The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Sophie Bradbury-Cox on the uniqueness of mothering

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats to Sophie Bradbury-Cox.Sophie's one thing comes from her perspective as a mum with a disability and a wheelchair user and she tells all the mums to embrace the uniqueness of their experiences as mothers and to avoid comparing their journey to those of others.Sophie is a disabled, colour obsessed mum of one who shares her totally unique experiences on her blog.You can read more about Sophie at www.fashionbellee.com and follow her on Instagram at @fashionbellee

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, welcome to today's guest episode of the Therapy Edit. I have with me the most bright and bold and kind of amazingly colourful inspiration that is Sophie Bradbury Cox. She is on Instagram as Fashion Bell. She is a mum of Zira, a true lockdown baby. Sophie has used a wheelchair since she was a teenager and she discovered that

there just weren't many kind of style icons, people that look like her. She has the most colorful trendy styles. So the most amazing thing is because she couldn't find anyone, she has become that person for so many. I actually found a picture of her wedding on my Google search and she had a rainbow-themed wedding. Every bridesmaid was in a different colour of the rainbow. You were just surrounded by your seven lovely, lovely friends and family there, which was just amazing. Sophie started posting her fashion picks when she realised that, you know, she really wanted to step into that space and fill that gap. And she does it so well. Sophie also campaigns to see. more visibly disabled people on TV. And she was on this morning modeling in August. So she's

done it. She's doing it. So she's making changes as well, inspiring people and really just kind of making change that needs to happen. So welcome, Sophie. Hi. Hello. How are you? I am good. Thank you. How are you? Yeah, I'm really good. Thank you. Yeah, not too bad. I've had a bit of a cold the last few days, but I feel like we're getting over it now. So good. Do you, are we moving away from that that point in our culture where, you know, if we sneeze or cough, we have to say it's not COVID. I know. It's still nerve-wracking though, isn't it? It is, isn't it? I still kind of like try and stifle any sneezes and probably just, you know, make these weird grunting sounds. I'm really looking forward to, or we don't have to caveat everything. I think we're moving towards it, hopefully. So, Sophie, the question that I ask our guess here is if you could share one thing with all the mums, what would that one thing be? Okay, so my one thing would be that just to remember that being a mum is so unique to everybody,

I think it's particularly prevalent to me because I'm a disabled mum and there's not a lot of people that I know, friends and family that are disabled. And my journey as a mum has just been completely different to theirs. And yeah, it's just that it's totally different. We have to adapt every single day to work around my disability, what I can and can't do. And I really have to try and focus every day to remember that I'm still her mum. I may not be able to do things like everybody else, but I can still love her and I can still give her everything that she needs just in a different way. Yeah. So just it's it's acceptance, isn't it? And self-validation. Yeah, definitely. And I think we find those things quite hard, don't we?

You know, we're often just kind of comparing and contrasting our situations with other people's. And sometimes, you know, often it is, it is a very, we have different parenting experiences. 100%. And I think I do, I'm terrible at comparing myself to other people. And I always say, oh, they're normal mums inverted commas. And people always say to me, you're a normal mum. You're just doing it in a different way. And I often have to really remember that myself and not sort of punish myself. for it in a way. So has it been quite important for you to kind of come to continued acceptance

then, isn't it? Because it's obviously, and I think all of us will relate in different areas of our lives, we can come to that place of acceptance, give ourselves that little pep talk, and then it rears its head again, you know, a few minutes or a few hours or days down the line and we have to do it again. Yeah, definitely. I mean, it can be silly things like Zyrell fall over and she's crying and I just can't be there and pick her up and I have to wait for my carer to come over or my husband. And it's those little moments where you think, oh, I just wish I could do that. I wish I could just be there and pick her up. But I can't. And that's, I've had to accept that over the years. It's not, that's not going to happen.

So, yes, definitely, definitely acceptance in what I can do is love her. And that's, that's the most important thing, really. Yeah. Yeah. And that really, that, you know, that really is the most important thing. How do you find feeling, knowing that your experience is different to other people and knowing that your friends may be don't understand what that's like. So I remember in parenting, you know, sometimes I find it really hard with my husband because he does not know what it's like to be around the kids as much as I do to be, juggling the different things. And sometimes I just want to, I just would love him to really understand what it feels like. for me and he's never going to because he's he's not living in your shoes yeah that's it

yeah so how do you you know how how do you navigate that sense of knowing that sometimes yeah that you do have it very differently and that does mean very different things for you and other people you know will not because they're not you they will not try and understand and try and support you, but it's that feeling sometimes, isn't it, of feeling misunderstood. Yeah, and I think that's why my kind of social media came into it quite a lot for me, because there wasn't really many disabled mums that I could kind of approach, especially when I first got pregnant. I kind of didn't even know where to go. There was no groups or anything like that. And then the more I kind of talked about it on social media, the more disabled mums sort of spoke to me and followed me. And then

we'd kind of like talk to each other and it was so nice to have that connection with them because I didn't have that sort of in my daily life. So it was nice to hear things from their perspective. I could ask them questions that I'd never be able to ask anyone else. Even doctors and consultants, they barely had any kind of experience with people with disabilities. So unless it was kind of someone with a disability that I could talk to, there wasn't anyone else that knew what was going to go on and what was going to happen. So it's really important having that community on there. And for me to share my experience as well, because like you say, other people don't know. They don't realise what happens. And by me sharing our story,

it's getting it out there. It's getting it's seen by people and for people to realize actually what's involved and have a bit of empathy really towards it, I think. Yeah. Absolutely. I was reading in that article with your beautiful wedding photo and it was saying you were explaining some of the you know some of the the challenges that you have you know picking her up when she was crying you know as you just explained

and then it's it's a really powerful thing in order to almost to educate people as to what that differing experience of motherhood is and also the power of community and the importance of finding those people that do

just get it because sometimes you just want to feel you just want to feel got yeah you don't you you just want to feel got you want to be able to ask the questions and have those conversations that other people will will not be able to kind of really just to understand the nitty gritty and the emotions involved because they're not they're not in the same situation no yeah and it's nice you do you get that feeling of i i speak to other people's disabilities even in just general life like access these and things like that and you just think oh you you get me you get where I'm coming from and how frustrating it is because even like my family they've obviously been with me my whole life but even

sometimes they will say things or do things and I think oh you just you don't understand how it feels from my point of view because you you just don't live it so yeah sometimes it is really nice just to be surrounded by those people and be like you get me you get how I'm feeling right now yeah so that must have been such a really incredible part of your journey. And just knowing that you're got, just knowing that you're got. And I think we all need to find those relationships and those people. And sometimes it takes us by surprise, don't we have a conversation with someone? And then perhaps we give a little bit of insight into a certain aspect or challenge in our lives. And they just, you know, it really resonates for them. And suddenly there's that connection, isn't there?

Yeah. And my goodness, you, you get it. And then you know that you've got that person to go to or that person to talk to. Yeah, that's it. And that's where social media is so amazing sometimes that you really do connect with people that you never would have normally. And especially being a disabled mum, it was it was great to find those people really just chat to and pick their brains about things that I didn't know what to do or those kind of situations. So. Yeah, I think, you know, Facebook and Instagram certainly for all of it's, you know, downsize. Yeah. Downsides and all of it's, You know, it can be a bit of a double-aged sword, can't it sometimes. But I think you're so right.

There has been an amazing ability opened up to connect with people that you may never have been able to connect with in normal life. You might not have come across them. Yeah, that's it. And there is a massive lack of sort of any kind of clubs and things. And I've had a lot of people approach me and say, oh, do you know any sort of groups that you can go to? And I never really felt welcome.

I know that's so awful. but I never went to any kind of groups while Zaira was sort of a baby because, I mean, lockdown was a massive part of that anyway. Kind of put some better in the words there. Yeah, that was definitely not ideal. But even then, I kind of felt embarrassed because I wouldn't be the ones doing things with her

because I couldn't get onto the floor. I can, and rather than me kind of being like, no, I don't care, I'll just do it anyway. It made me take a step back and actually be like, no, I don't want to put myself in that situation. Yeah. And I think there is room. There's definitely room for places to be more inclusive

and have those spaces where disabled mums can go because we obviously exist, but it's just not widely known about. Yeah, and when there's, you know, especially when there's barriers to access there, then that's, you know, that's the first hurdle. You're always kind of shut out at the first level. If you can get in the even in the building or anything.

And your, you know, that's, I guess this takes us to one of your massive passions, which is to campaign to see more visibly disabled people kind of in the public sphere and on television. And you've done that. And what was it like going on this morning and kind of just being that person that you so wanted to see being that person for others? Yeah, it was amazing.

And the feedback I got was incredible. You can tell when something like that happens that how many people wanted it to happen and how many people are so glad to see it on their screen. You'd hardly ever see any visibly disabled people on your screens and in media, catwalks, anything like that. And I just think it's a huge area where it can be improved upon. Like it's not that difficult. It's just the inclusion of everybody is just so simple.

And yet it very rarely happens. So yeah, to be asked going this morning was amazing because I just felt kind of like, I'm doing it for you. you guys. I want to be that person and show everyone that we can do it and it's not a big issue. There was no major disasters. There was no issues around it whatsoever. It was so smooth and we got it done and it just proves that it can be done and it was fine. And why is it not? And I think, you know, following your page and the education that you offer, just by sharing your story to those of us who aren't dealing with a disability, you know, it's, gets me thinking like that that play group I used to go to you that was upstairs in a you know

in a hall that often the lift was broken you know and it and I think tiny little things isn't it yeah and it gives us it's kind of an invitation for those of us to think more about how how inclusive is the environments that we're stepping into what what might we do to as able body mums to be able to kind of open, you know, just even open up that awareness. You know, I may have been able to go to someone that ran the group and said, you know, why can't, what about if we move the play group downstairs? You know, would that be, would that be a possibility? It's almost been like an advocate for us as well. Yes. Even though you're able-bodied, it's still that, actually, I could, I could help this situation out and, yeah, support disabled people. You don't have

to be campaigning and doing all these things but it's just like you say it's just a little thing that then would help us out in the long run yeah and what would it have been helpful for you is so you know going back to that the idea of going to the play group or that kind of little baby class and having and knowing that you couldn't be doing all those things with zara that perhaps other moms were doing what would have been helpful for you at that point from another mum yeah i mean that's the thing. It's kind of word and mouth as well. I mean, obviously at the time there was the lockdowns and it was very rare to get in a group anyway. And then when they did come out, it was almost like there was no kind of mention about it. I know some people don't want

disability to be talked about all the time because it's like, well, it should just be inclusive and there shouldn't be made a point of it. But sometimes it's quite nice. Like even if they had it on a poster and just said like everybody welcome or something and that subtle nod then to be like oh maybe it is accessible maybe i would be welcome there um just that sort of invitation to be inclusive and to make us aware that it doesn't matter if you're in a wheelchair it doesn't matter if you're disabled you're you're always going to be welcome here and that's sometimes you need that i need to see that they're going to be like that so that i i get brave and i do it yeah yeah because i guess it you know you've probably learned not to assume that that it will be like

that. Yeah. It's kind of a negative, yeah. A negative bias probably from various different experiences where people haven't been welcoming or haven't just ensured that there is not that first hurdle of accessibility with even getting in there. Yeah, that's it. And it's, and it is just those like little steps, like I said, that make a massive difference to our lives. And yeah, just feeling like we can be a part of it as well. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. You know, that's so, it's so, it's just an invitation, I think, isn't it, for us to, us fellow moms to step up with in awareness and to think about what, you know, even if there isn't a disabled person as part of this group at the moment, what barriers might there be,

even at the first, you know, that first hurdle that perhaps we can just draw attention to. Yeah. Oh, wow. Thank you, Sophie, so much for inspiring us, inspiring us in. just inviting us to step up, giving us an insight in what it is like to be you. And I think that that's a really generous thing to do. You know, we should, it should be an assumed thing that we are having these conversations in there. You know, you shouldn't in a way have to be campaigning. You shouldn't have to be doing that. It's a shame that you have to be doing that,

but you are doing that. And that is an incredibly generous thing to do for so many. So thank you for that. So I finish off with some quick fire questions. Okay. You're ready for Sophie, what is a motherhood high for you? Oh, absolutely just the love that you get from your little one is just amazing. And at the minute, she is like the funniest person in the world. So the love and the joy you just get from them is just is amazing. Yeah. Oh, gosh, absolutely. And a motherhood low, what's a motherhood low for you?

I think, again, it would be based on my disability, just the things that sometimes I get frustrated that I can't. do. And I wish I could. And yeah, sometimes that is definitely a low. Yeah. The things that many of us just completely in Italy take for granted. Yeah. Isn't it? And what's something that makes you feel good? Beyond colour. Oh, God. Let's say food. I love food. Going out for a meal is like my favorite thing in the world. Really? Yeah, that definitely. What's your favorite kind of food? Like if you go to any restaurant, any kind of cuisine, it's got to be Italian, pasta, pizza, all the good stuff. Oh, I love a Carbonara. I crave, I have like pregnancy cravings for Carbonara, like when I'm not

pregnant, like the intensity of it. Oh, yeah, love it. And how would you describe motherhood in three words to finish off? Okay, um, I'd say fun, exhausting and, um, interesting, because I think you're always learning and you're always having to change and be different all the time with how they grow. So, yeah. You think you've got a handle on it and then suddenly. Yeah, it's absolutely. God. Yes, I know. You get kind of confident and then suddenly there's a new stage or phase

or something that comes along and reminds you that you're always going to be learning. Yeah, always going to be learning. So Sophie, thank you so much. Thank you so much for the words that you shared for what you share on social media. You're on there as Fashion Val. So everyone go and give, go and give Sophie a follow. Be inspired by her incredible use of color, the way that you put things together. Oh my gosh, I just, I'm so safe. You've got to go for it. I'm so safe. But also you're the community that you provide, both for those of us who would benefit from insight and learning and educating ourselves, and also for those who just, you know, inspiring people to find those people who get you so that you feel really known because, you know, so many of us

experiencing different situations and it's such a powerful thing to do to feel understood and known to have those places and those people to go to. So thank you. Thank you so much for your time today. Thank you. I'm going to go and dig something colour for that in my wardrobe. Very great. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks, Sophie. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Over Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mum's, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between.

It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a mum. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon. Thank you.