The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Vicky Pattison on growing confidence

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

Is that mindless scroll through your Instagram feed really a good idea? Does it feed your soul or could it be doing more harm than good? In this guest episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats with the inimitable Vicky Pattison - TV personality, Jungle Queen, Celeb Masterchef finalist, charity ambassador, podcaster and author - about the dangers of comparing ourselves to others, the role that social media plays in this and how we can break free from the comparison trap in order to protect our mental health.Vicky brings brilliant humour and refreshing honesty to this episode - we hope you enjoy!Buy Vicky's Sunday Times bestselling book 'The Secret to Happy' hereFollow Vicky on Instagram hereCheck out Vicky's 'The Secret To...' podcast here

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three, and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Hi, everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit. I am so excited. I feel like I'm chatting to a friend today.

I have got Vicki Patterson on with me. Now, I've been researching a little bit about Vicki. And honestly, if I was to go through, all of it, don't worry about it. If I was to go through everything that she had done is amazing, it would honestly take the whole podcast. I'm going to do a little highlight, highlight real here. Queen of the Jungle, Celebrity Master Chef Finelist, still loves cooking, by the way, I asked her. She's presented shows on MTV, ITV, Channel 5. She's a supporter of so, many charities and an ambassador for Copperfield and Alzheimer's Society, amongst many others. She has a podcast The Secret to, which I was absolutely honored to be a guest on. She interviews lots and lots of different people, just kind of digging into their lives and getting, you know, what's the secret to their happiness? What's the secret to the things that equip them and bring them joy? She has published six books with the most recent being The Secret to Happy, where she opens up about her darkest moment sharing the lessons she's learned along the way. I have loved dipping into this.

Every page I just I just want to keep going. It's really hard to put down. Just incredibly honest as Vicki is so passionate about authenticity. She is refreshingly honest in the hopes that others will feel supported and empowered. And she shares everything from the roller coaster of hormones, her relationship with her body and kind of relationship challenges. She's got a brilliant sense of humor and all her words and videos have us either laughing or just wildly nodding along. So, Vicki, there's a very top, top line of all the many things that you've done. But thank you for joining me. You're so kind. Honestly, that was such a lovely welcome. Thank you very much. And I'm really excited about today. I'm so, I'm so excited. But tell me how, how you are?

You're so busy. So you've got your sat down for a few minutes, which I'm imagining is quite the but how are you today do you know what miss like you've just praised me authenticity so I'm going to continue in that vein I'm fucking shattered I'm so tired I just got back from Sicily

last night and it was lovely we did a shoot out there working on a new campaign and it's fantastic but it was like three four am start in a row and you know travel and takes out you as well and not that I'm being on grateful but it was absolutely freezing you think of Sicily you think of yeah man you think like the

white lotus you think which actually we shot in one of those locations it was so great I know of us too were big fans in this house so I've just come back and I feel like I've been hit by a bus a little bit I'm tired and I'm achy but I'm happy to be back with me boys yeah picked up the lads last night max in my loan that was great absolutely I would love to ask you of all the things that you know you've kind of gleaned so much insight from all of the different guests that you've had on your podcast and you've got so much wisdom in your book that I'm just kind of inhaling as I read it. But I would love to hear what the one thing that you would like to share with all the mum's listening would be. Oh, God, honestly, that's such a big question. And I bet you've had

some absolutely amazing ones. I hope I don't disappoint. But I feel like, particularly for me, what I really struggle with is comparison culture. and I think it's the rise of the popularity of social media has definitely played a huge role in that we're exposed to far much more like back in the day it used to just be keeping up with the Joneses didn't it like if your neighbours get a new car you start like nudging your fella like we should fucking get a new car

you know Jeff like it used to just be that but now it's it's not we're exposed to people all over the planet like every single second of the day and you can consume that content a million miles an hour And it depends what you're looking at, you know, like, are you watching gorgeous unlikely friendships between a German shepherd and a duckling? Is it feeding your soul? Or are you looking at women and going, I don't look like that in a bikini anymore? Why don't I look like that in a bikini anymore? You know, so that's where I'm at and what I'm sort of struggling with at the moment. So I truly believe comparison is the thief of joy. And if you are constantly comparing yourself to other, as worrying about what you don't have, stressing about the things you can't control, then you're never going to be happy.

You're never going to be grateful for the amazing blessings you have got in your life, you know? Like, yes, I might not have kids yet, okay? Sorry. Oh, my darling. Every time I say that out loud, like it doesn't become an easy, I think, say. Yeah.

but I have got two amazing dogs that bring me so much happiness, you know? And I've got an amazing fella who's supporting me decisions and I've got a lovely house, like a roof over my head, and a job I like, and I've got breath in my lungs.

So if I was to just sit every day and worry about the things that I don't have that other people do, whether it's babies, or whether it's a job I wanted and I didn't get, or whether it's something else, you know, the perfect body, for example, whatever that looks like, then I'd never be happy. And I suppose, I did this post the other day, Anna,

and it really resonated with me and seemed to get quite a nice response. So I just read it to you. It is in a society that has you count money, pounds, calories and steps, but you're rebel and count your blessings instead. And like, I just think, think you've got to do that you've got to take yourself away from social media from glossy magazines even the mums at the school gate sometimes and actually just be grateful for what you've got and yeah that that's so simple but actually like it does me it grounds me when i think

you know you've got a lot to be fucking grateful for vicky and um i do i do think we could all do some with a bit of that sometimes just count more blessings rather than the things we haven't got you're so right i love the little phrase you know kind of gratitude turns what we have now into enough and i think you can turn that on on its head and think comparison turns what you have now into not enough it does that is mate and like if you're constantly comparing it's never going to feel like you've got enough, because there's always going to be someone who's got more, whether it's more kids, whether it's more money, whether it's more holidays, whether it's like a supposedly better bod in a bikini, whether it's more Instagram followers, whatever it is,

that's your bug bear, you know? You're never going to feel like enough if you're comparing yourself to someone else. So just stop and focus on all your good things, because I bet you've got loads when you look at it. Yeah, put the blinkers on. Put the blinkers on because you're right. are we're just given we're just shown so much more than we ever would have been shown before and what you know someone who spends a lot of time on the gram like me who spends a lot of time you know in that space where there is just so much coming at you how how do you protect yourself from that from that feeling like do you find yourself going there and then you have to pull yourself back do you find it sometimes harder than others what do you do to kind of put those blinks on a

little bit. So first of all, like definitely like sometimes it's worse than others. And I read somewhere when you're happy and when you're in a good place and when you're in like a positive mindset, like you post. You go like out of the dogs today or like you go, just had a lovely meal with me fella or like you're like, can't wait for me next. You post because you're happy and upbeat and you want to share this positivity with people. But when you're feeling slightly low or sad, you do scroll and it's so true because you're searching for a dopamine hit aren't you but when you're in that space it doesn't come all you do is scroll further and further and feel worse about yourself it's verges on a kind of self-harm you know so like know yourself and when I am down you know whether it's

that week before your period or either like you're missing your mom or you've had a shit day at work whatever it is right kids are driving your mental and you just want to lock your soul in a cupboard with a glass of wine like I get it like whatever whatever it is that

that's the times when you shouldn't feed oh it's hard isn't it it's like the pool it's like escapism and you're right it just whatever we're feeling it just takes us deeper

into that feeling and it exacerbates it totally sabotage and when we're stressed and we want to escape we go to the busiest place in the universe a more than to herself.

You know, one second you might be seeing something really wonderful and comforting. And the next second, you're seeing something that could be quite traumatic for you. So your heart and your brain literally, it's like pot luck, bad luck. You don't know what emotional state you're going to be pulled into next. You've got no control. No control. And like exactly, we were saying that. Like even though you think, oh, I've got, I follow the people I like.

I follow positive content, blah, blah, blah, blah. like Instagram's a tricky tricky little bugger now like it shows you whatever it thinks you'll want to say or whatever it whatever it wants you know it can push things on you and one minute you can just be looking at like

your mates Ben's christening pictures which is lush but the next second you could be saying darker things you know illness devastation natural disaster animal cruelty and if you're a highly sensitive person like I am these things can completely drag

you further into that hole and exacerbate an already difficult mind, like a difficult place to be in your mind. So I just think digital detoxes, I advocate for them regularly, proper ones. But when you know you're down, like just take a bit of a step back. Do things that you know are actually good for your mental health. So I like shows that are familiar. That's what ticks my boxes when I'm low. You know, so your friends, your Brooklyn 99, your modern families, Whatever it is, you know, they're going to wrap up neatly in a cute little happy parcel in half an hour and nobody gets hurt and no dogs die.

Like, that's what I need. Yeah, that's what it's that predictability, that familiarity. It's like that, it's like, yeah, the TV equivalent of, you know, a Sunday roast or a hug. Yeah, or something great. It's like a hug on TV, so just get to that. I'll get your favourite book or like, I know there'll be millions of people who don't advocate for what I'm fucking about to say,

but I really don't care. chocolate, just eat it, have the glass of wine, like have a cry to your mom or your sister, like do whatever it is you know is actually going to provide you with real peace rather than something that's going to make your anxiety worse with its unpredictability, you know, which is what social media is. You take in your fucking mood in your hands when you go on there. Yeah, I'm throwing against the wall. I know. So there are so many other ways maybe then to if you find yourself in that place of comparison, think, what is it that I'm looking to achieve? Is it, am I looking to achieve validation? Am I hoping that I'm going to find something in my

comparison spree that actually reminds me that I'm a good person? Because ultimately you're not going to find it there. Are you looking for comfort and escape? How else might you get that sense of comfort and escape? And I think, you know, your tears really made me think about how sometimes in these feelings of I'm comparing my situation to someone else is. we feel those, that feeling, a really valid feeling of grief that can come with the fact that perhaps maybe we're yearning for what someone else has in that image. Maybe we've lost it and that's painful or maybe, you know, there's a part of us that is sad that things didn't turn out in a certain way and there's a, you know, there's a grief attached to all of these things that is actually really

healthy and there's a place for it. But when we're comparing, we're not allowing that, that grief for those emotions to exist in a healthy way. They're almost, you know, we're looking for things to kind of really prod, really prod, say actually I'm not enough. It's not that I'm sad. It's not that actually I'm allowed to feel sad that I don't have that in my life, perhaps. It's that I'm saying I don't, I'm not enough because I am not living that life. And those things that, those things are totally different, aren't they?

Yeah. You're so right, babe, like I failed somehow. Yes, that's it. And like, if you're in a good place and you spot something, you know, like maybe your friends decided to have another baby or maybe's like your friend's having a job change or something or whatever it is, you know, maybe this celebrity's trying a new workout. If you're in a good place and you say those things, you can look at it with a really measured set of eyes, you know, and you could be like, oh, God, how I try that workout? It looks absolutely class. Or you could be like, oh my God, another baby. That's fast.

Good for her, but I don't think it's for me. You know, you can be that like best version of you and you can make like a measured judgment. But if you're looking at it when you've got those comparison goggles on, it can just drive you insane. And it does like I've been there. I've sat and cried on social media because I don't have things that other people have. and it's crazy

because I have plenty of things that make me really happy I don't need to be doing everything everyone else is to be a happy well-rounded adult but social media can make you feel like that so I would advise

when you're already feeling like a little bit anxious or a little bit low to just stay away from it if you can I know it's hard stay away you know

like just read a nice book have a nice bath go for a walk watch a good show the don't all have to be like mega holes and things you can eat chocolate and watch the telly that can be nice as well yeah absolutely so maybe in that what you're saying is that there's sometimes we can have this like good comparison we can see something that someone else is doing that we're not we might think actually i might like to try that yeah that's quite fun or or they've got that job and that's what i've always wanted to

do maybe there are steps that i can take towards it maybe there is something in that for me and then this kind of negative side of comparison where we're seeing people have things that we don't. And we're making these vast statements about ourselves. Like, I'm, I'm a failure. I'm not enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm not working hard enough. And these huge kind of statements about who we are that are much more shaming. Yeah. And, and much more kind of critical to us, not just noticing difference, but saying that actually there's something wrong with us because of that difference. It's really different, isn't it? So different. And I think how you consume that content, it all just depends on

the place you're in mentally when you do it, you know. So it's a bit of a minefield and you've got to know yourself. You've got to know when those feelings are bubbling up, you know, to know whether it's a good time to be on social media or not. I'm 35. Think about what glasses you wear in and what glasses you have you in it through. Definitely. Like we should all be sort of starting to know ourselves in, you know, 30s and that.

It's tough to get there, but I am definitely sort of there now. And I can feel those feelings creeping in. I know when going on social media is not a good idea for me. Meena can sometimes look at each other and be like, that is enough internet for today. Because I can hear him be. He'll go to me like, have you seen how much money he made off that? Or have you seen like, and this sounds really vapid.

I'm sorry to anybody out there who are potentially offended by this. But this is how it gets you, you know? You know, it'll be like, have you seen how much money he made off that? Or I'll be like, did you say she got that job? Or I'll be like, God, they're on holiday again. And we'll both just look at each other and go, that's enough Instagram for today. like it's put it down step away yeah but i think that takes a level of self-insight because we we can

spend a lot of a lot of time in that place and then you're right suddenly what you've got it just doesn't seem enough when actually you know you're saying you've got amazing things put the blinkers on yes recognize where you know comparison encourages you to step up or step forward or reach for something that actually maybe you you can achieve and it's a really healthy goal to place and notice when actually it's just driving you deeper into a place of feeling not enough making statements about yourself kind of overlooking some of the precious privileges that you do have in your life so yeah wisdom amazing thank you so much but i've got some quick five questions to finish off okay hit me are you ready for me what's what's a high for

you at the moment um like in everyday life yeah or just in general um either all of it my highs in everyday life I always look forward to my meals I'm so greedy I mean your dogs eat better lunches than me

I mean your food the dog's food I'd like to come over for lunch I'll take the dog's lunch or your lunch either one will do they're so spoiled they're my princes

but yeah like I look forward every day I look forward to Maximoilo not all day every day sometimes it can be right little bastards but every day

I look forward to Maximo in some capacity in my life definitely And I love, I love my food in everyday life. So finally, finally, what's a, what's a low for you at the moment, a challenge for you at the moment? I'm struggling with balance in my life. And I always have. And I probably always will, actually, to a certain extent.

I'll get better. I'd like to think I'll get better. But I'll always, I'll always struggle. I feel like I have a. a bit of imposter syndrome and don't necessarily deserve, like, the lovely things that I've ended up having, you know? So I work really hard to, um, in some way, you know, I might not be the most talented person. I might not be the best looking or the cleverest. And I actually, probably a lot of people think I don't deserve the things I've got, you know, so to,

so offset that in some way, you best believe I'll. work the hardest and I'll be there first and I'll know everybody's name and I'll be polite and I'll be grateful. So like taking, doing all that, you know, never stopping, feeling like I'm consistently have to do everything that I get offered in a workspace. Like it, it leaves very little time for anything else. But then of course I want everything else, don't I? I want to have a tidy house and I want to have spoiled dogs and I want to have a healthy relationship with Urkan

and I just struggle to balance it all and it leaves very little time for me. There's definitely there's definitely a journey to be had there Malav. Anyway, the last question that I have for you is what's one little thing that you do at the moment that makes you feel good? Oh, other than

me bagels, which I clearly love I've been taking an hour for myself going to Pilar is. And it sounds so silly. Because actually like everyone's in time, like, her can't go and sits and has a poo twice a day for like 45 minutes each time. And like, he doesn't like feel they need to announce it. Like, oh, I'm having this 45 minutes to myself. Like he just goes off and I'm left to do with like, you know, everything else. Um, and I, I feel like I am taking an hour for myself. So like twice maybe, yeah, twice a week.

Good. But I'm like, but I'm like, and I need it good you do just go there and like it's it's the getting out of the house like I'd got into this routine of having a personal trainer

I'm very privileged you know very grateful come to the house because so I didn't have to be away from Maximilo so they didn't have to have an hour on their own

so I wouldn't miss a parcel or I wouldn't you know so I wouldn't have to have that 20 minutes either side of actually getting somewhere I could go straight back to work and it I realized

I'd got to I was like I haven't fucking left the house you've created your own lockdown. I've created my own, I'm the master of my own design and I've created this place where I'm like, beholden to the dogs, beholden to me work. And actually, it's not healthy. So now I'm going to like zero gravity. Um, about what I know, mate, honestly, reform. Is that suspended? Is that, oh, it's, yeah. Oh, amazing. Good. I'm glad. I'm glad you're

making that space for yourself. But yeah, it's a statement. It's a statement. And that is a statement against all of that that kind of imposter syndrome trying to earn the right to feel good about what you've done. Yeah. And like it's class. I just like, I take stock of my day. I just lie there and switch off.

I do sort of what she tells us. And I work out what I've done, what still needs to be done. You know, what I'm going to do at the weekend. And I have this like real hour for my own brain. Like, you know, where I'm not just completely dedicated to others. And it feels so, fucking good. Actually, it feels so indulgent. I'm sore for about three days afterwards, which I don't

love. But it reminds you that you did it. It reminds you that you took that space and that sense of indulgence or start ebbing away as you start realizing how much the rest of your life benefits from you taking that space for yourself. So thank you so much. It's been an absolute pleasure and I encourage everyone to go and grab the brand new, just out paperbook copy of the secret. happy and just enjoy reading more of Vick's story and all that she has kind of gained the insight that she's gained along the way. So thank you. We could chat forever. You're so welcome. Like that's how I feel. I feel like I'm just trying to like a lovely friend who's like also super insightful and clever. So thank you for having a Zana. You're the best. It's a it's an

absolute pleasure. Thank you. Thank you for listening to today's episode of the therapy edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Dave and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort. and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of

supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.