The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Andy Daly: Trying and Failing (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: July 5, 2024

Comedian Andy Daly joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to talk FAILURE! In this premiere episode of Andy’s new weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories from callers about dental procedure fails, X-rated cakes, skiing mishaps, the languages we never learned, and much more. Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Alright! Hey everybody! Welcome to the inaugural episode of the Andy Richter call-in show on SiriusXM. I'm doing grown-up radio just like daddy. Just like daddy. They're like there's I'm in front of a control board with two computer screens and and levels that you push up and down. I don't I think they're all disconnected from things. Don't touch those. I will not. But anyway, so yeah, this is, this is, you know, I do my podcast with SiriusXM

and it is broadcast here on the Conan Channel, Channel 104. I'm lost and confused, but I like that feeling. Yes. So I have no idea what you're talking about. You should be. That's my sweet spot. Conan has a SiriusXM channel. No, no, no, no, don't explain it.

Oh. Well, anyway, that's Andy Daley. Cohen has a serious accent. No, no, no, don't explain it. Oh. Well, anyway, that's Andy Daly. Oh, hi. Hi, he's sitting in. I will be helming this show because I love control. I must be in control at all times. But I will have a guest each week to sort of help me

help you sort out whatever the topic happens to be and just basically have some freewheeling fun. I'm so excited to be here. I can't, we're taking actual calls. That's how this works? From people. On their phones. On their phones.

In their homes or their cars, wherever they may be. They have access to a phone number that somehow allows us to hear their voices. Precisely. Wow. And they're going to a phone number that somehow allows us to hear their voices. Precisely. Wow. And they're gonna call in, and the topic of conversation today is, have you ever attempted something,

set out on a journey, on a task, in a relationship, that seemed auspicious, seemed like something good was gonna happen, and then it all went terribly wrong. That's such an interesting topic to be the first topic of this new venture, don't you think? Is there some? Geez, I haven't thought about it.

You haven't thought about the connection between the topic and the fact that- Between possibly flopping on your face and trying something new and having it be horrible and not work at all? Wow, I never thought of that. Oh, you didn't. Yes, I did.

Of course you did. Of course I did. It's just an amusingly pessimistic approach to getting things going. I like to get the poison out before the snake has bitten me. Oh, smart idea. Yeah, I mean, no, it's not really.

It's a terrible system. Yeah, no, I believe in pessimism. I'm an eternal pessimist, and it works for me. I don't understand people who are optimistic because if I'm wrong, I have the pleasure of things going well, and if I'm right, yes, things went terribly, but at least I get to say I was right.

Yes. Why would anyone walk around going, I predict the good things? Um, because it does wear on you and shortens your life, I think, to be like that. Yeah. And it's a real drag to be around.

That's not my problem. That's everybody else's problem. Yeah. Eeyore was everyone else in the Enchanted Wood or whatever. I tell you, I would have gone looking for that tail once. And then I would have said from now on, you figure this out. Well, Andy, you are, for people that don't know you,

which is, that's gotta be like maybe one or two people out there that don't know you. Oh, there's plenty out there. But you are one of the funniest people I've ever known. Oh, no. But I mean, that's a group of like 60,000 people is what I'm saying. That's a, that's a lot.

It feels like a lot, that's a big number. No, you truly are. And I'm one of my, I love you, you're one of my favorite people, one of my favorite friends, and I'm so grateful that you came here to help me with this. Thank you, I'm delighted to be here. I always enjoy spending time with you,

and the only way to do it is in a professional setting. You won't get together in any personal way that doesn't. Yeah, that's icky though. That's icky if there isn't a paycheck attached. Oh, I hear you. But, um, but you've, I mean, you've had some, you've had a lot of, you've done a lot of different things in show business.

Mm. For instance, you did a show called Review that was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Thank you. It was on Comedy Central and you played a reviewer who didn't review movies and such, you reviewed life, life experiences. Yes.

So not unlike this show where the public can impact what we do on his show, which actually was a scripted show, but the public in his universe would set him off on journeys and say, will you find out what it's like to, whatever. And he had no control over what it was and had a belief that he could never say no, so he ended up doing terrible things. Yeah. belief that he could never say no, so he ended up doing terrible things. Yeah, and in keeping with our theme, he basically put his entire life into a nosedive for hilarious effect.

Exactly. And like, for instance, somebody said, what's it like to be divorced? So he just got divorced to try and see what that was like. Yeah, yeah. And he was not able to express a reason to his wife. That was the funnest thing about that divorce scene, for her to be like, why?

Because! Because a stranger asked me to. Yeah, but he didn't feel like he could say that. Yeah, yeah. Yes, that was a lot of fun. You know, and I mean, and it, and I'm speaking from the same place, well-received, I mean, I could be talking about me,

did a show, well received, critics loved it, didn't really go anywhere. Yeah. And how many seasons did you have? We had one season and then they gave us a second season because at that point in time Comedy Central was trying to shake the reputation of a place that only gave shows one season.

Oh my God. That's my understanding. No, but it was also a critically acclaimed first season, so even though the ratings were not great, they said, all right, here's another one. And then they canceled us, but gave us an opportunity to wrap it up in either a feature or two one-hour episodes, or we opted for three half-hour episodes.

I don't know why. But, yeah, that was it. So it was two seasons in a bit. Well now, looking back on it, do you feel like where are you in sort of how you feel about it? Are you mostly proud? Does it still sting?

Because I know, I mean actually just today, Cracked, the comedy website Cracked, did an oral history of Andy Richter controls the universe. So that just came out today. And I talked to this guy and looking back on it, like it was interesting to talk about it and realize like, oh yeah, I was really, really hurt by that.

I was really disappointed when that show, we had two like mid seasons and I didn't even think, like, that I could be that disappointed. I thought that I had bulletproofed myself against showbiz disappointment, but I hadn't. No, I mean, this is... Where are you at? How you feel it? My pessimism wins again.

I never expected to get a second season, you know? And, yeah, here's what I think now after all this time. I was sitting with one of our editors at some point who was talking about, as we were wrapping up the show, where like those final three episodes are being edited, and she said something about how terrible our season one promotions were, like our on-air promotions and stuff like that. And I said, yeah, those were really, really bad. And she said, yeah, they're the reason that we're here ending this show now.

Wow. And it had technically sort of been within my power at that time, I think, to say, no, these do not promote our show well. Let's do this instead, but I didn't. So I just think in terms of how did I fuck it up. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, no, I know.

So I'm incredibly proud of that show. I love that people are still finding it, and they are, and that people tell me that they like it, and I'm thrilled that it exists, and it doesn't bother me that it exists in a limited number, actually, at this point. I didn't need it to go forever, but yes, what stings is the feeling that I fucked it up.

From out of the shoot, I should have insisted on a more effective promotional campaign. Yeah, it's hard to know, though. It's hard to know when you're, like, put in charge of something, like, and you're not used to throwing your weight around. And I also had heard so many stories about Comedy Central people who have their own shows

having all this friction with the promotional department. And so I kind of went into it saying, I'm not gonna be that guy. I'm gonna trust the experts to do what they do. And here we are on satellite radio. Well, let's go to some calls. And here we are on Satellite Radio. Well, let's go to some calls. I mean, the name of this show is the Andy Richter call-in show, and we actually have callers up.

So we're gonna go, our first caller, it's Sam. And Sam is getting her adult braces off. Okay. Sam, are you there? Hey, can you hear me? Yeah, we can hear you. Where you calling from? Oh my gosh, I'm calling from Portland, Oregon. Nice! Do you have lots of piercings and tattoos? Okay, first of all, no. I have a few tattoos. I don't have piercings. I don't really do the piercings, but I do have some tattoos.

I'm actually from Austin where the story sort of started. Okay. And I'm very happy to share it with you. All right, great. I didn't mean any sort of value judgments. I just, I hear Portland, I think you probably got some metal in your face. Yeah. Oh my God.

Sorry, I think I'm so freaking excited to talk to both of you that I came out way harder than I had thought. Oh no, it's okay, it's okay. Don't worry about it. We're excited to talk to you. I want to hear about these adult braces. Yeah, tell us. Oh my gosh, and I'm telling you while I'm wearing Invisalign. So, let's just start the story. Okay, first of all, like I mentioned,

I'm from Austin, Texas. I was 25 at the time. This was in 2016. Lots going on, mostly my adult braces Unfortunately was overshadowed by the Gilmore Girls show being released. It's a whole thing. So I Really really really want to fix a snaggle tooth and a bit of an overbite. I was like it's time I want pretty your teeth, but I'm super cheap about it because that's just the American healthcare system Right. I don't want to pay a bunch of money because that's just the American healthcare system. I don't want to pay a bunch of money. I'm right next to the border.

And that stuff is expensive. Oh, so you went south of the border to get dental work. I did. Wow, sounds like a great plan. Honestly, no, I would probably do the same thing. Honestly, I probably would do the same thing. Yeah, but you had more of a plan than just go south of the border, right?

You didn't just cross the border and say, where's the tooth guy? You did some research. I mean, I kind of relied on family. So my family's actually from Mexico. I'm born in Austin. So I had a family member take me to a part of Mexico where it's really touristy.

They accept US American cards. I'm like, great, because I don't want to bring cash. Getting there and getting the braces super easy. Super. It was actually a really great experience. Is it specifically dental tourism? The tourism that's down there? It is actually. Yeah. Yes. At least in that area. I mean, I'm sure there's other things, but Yeah. Yes. At least in that area. I mean, I'm sure there's other things, but yeah, I don't dabble in anything else. But the story is where it kind of goes awry is when I realize, okay, wait, I have all this metal in my mouth. I have to do adjustments like every couple of months or so that I was having to keep driving back. And I just didn't have the foresight to think about that. And I'm like, I'm not going to drive eight hours every two months. Like that's a lot and I'm lazy and I don't want to do it. And that you didn't realize that this was not a one

time deal until after the braces were on. Sounds like there's a reason why I had terrible teeth for so long. I just never looked into it. What I ended up deciding was, okay, you know, I don't wanna deal with all of this. I'm just gonna keep them in for maybe a few months and then I'll go back and then I'll just have them completely remove it and I'll try this again when I'm not feeling so cheap

and actually stay in the States. And then that's where the story kind of goes terribly wrong. Yeah, tell us that part. I didn't have the family member. That's the sexy story kind of goes terribly wrong. I didn't have the family member. That's the sexy part, where it goes awful. Ooh, it's getting hot in here, y'all. So I didn't have a family member to go with me because the response was, well, you're an adult,

you can figure this out. You have GPS, we have smartphones. And I'm like, you know what, you're right. I'm gonna do this myself. But I was still scared and I had two friends come with me, doesn't matter. So we're driving and I don't realize that somewhere in like a spotty area, the GPS starts to reroute.

I don't even realize it. And we end up going way further south down towards the very tip Brownsville area of the border and that's where we end up crossing Mexico which I thought at the time was weird because I was like where's all the traffic this is very touristy it's supposed to have a bunch of people here and we didn't see any of that and even the border patrol agent was like looking at me like really weird so I was like maybe it's just a holiday I don't't know. So we crossed the border. We're not seeing anything that

looks familiar to me and start to panic and realize that you know we're actually in cartel territory and because we're starting to see like blitz and buildings and things like that that just don't look right. And so that's when my phone decides to tell me, oh, by the way, we rerouted you and you don't have service, so we can't reroute you again. So we were stuck in this area, not, yeah, we were stuck in this area, not, so do you know how to get to where,

oh, so do you just go back to Brownsville and go across the border and then head back up through Texas? Yes, that was the plan. But we took so many turns trying to figure out where we were. We lost track with where we were going and panicked. And in our panic, we got lost trying to figure out where the border was. So eventually I was like, you know what? Do you speak Spanish? Oh boy. No, I do not. I know. And this is the journey to get the braces taken off.

Is that correct? Yeah. Okay. This is because you've already kind of fucked up. Yeah. Kinda, yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

Well, I got kind of big time fucked up. Well, anyway, I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna try to talk to someone. So I pull up, I try to find just someone who looks Trustworthy because there weren't a lot of people outside anyway I did find a woman and her daughter and I stopped pulled over and like they're looking at me Like I'm really weird and I just chalk it up to them thinking that like I'm freaked out. I'm not I'm American Obviously, I'm speaking English. Maybe it's just it's just weird to see me

That's what I assumed. And I'm trying to like ask her for like directions or a map or something. And she eventually helps us once she realizes what I'm asking for. But she's just like really weirded out by me and keeps like her distance from me physically. So I get back in the car and I put on my seatbelt and my friend is like, hey, did you realize your tits are out? is like, hey, did you realize your tits are out? I hear that every day. And my answer is, yes. I'm well aware that my tits are out. What do you mean out?

Like they fell out of your shirt? I was wearing a buttoned up jumper, and I didn't realize that in my squirming, in my seat with a seat belt because I was panicking, unbuttoned my shirt and my breasts just the whole time revealed themselves. I had no idea. Wow.

That's a good way to call attention away from the braces. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's one way. Oh my God, I know, right? Because like my snaggletooth was not Kirsten Dunst cute at all and that was like what I was aiming for. But it's funny that your friend asked, did you know your tits were out?

Like, what? Of course not. Why would you do that on purpose? Yeah. But you know what? I don't know. They were like... Probably saved, you know, you were saved from the cartel that way, because they're just like, you can't shoot a woman whose tits are out. That's the code of the cartel.

They were phenomenal. I can see that being like effective asset for myself. But we get to the border like 20 minutes later and the guy, it's the same border patrol who's like, why are you back? And I, my friend told me to play it cool. I'm sure you've already gathered. I don't know how to play it cool. My delivery is not always appropriate to like what's happening

So I just start word vomiting and freaking out and kind of crying and then like again my shirt unbuttons itself in the whole Experience and then he sees my tits It sounds like your tits were trying to get away from you like they were jumping shit like away from you. Like they were jumping ship. This woman is up just to one bad decision after another. Let's get out of here. What do you say? Either that or they're just trying to help, you know, as best they can. The only way they know how. They see a man in a uniform and they come out to say, hello. I know what to do.

Hello. So basically we got this all figured out. We were able to get to where we needed to go. We were headed back to Austin, and we're like, oh, this is a peaceful way to get back home. And then all of a sudden, we see some monarch butterflies heading south of us while we're going north. And we're thinking, wow, that's a sign from the universe that everything will be OK until my car starts choking

on the monarch butterfly that it's eating and shuts my car down. And that's the end of the story. Well, how are your teeth now? Did you ever get back to getting them fixed? Well, you got an Invisalign now. Yeah. So it is a happy ending.

I have Invisalign now. It's a happy ending. Are you good with the Invisalign? Do you wear them like you're supposed to? I promise because my dentist is probably listening, so yes. Okay, good. Well, Sam, thank you so much for calling and keep those tits in. Bye, y'all.

Bye. Bye. There it is, the first phone call of this new venture. Thank you, Sam. That was the first call in on the Andrew Rector call in show. Next up, we got Caleb from Florida. Caleb, how are you? Caleb.

Hello? Oh, hi. Hi. Hello. Caleb. Florida, Florida. Yes, can you hear me? We can, we can. Can you hear us?

Okay. Or are you too high on meth? Again, I'm making an assumption based on Florida. No comment. Okay, see? Yeah. You know, I think it's still morning there. You know, you might... Oh no, it's later there. So it's... Yeah.

It's meth o'clock, regardless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dinner time. You know, it's always meth o'clock in Florida. Absolutely. All right. Well, tell us about your failure, buddy. Yeah, sure. Well, first, before I go too far, I just want to underscore that everyone's okay. And it ended up being not that big of a deal. But after- Spoiler alert. After college, I was interested in teaching, so I applied for a teaching job at my local school district, ended up getting it.

And so I was hired to teach environmental science and it was kind of my first exposure to teaching and ended up being a very stressful job with a lot of around the clock hours. And it just got pretty stressful. So I decided a couple weeks in to take a day off and kind of take a mental health day. And so I was hanging out at the beach that day and I started getting a bunch of text messages from my friends and family asking if I was okay. And if I was safe and I was like, yeah, they're very thoughtful. They were thinking about how I was doing. And turns out that wasn't quite what was going on. While I was hanging out at the beach,

my high school was under like a severe lockdown. And I was started to put the pieces together when I came back to school on the following Tuesday, my class that was kind of like the focal point of the lockdown, I walked in and they started going wild and telling me everything that had happened. And they said that as soon as the second period started, just the school went on lockdown. And then they also told me that there was a kid who was trying to find and hurt a kid that was in my classroom. And it was a situation that I don't know for sure. And it was kind of like a situation where I was close to the verge of quitting. And

like ignorance was kind of my friend. Like I didn't want to know how close things came to being really ugly, but it was serious enough for the school to be locked down for like five or six hours and usually don't go that extreme unless it was something like pretty real. So that was kind of the situation that was going on. And like the kids started telling me a little bit more about what was happening. And you know, I was believing them, but at the same time I was like, you know, maybe they're over exaggerating a little bit. And then one of the, like, we were just going around the classroom kind of having like a deep roof about

it. And then one of the kids said, yeah, I got so serious. We had to shit in your office. Um, and I was like, no, there's no way that's true. And so this is an elaborate way to get to that. Well, I mean, that's what I figured. I mean, kids are pretty resourceful. So like when there's a will, there's a way. So I figured, you know, maybe that's it. Maybe I just wanted to shit my office. So anyway, the period ends.

And I go to my teacher next door. And I was like, you know, was anything they said just true? And she said, yeah, 100% of it was true. There was a kid in my class who was the target of some kid who was very upset. And the shitting the office was 100% true. There was a kid in my class who was the target of some kid who was very upset. And the shitting in the office was 100% true. And she took me into my office and even showed me the bucket where the shitting occurred. Who emptied it out? Did they get a hazmat crew in after the SWAT team left? I can only figure that's what most of the time during lockdown was spent doing

was probably cleaning up the shit that was all over the place from the kids that were locked in classrooms. Wow. This is the worst job ever for a substitute teacher. I mean, that's hard anyway. Yeah, I know. What a day to be a substitute. Yeah, no, I got a nice note from the sub that day too.

Yeah, no, I felt really bad for them and all my kids too. But yeah, it was, that was kind of the end of the road for my teaching. I decided that was probably a good time to hang it up. Now those kids know those kids know that any time that there's any kind of lockdown or any kind of like danger situation, you can just shit wherever you want. I mean, because no one's going to, yeah, it's a free for all. Yeah, it's like, even if it's a minute into it, you know, it's like, yeah, come on, let's, you know. What? Lockdown.

Yeah, I'd like to know exactly how far into the lockdown was it. I'm gonna shit in his top drawer. How about that? Yeah. Well now, was that, was shitting in a bucket in your office, was that what made you rethink the career? Yeah, it was so that was kind of like the

the big one that made me take a step back and Double think everything but it was it was a chaotic. I only made it nine weeks. It was a chaotic night Yeah, yeah. So what do you do now? Like I Work for this. I still work in the environment area. I work in environmental protection for the state. And no one's shit in my office in a few years. But do you keep a bucket in there just in case? Just in case.

Oh, yeah. No, I have to. I've learned. I've learned from my past and I keep a bucket wherever I go. All right. Well, Caleb, thank you for calling. And you know. Yeah, thank you.

Keep it up, whatever you're doing. Mm-hmm. I feel bad for the kid. I never, no matter what was going on as a kid in high school or junior high, even worse, would I ever have raised my hand and said, I need to now figure out where I'm gonna shit. Yeah, yeah.

Never, I would have, I don't know what. Some kids are, they're just freer. Yeah, no, I think honestly, I could probably hold it for a week. Yeah. Rather than be like, you know, like, everyone here knows that I'm gonna go in there and shit in a bucket.

Yeah, exactly. All right, I'm done. Because it's like, well, what do you wipe with? You know, probably homework. For the rest of high school,, yeah. Because it's like, well, what do you wipe with? You know, probably homework. For the rest of high school, you're the kid that's shitting the bucket in the teacher's office. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, no way. Oh, wow. Rough. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Rough.

All right, next. We have, it's either Lucia or Lucia from Calgary or Calgary or Calgary Lucia Lucia hi there. Are you Lucia or Lucia? Yeah, Lucia. Okay. I was wrong on both counts, but you're calling from Calgary And Calgary That one I knew I was just kidding about that one. So tell us about your disappointing failure. Yeah.

So I'm from Toronto, from that area, and I moved to Calgary shortly after finishing school and Calgary is really close to the Rocky Mountains. So after like a number of years, I figured it's time to learn to ski. Like this is probably as a Canadian it's something I should know how to do. So I went to Fernie was the mountain. We went to Fernie and me and my friend took lessons with like a one-on-one kind of ski instructor situation and we you know things went went okay. Was it a man? He went on the bunny hill, everything was going well. So that gave me this false sense of confidence. And so we went up onto a green run

and my very first time trying to turn, I fell, but I fell in a way that like, it really hurt my legs and I couldn't really get up and I was crying and it was just a mess. And this lady Stopped and said do you need help from the ski patrol? I can go get them and I was like, yeah I think so and we waited and we waited and we waited and the ski patrol never showed up Was it enough time to the end of the slope that she might have just forgotten

Seems impossible by the time she got to the bottom, she just totally forgot that she had promised to help save somebody's life. Maybe that was it. Or maybe I mean, were you okay? Yeah, like I wasn't actually hurt. It just like, I just was struggling to get back up and my legs were bent in a weird way that it hurt, but I wasn't injured.

So eventually my friend said, look, we need to figure this out. You need to figure out how to get down. And so you have to kind of do, I don't even know what it's called, switchbacks kind of thing. So you have to turn every few meters and literally every turn on the way down I fell.

Do you fall a lot generally? Like on flat earth do you fall down a lot? Do you have equilibrium issues? I mean not to make light of that. No, my equilibrium is pretty good. Okay and so you did make it down, okay? And that was it? Was that the end of your skiing career? Oh yeah. I did not try again. But I think it took us a good, like,

I wanna say two to three hours to get down the hill once. Wow. Oh, that's a drag. Yeah, I have, I used to ski. And actually my first time, because I grew up in Illinois, and that means Wisconsin, which is, it's not even, you can't call it a mountain.

It's like a big hill. And the first time I went skiing, they didn't even have a chairlift. They had the rope pole. You know those? Oh yeah, I've seen that. That's how you get up to the highest elevation. Yeah, there's like a rope that's on two pulleys

and you just step up next to it and grab onto it and then it pulls you up the mountain and I fell in the middle of it and then in trying to get out, I wiped out at least six people. Like I destroyed at least six people's run. That's bad. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. No, I've never gone skiing. It just seems like a fancy way to hurt yourself. It truly is. It truly is. No interest in it. No, and it is kind of like, I have no... I never had any interest in, like, the big... What they call moguls, the kind of like, you know, like dips and bowls and people are like,

I was just like, no, I like the shushing, there's like slow and, but then it is kind of like, well, all right, I'm now going down a mountain. Yeah. Why, I don't believe in testing our knees at all. No. In any way at all. No, no.

It's a miracle that they function in the slightest. It's why you get carried around on a litter. Well, yes, I do. It was a matter of time. It was deeply expensive to hire those people to carry you around. Very expensive. Worth it.

All right, well, Lucia, thank you so much. How do I get one of those? I mean, well, you're in Canada. I'm sure that you can get it from the government. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well, thanks for calling. Yeah, thank you. Have a great day. Be careful out there. All right, well thanks for calling. Yeah, thank you.

Have a great day. Be careful out there. All right, next up we've got Joshua from Indiana. Hello, Joshua. Hello. Hello. Oh, hi. Hi, Joshua. Sorry to keep you on hold for so long,

but we've been changing lives here. Yes, we're learning a lot. Yes. So what's up, man? How are you? I'm doing well. How are you doing? Good, good. Where are you from in Indiana? I'm from Mishawaka, Indiana. Oh, okay. That's up North, right? Yeah. It's right by South span. We're famous.

Our famous person from years Adam driver. Oh, wow. Oh, he's very handsome in an ugly kind of way. My he's very handsome. In an ugly kind of way. My wife's a fan so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that guy's packing downstairs too. I have to, he seems real tired. I'm sure he is. That guy, there's gotta be a monster hog.

The pride of Mishawaka, that hog. I haven't seen it but I'm sure he's well. He looks like, I saw the movie The Last Duel and I thought, oh that's what he looks like, a saw the movie The Last Duel and I thought, oh, that's what he looks like, a portrait of a Renaissance era duke. Yeah, yeah. That's what he looks like. Right, right.

Good for him. Like, yeah, always losing his cool. I know, yeah, he's a great actor. Yeah. Well, Joshua, enough about big hogs from Mission Walker. Let's hear about your baking disaster. That's what I have on my notes. Yeah, so when I was in college, I asked my roommate

what he wanted for his birthday, and he told me he wanted a penis cake for his birthday. Sure. Yeah, so. There's a theme developing on this one call. I noticed that. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah, so at the time time I lived in a dorm,

I didn't have an oven, I didn't have any ingredients, so I was talking to some friends outside of class and one of them just told me that she has a penis pan at home. Wow. And I, I know. You went right to the right person. I had no idea, I was very,

I never asked why she owned it, but she told me she had one. And then another friend told me that I could bake the cake at her house. Wow. You're getting, you're getting lots of women involved in this too. It's nice. It's all women involved in this story. Pretty much. I mean, if you're into that, that's nice.

Yeah. So I, I, the person who had the pan, she said you can just walk into my house, I won't be there, just go through my kitchen and just grab the pan and wash it out and I thought that was, you know, kind of weird. I felt like I was breaking in on her in, but I went to her apartment, I opened the door, her roommates didn't know who I was, so I was just some stranger who walked into their kitchen, grabbed the penis pan and walked out. That would be the strangest robbery. That's the one thing the robber stole.

I know. Went right for it, grabbed it, and took it. Yeah, I went right for it, grabbed the pan, and then I walked all the way across campus to the house to bake this cake. And their kitchen was in the basement, which was kind of a weird place. So I went, I baked the cake. Everything went well.

That's where you want to bake a penis. You want to do that underground. You don't want that out there. It was that underground. May I ask, was it a cock and ball scenario? Oh, I think it would have to be. Yeah, it was. It was a typical middle school drawing penis cake.

Thank you, very good. Then I walk across campus, I return the pan, and while I'm going back, I have to go to the bathroom. So I walk into the house where the cake was baked, and I ask to use the bathroom there. Unbeknownst to me, the toilet was, it was plugged and I didn't realize that. So I went, I used the bathroom and then immediately

the water came gurgling over the toilet and onto the floor. And it went through the ceiling right onto my cake. Oh no! That I just baked. Wait, the shit water dripped onto the penis cake? I'm hard as a fucking rock right now. Damn. That is some good butt stuff.

And it's not even butt stuff. Yeah. I know. Wow. Then the story got worse. I was flooding their house. At that time, I was not a handyman. So I didn't know how to stop the water. So all the women came in and I asked if they had a plunger.

They didn't. One of them picked off the lid of the toilet and dropped it in the sink. It smashed the porcelain sink, so the sink was broken after that. And the house continued to flood some more. And then all these people started to show up, and apparently they were having a party at that moment

at that apartment while I was flooding it and had my penis cake ruined. Wow. They must have heard. Yeah, I know. Hey, there's a, there's, there's turns floating around over there. Let's get over it.

It's like a water park. I know, so. A urine soaked penis cake? I'm going. I know, so obviously my cake was ruined and I just left there, but I did go back and I did it all again and I baked another cake for him.

A penis cake? And I was completely embarrassed and I went there and I went through it all and I presented the new cake to my roommate. I guess it's a failure because he didn't, I don't think he liked the cake after all my effort. Like it didn't taste good? It didn't taste good? I don't know. He seemed like he wasn't taste good It didn't taste good. I don't know

He seems like he wasn't a fan of it like he might have like pretended to like it But I think it was a failure because I get it was a chocolate cake and I guess he doesn't like chocolate Dick looking at horse right now All right, Joshua tell mish walk. We said hi and thanks for calling. All right, we got time for one last call James from Memphis, hello. Oh hey, how's it going gentlemen? I'm good, how are you? Thank you for noticing that we are gentlemen.

We are very much gentlemen, yep. I have rose water on a hanky right next to me. I'm wearing a smoking jacket. I'm glad to hear it. Well, thanks for taking my call. I'm a fan. I just wanted to talk about a failure of mine. I've been trying to learn Spanish for about five years and it just won't take.

I was really good at it in high school, at the top of my class and I really enjoyed it and then you know I met a woman and I thought it would be impressive if I learned Spanish because she speaks like three languages and I don't know, I don't think I come across as educated like that to people, so I thought maybe I should really buckle down and try to speak it. So I joined a group, it's a language exchange thing, it was all over the phone and so basically, you know, it's a bunch of us who speak English and we're teaching English to Spanish speakers and there's a bunch of Spanish speakers and they're teaching Spanish to Spanish speakers and there's a bunch of Spanish speakers

and they're teaching Spanish to us. The problem is that I spent the whole time correcting people's English because I just got really frustrated. It sounds also too like you're kind of a dick that way. Well, I've sometimes been described in that way. I mean, are you sort of a know-it-all in various situations? Like do you enjoy correcting people?

Well, I enjoy when people... I really like English and I really like all the rules. I think they're interesting and I don't mean to be rude to people I just find all the rules kind of comforting and fascinating and I so I do correct people's English sometimes But I think this was a situation where it was appropriate because the point was the language exchange But I was mostly correcting other English speakers Oh, yeah, that's not the idea. Yeah.

No, because we sometimes speak pretty bad English ourselves and they were given bad advice to the Spanish speakers who were learning English. They come on there and it would just frustrate me to no end because a lot of people who are learning English, the problem they have is we speak with so many little idioms and things. So they would post little things in the group and be like, hey, can someone tell me what it means to beat around the bush? And all the responses would be like, no one says that, don't worry about it. What if someone says it to them?

They should worry about it a little or else why are we here? Yeah, I agree. Oh, that's funny. Three years correcting people's English. I haven't learned a word of Spanish in three years. You're teaching English to English speakers when you're supposed to be learning Spanish from Spanish speakers? That's very different.

I'm not getting anything from it. Yeah. Well, have you given up? Have you given up? Have you given up? Are you still trying? Or did people just kinda, were they weirded out by you? Most people on there don't care for me, no.

So I don't post anymore. Yeah. Well? I really like the language. Yeah, yeah. Well, you didn't come there to make friends. Right. No. No. No. Yeah, yeah. Well, you didn't come there to make friends. Right. No.

No. No. Not at all. Yeah, to make amigos. That's Spanish. Oh, look at that. Yeah, look at me. Wow.

What are some other ways of learning Spanish? There must be others, right? Like a book or something like that? Yeah. Yeah, OK. Rosetta Stone? Have you ever thought of going to Mexico to have dental work done? That might be a way to pick up a few words. Yeah I hear if your tits are out that's

a fine way to do it. All right well there you go. Yeah. Get your tits out and get on down SOB south of the border. Beautiful. Well thanks so much for the call. Hey thanks fellas I appreciate the advice. All right, good luck. Bye bye. Bye bye. Well, and. This wasn't even supposed to be an advice show, but I think we really helped people.

It did kind of turn, well because we're both so on top of things. That's what it is. We both are like pretty much, you know, role models. I would say. I pretty much figured out life. Me too. You know what I mean? Me too, me too. In all of its complexities.

Right. And so I can't, it would be cruel not to share my wisdom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this, I hate to depart from the theme of this episode, but I don't think that this was a failure. Good, that's a good thing to hear. Oh, good, good.

No, this was really fun. Yeah. And I'm gonna be doing more of them. Hot damn. Yeah, yeah, so I mean, I won't make you do this all the time, but I definitely want you to come back and do this again. I would love to, I really enjoyed that.

All right, well everybody, thanks for tuning in. We'll be back next week with more of the Andy Richter Calling Show.