The Therapy Edit - THROWBACK One Thing with Lucy London on being honest with your children

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

In this THROWBACK episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna chats with Lucy London who tells listeners that her One Thing is 'to be honest with your children drawing on her experiences of coming out as a gay to her family.Lucy London is a fashion designer, the Creative Director at London Queer Fashion Show and programmes short fashion courses for Jimmy Choo Academy.You can follow Lucy on Instagram at @lucylondonofficial

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I love bringing bite-sized thoughts and conversations to support your well-being in your busy lives. Behind the scenes, we are working on bringing you a whole new series, but in the meantime, we have delved into the archives and will be sharing some of our most loved nuggets, light bulb moments and powerful chats. I hope you enjoy them. Hello and welcome to today's guest episode of The Therapy Edit and today I have with me, Lucy London officials. So Lucy is a fashion designer. She is now really engaged in fashion business and fashion education. She is the creative director of London Queer Fashion Show.

She's also the director of short courses at Jimmy Chew Academy. And also she has got an extra account with Dolly Porton, the most wonderful, humorous pup ever. So Lucy, welcome. How are you today? Thanks, Anna. Yeah, really good. I feel great. I had COVID and I'm over it now. So now I'm like full of energy and yeah, loving life back to normal. It's good, isn't it? Because when you, when you feel better, I suddenly, you kind of suddenly feel really good and you realize how rough you felt and how good it feels to feel fit and healthy again. Yeah, absolutely. I think I dodged it for so long. So it was the first time of getting it, so it's a bit of a shock. And then I'm one of those people that I can't

sit still. And obviously, it doesn't matter what you've got. If you're a bit poorly, you have to sit still, don't you? So it's quite good for me, really, to sit still for a while. But now, now I'm back, I'm kind of like, oh, I'm loving it. I'm loving being able to walk without being breathless and being able to, and I love to talk. So for my whole house, it was a fantastic break. But for me, it was really frustrating, yeah. It was frustrating, isn't it? All those little outlets of the chatting and the doing and the working and the working. and those things that kind of come together to make you you when they're kind of depleted or taken away for a bit. That's challenging, isn't it? It is challenging. And I think that over the last,

well, definitely I'd say five, six years or so, when I kind of engaged in a fantastic therapist, I'd had therapists before over my life, but a fantastic therapist, I now completely value the kind of silence and being able to sit with myself and doing the work, I should say, as far as meditation and things. But being poorly for me is a bit of a trigger. So like being poorly and kind of thinking, oh, you know, I can't actually physically, it's that restriction, isn't it? It's like if you choose to do it, it's slightly different than being kind of held back from doing it. So, yeah, it's kind of, again, it's like made me stop and think and realize as clever as I think I am. There's still quite a bit to do. Oh gosh. Yeah, those moments where like another layer of

the onion is peeled away and you think, oh gosh, oh no, there's more. But it sounds like you've got some great tools, though. So is meditation something that you, that you leave? I do, I would say I fall on it, which is not the best way to practice it. So it's not about using it when you feel like you need it. It's doing it all the time. And I've had to kind of learn that the hard way. And I've had to kind of learn that the hard way but I also kind of I really feel the base like it's kind of I started it and I thought well if I do it in the mornings I was quite skeptical you know it's kind of like I'm a believer in all these things but I was kind of skeptical as like well you know if I get up you know 15 minutes early that's 15 minutes less sleep or 15 minutes less like laying I don't know if it's worth it like

I actually don't think it's worth it but we'll see and so I started doing it and I just kind of thought it's pretty odd that when I do it in the mornings I do actually feel more in control of me during the day. And I don't feel as, I don't know, I guess out of control, I guess is the best way to put it. I feel more in control of myself, my emotions. I don't just seem to have like a happier, happier head. And I do know that is true because I've done periods of like, okay, but it's just me. It's just a phase. I'm feeling really positive at the moment. It's nothing to do with that. And then I'll stop doing it for a while and just because I'm like trying to trick myself into thinking that it can't possibly be just that, you know, making a

difference. And if you stop it for a period of time, I start to go back into old habits, old patterns and, and yeah, you can feel really quite low and down again. So, I mean, it really does help me. And I'm kind of one of those people that now, when I'm around anybody, I'm one of those annoying people that kind of go, you should try meditation. It really works. You know, it doesn't work for everyone, but it just works for me. So I'm quite happy, yeah. That's so powerful, isn't it? And you're just even listening to you is making me think, oh, I actually really want to put that back in my life again. And I think sometimes the image that we have of meditation in itself can stop us from wanting to do it because it's like got to sit down for ages and silence. And I used to find that even just doing five minutes of like a guided thing with an app was really helpful. So how do you fit that in? And what do you do? Do you sit there? No, no, no, not at all. I wish I had hours. I think that the way that I started it, I mean, I've got to be honest with you. I would say probably, I don't know, 10 years ago or so, I could not have done it because I couldn't stay silent. I couldn't stay still. And the thought of that would terrify me with my own anxiety. And I filled every waking moment and probably much of my sleep with thoughts. and doing. And it got to a point where I was just completely on this roller coaster of burnout.

And it kind of circles back really into a lot of why I was really excited to talk to you and I followed you for years and years and years. And I saw so much of myself in you when I started following you. I don't have babies anymore, but they're always my babies and they need a lot still, but that really suited my lifestyle then and my anxiety and my depression then because it meant that I was needed. I had to survive. I had to live. I had to get up. I had to make the world in my head unscary because if I was making it unscary for them, it would hopefully, I hoped that it would be unscary for me. And I also wanted to try and make perfect because I'm a perfectionist and I want everyone to be happy and I want everything to be

joyous and fulfilling and I've learnt over huge amounts of work and also now having adult children who have spoken back to me and told me about all the things that I thought that I had made perfect the harsh reality of them knowing that it wasn't. perfect and actually they're okay, they're all right. And, you know, I did pretty good job, really. And the realization of all of that has allowed me to not only understand myself and accept myself and accept that in my, you know, I get told by, I was told for many, many years by friends and family. You live in a fantasy world, Lucy. You live in a bubble. It's like Lucy's world. And I was like, I like it here. It's really nice. It's a really nice place. But it's constantly

disappointing. You know, you're constantly let down when people don't respond to you or opportunity doesn't respond in the right way or, you know, you have a child that's poorly. You know, I had my youngest, my second child was very, very poorly and I couldn't fix it. And I often think that he was sent as one of my lessons kind of thing because I couldn't make it okay and I still can't make it okay but it is okay like everything is fine and it's just how how life is and so meditation for me has been like a journey of I find like I have a huge praise for myself the fact that I can sit there and I enjoy now I can't believe I can you know I absolutely love sitting alone being alone. I don't need anyone. I don't need anything around me. I can just sit with myself.

And for anyone that kind of hears this and thinks, you know, well, I could never do that or, oh, well, I wouldn't want to do that. I think there's such a straight, I mean, for me, it's a huge power to be able to do that and not go into this awfully dark place. I was scared to be alone. I was scared to be on my own. I was scared not to have a direct drive, a goal, a need, because if I didn't have that, then my existence, I didn't know whether my existence would be enough for me. So that reality of being able to do, I do 15 minutes, you know, I do 15 minutes meditation. I can do 45. I'm really happy doing 45. I've got it. I will do it. But it's really important for me to, for me also, it's like a priority, I'm prioritising myself. So it's like my 15 minutes in

the morning is like, that's my time. If I can do it in the evening as well, if I feel like, if I'm quite anxious in the evening. I've had really, I mean, my life is very busy. The fashion world is a very demanding space and one that has fitted my personality absolutely perfectly and a perfectionist personality perfect. But I'm at the age now, you know, in my mid-40s where I'm, I value my time and I value, you know, my worth and I value my space and who holds my space with me and I love it when I can just, you know, give myself that time. And it's something I never, ever, ever thought I'd be able to do. Just that's, that's so powerful, that journey from from finding it really, really hard and a challenge of identity to kind of just sit and slow and

be. And it was reminding me of a line that that has always stayed with me of Dido. Can you remember Dido? Yes. I'm so lonely and she's saying, I'm so lonely, I don't even want to be with myself anymore. and I've really felt that in the past and I think there's, you know, it's amazing that you found a way and a place through therapy and those conversations and the people that you allow into your life and to, you know, to know you,

that you've gotten to a place where you can slow down and be. In fact, you crave that sometimes and it's giving you so much, so much back. And normally I ask this question right at the beginning but I feel like you've given us, you've given us a lot in this is that one thing that you want to share with mums is that is that is that you know find that tool of meditation but also how you were touching on that perfectionism that that consumes so much of you and that you know that desire just to make life good and safe for the kids and

and how you weren't you couldn't always do that sometimes that's taken out of your hands but actually i love the fact that they they can look back now and say yeah it wasn't it wasn't perfect mum and actually we're doing all right yeah absolutely i mean i think that when i when i knew i was going to come and chat to you and i kind of obviously i gave it some thought and you know i've i've listened to some of your podcast stuff and i just kind of thought well you know i i i listened to quite a lot of your stuff and i and i'm sad for me that i i didn't i'm not like i haven't got baby in arms now because it would have been so good for me then and there wasn't anything like that then. So it was like books. And obviously, as you know, trying to find time or peace to read a book is

impossible. But I did think about the question, you know, if I could tell you one thing. And my thing that I was going to tell you all was be honest with your children. And I think that all those years back, and I struggle with it now. I do struggle with it now because I just think I don't really, I would much prefer my children to never. obviously, it sounds ridiculous, but never feel pain and never be confronted with anything that could possibly overshadow a moment in their waking lives. And it's so ridiculous, you know, because the world isn't perfect. And actually, now I reflect on it, and especially conversations that I've had with

my daughter, you know, it's not, it doesn't injustice. really to set them up in in that way and and you know oh well everything's lovely i mean they my children are very aware that in my head everything is lovely all the time and i try and create that for myself because who doesn't everyone wants to feel um you know loved and peace and all those things but the reality is that you know your your children and you and your family will go through really difficult times. And that might be through health. It might be financial. It might be emotional. It might be, you know, you go on holiday and everything goes wrong or, you know, and you just think, oh, I've been saving for this forever and now it's all gone wrong. And every, you know,

I've been, you know, talking about this for weeks. They're really excited and the pool isn't open and the door won't open. And, you know, I remember a holiday, I went on once. And, you know, within the first 15 minutes, my youngest had taken a few toddley little steps as he did then and fell straight into the fire gray and basically knocked out one of his very first front tooth. You know, blood everywhere. And I just was like, well, this is disastrous. This isn't anything like it was meant to be. And now he won't have a tooth.

You know, it was just like one thing after another. And I should have been watching him. did he touch the chair? Did he actually fall? I just turned for a second. Like, why did I do that? And it's like, these things are going to happen. You know, and it was fine.

He ate ice cream for the next two days and probably loved it. You know, so, but there's so much wrapped up in motherhood and parenthood and having this ideal. And I think especially when it depends on your, obviously, your relationship with your parents. And I've really done a lot of work of my relationship with my parents. how that's impacted, how I then parent my children. You know, and I'm way too, I'm way too giving. I'm way too nice. I love too much. I think one of my favorite stories, and I mean, I wish they were here. I wish my kids were here now to kind of speak to you about it, but I remember when I dropped my, my oldest off at school, so she was in reception when I had my second.

I wanted to leave five years because I physically couldn't cut. I don't know how anyone does it with very close children. I really don't know how you do it. I physically couldn't do it. So I had one at five. So it kind of waving off my daughter at nursery and I, you know, have a fantastic day and, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I said, you know, don't forget, don't forget. And I remember her kind of screaming from the top of this little staircase where they had to go up to a reception.

I know, mommy, you love me. And I just thought, oh, do I say it that often? Do I say it that long? My kids are like that, yeah. Even now, honestly, Mom, you just said it so much. But you do not. I don't know why you say it so much, you know. And it's like we all have our history.

We all have our reasons for doing the things we do as parents. We just kind of need to give ourselves a break. And they do turn out, okay. They really do. Thank you so much for that. Oh, well. I have got some quick-fire questions for you to finish off. Yeah?

Yeah. You look a bit shocked. Yeah, I didn't mention that. I think people would be listening to all of the podcast, and I didn't know that bit was coming. Just at the end. Just a few. So, Lucy, what is a motherhood high for you?

A quick motherhood high? My children knowing how much I love them. Oh, yes. And a motherhood low. What's a motherhood low for you? Um, I think a motherhood low for me was being a young mother alone. I felt, I felt I was completely alone. I had no support is how I felt. Um, and now I look back. I was, I was really quite depressed and I covered it up very, very well because my personality wouldn't allow me to

accept it. Um, and I think it's probably one of my lowest moments in my life. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to turn to where to go and, you know, it was, it was, it was really, really low. But I did go to my GP and I did seek help and I did start some therapy at that point. But I remember if, you know, just as that quick fire question, it's like that point was quite devastating to me. Yeah. And being someone who is, looks like you have it together can sometimes be, you know, it's a safety mechanism, but it can actually keep you alone, can't it? Because people, it can be very believable, can't it? Absolutely. And we're all together. We're all, you know, I know everyone in my professional world, et cetera, and everyone that knows me, they would never describe me as anxious or they'd never describe me as depressed. They would never describe me as those things. But lots of us are all of those things. And it's completely fine. It's completely natural to go through periods, waves, or constants of that. And it's just taken me a long time to realise it. And I accept it now. You know, it's just the way it is.

Yeah. A lot of acceptance coming through to the. day and what's one thing that makes you feel good anything um well your red lipstick's making me feel good today putting red lipstick on really gets me ready for the day um uh my meditation makes me feel good sharing time with my family so my wife and my children and us all being together is is really fun it's a really that we're all just such different personalities and we bring in such a big mix. It's good fun. It's good fun being with family. Yeah. It's being together. And how would you describe motherhood in three words to finish off? A roller coaster. I would describe it as a roller coaster. So it's like that anticipation, the excitement

of it, and then you're kind of on it, and it's like a white knuckle ride. And it's the scariest thing you've ever done in your life. And you can't really breathe because the air is coming into your lungs, quickly. And then, you know, it's kind of overwhelming or consuming. You can't wait to get off. And then it slows down a little bit. And you kind of go, I want to go again. Yeah, I want to do it all again. It was the best thing ever. Yeah. I love that analogy. Oh, especially when you explain it like that. So thank you so much, Lucy, for coming on and chatting with us. Some people can find you on Instagram at Lucy London official where you share your day and your story and your work. And yeah, just so grateful, so grateful for you there.

So thanks for coming on. You're so welcome. Thanks, Anna. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Grab a copy of my new book, The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears, where we tackle some of life's uncomfortable truths that rob us of energy, joy and headspace,

such as some people don't like me, I'm going to fail. Bad things will happen. And as we move into a place of radical acceptance of these truths, you will find yourself living more freely and intentionally with more presence and confidence than ever before. You can find it at your usual bookseller. But in the meantime, just feel free to hit subscribe. And if you enjoyed this episode, please do share it so that we can get more ears benefiting from the words that we share.