The Therapy Edit - THROWBACK- One Thing with Dr Becky on the power of repair

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

In this THROWBACK episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna asks Dr Becky Kennedy for her One Thing. Dr Becky explains to Anna the power of repair when it comes to reflecting and learning from difficult moments in our parenting journey. A truly insightful and enlightening episode!Dr Becky is clinical psychologist, mum of three, and founder of Good Inside. By focusing on the parent behind the parenting and the child behind the behaviour, Dr Becky helps families heal — bringing out the good inside everyone.Dr Becky's groundbreaking approach to parenting is available via the Good Inside membership https://www.goodinside.com/You can also access her supportive words via her podcast - listen to Anna's guest episode here https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/mom-rage-with-anna-mathur/id1561689671?i=1000571196808

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I love bringing bite-sized thoughts and conversations to support your well-being in your busy lives. Behind the scenes, we are working on bringing you a whole new series, but in the meantime, we have delved into the archives and will be sharing some of our most loved nuggets, lightbulb moments and powerful chats. I hope you enjoy them. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit and I am so excited to be talking today with the wonderful Dr. Becky and Dr. Becky and her work, I can truly say, and I've said this before, has hands down transformed the way that I parent. I remember finding Dr. Becky on Instagram and just devouring her amazing short videos and sending loads of them to my husband. watching some of them together and learning a huge amount about ourselves as well in the process. So Dr. Becky, thank you so much for joining me here.

And congratulations because by the time this is out, your book, Good Inside, a Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, will be out. So I hope, yeah, I'm waiting for it to come through my door. Well, thank you. And I always love speaking with you. Like you're one of my favorite people to converse with. So this is really special. So I'm excited to get into it. Well, it's a privilege. And we had a good chat on your podcast recently. So I feel very honored to have you back. And I am also a member of the Good Inside membership. And again,

another incredible place with the most supportive people and a whole library of resources and workshops. I often go on a walk, put my phone in my pocket and listen to it. But I thank you so much for the insight. You've got an amazing podcast as well that people can can go and find and that's good inside. So, so Dr. Becky, how are you today after all my chatting? I am great. You know, my three kids started school yesterday and they are all in one school and they get on one bus and I swear I have a new lease on life as a result. So I'm feeling pretty good this morning. That's a sweet spot, isn't it? The sweet spot of just delivering them to one place, less tearing around, rushing about,

although there probably is still some of that, undoubtedly. But Dr. Becky, you have spoken so many incredible words and I've listened to hours of your resources, but I am so excited to ask you the one thing. You know, if there was the one kind of the cherry on the top of everything that you could share with all the mums, what would that one thing be? the one thing I've such a hard time answering questions like that but I'm going to be a good student

and I'm going to answer it so the one thing I would say is that the single most important parenting strategy to kind of get good at would be repair and there's I think a kind of really powerful message in that kind of simple sounding sentence. Like, okay, I'm going to get good at one thing. Okay. So Dr. Becky thinks it's repair. But if you think about what that means, if we get really good at repair and we focus on getting good at repairing with our kids and with ourselves, then built into that is the understanding that we're still going to yell or scream or say the thing we didn't want to say or be distracted on our phone or judge instead of listen. Like, we're still going to mess up. And so I'd encourage us to really think about that.

together, like, okay, that might be something I can wrap my head around, getting good at something that kind of has built in imperfection to it. Yeah, absolutely. It's almost a relief, you know, instead of the one thing being, you know, getting good at being brilliant at parenting, it's, you know, it's that acknowledgement that it will go one key and there will be those moments. And that's just, you know, coming to an acceptance of that, yes, getting tools and yes, getting insight, but finding ways to work on that repair, that coming back together. Yes. Yeah.

So do you have some thoughts for us and what that might look like? Yes. So let's, I guess we can start with like, well, what is repair, right? So repair in my mind is, like you said, Anna, kind of a coming back together or a way where we have the opportunity to change the end. of like that chapter in our relationship with our kid, right? And when we do that, we have a way to add all of the elements that were probably missing in the first place. So we can add connection after disconnection. We could add curiosity after judgment. We could add pause and reflection and

connection with our kid after a moment that probably felt chaotic and reactive and very, very distant. And so anytime we go back to our kid, by the way, anytime we go back to a partner or to a colleague or to a mother-in-law, whatever it is, anytime we go back to someone and add in an element in our human relationship that was missing, an element that, you know, kind of softens and prioritizes connection. To me, that's a moment that deserves to be labeled as repair. Now, I didn't say the word sorry there. Certainly sorry can be part of a repair. I think, almost naturally it becomes it. But I think it's important to reflect on that because we can go to our kid and say,

look, I'm sorry for yelling, but, you know, if you listen the first time, I'm not going to yell. Like that is not a repair. Nope, nope, nope. It kind of just continues the disconnection, right? It doesn't really add much. It adds the word, sorry, but I don't think anyone listening hears that kind of phrase from me and thinks, oh, Becky, thank you. That makes me feel so much better.

Especially when it's followed by a butt, sorry, but, you know, the butt that comes. sorry, but, you know, actually then I'm reloading it and re-reaming that, that blame. Exactly. That's yours. And I'm sorry, but, you know, you did wrong. Right. And so if everyone listening, assuming you're not driving, definitely don't follow my guidance right now if you're driving, but if you're not driving and you're somewhere, you can do this

safely, if you put your, like, hands out, so they're, like, apart from each other and they have some space, and then you move them further away from each other. Like, that's a disconnected moment. Like, however close I was with my kid, let's say, now I'm more disconnected. And I know that. I just feel it. Like I feel it because I just yelled at them or I just called them a spoiled brat or I said something I just didn't want to say, okay, like still a good person. That's just the truth of the situation. And if then you take your hands and move them a little closer together, like, okay, whatever I just did, I repaired it and we are now closer. And that's a repair, right? So a repair is a way of reprioritizing your connection with your kid. And there's a few elements that I think matter. And I'll start with step one. because I think it's the step a lot of us are never taught. And I think it's actually the critical step, right? Always step one for something is like you can't skip step one, right? So step one is actually repairing with ourselves. And if you're thinking, Dr. Becky, I have like no fucking

clue what that even means. Like that's totally okay. I'll explain it. So let's take a situation where probably I'm stressed about a million things in my life. And then my kid says, like, can I watch one more TV show? And, you know, as a parent, we're like, ah, you're so ungrateful. You always make my life so difficult, like go to your room or you're the worst or I don't know. And if you're thinking, oh my God, that's your example. Mine is so much worse than that. You're still a good person. You're still good inside. And, you know, I've been there too. So that's the moment that now my kid is kind of like, oh, you're the worst. Or maybe they run off crying. And I definitely feel that disconnection, that increased gap. Well, before I can reasonably go to my child's room and

give a good repair, I actually have to repair with myself because until I've repaired with myself, and I'll give an example what that might sound like, I'm probably going to my kid out of the drive for like, hey, can you make me feel better about being a good parent? Like, hey, can you soothe me? And I think we all know, like, that's not a repair. Like, if my husband yelled at me and then came to me looking for me to make him feel better about yelling at me, like, I promise you nothing good would happen, right? So we don't want that. So we have to, to kind of give ourselves a repair first to really, what I consider, like, re-access my good personhood under my not-so-good moment. And from there, I can actually give an authentic repair

to my kid. And the way I do that in my own life is I often do, like, going to the bathroom, and I'll even say to my kid, like, hey, I know that I didn't feel good. Like, I just, I just need a moment to myself. You know, I'm still here. I love you. I'll be right back. Or, you know, maybe they're not around. So I just can do it without quality. it. And I really do, like, I put my feet on the ground. I'm often sitting, sitting, clothes on on like a closed toilet if you want the full details. That's what it looks like. And I put my feet on the craft. And I put my hand on my heart. I just say something like this to myself, like while I'm connected to my body. Like, okay, that moment didn't feel good. That moment

doesn't define who I am as a parent. It doesn't define my kid either. I did not mess up my kid forever. And then I always say this line. I say, Becky, good parents aren't perfect all the time. Good parents repair. And the way I personally know I'm ready to go to my kid is like I'll feel a little shift in my body. Like I really will feel a little softening or the voice that says like Becky, you know, you're a horrible parent. Like just gets a little quieter. Probably doesn't totally go away, but it gets a little quieter. I'll just, I'll really pay attention to my body. And then at some point after that, and maybe it's five minutes later, Maybe I have to wait till the night. Maybe I have to wait to the next morning because things are so heated. Then from there I can go to my kid and say some version of this. Like, hey, I'm sorry I yelled. And then this line is really key, I think, or some version of it. It's never your fault when I yell at you. I'm like, look, we have to figure out a TV policy that works. Or, hey, we have to figure out how to communicate more respectfully when you disagree with what I say. And still, you don't make me yell. And I'm sure that felt scary.

and you're right to feel that way. And I'm here and I love you. And I'm working on, you know, managing my feelings, you know, and I, just like you are. Something like that. I think the key elements are owning your behavior, naming it wasn't your kid's fault. If you have it in you, kind of wondering about their feelings like that, that probably felt scary or I'm sure that didn't feel good to you and really like reasserting your connection. I love you and I'm here. And I'm working on that in the future. So I've so many more things. to say, but that was a lot, so I'll pause. I love that. And I think, you know, that moment of sitting on the toilet seat and just remind it, Lid, and reminding yourself, you know,

reconnecting and saying, you know, I'm not perfect. It's okay. We're going to mess up. I'm a good person. I might have just done a messy thing. But where are we going to go from here? And I have this moment has sprung to my mind. And it was such a messy morning. It was so hard. And I was like, wound up like a tight, tight spring and suddenly I snapped and it was like almost a, you know, a dissociated moment where all rationality had gone out the window and I had this melanine plate. Like, I don't know, do you know those plates that are like that really brittle plastic and I threw it at the tiles on the floor? And as soon as I did it, I knew that I, you know, I'd gone too far, too far from myself, you know, from where I would like to have gone with that emotion. and feeling that was not where I wanted to go.

And the kids started crying. They were then fearful. And I had this moment and they were kind of in the, they just moved away from me, understandably. And I had this moment where I thought, this can go two ways. Like this can just get worse or I can just slow down, regrow myself.

And this can change. Like it doesn't have to carry on like this. And I had that moment in my kitchen. And I felt, and I literally remember that feeling that shift inside of myself. And I sat down, I kneeled down on the mat in the kitchen. I said, kids, come here, come here. And I spoke to them. And I said, I'm so sorry.

You know, that wasn't a great thing to do that. I shouldn't have done that. I love you. And it was, you know, you talk about that repair and, you know, finding that opposite to what just happened. And, you know, they felt fearful. And I wanted to bring them safety. And I'm not saying it always goes like this, but this was the moment that really, that really kind of hit me.

And we just kind of sat there and we cuddled and then, you know, we laughed. And it was like safety was restored and that little circle was complete. And they still talk about it. They talk about the moment that mummy smashed the plastic plate with the diggers on it. But not in a not in a kind of almost like a traumatized way, which I feel like it could have gone that way potentially. And I was really proud of myself that day. You know, I was really proud of, and I'm sure that it's, you know, absorbing and devouring your work that is helping me with that.

So thank you. And yeah, that's the moment that sprung to mind for me, the plate, the plate day, plate gate. And Anna, I mean, it's so, it's truly heartwarming. Like, this is what, and I, you know, I know we're talking right around the time of the book. Like, the book and the membership, like, just to say to front, like, it's not a guide for how to be a perfect parent. None of it. I have always hoped to put out, you know, workshops and deeper dives and a book now. It's like a guide to feel more confident and more empowered and to parent in a way that's

more aligned more often with my parenting values. But overall, it's a guide for realistic life and realistic parenting. And I've always said, and I mean, like, my kids do not have Dr. Becky as a parent. And I really mean this. I wouldn't wish Dr. Becky as a parent on any child. Like, number one, like I feel like she'd be kind of annoying all the time. Like always kind of like sturdy and grounded. Like, I don't know. It's just like, hello, you're not a robot. But number two, if I think about the way that our relationship with our kids really impacts them long term, not only do we help teach them regulation skills for life through experience and through our relationship, not through anything didactic. We also set the blueprint for what they really think about

as a loving, safe relationship, right? If my kids go into adulthood thinking, I know what a loving safe relationship is, and so I know what I'm looking for in a partner, it is someone who is always attuned to your needs, who always gets it, who always says the right thing, who is always calm. Like, I mean, any of us who are partnered, like, is like, oh, if there's an expectation I don't want my kids to have, it's that one. Like, how awful. Like, now, do I want them to think that a loving, safe relationship is one where you get yelled at and called names and then those things are never mentioned again? Definitely not. I want them to know that a loving, safe relationship is one that, you know, is mostly as stable and sturdy as possible and has moments

that don't feel good. And then are followed by conversation and people owning their behavior, not blaming them for it, and having the opportunity to voice how you felt and what you might need and also talk about how things can improve going forward. Like, I hope that for my kids from age 18 and up. for everyone listening who can think about a moment where they've yelled at their kids, okay? Now, I'm going to guess that's 100% of listeners, but for anyone who doesn't fall into that category, like, I don't know if we could be friends because, like, I don't know, it just seems like a really high bar. But like to remind yourself, okay, yeah, that didn't feel great. And I do want to start thinking about not what led to that yell in the moment,

but what earlier in the day or earlier in the week probably led me to be depleted or stressed out or feeling overwhelmed because I do want to work on that, not only for my kids, but for myself. And still, those moments are going to happen. And what an opportunity I have to wire healthy relationship patterns for my kids' entire adult life, by the way, I show up after those moments. Those moments are going to happen. And how I show up after is some of the most bang for my buck moments I can have for my kids wiring. Yeah, absolutely. And it needs you know, a little bit of humility, like taking, taking, you know, holding yourself accountable, and I guess compassion for yourself so we can get beyond that shame and self-blame so that we can

actually have these conversations and maybe equipping ourselves with a bit of insight and maybe a tool to ground ourselves in that moment like, like you do on the toilet lid. So that is so helpful. And a follower actually asked a question that you've just completely answered saying, you know, Dr. Becky, do you feel like there's so much more pressure to get it right because you have this knowledge and you've just completely answered that? And I think, you know, a perfect parent does not prepare a child for an imperfect world. It's, yeah, it's so, this is so powerful. So thank you so much. And I just think your your book, Good Inside, is going to be such a gift to the world because all of your resources are imbued with this grounded compassion.

You know, that belief that our children are good inside. You know, ultimately they are good inside. And so are we as moms, you know, ultimately in parents, you know, ultimately we are good people who mess up. We do messy things. But there is this amazing ability and choice to choose to repair. So thank you. Thank you so much for those tips. Can I spring a few really kind of quickfire questions on you just at the end?

Okay, so what is a motherhood high for you in a couple of words or a couple of sentences, a motherhood high? I think my biggest wins are when I can access like my sturdiness in the most chaotic, difficult moments for my kids. So I think clarity, which is interesting, which is totally separate from my kids' behavior. But I think actually the more we define our parenting wins, by the way we, we show up, the more power we have and, you know, the more control we have over our destiny, but also feeling like a sturdy leader in a turbulent moment, like actually it becomes an amazing

high. And so thinking about my kid having a meltdown in a grocery store and knowing, you know what, grocery store shopping is not happening right now, I just have to carry my child out. Being at a birthday party where my kid is the only one who isn't joining and being able to like have clarity of what my job is during that moment and what my job is not, I actually feel like those moments I leave, feeling like, wow, I feel on top of my game today. It's a good feeling, kind of centering down on your role instead of that fear and that worry as to what everyone else is thinking, and then we just kind of move away from that, don't we? And a motherhood low, a motherhood challenge for you?

You know, I have a lot of preemptive anxiety about things. So I'm talking to you right now, right before my book tour. So I'm going to be away for eight nights. the week after my kids start school. And right now, I think a low is when my anxiety I see as like a truth. So I'm like, oh, how are my kid's going to be? And, you know, they're going to miss me. And it's going to be disregulating and this. And then I'll like overplan with them.

And I'll be like, so when you miss me desperately? And everyone's like, I get it. Like you prepare. It's like, we're going to be okay. Like remember, we're capable. And so I think some of my lows are like moments just like now. So even talking about out loud is really helpful. full is when I don't really differentiate my own anxiety from my kids, you know, capability.

Yeah, I hear that. And what's one thing in life that makes you feel good, something that you do or engage in? Recently, there's very few things that make me feel as good. And you refer to, like, the membership as the way live events in the good inside membership make me feel. the power of seeing so many faces from around the globe in over 30 countries show up and in the chat just drip with compassion for each other, just share, just show up for each other, just are ignited inside. The way that lights me up inside, just being a part of that is there's no comparison to that feeling. Yeah, seeing people, that compassion, that story sharing and the shame that you know is just being chipped away at melting away in the moment as people share their stories and feel less alone. Yeah. And how would you describe to finish off motherhood in three

words? Growth producing, curious and repair. Growth producing, curious and repair. Yeah, brilliant. Well, thank you so much. What a powerful 20 minutes of people. And everybody, if you are not, already, a follower of Dr. Becky, go and find her on its gram at Dr. Becky. Good Inside. Get her book. I assure you it's going to be compassionate gold, parenting gold called Good Inside, a practical guide to becoming the parent you want to be, and check out the membership worth every single penny, just a wealth of resources that will support you and equip you. So thank you so much for listening and Dr. Becky. Thank you for being a guest this week. Thank you, Anna. Talk soon. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

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