The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Self Care Club on why self care is anything but selfish

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

In this episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna is joined by Lauren Mishcon and Nicole Goodman, hosts of the brilliant Self Care Club podcast, as they share their One Thing: that self care is anything but selfish.Taking on different self care practices every week, Lauren and Nicole live each practice to the letter and then report back on the results on their podcast. It's part reality, part experiement and what they don't know about self care and wellbeing isn't worth knowing!So who better to discuss the merits of self care? Touching on the topics of mum guilt, people-pleasing, self-respect and resentment, Lauren and Nicole share the sentiment that you can't pour from an empty cup and that our wellness needs must come first if we want to be the best possible versions of ourselves for the people we love.You can find Lauren and Nicole on Instagram hereListen to the Self Care Club podcast here

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I have Lauren Mishcon and Nicole Goodman and they are the self-care club. They have a podcast. It's released three times a week and every week they try a different self-care practice. They literally live it to the letter for a week and then they come back to you with the results. So you can hear as to whether it will improve your wellbeing or will it be another waste of your time, something it needs to go in the self-care bin. It's part reality, part experiment and it tests out self-care so that you don't have to. I was actually, actually on their podcast at the end of January. So go back to that and have a listen. Absolutely brilliant. What an amazing, what an amazing resource to have. But also great to have you here.

So hi. Hello. Hi. How are you doing? How are you doing today? I'm actually feeling all right. But I don't know. You sound surprised by that. Well, Nicole and I are sometimes fairly heavily ruled by our hormones. But I know that when I'm coming up to mid-cycle, I'm always like feeling creative and up and quite good. Juicy. Yeah. Oh, we were using that word? Okay. So I, yeah, I'm feeling all right today. Do you do plan things, do you plan things around that? Some people think they don't well. Yeah, they do. And I know lots of people do a lot of work around the cycles. And I don't plan it to the letter as in, oh, no, no, no, I can't possibly take that meeting because I'm in the autumn of my cycle. definitely notice that if it's towards the end, I'm less inclined to want to make plans or to go

out. And I always know that this week and sort of into next week, I want to be very social and I want to see friends and I want to invite people over and I want to do stuff. So I tend to take advantage of the good bits and then try and pare back a little when I'm not feeling it. I totally believe in this going with your cycles thing. It's true. I hope your cycles are synced. Otherwise, you know, if you're going to go, they're not, they were. They were. they were now they're not so much that's my fault yeah totally Nicole's fault

my cycles have changed that's totally my fault and I've now synced with my eldest daughter oh really that's probably why I think that's it's really good to think about that because I think if I get invitations I've got a social invitation the other day

and I'm just about to get my period and I was hibernation mode can't even think about going out the house after 7pm so I said no And in it, you know, next week, I might have been well up for it. Yeah. You know, so I kind of make decisions very much from how I'm feeling rather than how I might feel.

Yeah. So maybe I should, I should follow that, take a leave. You know what you call that? I call that self-care. Call that self-care. Yes. Sometimes saying no, it truly is. So talking about self-care, the self-care club pod, tell me, yeah, what is the one thing that you would love to share?

with all the mums? Self-care looks different every day. It's a constant moving thing as we are constantly moving, changing, evolving and actually the conversation we've just had highlights that beautifully because we don't feel the same every day. We feel different every single day and that might be due to our cycles or due to our experience of what's going on, our circumstances, our environment, and, you know, just what's happening in our external world

is going to dictate how we feel a lot of the time. And therefore, our self-care is there to help us, to support us, to take care of us. So sometimes you might feel like going for a run and being really energetic. And sometimes you might feel like sitting on the couch and reading a book. Or sometimes you might have to say no to your mother-in-law

who's just asking you to do things that you don't want to do. So it's the check-in, that check-in of what is it that I truly need today to help me smile, to help me survive the day, to help me support myself. Yeah, so we are never the same. So therefore, what we need in order to care for ourselves will look different. Lauren, what happens when, because I think I've been stuck in this, and I'm sure, you know, so many people will relate that I've had in my head, is what I do for self-care. Maybe it's, I go on a run this many times a week, or I like

long hot baths, or, you know, what in your experience, either from yourself or what you've seen in other people, what happens when we have this idea in our heads of this is what it means for us? I think a lot of people have the idea in their heads that self-care is either expensive and therefore not really for them because who's got the extra money lying around to waste on a 100 pound face cream. And I think it's important to realize that true self-care, real self-care doesn't cost money. And sometimes it's not the things that we do on the surface that are truly going to help you. So Nicole and I call these things plaster practices, e.g. The bubble bath, e.g. The face mask. All these sorts of things. They're lovely. They have

their place. We're not poo-pooing them. They're great if that's what you need in the moment, but they're not going to truly help you. So is the reason why you need that relaxing bubble bath because actually underneath that you feel completely overwhelmed because you have three small children. So maybe what you need to be leaning into is I actually really need to learn how to ask for help because the bubble bath will fix me for 20 minutes, but it's not going to help next week or the week after or the week after that. Yeah, so really just kind of turning towards yourself and thinking what actually is it that I need, I might be able to do something that makes me feel good, but is it actually kind of acknowledging

and meeting and helping and supporting that need in some way? Because we can plaster over these little cracks fairly easily. We're very good as women at doing that, a little bit of polyfiller here and there. But when the next storm comes, the cracks come out again. And they come out bigger. Yeah. And it's much harder and more uncomfortable to do the, I want to call it the dirty work, the harder work of having that difficult conversation with your mom or your mother-in-law

about how actually you don't like the way they tell off your child or feed them stuff. You've really asked them a million times not to feed them because it's icky and no one enjoys that. But the feeling you're left with are feeling cross, angry, frustrated with yourself and it is not going to help. Yeah. Well, it's going to deplete you. And it's going to take so much energy away from you when actually you've got small children, children that you need to give your energy to and you've got a job and you've got

a busy life and you need all the energy you can that you can muster to get through the day. And that has to start with feeling good within your own skin, mind, body and soul level. Oh, it's good. It's so much harder though, isn't it? It's so much easier to run a bar than it is to think, actually, there's a conversation I need to have here because this dynamic is messy and it's repeating and I'm feeling overlooked or I'm feeling resentful. It's so much, it's so much harder. Do you find that the more you do it, the more the easier it is? or, I do.

Nicole does, I don't. I'm actually very good at looking after myself, but I've taught myself how to be very good at looking after myself so that I can look after everyone else in my life. And if I'm not looking after myself, then I am a bit of a rubbish mom. I'm a bit of a rubbish wife. I'm a bit of an absent friend.

I'm just no good to anybody. And that's just not the woman that I want to be in my own life. So I have learnt that very hard lesson of actually my wellness needs and my well-being has got to come first in my life so that I can be who I want to be to the people that I love. Lauren is rubbish at it. Thank you. I think I have quite a strong drive and instinct that I tell myself, I must never be a selfish mother.

So I have three sons and that will always come before me. Once you've done three years of hosting a podcast about self-care, you learn slowly, but surely that actually you can't pour from an empty cup. I mean, we all know that and it's so trite and it's such a cliche, but you have nothing to give if there's nothing in there, you know. So I'm, I'm better than I was. You are. Thank you.

You are. Yeah. I think it's such a learning, isn't I often think about cake, love cake. But, you know, it's like giving yourself away, like giving all the wedges of cake away. And then you just have crumbs left. You can't really do anything with crumbs. You can't feed yourself with crumbs. And I think so often we just, we give ourselves away and we're just left with the crumbs.

And we need energy. we need energy to rationalise anxious thoughts and coach ourselves through challenging moments and have patience. And it's really upside down, I think, to what we often go into motherhood thinking of this sacrificial. The martyrdom of motherhood, I believe, is what they call it. And also we deserve that piece of cake. Yeah. You know, we deserve it just as much as anybody else sat around that table. We deserve a slice of that cake. But it's just that belief that we don't. No, I realized only a couple of weeks ago, I normally make a chicken on a Friday. And I always cut it up and I serve it and I give everybody else the bit of the chicken that they want.

And I always, every single week, have the leg, which is totally fine because I make a really nice roast chicken. But given the choice, I would probably choose the breast. But I never have it, not once, not ever. And it never occurs to me. I've spent an hour making this dinner and I've laid the table and I'm going to clear it all up but I don't deserve to have the breast.

Oh my God, I'm making you a roast chicken today and I'm giving you both breasts. All of the breast. You can have my breast too. Thank you. These are statements, aren't they? All these things, you know, they are statements. They might sound kind of silly and insignificant sometimes

but everything is a statement in some way. Yeah. isn't it yeah and what an act of love to give yourself that piece of chicken and to then you know section it out for everybody else it's a real it's a real active weirdly i'm going to use the word courage and bravery because it is because we're so conditioned to give everybody else what they need first and then whatever's left over you can have like you said the crumbs on the cake but actually what if what would it look like to give yourself that breast or on the plate first.

Ooh. There we go. That should be one of your self-care club challenges. It might be. But you know, we've spent three years testing out many, many, many, many things. And we never hold ourselves up as, yeah, we're the experts in self-care. We are very normal, very real women in our 40s, juggling, husbands, job, kids, everything.

And so when we test it out, we're really testing it out. And it's challenging a lot of the time, things like the week of having a difficult conversation. Even the title of that show made us both feel uncomfortable inside, you know, and learning to say no and learning to ask for help and learning to stand up for yourself. These things are things that sound so obvious, but they're not. No one really teaches you that stuff. No. Yeah. Those things really strike me.

being about respect you know about respecting yourself and actually also in doing so you're respecting others because I don't know about you but if I'm giving something that haven't got and I'm doing it out of a sense of duty often it comes with that resentment you know and it might be that I expect them to be so much more grateful at the end of it than they are because they don't actually know the hidden cost of that so when we're being when we're having those difficult conversations or we're being more authentic with how we're spending our time and our energy, we're actually honoring, respecting that other person as well, even though it might not feel like it, because we're doing it from a more kind of authentic, less needing place.

And hopefully it's guiding the way for other people to stand in that themselves. So if I'm going to create a boundary with someone I need to create a boundary with, then I would like to think it encourages them to stand in their boundaries with me or with other people. But by not doing it, who is it serving? It's actually serving nobody because you're people pleasing somebody else and they don't really know how you feel and they don't really know that you're then going to become resentful and all those things that come with it. That's not helpful to them. It's not helpful to the relationship and it is certainly not good for you and your own mental health physical health spiritual health it helps no one yeah but you're right it can be so hard

but i think looking on it is self-respect and sometimes i think it'd be so helpful as self-care was actually about it was it was called self-respect because a lot of these things are just about honoring ourselves as equal and honoring ourselves as kind of valid and were worthy and in line with that I got a message from someone in my community and they were saying, you know, I find it really hard to go out for a walk because I know I like walking, but I just feel so, I feel selfish and I feel indulgent and I can't stop thinking about everything else I should and could be doing. So often I just come back and I'd love to know if you have some words to speak into that situation for that person, which I know will resonate with so many others listening.

We did a week of something called The Power Hour. where basically you either get up an hour earlier, which I know is very not appealing at this time of the year, or you just build in one hour of your day to do something for yourself. So some people use it to do admin or chores that they really don't want to do, but it's just that hour. So she could build that power hour in and that is just her hour for her with no guilt around it because what she's talking about is, is I feel guilty for doing something for myself. How is she going to feel after she's had the walk? Probably a better version of herself, more relaxed, calmer, a bit more nourished. Does she want to run her life from guilt or does she want to run her life from nourishment? Because she's going to show up so differently post-walk than she is if she didn't go for the walk

when she's then depleted, exhausted, resentful probably, and then just feeling guilty that she didn't look after herself. There's always going to be the guilt there. but I would say don't work from the guilt, don't run your life from the guilt because that is so diminishing, so depleting and it just brings nothing good. Oh, amazing. That's going to speak to so many. Thank you. Thank you so much. And people can find more about you at this self-care club pod on Instagram, which has lots of all of your links and stuff. and then your podcast, which is amazing, and it gives you, you know, it's, it's, it's not about the bubble bars. It's about just loads of ideas and ways of caring for yourself that perhaps

you wouldn't have thought about or are more around kind of dynamics and relationships and respecting your voice and strengthening it. And yeah, I absolutely, I'm so grateful for that. So thank you. Thanks for having us. Well, that's all right. I've got some quickfire questions for you. Go for it. So don't go anywhere right yet. So let's see. Start with Lauren. What is a motherhood high for you? Oh, the days I gave birth to my three sons, I loved it. I've never felt more proud and empowered. And then recently, the day that we dropped our eldest at university in September, we were just bursting. And it's a very mixed emotional day because, you know, it's a huge, huge shift in the household. But we dropped him off and we left and we looked

each other and we went, wow, we've completed a child. And it was incredibly satisfying. And just a really proud moment. That was a lot of high. I'd never thought of it like that. Yeah. Oh, thanks for that. And what is a motherhood low for you, Nicole? You get the raw end of that deal. A motherhood low. I would have to say that I'm kind of in one at the moment with my 12 year old. who is going through puberty, she's very challenging. I don't, I'm struggling with how to reach her, connect with her, and it's, it's tough, it's really tough. And some days I am crying to my husband because I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. And most days she's telling me she hates me and there's other days when I'm just telling myself that she's going through teenage life

and she'll be okay and she'll come back to you but it's it's a rough ride right now yeah thanks for sharing that with us it's all it's all ahead for me it's all ahead for me it's different kind of challenges different challenges different kind of hards yeah and Lauren what's one thing that makes you feel good. Laughter. Anyone that makes me laugh or making someone else laugh or watching something that makes me laugh, it makes me very happy. I'm here for the humour.

I'm with you. I'm with you on that one. And finally, Nicole, how would you describe motherhood in three words? Challenging, unpredictable and precious. Challenging, unpredictable and precious. Yeah. Brilliant. Well, thank you so much.

Thank you for joining me and sharing your brilliant, warm wisdom. And I encourage everyone to go and check out the Self-Care Club podcast. And enjoy. Enjoy being inspired by all the different ideas and hearing how Lauren and Nicole have got on with them. So thank you. Thank you for having us. It's been a pleasure. Thanks, Anna.

Thank you. listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Over Mother, know your worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows, and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip, and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity.

You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all £12 and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.