The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Tobi Asare on never trying to go it alone

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

On this episode of The Therapy Edit Anna chats with Tobi Asare, founder of My Bump Pay.As an expert speaker on the topic of balancing motherhood and work, Tobi's One Thing is that mothers shouldn't attempt to meet the juggle of being a working parent alone. After studying Law at the University of Manchester and the BPP Law School in London, Tobi spent over 10 years working with talented entrepreneurs who’ve built seriously impressive businesses. She was at the heart of developing and leading client service teams, whilst managing commercial relationships within large investment and corporate companies. Tobi is now a Director on board of one the UK’s largest media companies running the business development, Marketing and PR division.Having been the first in her office location to go through the maternity process, Tobi went on a steep learning curve and became fascinated by how mums to be and mums go on to build successful careers amidst the barriers that surround working mothers.This soon became Tobi’s passion as she was navigating this journey to help other mums and soon to be mums create an lasting and positive impact in the workplace. Giving them the tools to smash the glass ceiling with a baby on the way and beyond.Tobi was inspired to create a platform to help give women the confidence to achieve their career goals and take them through their career journey overcoming the motherhood penalty – My Bump Pay was launched. You can visit My Bump Pay here https://mybumppay.comAnd follow Tobi on Instagram at @mybumppay

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of the Therapy Edit. it. And I have with me today, Toby Asare, she is on Instagram as my bump pay and I followed her for quite a while. And I love the fact that she is so passionate about empowering and supporting

women going into maternity leave and out of the workplace temporarily and also preparing them for returning. And those big questions around how? How can we achieve career goals when so much has changed at home? How can we navigate that shift? And she is amazing. at supporting us in that. So after studying law, Toby spent 10 years helping entrepreneurs build their businesses. And now she herself is a director for one of the UK's largest media companies. After having her baby, she went on this really steep learning curve and learnt so much about the challenges of going through the maternity process. And that is why she is so passionate about supporting moms in finding that confidence to achieve their career goals as moms. She has

lots of tools on her website. If you go to her Instagram, you'll find everything flagged from there. And she's currently working on expanding these tools to make them really widely accessible. So you can watch out for some news there, which is really exciting. She's got masterclasses that happen every month all about kind of nailing that return to work after having a baby and some for those that are preparing to step into that stage of life. So Toby, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Good. Thank you. What an introduction. My goodness. I've got to live up to it now. So thank you. You do such a wonderful job, I think, of just bringing such clarity into these topics.

And just there's so many questions aren't there as we become mums. And we've been used to being things, haven't we, in our careers and our workspace? And then it's undoubted, you know, having a baby undoubtedly kind of throws a bit of a curveball into that. Absolutely. My goodness. What a careful. Or what many curveballs it throws, right? and we're just trying to adapt and the climatise. And yeah, just trying to make it work as best as we possibly can. There is no perfect solution. That's so true. It's so true.

So Toby, the question that we ask all the mums on this podcast is, if you could share one thing, what would that be? My one thing would be to say that you can't be working parent and do everything alone. I think so much of what you talk about, Anna, is how motherhood is actually really hard and that transition is then really hard. And then once you then lay on top of that, you know, a transition back into work or a career

or a transition into running your own business and all those different layers of transition, you can't possibly navigate that all alone. And I really, really encourage moms and parents to get help and to get support. And that support could be from a grandparent. It could be from a sister. It could be pay childcare, it could be a neighbour, it could be just going for a walk with a friend

or talking on the phone to a friend and expressing and sharing how you feel and talking on this journey. It doesn't always have to be kind of that physical day-to-day support. But as long as you know that the journey is not meant to be done alone, it's hard to do it alone. And absolutely the right thing to do is to do that journey with others and is to ask for help when you need help. And asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. If any, is actually saying, do you know what? It takes many people, many hands, many brains, many different forms of support to actually raise this child and to go on this journey of maybe working and kind of building a career or building a business. And actually, people like to be asked to help

as well. So don't negate that you probably have people around you that are kind of itching at the bit to support you and make sure that you're happy and then make sure that you thrive and everything that you're doing in terms of working life and parenthood. So yes, my big kind of cry is don't do it alone. Yeah, that's it's so true, isn't it? And I think even in my experience, having a support network around me, I found it really hard to take that step in actually asking for it or enabling people and enabling people to kind of step in and help me. And how did you find that then, knowing, knowing how important it is to have, to have that support network or to seek those, you know, to lean on people, even if it's just, you know, having a rant on the phone about the struggle

with the juggle or letting a grandparent step in when it might feel hard to let them do that for some reason. How was that, was that something you did kind of right from the off or has that been a journey for you? It's definitely been a journey. But I would say it's something that's kind of started right at the beginning with my mum, basically moving in for two weeks when we had my first son. And the moment where she said that, right, that's it, I'm going to go now, I'm going to go back to my house. I stopped and floods of tears streamed down my face because that was the moment that I realized, hang on a minute, I actually need you. I need you here to kind to continue that supportive journey. And so she actually stayed one more night. And in that night,

it was almost like a coaching session. It's like, right, you know, I've set you up. to do all of these things. You can absolutely do these things. I'm not far. I'm only a phone call away. You still have me when you need me. It's just that I won't be physically present every single day. So I think it started quite early on. And I think, you know, each phase or each different iteration of life, I think I've realized that I actually need support. And the pandemic was a really interesting time where all of a sudden that support was taking away. And I found it desperately difficult. And I think I learned in that moment, I'm somebody that needs my I need my village, I need my parents, I need my friends, you know, and that kind of technology

was a great enabler, but it wasn't enough for me. And I think every change that my life has taken, I've sat down to reassess, okay, this is the support that I need, this is the support that we need as a family to function. So it's a critical part of my journey, even if sometimes it's just a family board with a friend or a mentor in terms of my career to kind of, walk through and talk through all the different things that are kind of coming up that I need to kind of unpack. That's me. I just feel like I need people at various different steps of the way. And hopefully I do that to others as well. Yeah, I think having been someone who has kind of self-sufficiency as being such a coping mechanism for me, it was a really humbling thing to get to really low

points in my journey of motherhood where I realized that, you know, I needed, you know, in bold old capital letters. I needed people. And that was because I was human. It wasn't because I was failing and I wasn't enough because I'm only one person. And I think, you know, for those listening, sometimes there are two questions that come out of this. One is that I find it really, I find it impossible to let people help me because I worry about being a burden. And then the second is those who might be listening and feeling, you know, but Anna and Toby, I literally don't have anywhere to turn. I don't have a support network. I'm alone or I'm single or I'm a single mom or I don't have family locally or I don't really have friends or I find it hard to make friends.

So what kind of things might you say to those, speak into those situations? Yeah, it's not easy, I would say. And I think sometimes you kind of got to take a little bit of a step and sometimes put yourself out there. I've found that sometimes in some situations I don't necessarily want to put myself out there, especially if they're new situations and say, actually, I'm new here. I probably need somebody to kind of help me guide through and navigate this situation. But I'd say places like nursery, if your child does go to nursery or the school gate or the school WhatsApp group can be a great place to find connection, sometimes just being a little bit vulnerable and saying, hi, I'm new to this situation. I'd love to chat to anyone who perhaps

maybe in the same shoes as myself or is anyone up for a coffee or is anyone up for a walk or is anyone up for a play date? Sometimes doing it through your children can actually be a real enabler or eye opener. And I think actually people are really open to this whole idea of connection. I'm on an app called Next Door and I've seen lots of people now actually saying hi, I'm new to the area. I've got a son or I've got a daughter. You know, love to meet some new parents in this particular area as well. So sometimes it takes a little bit of courage and a little bit of vulnerability just to open up and see what comes back. That app sounds brilliant. And I think there were definitely times even when I did know that there were people in my life that I could

speak to that I actually found it so much easier to type things out online to strangers, which kind of helped me, you know, they were, they were so kind to me. And it almost then gave me the confidence to start talking to people in my life. But I love the sound of that app because sometimes it is maybe easier to take that step of vulnerability on digitally, kind of typing it out than it is to kind of go up to someone and say, hi, I'm new here. So that's such a good idea. I love that. And, you know, what would you say then to those that feel like they are new into a situation and do perhaps feel that bit of social anxiety. Do you think it is, I think you're right about those, you know,

using our children sometimes as a bit of a, as a bit of a way in. And have you, have you grown connections in that way? Yeah, I'm trying, I'm trying to. It's quite, it's quite interesting. I think I probably feel a little bit more comfortable doing it in like a more of a corporate environment. I think maybe it's just my nature and kind of connecting with people. and that's always kind of a bit of a part of my career.

And actually with my children, I've actually had to force myself to, you know, say to a couple of mums at preschool, like, let's do dinner. It's not something I would kind of naturally feel like I should do. But actually I've realized, you know, my children are also going to be in this journey of kind of making new relationships, establishing new friendships.

And so I feel like I need to also help them do that. And by kind of taking that step to kind of say, hey let's, you know, do dinner or do drinks. I'm going on that journey with them and also I'm building a new layer of support and network that I know that I'm going to need as my son transitions into school because that's a whole new ballgame I hear.

So, yes, on both sides, kind of professionally and personally, I'm kind of trying to kind of make those networks in kind of new situations, but especially as my son transitions into school. Yeah, that is such a transition again, isn't it? There are so many in motherhood, aren't there? and we do need, you know, even when I'm added to another WhatsApp group, there's a part of me that thinks, oh my gosh, yet another one of, you know, it is these little conversations that might come out of, you know, oh, one of my kids keeps mentioning your child's name. Should we set, should we set up a play date? And just I guess not putting too much pressure on those chance, you know, those little meetings and thinking that something has to come out of it. But just because then I think we can then, you know, that anxiety can increase when we put more pressure on. But I think, you know, one of the other things that you're talking about was

was getting to that place where you realized that you needed other people. Why do you think us moms often can slip into that? I'm fine. I need to be doing this on my own. I need to be juggling all these balls. I don't need, you know, I don't need to ask anyone to help me. Why do you think we find ourselves so often in that, in that place that we have to kind of push through? So I ask myself this very, very often.

And sometimes I think it is because I don't know if it's because we are trained from a very young age that as a woman, you are there to serve and to help and to be at the beck and call of others and to nurture and to be this mothering figure. I don't know if that's because, yeah, we've been shown that image of womanhood and that image of motherhood. And therefore, when you kind of get to that stage and you realize, my goodness, this is actually really hard. sometimes you push because you feel like I should be able to, you know, do everything at home and I should be able to do everything for my children and I should be able to, you know, have this career and kind of be this girl boss or whatever. But in reality, those women who maybe appear like they're doing it all or they have it all have tons of support.

And I don't think we're honest enough about how much support it actually takes to, you know, have children, have your career, have friendships, have a relationship, have a social life, have some kind of health and fitness schedule. It really takes a village not only to raise a child, but I think to raise a mother and to raise a woman. And I think we should be talking about that a lot more. Yeah, that's so right. Being honest about the support network that sits around what you do, because I often get people saying, you know, how on earth do you write these books and with these kids? And I say, you know, I have childcare in the home twice a week. And I can be, I think as moms are pretty efficient when we have kid free time on me. I can cram a heck of a lot into that time.

But I think you're right, it's that kind of illusion that when we don't talk about the support network around us, it's feeding that, you know, we can, we can have it all and do it all. And I think sometimes the cost for me has been quite hidden. So people might see everything that comes out, but actually, you know, sometimes when I haven't had the right support network or I've not had the right balance with things, the cost is the fact that I just have not got the energy to talk to my husband. The cost is that I'm exhausted, so I'm snappy with my kids. The cost is that I'm so irritable on a Sunday afternoon at the thought of another week that I'm crying on the kitchen floor, you know, and I think it's both, isn't it? When the support network isn't seen

and the cost isn't seen, then it kind of like perpetuates this fantasy that we can have it all. Absolutely. I mean, you just hit it on the head. It's people not seeing that cost that makes people feel like actually what you can see is truly achievable

with no cost, if that makes sense. Like all the costs that you've just talked about I can highly relate to. Like nobody sees me when I've done a really, full on day of work shouting and screaming at the kids to get to bed because in the back of my mind I'm thinking, oh my goodness, I've still got how many X hours of work to do? So you all need to get to bed really, really quickly because I'm really, really stressed. And yeah, no one, no one sees that. No one sees, you know, kind of, you know, I'm pushing out to kind of get this

content done because I really want to help as many women as possible. But in deep down inside, sometimes I'm kind of feeling the pressure and I'm feeling the stress and I'm feeling exactly what I'm talking about as I'm trying to tell others, you know, and help and guide others and mental and kind of give others the wisdom that they need. I'm also talking to myself and nobody sees that the journey that it takes for me to kind of get to that place to kind of give it out to to others. Yeah, no one no one sees all of that and it as you're in you're right it it's a cost. It's a really big cost. It's a cost that we we choose. that I've chosen for sure because I see that there's a huge benefit at the end of it but nonetheless

the cost is immense yeah thank you so much Toby I have some quick five questions for you to finish off so I'd love to know what a motherhood high is for you oh a motherhood high is oh my goodness I think it's just picking up my kids when I get the chance to and they run out and they just give me the biggest cuddle and the biggest hug and they're like mommy That gives me the biggest motherhood high. I love that. And a motherhood low. Motherhood low.

I would say there was a time that I took my son to get his hair cut. And I did it after preschool thinking I could fit it all in. And then I thought, oh, God, you know, it's getting late for their dinner. So I took them to a restaurant on the high street. And it was not a child-friendly restaurant. And my daughter said, mommy, mommy, mommy. Before I knew it, I looked down. And my dress was wet.

She had weed on my lap. She had weed on the floor. And I was thinking, oh my goodness, like, what do I do? Like, do I tell them that she's weed on the floor? And then in the end, I just kind of got some tissues wiped it up. And I left a really nice tip on the table and I ran out. And I ran away. And I ran away.

The wetress. That was definitely a motherhood life. Oh, no. All those moments. We all have moments like that. And what's one thing that makes you feel good? Anything. The one thing that makes me feel good is just seeing friends, like a good dinner.

that, you know, you kind of forget the time and you're just chatting away and you're stopping stories and you're laughing and you're encouraging each other. That just makes me feel incredible. So therapeutic, isn't it? I like that when you kind of lose track of time and you just feel like you can completely be yourself, don't you? So finally, how do you describe motherhood in three words? Oh, it's a crazy, beautiful roller coaster. That was speedy. Well done. Yeah. No thinking there. You knew the answer. You knew the answer. So thank you so much, Toby. And anything else that you'd like to share as to where people who have been listening to this podcast and might be thinking, oh man, you know, I'm going through this process. I'm about to go back to work or I went back to work a few years ago and I've still just not navigated the juggle. It's still a struggle. So where can people go to find support from you? Thank you, Anna. So Instagram is probably the easiest place and it's just at my bump pay. And then the website is also my bump pay.com. Amazing. And that's where you've got all the information about your masterclasses and just to remind of people to hold on tight because there's something coming up, which is really exciting. We can't talk about it.

But thank you so much, Toby, for all of your wisdom and your insight and the compassion and the passion that you have for us as we navigate this journey. Oh, thank you so, my down. It's been happy. It's absolutely pleasure to do this. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother,

Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front of the book. back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.