The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Suzy Reading on how to choose yourself

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

In this Friday guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats with long overdue guest, Suzy Reading about her One Thing; how to choose yourself.Suzy is a mother of two, an author, Chartered Psychologist and Coach. She specialises in self-care, helping people manage their stress, emotions, and energetic bank balance. It was her life experience of motherhood colliding with the terminal illness of her father that sparked her passion for self-care which she now teaches to her clients, young and old, to cope during periods of stress, loss and change and to boost their resilience in the face of future challenges.Suzy is the Psychology Expert for wellbeing brand Neom Organics and is a founding member of the ‘Nourish’ app. She figure-skated her way through her childhood, growing up on the Northern Beaches of Sydney, and now makes her home in the hills of Hertfordshire, UK.Her first book ‘The Self-Care Revolution’ published by Aster came out in 2017, 'Stand Tall Like a Mountain: Mindfulness & Self-Care for Children and Parents' and 'The Little Book of Self-Care’ came out in 2019. ‘Self-Care for Tough Times’ and her first children’s book ‘This Book Will (Help) Make You Happy’ were published in 2021. Her first journal And Breathe,  Sit to Get Fit and her new deck of cards, “The Little Box of Self-Care” came out in 2022.Rest to Reset is hot off the press now. Join Suzy’s Wellbeing Community at:InstagramFacebookTwitterHer Website

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist's mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with moms everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hello, everyone. Welcome to you today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I am so excited to share with you, our guest. today. I have Susie Redding. Now, I've followed Susie for years. I'm not quite sure how many.

There's probably a nifty way of finding out on Instagram, but I have benefited so much from Susie's amazing, warm, but also really straight talking words on just self-care, totally reframing self-care, making it accessible, something that isn't eye-rolly, something that we value more in also valuing ourselves. So Susie, to give her some more introduction, she's a mother of two, an author of many, many books, many of which I have beside me on my shelf. She is a child's psychologist and coach, and she specialises in self-care, helping people manage their stress, emotions and your energetic bank balance. I love that term, but she totally does that. Now, it was her life experiences of motherhood, colliding with the terminal illness of her father

that sparked her passion for self-care, which she now teaches to her clients, young and old, and also all of us on social media. She does it so generous. She is a psychology expert for Neon, which I'm a massive fan of, and she is also the founding member of the Nourish app. Now, some of her books will tell you about, so you can go and look them up if you don't have them already. She's got the self-care revolution. She's got stand tall like a mountain, mindfulness and self-care for children and parents. Now, because I talk so much around kind of anxiety, I often get parents asking me, can you give me some resources for my kids? And stand tall like a mountain is always a book that I confidently point

people to it. So I'm so grateful for that. She also got self-care for tough times. Her first children's book, this book will help make you happy. She's got a journal and breathe, sit to get fit, and her new deck of cards, the little box of self-care came out in 2022. She's even got more, rest to reset, and a new book coming out soon, which we will have to ask her about. Anyway, Susie, thank you for filling my bookshelf, my Instagram feed, with the most nurturing, sometimes powerfully straight talking words on the importance of looking after ourselves. I will let you speak now. How are you? Welcome. I will well, Anna, what a gloriously welcome. Thank you so much for having me. And I must say, you're feeling my bookshelves too,

and my goodness, I absolutely adore sharing the journey with you, darling. I find what you share so affirming and uplifting. And I feel like, I feel like I come home when I land on your feed. so thank you. It's just so wonderful, I think, for that feeling to be so mutual. And in a place of fast-paced social media where we often find ourselves retreating to, to have those voices that just remind us to return to ourselves, because often that really is what we need when we're kind of turning and getting immersed in and absorbed in things that are actually not really helping us. To get your words is just such a jolt back to ourselves. So thank you. How are you today? It's so great to have you. I can't believe. I haven't had you on here before. What is wrong with me?

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Do you know what for me? There's this mix of huge excitement, but in the midst of hibernation mode. I'm very much in hibernation mode right now. So thank you for the opportunity to connect and come out of my retreat. Oh, well, it's lovely to see you. Can you tell us a little bit about your most recent book? Yes. So I'm immersed at the moment in looking at how we can thrive in winter, which I think is really fascinating. And it's not just acknowledging that our self-care needs to adapt for seasons of nature. It's also looking at how we can adapt it for different seasons of our lives. Oh, wow, because I guess we have wintry, wintry seasons of our lives that may even come at the height of summer. So you're saying that it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the, both. It's the, yeah, the honouring the seasons of life and the world, whilst also acknowledging that we have those seasons internally and in our lives as well. That's right. Sounds amazing. It's fun. It is. Well, I'm really excited to ask you the big question, which is, Susie, if you could share one thing with all those listening, what would that one thing be?

that one thing is it is okay to choose yourself tell us a little bit more tell us a little bit more because that's cognitively i know now that's really important but there's always this voice in me that is is just always feeling like i just need to give give give give give choose other people sacrifice and I think that's yeah I won't be alone in that being kind of that nagging undertone or maybe even a really loud overwhelming voice so tell us a little more so I think we can all acknowledge freely that we are very much embedded in a society that glorifies selflessness yeah but also it's bigger than that it demonizes selfishness and for me it's become more and more apparent.

So we've been talking about self-care professionally for about a decade, right? Yeah, it goes back a long way. And I think it's probably the latest book on Rest that's really helped crystallize for me where the barriers are because I think previously, you know, self-care revolution came out five years ago and the dialogue there was very much around

I haven't got time, I haven't got energy, I haven't got the funds to be able to do this. Whereas now, five years later, we're well versed in ways that nourish ourselves that don't take much time, don't take any energy, they don't cost a penny. And yet we still feel this enormous guilt around taking time for ourselves. And I think it was the book on rest that really showed me that the fact is we can lovingly tend to the needs of others all day long and yet still feel like it's not okay to take a little breather for ourselves

because rest is just, I guess, of all of the self-care activities, I think it's probably the most self-indulgent one. And I think for me that's where I realized that it wasn't, you know, it wasn't all of those other barriers. It was this feeling of it's not okay to turn inwards.

It's not okay to honor ourselves. that's the barrier. Because if we don't believe that we are deserving of that slowness, of that rest, of that pause, we're going to turn down every opportunity, regardless of how many there actually are around us to do that, aren't we? That's right. Even when that time avails, we still feel like it's not okay for us to do it. And it's tinged, isn't it? If you're going to sit on the sofa, you're going to honour that somehow.

And I remember speaking to her mum, she said, I feel really guilty when I go out for a walk. You know, I'm someone who may have. have well felt that, or as I now take, I take my walk very seriously. I know why I need to do them and I think it's love. Me going on a walk is love. It's loving people around me. It's loving myself. But I've moved through to get to that place, but it hasn't, it hasn't been easy. And people, you know, if you take that moment to pause and it's filled with guilt, it's, it's not nice, is it? It's not nice. No, we fritter it away. Yeah. Absolutely. It becomes, it becomes another stick that we beat ourselves with.

I'm not being productive. I'm not, you know, servicing others. We feel bad about ourselves. Yeah. So how can we get to that place? So for the person listening who has tried it, has tried to stop, tried to slow, but actually all of those feelings, the guilt, the who am I when I'm not doing anything, what good am I?

It's actually too uncomfortable. So it's not a part of their lives. What would you like to say to them? I'd like to invite them to think about where these messages have come from because I think that that for me has been so that the thing that's allowed me to think differently, feel differently and then behave differently. And I think when we trace it back to the kind of messaging that we've received around the emergence of will in childhood, our right to have needs and to have

our needs met and our right to experience emotions and for healthy emotional expression. And you can trace it right back to the kind of stories that we tell each other about babies, you know, a good baby is one that doesn't cry, is one that sleeps well, that doesn't trouble its parents. And then you trace it further along. And we've got the terrible twos and three-nagers and sassy six and moody teens. as if somehow the emergence of will is to be ridiculed or, you know, we make fun of it. It's inconvenience, right, exactly.

It's like somehow our worth as human beings is dependent upon exactly that. How convenient we've been, how well we've conformed to the rigidity of what's required of us. How little we need from other people in order to be happy and easy. to those around us. Exactly. And then you look at the nature of the school day, the fact that you are told you've got to sit still, you've got to be quiet,

or you've got to do this task and you've got to do it in this way, delivering it by this means. You know, these are exactly the conditions, the lack of autonomy, the lack of choice, the lack of freedom that we know create burnout in the workplace for us adults. And yet our kids are expected to just conform

and pitch up do as they're told, you know, they're not allowed to go to the loo during lessons. It's like to survive in that school environment, you basically have to override an awareness of what's happening within. So it's like we are systematically training our children to become detached, disconnected from their bodies so that they can actually deliver what's required of them. And then to the point that schools reward attendance, like it's not okay to take time to be, you know, to be unwell, time to heal, time to grieve. The messaging that we've got to just suck it up and carry on and get on with it is it's, it's, it's, it's ubiquitous, isn't it?

It's, it's everywhere. And then zoom out even further. We've got the good girl conditioning, selfless mother, the hysterical woman. No wonder. No wonder it's hard. Yeah, exactly. No wonder. No wonder.

So it's countercultural, really. to respect your need for rest, respect your needs, full stop. But yet, at the same time, how can we exist healthily as a culture if we're overlooking them? I mean, we're not existing healthily as a culture, are we? Really? Burned out, anxious, not being kind to ourselves and therefore not really being kind to one another because we don't have compassion.

We don't, I mean, we just run out of it really, don't we? we're so burnt out. Oh, it's deep. It's big stuff, but we can change. We can change it and we can challenge it. So you're saying that ask yourself, where has this messaging come from that I am not deserving of these things? And often we can see. So therefore, it begs the question, is that true? Am I not deserving of those things? It starts putting cracks, doesn't it, through our narrative? So then what? If we're, if we can acknowledge that actually do you know what this isn't this isn't necessarily true I know that I need these things I know that I'm deserving of them as deserving as the

people that I care from the people that I love the people that I nurture so how then can I actually start listening to that within myself how can I return to that within myself what would you say? I'd say let's make the distinction between selfish and self-advocacy. And I think this is really important. Yeah. So, I mean, we all know what selfish is. It's being excessively concerned with yourself or concentrating on yourself, your own advantage without regard for others. Nobody wants to be selfish. We know that the damage that that does. So relationships, to families, to communities, yeah. But let's look at self-advocacy and how that differs. So self-advocacy is our ability to speak up on our behalf to represent ourselves, to be able to

communicate our needs to other people, okay? And I would invite people in those moments where you think, oh my God, I feel so selfish. Can we make a distinction between selfish, putting your needs above others and self-advocacy, which is just meeting your own human needs as well. And I think for people who feel a sense of, I want to be selfless because that's an expression of kindness. It's an expression of love, care, generosity. We don't want to change that. You know, it's not about being less loving. It's about expanding that love to allow yourself to be included in it as well. So I think it's a fuller expression of that value, not a compromise of that value. Wow. So self-advocacy, not selfishness. That's such a powerful reframe. I think there is such

a negative connotation around the word selfishness, isn't it? I think we've probably all been hurt at some point by someone else's selfishness. And there can be a real fear, especially with the recovering people pleases amongst us, of inflicting that on other people. But as you're saying, it's about including yourself as you give out, including just acknowledging maybe what resources you have or where your boundaries are and what is healthy and what you have to give. And sometimes there is sacrifice in relationship, isn't it? Sometimes we do give something we haven't got because we love that person.

and yeah I love that selfishness and self-advocacy thank you so what are some of your ways to be a little bit more self-advocating so think about someone that is yeah just being a bit frazzled would has identified the fact that you know this narrative it's actually an external narrative this is a cultural narrative I dare to believe that I'm deserving of a little bit more slowness a little bit more care in my life But actually I've overlooked that need for so long, I don't even really know what I need anymore. Where would you start? Oh, that strikes such a deep core, doesn't it?

Because, you know, we really have been silenced. And I would also say that we've become quite skilled in silencing ourselves to the point where sometimes we actually don't know where we're at. We feel lost. But we're not lost. We can never lose ourselves. You know, this is an invitation to come home. home to self. And I think a really simple starting point is literally coming home to the body

because I think we get so caught up in what's happening from the neck up, right? So even just a simple gesture of rub your hands together to create a little bit of warmth. And then with tenderness, with care, just place your hands on your heart. Feel one hand on top of the other. Feel the other hand against your heart. Feel the beating of your heart. Feel the warmth of your skin. And just take a moment to connect with yourself and allow yourself to feel an awareness of self. There is no shame in connecting with self. Yeah? And from this place of self-awareness, then we can come to some of the healthy expressions of

self-attuned to, you know, we don't want to be self-centered, we don't want to be self-indulgent, but let's offer up some alternatives. can we be self-respecting? Can we offer ourselves a little self-acceptance? Can there be some healthy self-honouring, some self-expression? And here, this lays the foundation for self-advocacy, doesn't it? Being able to speak our needs. We've got to connect first before we can actually say out loud what it is that we need

and give ourselves permission to do that. Yeah. Wow. So it's so grounding, isn't it? just thinking of some of those terms, you know, the fear of being a burden, the fear of being too much. And actually, it's just about, you're saying here, it's about respect. It's about honoring yourself. It's about authenticity and about stepping out, you're using your voice and knowing that not everyone's going to get or understand you'll respond in the way that you need,

but actually this is, it's a way of, yeah, just returning. Returning to you. And the world, the world needs us to be us as well our family our friends they need us to be us so we're honoring those relationships and those connections and how much more richly can we have those and experience those and we are coming turning up as us that's right and when we are more truly more fully who we are that's actually when we can have open and honest conversation that's when we can connect in a meaningful way. You said it's authenticity without self-honoring. How can we act with integrity?

Yeah, so it's not just, you know, for our health. It's for the health of our relationships and the health of future generations. That's so gently empowering. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. So, yeah, I encourage everyone to think of ways that you can return to yourself. So think of ways that you can respect and honor who you are within what you're doing rather than just constantly giving out as a way of almost affirming your existence.

And actually you in and of yourself, you deserve to, you're enough. You have a right to be here, to receive, to enjoy connection and relationship without constantly giving yourself away. I always say we need, we need energy to laugh. I don't find anything funny when I'm frazzled. So to enjoy life, we need to come back to ourselves. So thank you, Susie. So much for your wisdom today.

I would love to finish off by asking you a quickfire question. I see you walking a lot on Instagram. So I know you love to walk. So this can't be one of your answers to this question. What is something that makes you feel really good? I think you do. Okay. Yeah, movement, absolutely.

I'm not allowed to use that one. No, sorry. I know that one. I'd say kind gestures of touch. Yeah? Because for people that say, I just haven't got time, I can't do it,

I haven't got headspace, this is the thing. You know, it's that hands-on heart. It's tenderly cradling your chin and your hands. You can never lose yourself in that sense, right? It's, that's it for me.

And it gives us that glorious release of oxytocin. So, like, we literally can't get in the way of it. right we can't so yeah like little mothering moments i love that those little like tender moments of connection yes at touch that you you know that i often give the kids just being able to turn that towards yourself and thank you and i encourage everyone to go and check out susie's books definitely follow on instagram if you are not because there is something very powerful about

this kind of gentle drip feeding of just yeah the advocacy of self care and self-honouring that actually starts to really like shift the dial. And you've been so powerful in that for me. So I don't doubt that you all have done the same for tens of thousands and thousands of people, Susie. So thank you for everything that you bring to us and for your wisdom today. Thank you Anna. You spur me on. You lift me up and I can't see what I can't wait to see what we can create together. Yeah, it's a co-creation. Thank you, darling. so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and

courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing. They are all on my website, anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.