The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Sarah Turner on how to make things easier

Episode Date: April 22, 2022

On this episode of 'One Thing' Anna chats with author Sarah Turner (aka The Unmumsy Mum). Sarah's One Thing is a nugget of wisdom that has helped her numerous times over the years and we're sure will help many other mums too.Sarah Turner is a Sunday Times Best Selling Author and her latest book, Stepping Up, her first ever novel has recently been released and can be purchased here https://smarturl.it/SteppingUpYou can follow Sarah on Instagram at @theunmumsymum and you can read her blog and find out about her other books and events at http://www.theunmumsymum.co.uk

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with moms everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. I have a guest with me, the wonderful Unmumsy Mum. I think, would you say, I feel like you're one of the original mum blockers. We've just been chatting and you have been blocking and kind of putting your words out there since 2000 and 13. So that's literally, it's your 10 year birthday next year. And you're an author. You've got three Sunday Times bestsellers. I can see them on my shelf up here. The Unmomsy Mum, Unmumsy Mum diary and Unm, the N-Mumsy A to Z. And you've got a new one coming out soon. So you have soon got a novel, which I'm so excited about. So it will be out. It's called Stepping Up and it will be out by the

time this podcast is out. But I'm excited to read that. Can you tell us, well, I feel like I've just kind of splurge. But hi, Sarah. How are you? How are you for? Thank you for such a lovely intro um yes that is who i at 2013 is that's mad um it's a long time i'll take that one of the original one of the original mom bloggers um i feel like there were a few of us and i certainly wasn't the very first but i got in there early i got i got on that train early doors um yeah and stepping up um is my first novel and it's all about a woman called beth whose life is a bit of a mess She's never quite managed to stick at anything, never held down a relationship or a job. She kind of hasn't grown up yet, really, despite being in her 30s.

And a tragic incident happens, and she is indeed forced to step up and look after her teenage niece and toddler nephew. So it's Beth's journey, basically. What was that like for you writing a novel after writing kind of three non-fiction books? It was a bit of a roller coaster. I'm not going to lie, particularly because part of it was written while also homeschooling during a pandemic. So it was harder than nonfiction for lots of reasons. But also I've learnt so, so much like the process from first draft, which was basically, you know, rip it up and start again to the fourth draft, which is the one that's published, was just, you know, a very

steep learning curve. And it's easy for me now to say, I loved it. I loved every second of it. I did not love every second of it. And I cried quite a lot. And at one point, I started looking at jobs and said I wasn't going to do it anymore. And James was kind of shaking in a corner. But we got there, got there in the end. And I'm very proud of it. Wow, what a steep learning curve. And, you know, it's going to be out there in people's hands. And do you feel proud of it? Yeah, I do. I do. I feel like I've had all this kind of bubbling anxiety, but now that it's actually got to the point where it's out, I feel kind of weirdly, there's like a release. It's like it's not in my hands anymore. And even like the story, people will interpret it in their own ways. And it's almost like

the characters and the whole thing doesn't really even belong to me anymore. And that's weird, but I quite like it. It's like, I've done all I can. I am happy with it. I really hope people like it. And yeah, we'll see. I cannot. I cannot wait. I love reading novels. I always read, I always read novels on my Kindle and then I always read nonfiction in like book form. I don't know why. I like to fall asleep to novels. So I look forward to falling asleep to yours. Thank you. So Sarah, we ask our guests the one thing that you would like to share with all the mums. What's that one thing for you? So my one thing and I actually think this might originally have come from you. So it might be like a, it might be like a full circle thing where I'm

quoting your wisdom back at you, but somewhere I saw, and I think it was from you, a little advice nugget of doing your future self a favour. And honestly, it has changed my life. It has totally changed. It's been a game changer. So I don't really, generally, I don't often hear things that I think that is going to change how I live my life. But I tried, I trialled it and I don't, and it works for parenting, but it also works for kind of life generally. And doing your future self-a-favor is exactly what it says on the tin. It's doing little things that the future version of you will go, thank you, past Sarah, for doing those things that have made this moment in time a little bit easier. And now, it's like a family saying now,

we employ it for everything. So it might be emptying the dishwasher before we go to bed. And then in the morning we're all a little bit smug that the dishwasher is empty and we've done our future selves a favour. That's a little thing. It might be I'm really bad at I will take my trainers off without untying the laces but then I can't get them back on again without untying the laces. So now I will like untie the laces when I take them off because the next morning me will be so happy that the laces are untied. And in parenting it might be you know simple things like getting the kids clothes out the night before or part prepping pack lunches or just doing things, you know, not putting off until tomorrow what you can do today in terms

of homework and stuff. All the stuff you don't actually want to do, but you're going to have to do it at some point. So do your future self a favour and get it done. And it is just a game changer. I just love that piece of advice for life generally. And actually, it features in my novel as a piece of advice that one of the characters kind of lives by. So it's even transcended into affection. Yeah. That's amazing. I think I also see that on the organised mum as well as she talks about being your future friend. And I think that's it, isn't it? Maybe sometimes we need to externalise, like, a part of herself and then find a bit more kind of, I don't know, driving compassion for them?

Yeah. Does that make sense? Like, future me somehow feels different to Naomi. So maybe I care a little bit more about how she feels than. Yeah. And you don't know how she is going to be feeling. So if present state you is actually managing kind of to tread water fairly successfully at that point, and you can tick off some of these jobs,

that future you then won't have to do. If future you then has a headache or has COVID or, you know, is on her period or is struggling with, you know, her eldest son's maths homework, she'll be pleased that past version of herself kind of chipped in and helped out. And it also makes me think, I think I used to, you know, there's a lot of pressure on mums in particular to kind of be the perfect mum, to be really organized to do all of these things outwardly make you look and look and feel sort of brilliant and I think it changes it reframes it if you're doing those things for

yourself so it's not a competition with other mums you're just trying to help yourself out and it takes on a different it just feels different if I feel smug I feel smug when I'm doing those things because I'm like you know Sarah three days time it's going to be so pleased that three days ago, Sarah, thought, do you know what, I've got 10 minutes, I'm going to book an online shop because we're all going to run out of food again. Everyone's going to be cross. Do it now. You've got time to do it. Do it now. I love that. It's kind of like building an affection with yourself, isn't it? It's like, late to me, I hope you find this helpful. And then later you was like, thanks earlier

me. Yeah. You know, it's just like building that, that slight affection with those different parts of yourself. And it is. And it is effective. Yeah. If they're right. There are two versions of, if there were, or multiple versions of myself at different moments in time, I don't think they had a relationship before. There was just one that kind of got through each day. And now the fact that I've learned that, you know, in the future I can benefit so much from things that I've done for myself, there is. It's like a, it's like a little nod to, you know, she'll like this, like it's somebody

else. She'll appreciate this at the weekend. Well, thank you. I think there's going to be a lot of moms going around the place kind of thinking about their future cells and just picking some of those things off whilst they've got the energy. So thank you for that. Love that one, even if somewhere it might have come from,

probably did come from something that I'd written. It definitely does ring about, but it's just always good to be reminded, isn't it? Yeah. So, thank you. So, Sarah, we always ask our guests a few quick-fire questions. So what is a motherhood high for you? oh motherhood high um motherhood highs for me are always i can't single out one specific moment

but kind of a genre of motherhood highs for me is like when you watch your kids in some kind of a performance or something like a nativity there's nothing i love more in the world than a nativity um why are they so cute and uh there's something about when you're watching your kid in a play or something and they kind of look out for you. You know, you sort of have that moment where they look and they find you. And you're so proud and you're like, that is the best shepherd that has ever graced a stage ever. I don't care what anyone says. Those are the moments that I just absolutely live for as a parent. I love them. Such is my love of a nativity that I went to one of Henry's nativities when I was in labour with Wilf because I was like, I'm not missing this. He's a wife.

You were going to say you went to someone else's nativity. Someone who's at one time that your kids weren't even in. Yeah, yeah. Just rocked up to the local church. Yeah, because Henry was like, will you be there? And I was like, yeah. But I was there and they were singing, they were singing some, you know, they were singing little donkey or whatever.

And I was kind of having to like, you know, hold my back between instructions. Just got to get through this, guys. So, yeah, like, it doesn't have to be nativity, but any kind of play or performance or football match or something where they are looking kind of around for your sort of recognition and knowing that you're there are the bits when I'm like, it's all come good. This is magic. I love it. I love it. It's literally making my cheeks hurt thinking about how, you know, the more rough around the edges they are. Oh, it's better. I love it. I love it. When all the nativity start, you know, when they get all the

names wrong, when they bring, you know, gold Frankenstein. That was one. That was in one of us. But baby Jesus gets kind of lobbed by his, logged out of a manger by his ankle and chucked across the stage. Joseph has to go for a wee. I love it. I love it so much. Brilliant. Yeah.

And what is a motherhood low for you? Lowest, lowest ever motherhood point for me was probably when Wilf hurt his head. So he had an accident and basically, long story short, Superman dive bombed off a armchair, straight onto his head on the edge of a coffee table and cut his head right open and it was very, very bad. And it was the, it was our, you know, there's all, everybody's going to have an experience like that. And for us, it was the, you know, ambulance and straight to theatre and hit to be put under because it was, it wasn't something that they could just do with kind of surface stitches. He'd really, really

gone to town on it. And it was just awful. And I had some kind of trauma from that for weeks where it would replay over and over and over over in my head. And I would wake up very upset and, you know, really struggled to look at him because it was a physical reminder. These massive stitches, the doctors had said he was very lucky not to lose an eye, you know, if he'd fallen slightly differently. I can still, I have like a muscle memory of the feeling of the panic if I sit and actually think about that day. So for me, that is by far the worst parenting experience. And he is fine. Kids are fine. Kids are brilliant. He'll always have a scar, but he totally rocks it. He looks great. It's like a little Harry Potter. So it's fine.

It's fine now, but at the time it was not fine. And I was definitely not fine. None of us were fine. So yeah, low point for sure. That vulnerability, isn't it? It's that you realize how, yeah, you're just kind of taken right to the core of that vulnerability of, like, love and motherhood. Oh, oh, we feel you. Take it to the nativity. Go back to the nativity. Whether your kids are in it or not. Yeah.

So what's one thing that makes you feel good? One thing that makes me feel good. Do you know, I was having this, I was having a kind of a bad day the other day, and I was driving home from somewhere. And I had this real, I had this real sense of, you know, all you want to do is go home. And I had this real sense of home. And I was thinking about, because I knew everybody would be here, James would be here with the kids. It was, I think it was like a Friday evening.

So there was probably some kind of kitchen disco going on, which generally involves wrestling entrance music in our house, which is, you know, exciting. And I just had, like, I felt really, really good in the way that you feel. content and settled and like I couldn't wait to get back and it's not always the case sometimes I can't wait to get out but I actually thought at home is what makes me feel good like my home when everybody's in it and actually I've realized that home is not necessarily doesn't even need to be our house necessarily so we could be somewhere else but it's like all of us together um that that feeling of like you know that feeling of belonging i know that i know that feeling like even when you're just kind of walking towards them somewhere and you're out and you just

see them there and you know you're just going to join them and you're yeah and it's like they're yours and you're there and it's like you have this you know you have you you have family sayings and you have things that mean nothing that anybody else that came in wouldn't understand you they don't understand the references they don't know why every time you say this you follow it with something else, you know, from TV shows you watched in 2004. It's like you have all this stuff. And it was just this real clear sense of I was driving home from somewhere. And I was like, I'm so happy to be going home.

And I just love everybody in my home. And yeah, I mean, as I say, every day is not always like that. But it was, you know, that is what makes me happy for me being with my family. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good feeling. I think that just inspires such a feeling of. grassitude, I think, when you know that you have that in your life, what an absolute gift. So finally, how would you describe motherhood in three words?

I would describe motherhood as messy, chaotic and magical. I love that. I love that. Well, thank you. And thank you so much. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us and encouraging us to. do things that our future sales will be grateful for. I'm going to get back onto that. It definitely came from you. I'm bringing it back. I'm bringing it back.

Well, thank you. You bought it back. You bought it back. And to everyone listening, I really encourage you to go and buy yourself a copy of stepping up. And yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you. It's been an absolute pleasure, treasure. Take care. Thank you. of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional

wellbeing. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon. Thank you.