The Therapy Edit - One Thing with Zoe Blaskey on why motherhood is hard

Episode Date: May 6, 2022

In this episode of The Therapy Edit's One Thing, Anna chats to Zoe Blaskey, founder of Motherkind. Zoe's One Thing involves examining the reasons why many (most) Mums find motherhood hard so that we can find more gentleness and understanding for ourselves.Zoe is a qualified transformational and executive coach specialising in working with parents and the founder of Motherkind, a personal development platform for parents. Zoe has coached hundreds of parents of all backgrounds on how to navigate the huge challenges of modern parenthood. There is currently a year long waitlist to work with Zoe one on one. Zoe hosts The Motherkind Podcast which is the UK’s number one family podcast on iTunes and has been featured in Red, The Telegraph, Psychologies, Goop, SheerLuxe and Mother&Baby. Zoe has delivered talks and workshops to some of the UK's leading businesses including Clearscore, BT, Sky and BBC. She has two daughters, and lives with her husband Guy by the sea in Dorset.You can find out more about Motherkind at www.motherkind.coAnd you can follow Zoe on Instagram at @motherkind_zoe

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit with me, psychotherapist, mum of three and author Anna Martha. Every Friday, I invite one guest to tell me the one thing they would most like to share with mums everywhere. So join with me as we hear this dose of wisdom. I hope you enjoy it. Welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. I'm really excited about this episode today because, I am speaking to Zoe Blaskey. Zoe Blaskey is the founder of the Motherkind podcast, a podcast that I always head to, a podcast

that honestly, Zoe, your podcast and the conversations that you facilitate have changed my life and have heavily informed the way that I parent now, which is very different to how I expected to parent, very different to the books that I had on my shelves when I started parenting. So honestly, I am so grateful. I often feel emotional when I listen to your podcast, not just because of the topics, because I feel like it's an absolute privilege to be able to listen to the conversations that you're having for free. I think it is one of the best podcasts of one of the best gifts of the internet and yours is definitely, I'm so grateful for it. So welcome. Welcome to my podcast today. I've been on yours

twice along with, I mean, some of the names that you've had on your podcast. have informed so much. You've had Philippa Perry, you've had Glenn and Doyle, Nicole LaPera, Gabor Mate, and you bring the most amazing well-being teachers in the world, along with others who just have an important message or a heartfelt message to share with fellow moms. And I've done it. I've been on your podcast twice. I'm very honored to do so. So there we go. How are you, Zoe? I'm okay. I think like so many of us, I sort of feel like I'm living this. parallel life where I you know what's going on in the world and Ukraine is never far from my thoughts and yet I'm just sort of carrying on and there's a sort of weird guilt in a way associated

that I think like I'm just doing the school run and yet so aware that you know so many mothers in that part of the world are not doing that you know that they're freeing you know petrified for their lives and yet here I am you know thinking about what snack to take so it's such a strange duality and I'm just trying to hold myself through that. And I think also, you know, having a platform like we both do, there's also that sort of extra thing. It's like, what do my community need for me right now? Do I, what do I say? Do I say anything? You know, and that's, that's sort of, you know, I'm meditating and reflecting and thinking about that as well. So, yeah, that's how I am. Yeah, holding

two huge things in tandem, isn't it? The kind of the day to day and the mundane and the awareness of the absolute privilege that that is. Yeah, and the fear. The fear, like, is this, what does this mean? You know, holding that duality, you know,

that what does it mean for me? What could it mean for our family, for our country? And holding, you know, what does it mean for the millions of parents and mothers and other people I've never met whose lives are going to be shattered potentially. Yeah. And how do we let that empathy and that holding that in mind move us into action within the resources that we have available to us?

Yeah. I think lots of people listening that will resonate very, very deeply. And I think it's just affirming to hear it. It's just affirming to hear that from you that, you know, we're not alone in finding that quite a big thing to be holding in tandem yeah it's a lot and then and then potentially you know depending on the age of your children you're also having to do that containment job for them as well as ourselves you know it's just staggering to me sometimes you know how hard it is to be to be a parent and how much we have to to hold for ourselves and others yeah it's just it's just incredibly hard

sometimes isn't it it is it is and I've got a feeling your one thing that you want to share with us will really bring some more clarity into that or compassion into that. So what is that one thing today? It was really hard. I love, I love that it's like one thing because I think there's such a, there's such a depth, isn't there in having to be simple. It's much easier to be sort of verbose and complex and long. So I thought about this a lot. And I think the most pivotal moment that I've had, on the podcast is when Gabel Marte, Dr Gabon Marte, he's one of the leading thinkers in human development in the world, he said to me, this is the hardest time to be a mother since the Second

World War. And so my, you know, my one thing is that if you're finding it hard, it's because it is hard. There's nothing wrong with you. And when he said that to me, it unlocked so much compassion for myself because I think what we tend to do and what I tend to do is blame myself. There's something wrong with me that I'm finding this hard. I didn't until that moment look in enough depth of the societal structure that I was operating in as a mother. So when he explained to me and then I started to do all my own digging on this, like actually the way that we live as mothers and parents is really recent. Like it's only in the last 100 years or so that we live pretty much, you know, in nuclear families, isolated from proper community. And he said

that pre-pandemic even, you know, it's only in relatively recent years, a couple of generations that women and mothers have been afforded to the career opportunities that we do. But our structures societally and at home haven't caught up. So we're working. More mothers are working than ever before, but we're also still doing the same amount, typically, of invisible and emotional labour as we were when we weren't working as much. So it's almost like we've just taken on another full-time role. The average woman is work, average mother is working 20 hours on paid and unpaid work. We do 70% more invisible and emotional labour than our typically male partners. Now, obviously, that's a generalisation and every setup is different, but these are the sort of

headline stats. So I think when I got that context, I was like, wow. And then, and then the thing that really, really blows my mind is we're operating in that context. And what I hear, and I know you hear this too, from, you know, mothers across all sections of society and all setups is that we then put this pressure on ourselves. Massive pressure. I'm not doing it right. I need do more and we push ourselves and flog ourselves in the name of being a good mother and don't look after ourselves and then when we hit exhaustion and burnout we still blame ourselves so it's my fault I should have done more I should have you know whatever it was so I think it's just it's just my one thing is think about your role as a mother in the context of what we're operating in

and you know for sure we need massive changes with how the western world supports mothers you know in all areas but those changes are going to be really slow so in the meantime it's absolutely vital i think this is why your work's so powerful as well anna but it's absolutely vital that we look after ourselves and empower ourselves within that structure that we don't become part of the problem really of flogging ourselves, martying ourselves in the name of being a good mother, because it really suits a lot of society if we are doing all of that invisible labour and pushing ourselves to burn out. It's really, it's really convenient for certain areas of society. So we have to take that sort of really brave

and courageous step and think, no, you know, what can I do differently? What boundaries do I need? What if I treated myself like someone who was deserving of love and rest? You know, what if I thought about what am I modeling to my children about my worth? What if I thought about, you know, what is this perfectionism that's on me? Where is this need for me to operate in this way coming from? And how could I change that? Like really compassionate but curious questions about ourselves. Because I've seen it in my life and I've seen it in hundreds of people that I've worked with as well in my different coaching things that I do. It's just asking those questions can unlock, you know, small things that can totally change how we feel about ourselves as a mother.

You know, I really think we've got to get away from this martyrdom, this idea that we have to flog ourselves to be a good mother. Because in the context that I was just talking about, it's just totally enterbising to me that parental burnout is, you know, an all-time high. And I wish, and I wish, wish, wish, wish that we didn't have to do all that. I wish that. I wish that society was there supporting us, lifting us up, recognizing the work that we're doing and the importance of being a mother. But it's not there yet. So we have to do it for ourselves. Oh, this is just, yeah, it's like it's, it's quenching a thirst in me, I think. And I think it's that shift, isn't it, from, I was just picturing, you know, carrying a ton of

weights. So imagine, I don't know, the heaviest weights that we have in our little weight, weight rack in the garage downstairs you know but if i was to pick up the heaviest ones and would i then berate myself i'm weak for not being able to hold these i should have like i should have bigger muscles like just berating myself for what i am not but actually what is a difference when you then realize actually that that is i'm not weak that's just too much that's too much my capacity that's too much of a call on my capacity and and how much of a shift that is for me in those moments on those day in those weeks where, you know, it's so easy to criticise and berate ourselves and push ourselves and we must try harder then. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I'm

not ready enough. Maybe I'm not loving enough, maybe, and just then seeking to do more. But actually, this is your saying. It's the absolute opposite of just saying to yourself, it's hard because it is. It's not because you're failing. It's not because you're weak. It's because you're having a human response to the weight that you're carrying, you're having to carry, and then to let go the perfectionism or the drive that often sits on top of that as a whole other layer of heavy. Yeah, exactly. And it's sort of, you know, it goes even deeper this. And, you know, again, I learned this from some incredible people I've had on the podcast, is that when we're able to pick up those lighter weights, we tend to be able to come more present and connected with

ourselves, right? Because we're not straining. And then when we do that, we can do that with our children. And that's what our children need more than anything as presence and connection. That is the absolute foundation of, you know, their emotional development. So it's a win-win, really. When we're able to do that, then we're able to then give our children what they really need. But it takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage. And it takes a lot of courage. And it takes some introspection and it takes some healing work because, you know, we have to unpick some of the messages that, you know, I know I've had to pick a lot of messages about what I thought Good Mother was about, you know, my programming that was set up in me really young, you know, that told me

that my worth was based on my output and, you know, all sorts of strange things, ideas that I had that I've had to unravel and unpick alongside, you know, raising a young family. It's really hard, but it's really, it's really important and I think it's really worth it. I think it's, I think it just tips over that, you know, worth it scale to do it. And that, you know, that insight from Dr. Gabor Martin, I remember hearing it on your podcast. I remember the exact moment. I was in the car.

And I remember it feeling extra emotional that it was coming from a male for some reason. It was just that, that, it just felt like that extra recognition. And I just, yeah, it was memorable. There's something really fascinating. as well, Anna, because three of the, you know, a lot of these really big ideas have come from men. It's so, so Gabon Marta, you know, one of the leading thinkers in the world, Dr. Rick Hanson, who wrote of mother care, which is an incredible episode, an incredible book, and Dr. Oscar Scarolak, who came up with this idea of postnatal depletion. And it's just fascinating to me how a lot of the big,

not all, a lot of the big sort of seismic, shifts with how we view women have come out of male thinkers and teachers. And I don't know that's about, but it's, it's interesting to me. Yeah, it is. So that, you know, I know that that message really struck me in this message. It's just, I guess it's just affirming it even, even more so. And we need this reminder. We need this reminder in a world that says, if you can't do something, you've got to try harder. And actually you're saying the complete opposite. Dr. Gabor Matto saying the complete opposite is actually sometimes yeah sometimes we do need to resource ourselves more sometimes we do need to get some more tools and some more skills and but actually some of this weight that we

are carrying is heavy because it is heavy and yeah that's powerful it's a massive shift so thank you so you're welcome thank you so we thank you we always finish off with a few little quick fire questions so so what's a motherhood high for you How do I recently where Jessie, who's my six-year-old, who, you know, isn't the easiest to parent, and she came home with the Head Teachers Award, and she got it for her curiosity, determination, and kindness. And I dispersed into tears because I was so proud of her, but also because those are my three top values. And I've never taught her that. I've never said. This is what's important to me. but it just made me feel, yeah, blown away because I thought, gosh, some of that,

she's obviously seen me operating and some of that has rubbed off in how she's operating outside the world. I don't see a lot of those in the home, I've got to be honest with you. But when she's out in the world at school, they're obviously seeing that. And those three words are written on a poster above my desk. And it was like a real goosebump moment. I was like, whoa, like all this stuff that I've read, you know, about modern. and just being and less telling them who to be and what to do and just allowing us to inspire and be, I was like, whoa, it sort of works. Yeah, it was amazing. It was amazing. It was amazing. Yeah, yeah, because I've never said those words to her, really. I've never told her. I've never,

I've just tried to be them. Yeah. Yeah, it was, it was, it was, yeah, well, so it was, yeah, it was, it was, it was a real goose bump, you know, sob moment. I love that. Thank you for sharing that with this. And Zoe, what is a motherhood low for you? Oh, my God, there's so many. Isn't it interesting how I found it had like thousands for lows? Yeah. But I think I thought that a funny one was Rose, who's now two, was about three weeks.

And it was like one of our first times going out with both of them. And Jesse at the time, who had been about four. And we went to an eco cafe. we didn't clap in where we used to live and they had these like refillable pumps for your washer and yet and I was like oh I'm going to get one of those containers

and fill up the pump and I know so I left Jessie sat there with her cookie of milk wherever she was up to you and I took Rose over who was in the sling but because I was absolutely sleep deprived and three weeks postpartum I did the pump of the washing liquid

but I managed to spray it straight into her face Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! She was asleep. Oh, gosh. So none the wiser. But I have a really, my mind goes straight to catastrophe. So my mind went straight to, I've blinded the baby. I think mine would do. I've blinded the effing baby. What the hell? And I went into total panic. Jesse was sat there. I was like, do I go to A&E? What do I do? I'm trying to wipe her off, but I don't want to wake her up because I'm like, she's going to wake up with this stuff in her eye. Oh my gosh. Gosh, the quantity. It was an absolute nightmare. I can. heart is imagining that feeling yeah and just yeah really thinking that i blinded her what happened in the end was i called a doctor friend who's like don't worry it's eco it's like it's not going to have that much nasty in it just rinse off as good as you can and you know she'll be fine and if she's crying loads and her eyes are red coat training yeah she was fine she was totally fine yeah that was it that was a definite lo-mo we relate and so what's one thing that makes you feel good

Something that I'm, oh, loads, actually. I've just moved to the sea and getting in that cold water, mad as it sounds, makes me feel good. It just forces me to be utterly present that I struggle with in most other areas, to be honest. I have a very busy head. So, yeah, getting in that icy cold sea, I'm like right there. I can't think about anything else. Oh, I love that. Yeah.

And how would you describe motherhood in three words? Well, I thought I'd be a bit of an overachiever and do it in one, which, isn't my words, but the word is brutal. And when I heard it, yeah, because it's, it's motherhood to me is the most beautiful, heart-wrenching, life-affirming, rich experience. And it's also brutal. And I think the two together just describes it perfectly for me. That is incredible. I love that. Wow. Thank you. Thank you for that mishmash of a word. That's wonderful. So thank you so much Zoe, for sharing your wisdom with us today. And I encourage everyone to subscribe to the Motherkind podcast, which is, yeah, it's a gift.

And I know it will benefit those who listen. So thank you so much. Thank you, Zoe. Thank you, my darling. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. you might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth.

I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.