yourself. You know when you, and when it's getting too much and when you're able to just draw a line for yourself,

I think it builds this feeling of actually like self-worth, self-esteem, confidence because you're doing something for yourself. self. Yeah, and you're being wholehearted. I think there's often the fear of letting people down or, but actually, if you were to have gone to that cover shoot, you wouldn't have bought your best self. You wouldn't. I would have hated it. Yeah. And it would have, there would have been that sense and you might have resented being there. You might have thought, you don't know how exhausted I am. It would have shown somehow. And if you'd have gone to that, you know, drinks with

friends and you'd have turned up exhausted, actually, if they were to really know that what you needed that night was a night on the sofa in your loungeware, then actually you're just honouring them as much as you're honouring yourself, aren't you? Totally. It's like if you've ever gone for drinks with friends or you've gone to a party and you're so drained or maybe you've had a really tough day and you're just in a bad mood or you're feeling sad or you're trying to process something, you turn up and you're not yourself. And then because you're not being yourself afterwards, you get the anxiety or the guilt, oh my God, did people think I was being off? And that's kind of like exacerbates it in itself because as humans, we do have this need

and we want to be liked. And so what happens is because we want to be liked, we don't say no to people. And then if we do say yes and we don't feel like we're showing up as our best selves, then we put pressure on ourselves. So, you know, it's knowing which decision to take. Yeah. No, so helpful. And you really live that out.

So thank you. So in the context of the pod, it would be lovely. to hear the one thing that you would like to share with all the mums listening with all of your wisdom and all of your passion. What is that one thing? Well, I think it's kind of what we just touched on, which is that I would love all moms to have the confidence to ask for what they need and know that they deserve to ask for what they need. And I think that when I speak to a lot of other moms in my life and, you know, my sisters, you know, as well, I really do see how much they struggle to just ask for the basics, like 20 minutes to themselves. And sometimes that is,

that is often all it takes. You know, like I see with my sister, she's like, all I need is just 20 minutes, 20 minutes on my eye, she's got three kids, she's a GP, she's like so busy all the time, you know her. And I know that's all it takes, but she won't necessarily ask for it. And I think I see this a lot as people just thinking that they need to do it all themselves or feeling that they don't want to be a burden or worrying that some, you know, somebody, maybe their partner or somebody else might make me feel guilty for wanting that for themselves. And yeah, I just wish that women understood that they deserve to put themselves first and that not only they deserve it but they need it and not just for themselves but for their whole families yeah yeah yeah so true this

is definitely a drum that I bang for myself and it is and to everyone that will listen and I would say that it has been a journey for me it hasn't been easy to get to a place where I recognize that I need to ask for those things and I'm not doing anything wrong in doing so much you're doing a lot right but is this tell me a little bit about how you've come to this recognition is it always come easy to you to express what you need and ask for what you need or has that been a challenge you know I've had many let's say issues in my life you know I've had severe self-loathing you know extreme anxiety depression addiction I've had a lot but one thing I have always been able to do is express my needs. So I would say that actually that's something

that has, I'm like, I had one thing going for me for the beginning, which is, you know, I was able to say what I need and be able to feel that I could put myself first without being selfish and knowing that it wasn't. And I think it's something that often gets confused because I think people think that putting themselves first or asking for things can be mistrude or they can feel that it's selfish. It means that that kind of person maybe isn't a kind person. But actually, I really want to kind of like smash down those misconceptions because you can be kind and giving and loving and nurturing and also know when to put yourself first. And I do think it's a practice. So I always say to people like when you start asking for things or you start saying,

no or you start setting boundaries, it's going to feel deeply uncomfortable. You're definitely not going to want to do it. And it's not about waiting until you feel ready to. It's about challenging yourself to get into the practice of it. So starting small. So I always say, okay, this week set yourself for challenge. Like every time you're being asked something of you, make a decision to really contemplate your answer before just saying, yes, no problem. I'll do that. you know can you make extra cakes for the school fair instead of just being like yeah I'll do it even though you know that you don't have the capacity I want people to really consider okay is this going to be at the cost of my emotional and mental well-being because that is a big cost and it's a sacrifice

and what happens is when we keep doing things at the cost of our emotional and mental well-being we basically set our we raise our ceiling so that anything can control. trigger us into a very like high stress response or to feel angry or flip out and that's what happens with our kids right if we are setting our ceiling so far they can do one thing which actually isn't that bad isn't that big a deal and yet we flip because we haven't we've reached our ceiling and so what we're needing to do is actually manage that ceiling and bring it down so that you have more bandwidth for patients and understanding and compassion and so that's why I say it's not just for us is for our families as well. So challenge yourself when somebody asks you something,

can you practice this week at least once saying no when that is what you really want to do and see how it feels. And actually you need to see the results for yourself. What you'll notice is that not only do you feel better and you save yourself, you know, angst, the other person on the receiving end really won't care that much. Yeah, they'll cope. Don't care as much as you think they will find someone else they'll knock on another door exactly yeah and and actually you're yeah i love this because you might think what it's just making cakes i can fit that in but you know that there's a cost attached to that you know that actually that's going to be stressful and it may well be that it depletes you enough to shout at the kids when you don't want to and it's yeah it's

thinking where all of these little places that i'm giving out energy and i heard something the other day and I can't remember which podcast it was on because I listened to so many but it was saying don't put other people's wishes above your well-being and I think we often do, don't we?

So you're challenging people just to pause, ask yourself do I actually have capacity for this? What would it be like? Yeah. Just say no and express a need in some way you know, actually I need that time.

I need that time back to do nothing or to do something else. Exactly. I always, in Manifest, I think I write, always ask yourself, is this the most self-loving decision I could make? It's like a really simple question. It's like, is this decision coming from a place of self-love or not? Because it should always come from a place of self-love, which is honouring where you are today and where you want to be tomorrow. As people are listening to this in start of 2024, it's such a good opportunity to really just spread this as a kind of mini challenge.

this is going to be the year that I put myself first and see how it feels. My God, you do this for a month, you're going to be feeling fire. This is amazing. And I, yeah, and going back to that point of when you put yourself first, is this the most self-loving thing that I can do? I think the narrative that we often hold in our minds is what I'm just going to become really selfish. But you're saying, actually, you will turn up more authentically.

and wholeheartedly to the things that you say yes to when you say no to the things that you won't. And actually, I would, I would rather a friend didn't meet me for coffee or didn't come over if I knew that the reality of that was that that was going to be stressful, that she was going to expend what little social energy she had left. I'd rather she just did what she needed to do. So to me, that's not, like when we understand this a little bit more, we find a bit more patience and great to each other, don't we? 100%. Apparently there's

an, I think people love being cancelled on, like I love when someone cancels on me. There is, come on, I think everyone can agree. No better feeling. There's an element of relief, isn't

sometimes? You're like, oh, some space in the diary. I heard there was this app. It was like, sorry to read on it. Did you see it where two pieces you put your meeting in this app and then you cancel? And if the other person has

cancelled, they won't see that you cancelled, but if they also want the cancelled, then it ultra-adly cancelled. It's genius. Is it real? Is it real? That's amazing. I saw something and I didn't know whether it was a joke or not, but that, I mean, it's just, and I think this is the reality of what happens when we overload ourselves, because I'm pretty sure back in the day when it was me at Walwoods at 11am, you know, this is what you'd arrange on your home phone with the cable and you'd turn up outside Walwoods, for your pick-a-mix at 11 a.m. And because there were only how many things in your diary,

how many, you know, it wasn't so constant pinging here. You know, oh, gosh, it's just so relentless, isn't it? And I just wonder if we, because we couldn't say yes to a million things a day, maybe we just had more capacity to do those few things that were in our diaries and to be wholehearted with them. Definitely. And also, we feel like if we have, you know, me and Wade often do, like swaps. So on the weekend, let's say, we always try, we'd like to spend time as a family,

but we'll do like a three-hour swap. But like, I'll be on my own with Wolf and then three hours off. He'll be on his own with Wolf. And afterwards, we are always, we always come back as better parents because we're so excited and so grateful for that time for ourselves and we feel so fulfilled and like re-energize. You know, it's such a great feeling. Yeah. Yeah. And it really does help us love better, I think, when we've got more capacity. So I'm going to remember that next time. A request comes my way. I'm going to think, can I do this wholeheartedly? Is it taking something of me that actually I'd rather be giving to the kids in the form of a little bit of patience or, you know, responding over reacting? So yeah, more wisdom from Roxy. Oh, thank you so much.

I'd love to finish off by asking you what is. I've got some quick, five questions in my mind. and I'm going to go for the one that I'm most intrigued by. What is something that makes you feel good? You do. Oh, my God, just being involved. Honestly, he is my favourite person in the world. Like, every moment I'm with him is a joyful moment. Oh.

Like, what's he like? He's so far. He's just, I honestly feel like I wouldn't have another baby because he is a fluke, like. to have such a chilled. He's just very chilled. He's very, very funny and entertaining. And just such a mummy's boy.

So I just love, love spending time with him. I love it when they're funny as all the stuff that they come up with. It just gives us life, doesn't it? And it's so anchoring. Like, you have to, when you're really with a child, it forces you to be more present. Yeah. It also brings out my feminine energy,

which I don't get to be in often because, you know, I run a business and you're often often in my masculine. I think that different people bring out different versions of you. Everyone in your life will bring out a different version of you that exists. And Wolf brings out the favorite, my favorite version of myself, that really soft, patient, nurturing version. So I feel the best about myself when I'm with him as well. Amazing.

How powerful. Well, thank you so much, Roxy. And I encourage everyone to go and seek out your amazing books. just to just to absorb and benefit this empowering sense of actually yeah express a bit more of what you need think about what that might look like and start finding ways to step into that so thank you very much for your time today thank you thank you so much thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the therapy and if you have enjoyed it don't forget to subscribe and review for me also if you need any resources at all

I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website anamatha.com. And also don't forget my brand new book Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.