The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Steph Douglas on focussing on family foundations

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

On this episode of The Therapy Edit's 'One thing', Anna Mathur chats with Steph Douglas, Steph's one thing that she would like to impart to other parents is that having children puts a unique pressure on a marriage and shares her advice for focussing on family foundations. Steph Douglas founded thoughtful gift company Don’t Buy Her Flowers in 2014. Prior to running the business, Steph worked in Brand and Marketing and then started a blog, writing honestly about motherhood, relationships and trying to be a grown up while never feeling quite like she knew what she was doing. Posts included ‘When New Mums Get Angry’, ‘With this ring, I give you my dregs’’, and the postnatal ‘Pulling up the Drawbridge’ post that went viral with over 110k views to date. Steph recently launched The Don’t Buy Her Flowers podcast, an evolution of the blog, that enables Steph to find out how other people are coping. Or not. The idea for Don’t Buy Her Flowers came about when Steph received lots of well-meant bouquets after her first baby, but felt overwhelmed by them and wondered whether there was a more thoughtful gift that offered TLC and encouraged the recipient to take a bit of time for themselves. Seven years on DBHF now has 20+ employees, is in it’s second warehouse (a far cry from Steph packing on her bedroom floor for the first couple of years) and saw huge growth during the pandemic as people looked for thoughtful gifts, allowing them to invest in growth as well as, importantly, increase donations to long-term charity partners including Cancer Research UK and introduce some new ones too. Steph has three children under twelve, is married to Doug and loves naps, gin and re-watching films she’s seen a hundred times so it doesn’t require her brain. Follow Steph at @stephdontbuyherflowers and visit the Don't Buy Here Flowers website here https://www.dontbuyherflowers.com

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with moms everywhere. So join with me for the next 15 minutes as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone and welcome to today's episode of One Thing. had a pretty frantic morning, lots of switching and swapping around. So I've had a lovely chat to my guest, Steph, Steph Douglas, as I've kind of landed in my chair in front of the microphone. So always just love Steph's work and her words and her ethos and just what she brings to mums, really.

And yeah, I mean, if you haven't heard of Steph, I don't know where you've been. If you haven't purchased one of the don't buy her flowers, kind of gift, packages, such a go-to for me, then stick that on your list. But Steph is the founder of Don't Buy Her Flowers. After your first baby, Steph, you received, was it about eight bunches of flowers? Yep, yep. Yeah, and we're like, oh man, now I've got to put them in a vase. It's just, you know, it's those things that can feel a bit overwhelming. So out of that, out of that sense of there's got to be something better for mums, you created Don't Buy Her flowers. I did. Didn't you? Yeah, didn't you? Which is all about kind of gift packages for what was moms initially.

Now it's like a really thoughtful and you can kind of create your own. I have given so many away. You actually do. I love it when I see your name pop up. I see my name popping up there. But it's lovely. You can curate your own kind of gift packages and also you've put them together and it's not just mums, is it?

You've got ones for dads, ones for people. Yeah. Cancer treatment. Any occasion basically when you want to be a bit thoughtful is where it's it's gone to it. Yeah, it started as new mums and it's developed into something of monster. Yeah, and it's, I think it's just so good as a busy man to have some, have a website to go to for any occasion to know that there will be something there. Yeah. I think the, the sort of breadth of stuff that we've got now of products and different ideas is, is much bigger, which is great. And I think that,

yeah, we do, you see it, you see someone order like three in a row and it'll be like one's a birthday one's a get well and one's for a kid and you're like brilliant and that for me that's perfect we're getting it right you're getting it so right so all of your all of your work stuff is over at don't buy her flowers and Instagram and on the website and I'll link that in social but then also you share your words and your wisdom over at steff underscore date by her flowers just sharing motherhood and your your thoughts and your insights which I just think yeah you're you're honest and you're candid and I've just learned so much from you along the way. I think you were one of the first people that I followed.

No, honestly. You know what? I remember being really early pregnant with Florence and seeing you in an event and saying, oh, I'm heading towards three. And I remember you saying to me and I'll never forget it because it resonated and I still hold on to it. And it's that simple, except all the support. Yeah.

And you inspired me actually to explore getting a doler. But yeah, just that. thank you for that. Thank you for the encouragement and the honesty. We don't though. We think especially if you are a high achiever like you're capable and so you're going to strive for more, being more capable. And there's just definitely after I have a baby is one of the times when you can just go, do you know what, I need the help. I'll take the help. I'll get the help. It's, I think you have to. Yeah. Yeah. And pulling up the jaw bridge and just taking that space, which, you know, we have to and we need to, but it's easier said than done for for a perfectionist

in recovery like me but thank you for inspiring me um so the other thing i really wanted to mention was your podcast which is your new podcast don't buy her flowers podcast with step douglas it is and it's wonderful it's about that kind of rush hour of motherhood and life and i think it we're four episodes in so we're we've done some people pleasing and um the new year and the pan like um talking about the pandemic and ways to try and reflect on it actually before we move into recovery and yeah it's been i'm i'm really enjoying it's nerve wracking because it's a new thing but i'm pushing myself anna and that's what's well i'm i for one and i'm grateful that you are i listened to the people pleasing one recently and it was just yeah really powerful and

relevant and you'll be coming on soon i'm you're on my list so oh can't wait we've got so much talk about i said as we we had a speed of catch up before we started recording i was like we're going to have to go for for lunch or something yeah um we need we need we need a we need a good old because this podcast, I guess it's so short, isn't it, that there, there isn't just the time to chat. Maybe we'll have a chat on yours. Yeah. So, Steph, the question that I ask, all I guess, is if you were in front of all the mums, what is the one thing that you would want to share in part with them?

Okay, so mine is, I suppose it's probably not even just for mums. Relationships are hard, especially after having children. but I'm talking about particularly about romantic relationships there. Do you want me to go for it? Yeah, go for it. Yeah, I mean, that's affirming in itself, to be honest, isn't it? Because I think often we see our behind the closed doors

and we kind of idealise other people. So that, you know, that fact in itself is affirming. But yeah, tell us more. Yeah, I think before I had children and before I got married actually, so I just saw, I met this. wonderful bloke and we fell in love and it was quite whirlwindy we decided to get married did all that and I think I just thought it was this going to be an upward trajectory towards just more happiness

you know we we'd met that was the big bit and actually that was the really easy bit that was nothing and the challenges that come I mean life challenges yes so there's you know every for everyone you've going to have things like bereavements or griefs or work issues or, you know, the kind of normal things, but I think just having children was the biggest challenge by far that we've had. We've got, I've got three kids. And that first one probably was the biggest shocker where I just don't know, I hadn't thought about it. I don't know what I was expecting to happen. I guess you, you do hear and you see, and now I see it even more, I suppose, when people post, for example, so say a celebrity couple or somebody that you don't know

particularly but they post and they're back out on date nights a couple of eight weeks in and they post about their love for each other has never been stronger because they've created this baby and that's all true in a way but I was so angry with Doug when I had babies particularly after all three like it wasn't like just with the first after all three I went through a phase of just feeling really angry lost um resentful it felt like and I I know this isn't, I know in hindsight with the rational brain and everything else that it's not true, but it felt like my life completely changed my body, my relationships, my capacity to leave the house just as a free agent. Everything was different for me, whereas it felt like he kind of just like could walk out the door, shut the door behind him and he got to read a paper and sit on the train and go to work and be with people in the same way that he had before, whereas even if I saw people, I felt, um, weird and kind of like I could hear them and see them moving around me, but I was in this slightly muffled bubble, you know, where you're just, and maybe I think probably after my

second I did have a bit of postnatal depression, but regardless of whether you have full on postnatal depression or not, it's a really weird time just after you've had a baby, as well as being magical because you've had this baby and you love this baby. And it's, so it's all of the things, all at once. And I think it's really easy to. lose your relationship for a while and then feel really lost and confused and hurt and like, oh my God, we're going to get divorced. This didn't work out. And it's funny because whenever I've spoken about this or written about this, I'll get messages from people going, shit, I wish I'd heard anyone talk about this because maybe we could have worked it out or maybe he was an

asshole and it was not meant to bit. You know, it could be either. But if you don't think that it's going to be a tall heart. Like if you're expecting it to be roses in that upward trajectory that I mentioned, then you're suddenly just like, oh my God, desperate. And that was my constant was dug. And yet our relationship just felt really hard for quite a while. And it's up and down, right? So marriage isn't an upward curve. It's still we're, I've got an 11 year old and 9 year old and a 4 year old. And last couple of years with the pandemic were hard because we're at home. We'd never spend more time together. Oh man. Yeah. You know, do you remember at the beginning of the, at the pandemic? And when there was a couple of weeks before schools broke up, it didn't feel that

serious if I like, really. And we were all told to work from home. And we said we were at home. We went out for some nice lunches. It was like, God, there's going to be like a baby boom. Everyone's going to be shagging like all the time because we're all together at home. And then, you're like, no, no, no, no. Like there's nothing least or less sexy than homeschool. and being at home. Oh, gosh. Oh, man. And all the emotions that come with that. Yeah, and even that resentment that was definitely there here of, you know, he was, he still had a structure to his work day or most upstairs and I think did everything really to kind of facilitate that. And it was all the feelings that were going on downstairs in the, in the chaos and it was quite fraught. I think,

I think you're, you're so right. It's that difference, isn't it, between the fantasy that we so often have as to what family life is going to look like and what the relationship's going to look like when you have these precious children together and actually the reality is quite different. And I never forget a line, I heard at a wedding and the lady that was doing the talk, she says, you know, love is a feeling,

but it's also a decision to be loving. It's a decision that you have to make over and over again. And I just, it stuck with me. That must have honestly been about 15 years ago. God, and it's so true, because, and the, the, the bit that's really difficult about that first bit, and I think probably mostly like that first year after having a baby, but on and off generally, is that you don't have the capacity to be loving. And like, I lost, we both lost the capacity to be kind. So, and I think

a couple years in, and I wrote, it was a post called When New Mums Get Angry and about that kind of rage I felt. And, and at the end of it, I think I wrote something about, just like, what can, what can you do? What can a partner do? And it was like, just be kind to her. She has just gone through this massive, physical, emotional thing of having a baby and all of the stuff that's gone with that and changes that's made. And if you can dig deep and be kind, she'll come back to you. And I remember we had a point in our relationship where Doug realized that. I think maybe it was after I wrote it. I can't remember. But he was like, I'm not dealing with normal stuff. If I react to you when you're unreasonable or exhausted or moaning about something that's really not

important, if I react to you in the way that I would have done pre-kids, we're never going to get anywhere because you don't have that capacity. You know, you're not reasonable, maybe. And that's hard to admit when you're in it. So I'm saying that with hindsight. But he, and that have really helped. And you have to remind each other of that. And also just, yeah, when you have got that capacity to be kind and you get it back, you know, then it works both ways. If he's having a really awful time and you can lift yourselves out of it, but it's when you're both disconnected and not feeling that and struggling a bit with something, anything, your mental health, that's when it's really difficult because neither of you has that in you, I think. Yeah. So maybe just having

those conversations, if you can, about how important that gentleness is and acknowledging how hard it is because I think you're right with so much more reactive, aren't we, when we're stressed and overwhelmed or have gone through massive transition. Yeah. And you can't have a reasonable conversation then, can you? No. No, you can't. And there's, there's so many stories that we tell in our heads around the resentment of, but you're finding this easy and I'm finding this hard. And actually, I think sometimes just having those conversations, you know, I was approached town quite a few times over lockdown. This, always like this fantasy I had of how it was for him upstairs in the quiet, working away like normal. And he was like, Anna,

it's actually really stressful in my job right now because there's a lot of fear and there's a lot of uncertainty and I'm finding it really hard knowing that you're having a hard time downstairs and I'm struggling with a lot of guilt that there's not anything that I can do in the moments that I really want to. So I think it was allowing each other to fill in the truth of some of those stories that we were creating in our minds. And the only way you can do that as well is to have time and that's probably again, that's what you really, when you've got children, that's really hard. And we have to get out every now and then. And again, that was hard in the last couple of years. But even we had a point where you could have a babysitter and we'd

have a babysitter and go for a walk. Because actually sometimes going for a meal, sitting opposite someone who you've been like hissing at for the last week, it's not the best solution because you've got any like, but going for a walk or going to the cinema or even so you actually don't need to talk that much, just having time where you then have a bit of chit chat. And I'll suddenly go, shit we haven't talked about that thing that happened that conversation with my mum that whatever because we've been too busy doing logistics at home which a lot of our lives seems to be you know can you pick up that but yeah I'll get that thing yeah fill in that form pay that bill blah blah blah so I think time you have to carve it out and you don't need to call it a date night

because then you just feel like a knob but just shoehorning in shoe horning it in somewhere just some intentional time but thank you so much I think I think it's an affirmation most of all, isn't it? That it's hard because it is hard. If you're finding it hard in your relationship, it's completely understandable. It's not failure. It's not that it's all falling apart necessarily. It's just that there needs to be some conversation if you can shoehorn it in and some gentleness for whoever has the capacity to extend that and you'll ride through it with those things. Thank you so much. Pleasure. So Steph, to finish off, I always ask us a few quick file questions. So I've got a few lined up for you. What is a motherhood high for you?

It's when I'm focused, I'm present and focused. So there's a lot on just not being distracted and I'll make them laugh or and there'll be that kind of chubby, candid, giggly, pouring at me that I'm, because I'm not trying to do something else at the same time, I just can enjoy it. And I don't do that enough, but I am aware of it. You know, it's it's one of those challenges, isn't it? But I think that when you can just be with them, because they're funny, like the kids are, they've got personalities now and they're pretty entertaining. So that would be that when you make them laugh, it's pretty great.

Those little moments and just suck it all, oh, suck it all up, absorb at all. So what's a motherhood low? Probably when the opposite happens. They're like trying to do 10 things at once or just, I just remember one trip to a garden centre where I got told off and another adult criticised me and I was feeling really weak

and like I didn't know what I was doing and I burst in it I tried to argue back and I couldn't because I started to cry and I couldn't stop crying you know when you just cut your flood there was obviously loads of other stuff going on I could not start crying to the point

I then sat in the cafe at the garden centre with I think the kids were probably two and three or something and just kept crying until people were coming up and going, you're okay. And what I should have done that day is probably not go anywhere. I should have stayed at home. I should have called someone that I loved who could have told me I was doing okay. But I was just feeling so unsure of myself.

And it just took one. I'm going to go and hug earlier. I know. Oh, I'm sure you do as well. So many people listen and be like, oh, we've been there. We've been there. Yeah. So what's one thing that makes you feel good?

As a mum. Well, just as you. Oh, it's you. Oh, laughing. I went out with some friends last night and was giggling in a free way where I wasn't thinking about anything else. We did it really last minute so nothing was overthought. And I think at the moment that's a really good way to do stuff. There were six of us.

And to get everyone together usually takes like weeks and then it gets someone cancels and we all turned up. and just it was really free and loose and easy. Therapeutic. Yes. Oh, filling up. Good, good filler. Yeah, totally. So finally, how would you describe motherhood in three short words?

Mad, but mad. Mad but mad. Mad but mad. Mad in there is brilliant, but mad because it's hard. Yeah, brilliant and hard. I love that. Well, thank you, Steph. much. I honestly feel like we could do four times this amount of chatting. Oh, man, thank you so much for

joining us. And just your affirming, your affirming words that in the trenches, it's, you know, it's hard. It's hard because it's hard. It feels tricky and messy because, you know, it is. And yeah, shoehorn some of that time in to have those conversations. And remember that you're kind of on the same team. Yeah, yeah. That of God, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Thank you, Steph. Thank you so much for joining us. I will speak to you soon. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the soul

focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.