The Therapy Edit - THROWBACK - On 3 Steps For Dealing With Irritability, Overwhelm and Rage

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

In this THROWBACK solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna responds to a listener request and considers 3 really useful ways that we can manage feelings of rage.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I love bringing bite-sized thoughts and conversations to support your well-being in your busy lives. Behind the scenes, we are working on bringing you a whole new series. But in the meantime, we have delved into the archives and will be sharing some of our most loved nuggets, lightbulb moments and powerful chats. I hope you enjoy them. Welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. Today I am responding to a request that was asked of me when I put a little box on my Instagram and asking what you wanted me to talk about. And there was another question and I say another one because I think this is a topic that comes up so often, which is how do we deal with rage and like that feeling of irritability?

You know when irritability, that's just kind of like, er, whether you shout, whether you feel like throwing something or you do just kind of throw something across the room, whether you find yourself just wanting to fight, be it metaphorically, you know, fight with words, fight with feelings, fight physically or just wanting to run away. those are the feelings I want to talk about today. What happens? What should we do when we feel this? Because so often, isn't it true, that we can be so kind of judgmental towards ourselves and others when we see these feelings arise and bubble out? We don't like ourselves when we are feeling irritable and snappy.

We don't think well of ourselves when we are argumentative or when those emotions just come out sideways, perhaps in passive-aggressive statements or actions. So what can we do about that? Now, I was talking on my social media the other day about the Coke bottle effect. So if you watch my stories and my little reels, you will have seen me talk about this. And I stood in my garden and I shook a can of Coke, didn't have a bottle, I only had a can, I shook it. I shook it. And then I went to open it and I had the look on my face.

as I feared getting totally covered. And it did. It kind of, it erupted and it dribbled out all over, kind of down my hands. It wasn't quite the dramatic explosion I was expecting. But what I was showing in that little illustration was that often we are getting shaken up. We are getting shaken up. And our children, you know, there are things that happen at school or their nursery settings or their childcare settings or just in social environments where they're being shaken up in a way where things are happening, they're being challenged, they're being stretched and often what do we learn to do in our society and sometimes because it's just required of us in a setting where we have to be outwardly calm or sensible or good. What happens to these emotions and these things that we don't

say and these feelings that we don't express? What happens? they don't just dissipate necessarily do they we push them down it's that coke bottle effect that's shaking and then we come home or we're in a certain situation where we're pushed and challenged that little bit more and what happens is that it just spurts out it erupts and I see this with my six year old especially as he swallows things down at school as he behaves in a way that is most likely appropriate or he feels as expected of him and then he comes home and it's like that lid pops off the Coke bottle. And the same happens with us. When we feel irritated, when we feel angry, when we shout, it's that stuff spurting out, isn't it? So there are

three things I'd like you to think about. Next time you're feeling that irritation, that bubbling up, that rage, that anger, that passive aggression, whatever it looks like for you. I've got three little steps. Now, number one, this is the most important one. Do you know when I spend so long talking about rage, when actually really what we're talking about is overwhelm? So when you berate yourself for being rageful, irritable, what would it be like to think of it as overwhelm? Doesn't it change our relationship to it. If I can be cross with myself, I can't believe I shouted, I can't believe I'm so irritable today. But what happens if actually I relate to that as overwhelm? It becomes less of something for us to criticize ourselves about and more of a little flag that pops up to

say, hey, something's going on here. It's all a little bit too much. You know, looking on it as rage and irritability is more likely to prompt guilt, shame and self-criticism. But as soon as we start to see this as overwhelm, it's far more likely to prompt compassion and questioning. And I found this so helpful with my kids instead of seeing those moments when they come back from their day as, oh, they're just being so whatever it might be that we might label that as. noisy, angry, naughty even. You know, and instead of labelling it with those things, it can be so helpful for us to ask, you know, what? They're really overwhelmed right now.

What can I do? How can I help them? It just changes our relationship, doesn't it, to that feeling, to what's being presented in that moment. Number two, so you've changed your relationship to this feeling, this irritability, this rate. and you're seeing it as overwhel. Something that invites you to explore it a little bit more

with open-mindedness and more gentleness and compassion. So number two, what do you need to let out? So if you're seeing this as overwhelmed, what is overwhelmed? What is coming out sideways here? Is it exhaustion? Is it invalidated needs, lack of support, need for space? What is the opposite of what you've, had too much of. This is particularly helpful. If you've had too much of work and you're full to

the brim, what is the opposite of that? It's putting that boundary in. It's closing the laptop. It's taking the email off your phone. It's putting a phone in the other room so that that work isn't eking in. If you've had too much noise, this is a hard one. How might you seek some quiet You know, it's those things that we need that get edged out. What are you missing? For me, it was just time with a friend without the kids. So the other night I went for a walk with a friend for half an hour and we basically took it in turns.

We spoke about her for 15 minutes halfway around this little loop near where we live and then we spoke about me and I came back feeling like that need had been met. Now, number three, find a way to meet the need now if you can. how might you meet that need? You know, if it's space, how can you just get a little bit of physical space? Just step it out of a different room for a moment if possible. If it's quiet, how can you just calm your nervous system by closing your eyes just for a few seconds, even if there is noise, you're shutting off one form of sensory input to give your nervous system that little bit of a break?

You know, how can you meet that need in the now? Can you just message your friends? so you're getting a little bit of something that you need. And then if you can, plan for a bigger way to meet this need later on. Plan for a bigger way to meet this need later on. And if this is a common need of yours that is coming out in this irritability or this anger that you've identified, if it is a need that is adding to the overwhelm, or perhaps the underwhelm. And I say that because sometimes it is, it's that lack of, isn't it, that is finding us depleted.

You know, how can you start to add it into your day or your week? And it might be that you have to get really creative with this one, which is where it can be a little bit tough. I've got two podcast episodes from the archives that will help. I've got one called five ways to get rest when you can't and five ways to get space when you can't. And there are just some little ideas there that don't necessarily involve heading out for a walk

or having a long bar or meeting up with a friend. friend, but little ways to meet those needs as you wait for those bigger opportunities. So I want to leave you with that. Start to see this rage and irritability as overwhelmed. Start to view it with a bit more inquisitiveness and gentleness and compassion. Start to think about if you're overwhelmed, what do you need to let out? What do you need to tweak? How can you find a small way to meet that need now and plan in other ways to meet it in the last. longer term. I hope that's helpful. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Grab a copy of my new book, The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life by taming ten of your mind's greatest fears,

where we tackle some of life's uncomfortable truths that rob us of energy, joy and headspace, such as some people don't like me, I'm going to fail. Bad things will happen. And as we move into a place of radical acceptance of these truths. You will find yourself living more freely and intentionally with more presence and confidence than ever before. You can find it at your usual bookseller. But in the meantime, just feel free to hit subscribe. And if you enjoyed this episode, please do share it so that we can get more ears benefiting from the words that we share.